Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:35

I got feeling he is stringing me along. My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end.

From your OP. And you were entirely correct.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:36

@Spinstermum

The question was why he doesn't marry? What I can do to make it happen or to change his mind? It bothers me that he is not answering directly to my questions about it. I always thought as a grown up adults we can sit and talk about it when and how we can get married. He is still talking that he needs to propose first (I'm giving up about this thing). He said I should wait if I love him and want to do it with him and that's the only reason as his romantic. I got frustrated as Its taking very long and at least want to know roughly the time how long will it take ? He is not telling me
How on earth do you think strangers can tell you a timeframe in which your partner will do a specific thing? You know him enough to have spent years with him and had children with him. If he won't give YOU a timeframe or just bloody do it then it's because he doesn't want to. No amount of guesswork on here changes that.

Has he shown you paperwork to prove you're financially protected?

TedMullins · 27/01/2022 12:39

Well if you’re not going to take any advice or leave then you don’t have a choice but to accept he probably won’t ever marry you. I wouldn’t take his word for it that you’ve been put on legal paperwork, it takes a bit longer than him simply sending an email or pressing a button.

Sunflowergirl1 · 27/01/2022 12:41

Why would he marry you now. He has what he wants, relationship, house, kids but if it all goes wrong he is fully protected. Frankly with divorce laws I'm not surprised men refuse to get married and hence is probably why he is refusing

This is a reason I've always refused to go part time or take a career break and whilst we are both high earners I'm now more likely to be stripped financially

Mantra should be no ring no kids. The alternative is England reforms the ridiculous divorce laws and women stop being stay at home mums....share it with the other half!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:41

What I can do to make it happen or to change his mind?

Nothing. Literally nothing.

You can't force someone to marry you so if he doesn't ever want to, nothing you say or do will make it happen or change his mind.

It's that simple really.

Which is why everyone is pushing you to sort out the finances so that you aren't quite as fucked if you split or he does.

AlDanvers · 27/01/2022 12:41

You aren't protected and you know you aren't.

And why do you want to marry a man you have to back into a corner to marry?

You are asking strangers to tell you how to convince your boyfriend to marry you. Is that really romantic? Is that really the marriage you are looking for?

Original poster
Spinstermum · 27/01/2022 12:41

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He put my name on all the documents I asked him. He 've done it before I even asked him.

Has he shown you any of these documents or just told you he's sorted them?

He told me I'm protected financially

How, specifically? Which measures has he specifically put in place if he doesn't have a will?

What is the deal specifically with the house?

I can't understand why you don't seem keen to know the specifics and seem to still be trusting that whatever he says is true.

I don't think that all the non married couples asking their boyfriends of the proof of all documents. I'm protected financially as I'm going to increase my work pension. Also we are writing a will. I believe him he put my name on those documents. If not then I won't lose much as I know his patents. They won't take a penny if he dies. I know his siblings. They are ok. Who else is going to take his assets? A charity shop?
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:41

That was meant to say:

Which is why everyone is pushing you to sort out the finances so that you aren't quite as fucked if you split or he dies.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:42

Why are you being so rude to strangers you've asked for the opinion of on a public discussion forum?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:44

I believe him he put my name on those documents.

You believed him when he said he was going to marry you too, and yet here we are...

What possible reason is there for him not to show you the documents if you are on them?

Think about that. Really think about it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:45

I believe him he put my name on those documents. If not then I won't lose much as I know his patents. They won't take a penny if he dies. I know his siblings. They are ok.

And if he splits up with you?

What then?

AlDanvers · 27/01/2022 12:49

I don't think that all the non married couples asking their boyfriends of the proof of all documents. I'm protected financially as I'm going to increase my work pension.

They should if they are financially dependent on them. I don't ask my dp, because I am not financially dependent on him staying with me.

You don't get the money if he dies, just because others don't claim it 🙄

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 12:55

I believe him he put my name on those documents. If not then I won't lose much as I know his patents. They won't take a penny if he dies. I know his siblings. They are ok.

Well they'd have to take it technically.

Then give it to you. Because you aren't the beneficiary of it and it would go to his next of kin.

They could then give it to you. But you don't just get it because his parents and siblings don't want it themselves.

You seem so, so, so naive about finances which is why it's terrifying that you're financially dependent on someone else.

He knows that by the way. That's part of the reason he chose you as a partner and mother of his kids.

He knew he could get away with you playing a 'traditional' role without asking to many questions or demanding he do the 'traditional' thing upfront by marrying before kids.

Rainbowpurple · 27/01/2022 13:00

OP there is no magic fairy dust you can sprinkle on him to suddenly change his mind to want you to be his wife.

If he loves you as you said and if you love him back just go with it. I don't think you are protected financially as much as you think you are but again you sound totally happy and convinced that you are all sorted so there is not much the Internet forum can do for you really.

