Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

I didn't put any posts as didn't know what else to say. It doesn't matter what are my parents thinking. Yes they don't like the fact how my life looks like . They wish I'd have chosen a different guy but it's too late as we have so much commitment .
Us not being married is ruining our relationship. I'm not happy we are not married. I constantly argue with him about it. It really effect s our relationship. I wish I could let it go for the sake of our two children. But I can't as I feel I'm lied my whole life with him was a lie . When I confronted him last time and asked to be more specific and to give me a date when he is going to marry me. Is it this year? I even offered (again) that I will phone registry office to book a date. He didn't say a think. So I was shouting that this is a big lie. He got angry too. He said to me "do u want me to ruin the suprise for you?" I can tell you what I was doing". I covered my ears shouting to him just leave me alone. I was fuming. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I'm acting like that. Why I can't let it go and stop destroying our relationship?

I thought all your friends and family told you it wasn't a big deal?

You can't let it go because it's important to you. And, as many (including me) have said , it wouldn't be the same anyway. If he did it today, he did it because you begged screamed and cried. That's really removed the romance, which is part of it for you. Its simply going to be something he does to shut you up, if he ever does. It's really will just come down to the legal aspect. Transactional. You won't feel hevis marrying you because he thinks you are the one or because he wants it. That's when resentment creeps in.

He got angry too. He said to me "do u want me to ruin the suprise for you?" I can tell you what I was doing".

did you tell him yes I want to know what the surprise is and how you are planning to propose. I am sure he is not doing anything.

OP, do you really think he will let you suffer in distress like that if he is planning a propose and really committed to marry you? Anyone who is in love and committed relationship, will just propose to see the other half happy.

He is stringing you along, making you doubt that all is your fault for not being patient (for what?!!) and ruining the relationship.

You're not the problem here; he is. He doesn't want to marry you and he is lying about it. For me the only possible reason could be that he wasn't properly committed and doesn't want the financial difficulties of separating if he decides to leave you. I wouldn't want to wait around for that to happen.

No I didn't say to him I want to know his surprise. I left in anger. Few months ago it happened exactly the same story. He said he was looking for rings. I'm thinking to call register office and asked for dates. Write it down. Then show him those days asking to choose one.
I'm asking myself why I'm acting like that?
Why I'm so stubbornly pressure him to do something about it thinking he wants it the same way as I do.
He said once he thinking it's all about finance for me but not for romance and love as I can't wait longer. I said it's for both for me. I'm afraid I killed the moment. I don't know. Should I leave it and see? Should I give it a time? Should I do the opposite and organise something?

@coraka

You're not the problem here; he is. He doesn't want to marry you and he is lying about it. For me the only possible reason could be that he wasn't properly committed and doesn't want the financial difficulties of separating if he decides to leave you. I wouldn't want to wait around for that to happen.

I'm thinking about every single detail that it might be the reason for him to not do it. He always say our relationship is not as perfect as he wants as every 4 weeks we argue. It's not true as much. We don't argue at all in out relationship. But sometimes we have disagreement about little things and that's all. Now we had a proper argument re marriage lol . He is perfectionist. But nothing is ideal in life. He thinks it is. We were going for a period of 2 months of not having a single dossagrement but it doesn't matter. When I said it to my friends they laught. They said that their relationship in his eyes must be dissfunctional some kind of thing as they argue as everybody does but we are preety perfect in our relationship.

OP I mean this kindly but you've given him time.

He knows this is important to you and he chooses daily not to marry you. The proposal is a dangled carrot

You've left it before and he hasn't proposed. You've done everything you can but he is making fun of you and stringing you along.
You aren't listening to what everyone here is telling you. It's easy for us to see he is very, very, unlikely to marry you as we are detached from the situation. All you can do is try to bolster your own earnings for future financial security and/or leave him.

You keep coming back and repeating the same thing, you're not listening and you are refusing to accept reality. I don't know what you want from this thread other than an opportunity to complain because there is no magic trick to get him to suddenly propose and follow through with marriage.

