Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

@Youmeandourthree

Totally understand how you feel, I always thought his refusal also sent out a message loud and clear to everyone who knew him about his feelings for me. I’d sort out the financial aspects, get legal advice together and if they suggest it protects you split the mortgage and bills 50/50 if you can afford it. He can nominate you as pension beneficiary and Power of Attorney. Maybe if he realises you are serious about this he will decide now is a good time to propose but if not at least your covered should you decide to call time on your relationship. Maybe also look at changing the children’s names by deed poll, simple to do and would help you to feel better about it as otherwise you’ll frequently get called by his/their name which is like salt in the wound! It’s easier to do when they are younger so less organisations like school etc to change the details with. If the relationship is otherwise good though get your legal stuff sorted and see how you feel down the track. Good luck, I hope it works out for you. Btw mine did propose and I was glad it was his decision rather than pressure from me but a frustrating wait.

Thanks! How long did u have to wait for the proposal? Did you talk about it? How did it go?

Just change your name to his and buy a wedding ring, if it's upsetting you x
My son doesn't want to get married he thinks it's only a piece of paper and a waste of money you could pay off your mortgage instead. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his partner though or your partner doesn't love you.
I think for a lot of people nowadays marriage isn't a must like it once was, when I was younger you had to be married before you had children not everyone feels like that now.
If you really love him be happy with what you have got not what you haven't. X

I did get universal credit. It's not mine. It sits on separate account for emergencies as he didn't agree for this to use as a top up to my account.

@lisaandalan

Just change your name to his and buy a wedding ring, if it's upsetting you x My son doesn't want to get married he thinks it's only a piece of paper and a waste of money you could pay off your mortgage instead. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his partner though or your partner doesn't love you. I think for a lot of people nowadays marriage isn't a must like it once was, when I was younger you had to be married before you had children not everyone feels like that now. If you really love him be happy with what you have got not what you haven't. X

I'd love to do that but already asked him few days ago that I'm going to call register to ask and book a date for our wedding. He said don't do it. He doesn't want it that way. He told me he is traditional man as wants to propose first ect. When asking him why does it take it so long to do it he doesn't say a word. So I don't know what's going on. I feel like he wants it deep inside but there's something on his way.

He's not that traditional if he is happy to have children before marriage though.

At the moment his money is going into the house, an investment he will retain if you split. All your money is going into the children and does not protect your own future.

If he wanted to get married he would. He’s not interested.
You’re not listening to any advice on here so good luck ! ( don’t think this post is real tbh)

OP you have some great advice here. Imagine sitting in 10 years time from now still waiting on his proposal. Him still saying he wants to do it.

If he was a 'traditional man' he wouldn't have had children before getting married.

To be clear there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that but there's everything wrong with picking and choosing the bits of being a 'traditional man' so he gets all the bits that give him power over you without any of the bits that would give you some security.

@littlebilliie

My friend decided she wanted to be married she booked the registry office for the 14th Feb. That morning she proposed and he accepted and they made the local press it was a lovely story.

I think that he has been reluctant and on the day she said I want to get married and when he said he did, she said great get your coat we are getting married at 2.

This is bollocks. You have to give three weeks notice to get married with both parties attending the pre wedding appointment.

Christ woman, if you want to come up with excuse after excuse then there is no point complaining.

Working full time is to give you independence and power. Doesn't matter if after expenses you are left with little. It means that you can leave and have tax credits and have child support.

And he doesn't want to marry you. And he isn't traditional because traditional men do not get their women pregnant outside of marriage. Ffs. Wise up!

I don't want to leave such a nice place to live and surroundings friends ect. I know the areas the government might want to give me to live if I go single mum. No I don't want them . Don't want to live close to those people who are shaking as they have no drugs today. Their kids setting on fire playground. I've seen it! I'm staying away from them. All I want to have a honest answer from him what's his true intentions. After mev asking him yesterday why its taking him sov long to propose he replied ok is it your mum talking now? You both are clueless. Whatever that means.

@Spinstermum

I don't want to leave such a nice place to live and surroundings friends ect. I know the areas the government might want to give me to live if I go single mum. No I don't want them . Don't want to live close to those people who are shaking as they have no drugs today. Their kids setting on fire playground. I've seen it! I'm staying away from them. All I want to have a honest answer from him what's his true intentions. After mev asking him yesterday why its taking him sov long to propose he replied ok is it your mum talking now? You both are clueless. Whatever that means.

The only possibility you are prepared to accept is that he suddenly changes his mind and decides he really wants to marry you.