Just believe he is a true romantic and one day he will kneel down and ask for your hand. Whenever that might be. Hopefully it will come. Maybe not. Who knows? Confused

CanofCant · 27/01/2022 13:34

@Spinstermum

The question was why he doesn't marry? What I can do to make it happen or to change his mind? It bothers me that he is not answering directly to my questions about it. I always thought as a grown up adults we can sit and talk about it when and how we can get married. He is still talking that he needs to propose first (I'm giving up about this thing). He said I should wait if I love him and want to do it with him and that's the only reason as his romantic. I got frustrated as Its taking very long and at least want to know roughly the time how long will it take ? He is not telling me
Because (as many people have already explained) he is most likely lying to you but don't want to consider this and you don't want to leave and/or forge your own financial independence to protect yourself and your children so you will remain in this limbo. I strongly believe from what you have written that he is using delaying tactics.
OhamIreally · 27/01/2022 13:44

Can I come back to this UC top up that goes into another account that your partner doesn't agree you should have?
I think it's actually child benefit? So is this in your name? That should protect your NI contributions whilst your children are young.
If you are the primary carer that money is for you to spend on your children and if it's in your name it's not for him to have any say about it.
It's concerning that with all the cards stacked in his favour he even has his beady eye on this one thing you have.
When child benefit was first designed the government was clear its aim was to "move money from the wallet to the purse" to ensure that [financially controlled] women at least had access to some cash.

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 27/01/2022 16:47

You ask what can you do to make him marry you?

He could fall in love with you but that ship has sailed hasn't it or else you'd be on it.

He doesn't love you. If he did, he'd marry you if he knew YOU wanted that which he does.

"He's romantic." Catch yourself on! A romantic man who loved you and who knows you want marriage would be married to you.

I fear for your naivety. I really do.

We all know that a man who wants to get married to a woman he loves and who wants to marry him just does it. He doesn't chat shite about a perfect proposal and I hope you know that too,

I imagine he's just chatted shite about financial protection too.

A sobering thought is that if he has put your name on important documents (LOL) the it can't be that that is putting him off marriage. It must just be that he looks at you and thinks no way does he want to be officially with you.

I'd value myself a bit higher in your shoes and be off but it's a knocking bet you;ll stay until he does find someone he wants to marry. See how long he takes to propose to her!

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 27/01/2022 16:53

"Who Else is Going to Take All His Assets? A Charity Shop"

Well, I can tell you that if you live in certain parts of Lancashire, it will go to the Duchy of Lancaster Estate.

Even if you don't, why would his assets come to you if you're not named? You are no more legally to him than Simon the Pieman.

CanofCant · 27/01/2022 16:57

Plus I really wouldn't put your faith in his family.

3luckystars · 27/01/2022 17:23

Or him!

All the best op. I hope you get it sorted and have a happy life.

AlDanvers · 27/01/2022 17:39

Didn't op say that a big chunk of the deposit came from his parents?

Its highly likely they protected that money. Its also likey that if he died, they would want that chunck back.

Or maybe they would take that chunk and put it away for the kids. Which doesn't help op while she is trying to raise then.

She might get whatever is left, which could be very little/nothing.

Dontbeme · 27/01/2022 18:28

If not then I won't lose much as I know his patents. They won't take a penny if he dies. I know his siblings

OP my mother died without a will when I was in primary school, her estate was finally settled when I was 16, my older siblings made me homeless. They were all older, married and had kids, I was still in full-time education and couch surfing, never knowing where I would be living from one month to the next. When money is involved you cannot trust anyone. Please take care of your future.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 27/01/2022 20:08

Now I'm all alone in this as I broke up with my parents. They have their own opinion about things. His a good dad. He loves kids and his hobby. I come 2nd. This is what I feel.

OP posts:
TameDucksAtChatsworth · 27/01/2022 20:22

I think you're right.

He doesn't love his kids enough to marry their mum when he knows she's aching to marry him.
How you can want to when you think he cares about you less than his hobby is a mystery.

You've valued yourself very cheaply and he's taken you at your own valuation. You're begging him for recognition and he doesn't think you're worth it. It's not a good look anyway.

Put a higher price tag on your self. Make him realise how good you are by telling him that you don't think he is good enough for you to consider marrying but he'll do for now.

If he proposes, tell him no.

Get your own hobbies. Read a lot. Pick something to learn about-become an expert in the great spotted raven. Drop him down your list of priorities. Stop gazing at him as if your life/self worth depends on him.

And insist on seeing those documents. If he won't show them to you tell him that because you know he's lying and until you see the ocular proof, you don't believe him.

This man's oath is not his bond. Check every financial thing he says and let him know you're doing it. Revise your opinion of him and let him know your're doing it.

Become the kissed...not the kisser.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2022 20:31

@Spinstermum

Now I'm all alone in this as I broke up with my parents. They have their own opinion about things. His a good dad. He loves kids and his hobby. I come 2nd. This is what I feel.
If he loves his kids and hobby more then you don't come second, you come last. After a hobby.

That isn't what love looks like.

Had you already stopped speaking to your parents when you met him, or did they disapprove of him?