Re, your last post. You are trying to find logic where there is none. It's not an equation where you put 'this' in and get 'that' out. If he wanted to marry you he would have done it by now. He is showing you with his actions that he does not want to marry you and how you feel does not matter to him.

If you consider this relationship to be pretty perfect then I wonder how awful your past relationships were. Or is this your first?

The simple fact is that your partner knows how important marriage is to you. He told you that he also wanted to get married. He knows it is causing you daily upset. It is causing arguements. He knows that he could solve all of that by agreeing to set a wedding date. But he refuses to do so.

He chooses to watch you always upset instead.

If he wanted to marry you, why would he choose upsetting you and spoiling your relationship with arguements over getting married???

He is doing everything he can to stall getting married. I suspect he will try to stall it forever. In the meantime you will lose all respect for him and eventually just resent him.

He says he's a traditional man so he needs to propose, well
a) that's rubbish isn't it - a traditional man would have wanted to be married before moving in together and having children. So he can't hide between tradition (he's just using that excuse as it suits him).
b) why doesn't he just get on with and propose then?

It's not my first relationship. Except the fact he is not proposing the relationship is good. Better than my friends have based what they are saying about theirs. We couldn't click when we had our 1st child. So it maybe that.

If only have one close to me person a friend who I can rely on so I could possibly move out with kids. But doing it completely on your own it's a shot in a head. I don't have a family. Not here and not there any more. All of my friends are not very close friends so I have no choice

We couldn't click when we had our 1st child. So it maybe that.

Sorry, what does this mean?

@CanofCant

We couldn't click when we had our 1st child. So it maybe that.

Sorry, what does this mean?

First time parents. I was doing all the work with baby he wasn't helping. That caused arguments and more. After 2nd child it was ok.

@layladomino

The simple fact is that your partner knows how important marriage is to you. He told you that he also wanted to get married. He knows it is causing you daily upset. It is causing arguements. He knows that he could solve all of that by agreeing to set a wedding date. But he refuses to do so.

He chooses to watch you always upset instead.

If he wanted to marry you, why would he choose upsetting you and spoiling your relationship with arguements over getting married???

He is doing everything he can to stall getting married. I suspect he will try to stall it forever. In the meantime you will lose all respect for him and eventually just resent him.

He says he's a traditional man so he needs to propose, well
a) that's rubbish isn't it - a traditional man would have wanted to be married before moving in together and having children. So he can't hide between tradition (he's just using that excuse as it suits him).
b) why doesn't he just get on with and propose then?

Think he might be into too much pressure after our arguments about it. He might be thinking every time when there's a perfect moment to do it that I am waiting and thinking "is it it? Is he's going to do it now in this second?" . Think my only option is to WAIT to give him few more months in the meantime don't mention it don't talk about it show him my happy face. If it won't happen after that then to confront him. Then I'll know for sure. Then simple decision to stay in marriage free relationship with him or to leave and chase my dream with somebody else.

You know what's really romantic? Not wanting the person you apparently love to be left with absolutely fuck all if you split up or die. Not wanting them to feel unhappy and insecure.

He's not 'romantic'.

He's not 'traditional', or he wouldn't have had kids before marriage.

He's a faker and you've fallen for it over the years and unfortunately now he has all the power financially.

You still haven't confirmed if he's actually shown you the paperwork he says protects you, so I assume you either haven't insisted on this or he's refused. Which says it all really.

But you're unwilling to split up despite saying that you're a good earner in your career and that with top ups from benefits you could cope financially so I'm unsure what anyone can say to help really.

We don't argue at all in out relationship. But sometimes we have disagreement about little things and that's all.

How can this be true when you also say:

Us not being married is ruining our relationship. I'm not happy we are not married. I constantly argue with him about it. It really effect s our relationship.

?!

First time parents. I was doing all the work with baby he wasn't helping. That caused arguments and more. After 2nd child it was ok.