He's shown you he doesn't want to. Men always show what they want through their actions. When they want to get married, they get married. When they don't, they drag their feet. Often they meet someone else afterwards and seemingly suddenly marry that person. Because they're not against marriage in general, they're against marrying specific people.

You only have two real possibilities: you stay with him, unmarried, or you leave him, unmarried. I'm sorry they're not the choices you wanted to pick from.

All I want to have a honest answer from him what's his true intentions. After mev asking him yesterday why its taking him sov long to propose he replied ok is it your mum talking now? You both are clueless. Whatever that means.

It means he doesn't want to marry you.

Stop talking about his 'true intentions' and that 'deep within' he wants to get married.

He doesn't want to marry you or he would have proposed.

He doesn't want to do something that is important to you and protects you and your future.

He doesn't.

Why aren't you listening to anyone who is saying that?

If you aren't willing to leave him then that's your prerogative. If you aren't willing to go full time for the reasons outlined by many of us then that's your prerogative. If you are ok with this dynamic being what your kids grown up thinking is normal that's your prerogative.

Those things are how it will always be, it won't change because he doesn't want to get married or he would have proposed. He doesn't even want to be engaged or he would have proposed.

It sounds like you've made your choice so I'm not sure what help anyone can be and it doesn't sound like you're going to properly sort out the legals etc.

If you don't do them, and he breaks up with you or passes away at some point, then you'll be having to apply to live in those areas you hate anyway as you'll be financially screwed. So I would suggest prioritising the paperwork to give you at least some protection if he was to pass away for example. But I can't see him signing anything that means you'd get anything if he were to leave you. Because he sounds like he doesn't give a shit.

The government won't put you anywhere you will end up renting privately like most low income working people with kids

Op, I will repeat this again
The man does not want to marry you. It is really as simple as that
If this is a dealbreaker for you then leave.

The Op is a bit suspect tbh

His true intentions have been shown

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

He's shown you who he is & he's not changing.

What would you advise your children to do if this was their situation?

I don't think this is real tbh. OP you said you earn much more than average ppl so why are you thinking you will be in council housing in a drug infested den? Nothing adds up...

Has @AnyFucker posted on here?

He sounds as though he barely fucking likes you tbh.

Yeah someone is probably having a laugh with this one. Shame because you have had some very good advice.

I'm shocked how many people are saying he is not going to marry me he is lying he doesn't even like me . That I should leave him. I should go to live somewhere else. My whole family and my friends are thinking differently. My friends over here as well. Most of them knows about us . They are thinking I should stay and i have a nice family. They are saying that nobody's perfect and I really don't have a reason to leave. I'm better off staying. Yes I'll get all documents sorted. Then I might be ok.

What's the title of your thread, OP?? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

There is no point harping on about what awful house the government will “give” you. The government won’t give you anything, firstly because you SAY you own half your home (but do you though or did he just tell you it’s so?) so you don’t get council housing if you already have an asset. Secondly there is and has been for some time a chronic shortage of social housing.

At best you might get put on a waiting list going on for several years for social housing. Most people in need are directed to try to find a private landlord and apply for housing benefit toward the cost of rent.

As one of those awful single mums you are desperate not to be, I have lived for many years in a small and less desirable (dated) property in one of the nicest areas of my town having found myself a pretty reasonably private landlord on the basis I would improve on the dated decor etc. Having saved as much as possible for several years I am in the process of buying my own place. My life is pretty good. I would rather be in my position than yours.

Your partner doesn’t want to marry you.

Men who love you and want to marry you don’t keep dragging it out and making excuses when they see that the delay is distressing you.

Your choices are to stay in a relationship with false promises and not know for sure where you stand regarding financial security, or leave and have some control and autonomy.

@ProudThrilledHappy

There is no point harping on about what awful house the government will “give” you. The government won’t give you anything, firstly because you SAY you own half your home (but do you though or did he just tell you it’s so?) so you don’t get council housing if you already have an asset. Secondly there is and has been for some time a chronic shortage of social housing.

At best you might get put on a waiting list going on for several years for social housing. Most people in need are directed to try to find a private landlord and apply for housing benefit toward the cost of rent.

As one of those awful single mums you are desperate not to be, I have lived for many years in a small and less desirable (dated) property in one of the nicest areas of my town having found myself a pretty reasonably private landlord on the basis I would improve on the dated decor etc. Having saved as much as possible for several years I am in the process of buying my own place. My life is pretty good. I would rather be in my position than yours.

Your partner doesn’t want to marry you.

Men who love you and want to marry you don’t keep dragging it out and making excuses when they see that the delay is distressing you.

Your choices are to stay in a relationship with false promises and not know for sure where you stand regarding financial security, or leave and have some control and autonomy.

Maybe you are right.