Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

At this point instead of asking yourself why he doesn't want to marry you, you should probably be asking yourself why you are still hanging around waiting for a proposal. Even if he does it now, isn't it tainted?

So if you had two choices:
a) stay with your partner, but knowing that you will never ever become his wife, or;
b) you want to be a wife more than you want to be with this man,
which would you choose?

So as an experiment - think about those two options without thinking about houses or finances or anything like that - just with your heart - what would you choose?

Based on your answer, then you need to decide if you are staying and never being a wife, or leaving to find someone who does want a wife.

If your choice is to stay, then tell him to shove his proposal up his traditional arse -and mean it! But that you DO want whatever legal paperwork drawn up to ensure that you have legal protections of your assets, and your children will have your surname added to their names.

Meanwhile, since you are financially vulnerable and he's not followed through on his promises, you are returning to your career and that you with both split each and every household and child-related cost proportionally based on a % of your salary.

You need to protect yourself. Right now he could just break up with you and you get nothing except the barest he can get away with paying for the children, and half the cost of your house less the massive deposit he paid that he ringfenced.

@Spinstermum

I don't want to leave such a nice place to live and surroundings friends ect. I know the areas the government might want to give me to live if I go single mum. No I don't want them . Don't want to live close to those people who are shaking as they have no drugs today. Their kids setting on fire playground. I've seen it! I'm staying away from them. All I want to have a honest answer from him what's his true intentions. After mev asking him yesterday why its taking him sov long to propose he replied ok is it your mum talking now? You both are clueless. Whatever that means.

You have no idea.

I thought that as well @Rainbowpurple

Why would any man want to get married these days, what is the up side?, absolutely none, you get married, you get divorced and you have lost everything, no person should even consider marriage these days.

Just take a look at this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4463612-Partner-asked-me-how-much-money-I-have

All the posters are SCREAMING at the woman, not to move in or marry, that’s how people (women) think these days about marriage why would men be any different, marriage is deader than flares.

@Pky45, completely different situations. A boyfriend of 18months vs a long term partner who have built a life together including children. If a couple are planning children both should invest financially and emotionally. Children impact earnings significantly, usually women bear the brunt of the loss so should protect themselves.

[quote Fireflygal]@Pky45, completely different situations. A boyfriend of 18months vs a long term partner who have built a life together including children. If a couple are planning children both should invest financially and emotionally. Children impact earnings significantly, usually women bear the brunt of the loss so should protect themselves.[/quote]
Also what's about the romantic aspect of getting married? Nobody wants that?

Romantic aspect? This isn’t a Disney movie. Marriage is a contract between 2 people to safeguard finances for both parties. You can be romantic in any type of relationship. I think romance has long gone in your situation sadly. I can guess that that’s really what you want, the heading off into the sunset happily ever after. Unfortunately you gave your partner all the power when you didn’t put your foot down before kids. Sorry OP, you are really not listening which leads me to believe this post is fake.

@Fireflygal
I would disagree, based on the advice given on-many many threads on this forum.
If you are a single woman planning , get married 1st as you will most of the assets and half the guys pension when you split, romantic notions are never mentioned.

If you are single woman with some assets, NEVER get married as you will to split those assets, again romantic notions are never mentioned.

Based on the above I cannot see why any man (unless he actually want kids), in this day and age would ever get married ? ,
For men it just seems to be lose / lose.

OP: ‘the government’ does not give anyone any housing.

Local councils hold lists of people waiting for council and housing association housing.

The waiting lists are extremely long and most people on the list will never be offered a council house.

People rent from private landlords. Anywhere they like.

You have two options.

1. stay with him and forget about marriage
2. leave him. The council will not house you.

If he wanted to marry you he would of by now. Yes you will hear the odd story of men who suddenly want to marry 15 years later but they are not the norm. If he wanted to marry you, you would of been engaged with a year or two of dating and then married within a year or two that.

You’ve had Children and purchased a house he has no incentive to marry you.

Op I genuinely can't believe you have such negative opinions on single parents and know so little.

The governement doesn't expect single parents to live anywhere in particular. We aren't rounded up and put in am area only for bad families. They don't put you anywhere.

Marriage isn't really about romance. That bit got added on later. It's first and foremost a legally binding agreement.

Romance can stop, you can fall out of love and thats it. The legal side of marriage is very difficult to unravel. Marriage has massive legal and financial implications.

And, honestly, what's romantic about marrying a man the you had to beg to marry? That only married you when you issued an ultimatum? That's not fussed about marrying you at all? If romance is so important to you, he really isn't who you want to marry.

I'm talking from my experience/observation). Non of my friends had to wait for years to get a house from the government. It was always a matter of few months the most. They don't live in nice areas. Only one person I know got a private landlord. She got top up from government as well as parents money. Parents are contributing half. So she can afford it. Should I be telling lies and say that they have nice places to live and surroundings? Maybe you do and good for you. I'm just being honest. Marriage is first of all taking responsibility for creating a family and protecting them financially . I find it romantic too. That moment is romantic. So that's why I'm saying it.

OP where did you live before you met your DP? Were you living in government housing?