And despite him not helping with the first child, you had a second with him.

Another example of him knowing he can get away with being a shit partner and father and you won't leave him...

OP, the reason why he doesn't want to marry I suspect is because he knows he has a lot to lose if your marriage went downhill.

Right now if he was to break up with you or you with him all he had to financially lose is what, part of a house? His pension, savings etc I expect are safe and if there was a will he could easily change it. If you were married and either of you wanted to divorce then things would be more messy and he would have more to lose.

It's easier for him to put your name down in his will, insurance, whatever because if you seperated he could sort everything out without losing anything.

I suggest forget marriage and start creating savings of your own in the event of separation. You might never want to seperate from him but if one day he does then you will have no say in it and you will be financially screwed.

There have been threads here in the past where posters said their husbands/partners were the kindest, loveliest, most respectful men on earth, they would never cheat, trusted them 100%, etc etc...Guess what? They had affairs.

Things change all the time, right now you might have a good relationship (apart from the proposal issue), tomorrow you might not.

You need to have a plan b. Even if you were married you need to have a plan b. Every woman should. My mum learned that the hard way when her marriage fell apart.

Good luck.

Think he might be into too much pressure after our arguments about it. He might be thinking every time when there's a perfect moment to do it that I am waiting and thinking "is it it? Is he's going to do it now in this second?"

You are crediting him with way too much emotional intelligence here. I suspect what he is really thinking is 'I wish she would shut up about marriage, if I make non committal noises she might give it a rest for a bit'.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

PlanetNormal
Why are you so hung up on being married?

Maybe something to do with the legal and financial protections it gives her and their children?“

This. Countless people who cohabited for years and assumed they had some sort of rights find themselves in dire straights. Anyone with kids or other joint commitments needs to have at least a civil partnership.

I DO have savings. Also our separate account kids account is in my bank account but I'm not using it. It's "ours" whenever we need it for something important. So technically it's mine and it's my back up in the future. My savings. As a common in law all the house white goods goes to split 50/50 in case of break up. Half of house is mine by law as I'm owner. I DO have a work pension. Its smaller than his but I'm going to increase it. What's the point of showing me all his documents where he can change it afterwords if he wants without telling me (based what you told me). I have to believe him.

We don't argue. We only argue about marriage thing.
He said I keep spoiling it for myself. Which means he might wants to propose but I'm taking about it too much

We don't argue. We only argue about marriage thing.

Both these things cannot be true, they are mutually exclusive.

And it's not like it's one topic. The 'marriage thing' you're arguing about is actually you arguing about loyalty, false promises, lost trust, lack of care for your future, lack of financial equality...

It's like someone saying 'we only argue about the cheating thing'. Some 'things' involve loads of different issues. The 'marriage thing' is one of them.

What's the point of showing me all his documents where he can change it afterwords if he wants without telling me (based what you told me).

Because then you'd have black and white proof of whether or not he is currently telling you the truth. At least then you'd be able to read just how much he is bullshitting you or being honest right now. It's irrelevant that he could change it in the future, it's about having proof of whether his words and actions match up now so you can make an informed decision about what to do.

If he refuses to produce them or he shows you them and you aren't named then you know for a fact he has lied to your face repeatedly and hasn't protected you.

You really don't think that's a worthwhile exercise?!

As a common in law all the house white goods goes to split 50/50 in case of break up.

Do you mean common law wife? Because as far as I am aware that isn't a position that legally exists so I don't think you will be entitled to 50/50 white goods. It's not as cut and dry as you make it sound. He's a miser now, he's not going to make it easy for you and walk out with 50% of everything. This doesn't mean you shouldn't walk out though. I don't know how you can brush the insecurity, hurt and rejection you must feel under the carpet like this. It must be exhausting.

I know that common in law wife doesn't exist but by law after ? years if you live together as married and buy things then you are entitled to half. It says on one of the internet web of solicitor.

There is no automatic right to property or anything even after living together for some years. The concept of common law wife does not exist in the UK.