You mention your friends living there. Do they have degrees and a good paying career like you do?

Do you have savings of your own from all the years you have worked?

I guess I don't understand why you think you'd be poor when you have a good paying career? Are you a nurse?

OP however you say it, the marriage is not coming for you now is it? Do you think it will be romantic if he proposes now after you beg and plead? How long are you willing to wait? Until you hit 60? 70?

I can't imagine anything more torturous, putting your own life in a hand of someone else, hopelessly waiting for that romantic moment which might never come for you.

Of course choice is yours.

Where do you live with such an abundance of social housing?

Also what's about the romantic aspect of getting married? Nobody wants that?

You can instragram and flashmob all you like but there's nothing romantic about a man who feels forced to propose or a woman who will always wonder if he would have done it by himself had she not badgered him into it.

Wow OP you have had a lot of advice on this thread.

To keep it simple, if you want to be married - and I would in your position - you have to make it the nuclear option.

Registry office by X date or you're off.

@Spinstermum

I'm talking from my experience/observation). Non of my friends had to wait for years to get a house from the government. It was always a matter of few months the most. They don't live in nice areas. Only one person I know got a private landlord. She got top up from government as well as parents money. Parents are contributing half. So she can afford it. Should I be telling lies and say that they have nice places to live and surroundings? Maybe you do and good for you. I'm just being honest. Marriage is first of all taking responsibility for creating a family and protecting them financially . I find it romantic too. That moment is romantic. So that's why I'm saying it.

Ah so now loads of these single parents are friends of yours? And you look down on them and think you are too good for their life?

You don't want a council house and wouldn't need one, so doesn't really matter wether it's months or years.

But at the start you just drive past and knee the area.

Marriage, isn't about being responsible for a family. Many many people act responsibily when it comes to their family and are not married. Those single mums are being responsible for their family.

Marriage isn't just about securing a financial future. It can, in certain circumstances risk your financial future.

Finding it romantic is fine, but you can't be that fussed about the romance side. Because your situation isn't romantic in the slightest but you still want it. I can't work why you seemed shocked its not major consideration for others.

Why are you hanging around a man who doesn't want you?

He must think you are really thick to swallow all this shit about a proposal and I'm guessing he's laughing up his sleeve.

You've had the man's children, you've told him you're desperate to marry and his response is to refuse that. He refuses to marry you and yet you still hang on.

You are not important to him. He has a low, low opinion of you-turning away from you when you want to discuss important finances.

I'd kick him up his bollocks instead of licking his arse.

Stop licking now. get some self respect.

Tell him you're off. He'll hold the door open for you and if you think anything else, you're deluded.

It doesn't look like this man doesn't want me. It looks like he cares and love me on every day basis except he has some kind of issues about marriage. He told me I'm protected financially. He put my name on all the documents I asked him. He 've done it before I even asked him. He told me yes it's good if you increase your work insurance so we both have the same amount. Also I will be getting state pension in the future. So it doesn't matter how much I will be getting from work. It won't be that much anyway. He wants to write a will together. As for working full time, at this moment is not ideal to do so until kids will go to school. So why you all are so negative about it?

You were the one that started the thread 🤣 If he's so wonderful then what's the problem. Put up and shut up. Christ.

@Spinstermum

It doesn't look like this man doesn't want me. It looks like he cares and love me on every day basis except he has some kind of issues about marriage. He told me I'm protected financially. He put my name on all the documents I asked him. He 've done it before I even asked him. He told me yes it's good if you increase your work insurance so we both have the same amount. Also I will be getting state pension in the future. So it doesn't matter how much I will be getting from work. It won't be that much anyway. He wants to write a will together. As for working full time, at this moment is not ideal to do so until kids will go to school. So why you all are so negative about it?

If he is being all of this to you then I am scratching my head why you are having a problem with this. You are protected financially according to him. You will have to accept he sees marriage as a dead weight to carry around. You must just let this go and get on with being his girlfriend for ever. You could do a lot worse!

He put my name on all the documents I asked him. He 've done it before I even asked him.

Has he shown you any of these documents or just told you he's sorted them?

He told me I'm protected financially

How, specifically? Which measures has he specifically put in place if he doesn't have a will?

What is the deal specifically with the house?

I can't understand why you don't seem keen to know the specifics and seem to still be trusting that whatever he says is true.

The question was why he doesn't marry? What I can do to make it happen or to change his mind? It bothers me that he is not answering directly to my questions about it. I always thought as a grown up adults we can sit and talk about it when and how we can get married. He is still talking that he needs to propose first (I'm giving up about this thing). He said I should wait if I love him and want to do it with him and that's the only reason as his romantic. I got frustrated as Its taking very long and at least want to know roughly the time how long will it take ? He is not telling me

Also I will be getting state pension in the future. So it doesn't matter how much I will be getting from work. It won't be that much anyway.

The full basic state pension is £130 a week. The highest is £180.

That means if you aren't financially safeguarded, and he hasn't physically shown you anything to show you are - just told you that he has 'sorted it', your income will be £563 - £780 per month.

How does that sound to you?