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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/01/2022 08:08

So single mum's working full time you must be genious to be able to do it. I can't

People have tried to help you with loads of advice and you sound like you're being sarcastic and rude back to them. It's unnecessary.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/01/2022 08:14

And OP while you'd be 'working for a day's pay', you'd be safeguarding your financial future. Keeping up your NIC for your state pension. Gaining financial independence. Making yourself prepared to continue full time work when your kids start primary school as you'll be more employable with recent experience.

You would also be able to claim Universal Credit in addition to your salary.

TheGrinchsDog · 24/01/2022 08:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn

And OP while you'd be 'working for a day's pay', you'd be safeguarding your financial future. Keeping up your NIC for your state pension. Gaining financial independence. Making yourself prepared to continue full time work when your kids start primary school as you'll be more employable with recent experience.

You would also be able to claim Universal Credit in addition to your salary.

This ^ both the last 2 posts tbh.
Opentooffers · 24/01/2022 08:56

A few things wrong with your mindset. Complaining about not doing things as they would "take ages" - how many years have you waited for marriage, that is true ages? Houses sell fast these days as not enough to go round!
Why are you even mentioning council housing? It's not an option, it doesn't sound like you would be eligible as you say you earn a very good wage, private renting in the area of your choice is more realistic as an option.
If GP's do 2 days childcare now, no reason can't do 2 days when full time, so you'd be paying for 3 days, not 5. Why do you suddenly think you would be paying half of the bills when working full time when you don't pay any of them now? Has he said that? Well childcare is a bill, so he should pay half that too.
You've worked out that working 5 days a week will give you 1 days worth of disposable income - no different to a lot of people, in fact better off than a lot who work to just break even and live, so that is a positive, not a negative.

RantyAunty · 24/01/2022 09:27

What type of work do you do?

Chilledchablis1 · 24/01/2022 09:40

@ Spinstermum

Have you included CMS and UC in your calculations?
Actually, I am not sure why posters ( like me) are offering advice as you aren’t going to do anything ! I think you hoped that one of us would give you the secret to asking a man to marry you and because no one has done that ( hint , there’s no secret) you have been rather unpleasant especially with your comments about single parents . My DD is a single parent and owns a lovely flat and works FT. She receives no CMS ( another thread!) but manages and I would be very unimpressed if anyone spoke about her the way you are talking about single parents ! She is doing an amazing job and I am so proud of her .

RandomMess · 24/01/2022 09:52

It's ok for you to decide that you want to stay etc.

What you need to understand clearly though is that if he meets someone else and he splits up with you that you will be in the same position you are in now only not able to live in that house but older and less able to make up your pension payments and further back in your career because you took time out to be part time.

Please protect yourself by finding a nursery for 3/4 days per week and yes you pay for it but tell your "D"P that you will no longer be paying his household bills seeing as though the house is mostly his and he earns far more than you.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 24/01/2022 10:00

How i supposed to live a 1 month with a wage of 1 day? Still didn't add any travel expensives. I have to pay hslf for everything if I'm full time. He wants that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/01/2022 10:22

Yep because he's abusing you financially.

How is he forcibly going to make you pay though if you just stop paying now and say no more?

RandomMess · 24/01/2022 10:24

What happens when you say no to him?

Original poster
Spinstermum · 24/01/2022 10:30

think it's fair if 2 people working full time to split half for everything. I don't think he is abusing me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/01/2022 10:31

If he earns more than you then fair is proportional to your take home pay.

How is it fair if you won't pay a minimum of half childcare?

RandomMess · 24/01/2022 10:33

Also you would need to do half of nursery drop off/pick up, housework, shopping, cooking, mental load, medical appointments etc etc

RandomMess · 24/01/2022 10:34

How is it fair that he has plenty of money for a hobby, has a big fat ass pension in his name, and you don't have the same?

Rainbowpurple · 24/01/2022 10:36

Does he earn the exactly same amount as you if you go full time? Otherwise things need to be split in relation to how much you earn surely.

He wants the bills and nursery fee paid equally when he knows that you can't afford. He doesn't want to marry you when he knows you want. How is he a good partner to you?

Would you ask your DD to just stay put and be passive about her life and facilitate the man who has no respect for her?

Good luck OP. All make me think he is definitely stringing you along cos you are playing wife without being made one and he ain't got nothing to lose.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/01/2022 10:43

@Spinstermum

How i supposed to live a 1 month with a wage of 1 day? Still didn't add any travel expensives. I have to pay hslf for everything if I'm full time. He wants that.
This man wants you to be financially dependent on him so that you take care of his children for free, meaning his money is his to spend on himself and his hobby and he has the freedom to leave you and have no financial responsibilities towards you other than CMS if you're resident parent.

This. Is. Not. Love.

He wants you weak and compliant.

He doesn't want you happy and secure.

If you worked full time and left him, you wouldn't be living on a day a week's salary as you'd have universal credit with a housing element topping up your income.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/01/2022 10:44

Do you have a daughter? Because living in a home with this dynamic is going to make her very likely to replicate it as an adult. Would you like her to feel as vulnerable and insecure as you do now?

littlebilliie · 24/01/2022 10:54

My friend decided she wanted to be married she booked the registry office for the 14th Feb. That morning she proposed and he accepted and they made the local press it was a lovely story.

I think that he has been reluctant and on the day she said I want to get married and when he said he did, she said great get your coat we are getting married at 2.

littlebilliie · 24/01/2022 10:58

@littlebilliie

My friend decided she wanted to be married she booked the registry office for the 14th Feb. That morning she proposed and he accepted and they made the local press it was a lovely story.

I think that he has been reluctant and on the day she said I want to get married and when he said he did, she said great get your coat we are getting married at 2.

Just for clarity I've never booked a registry office wedding but this is how it was reported in the local press
RantyAunty · 24/01/2022 11:35

Just like you can't make him pay, he can't make you pay either.

Are you afraid of him?

Newestname002 · 24/01/2022 13:18

This is such a weird thread - it's really hard to believe the OP and the circumstances are real; more like a mash up between Groundhog Day and April Fool's Day!

Come in OP - admit you are bored and having a little chuckle at MN's expense... 🌹

FFSjustLTB · 24/01/2022 13:19

You have had lots of supportive and good advice. You are choosing to stay and put up with everything, putting obstacles in your way to stop yourself from doing anything. That's your choice. Expect to see you on here every couple of years, repeating the same story, or asking what to do as he has found the one he wants to marry, and has dumped you. Please get sorted, OP

AlDanvers · 24/01/2022 16:40

@littlebilliie what country is this in?

CanofCant · 24/01/2022 16:40

Well then crack on OP. Good luck with everything and fingers crossed he doesn't kick you out of his house leaving you penniless with no option but to live in a 'shitty' council house with all us lowly yobbos.

Youmeandourthree · 24/01/2022 16:56

Totally understand how you feel, I always thought his refusal also sent out a message loud and clear to everyone who knew him about his feelings for me. I’d sort out the financial aspects, get legal advice together and if they suggest it protects you split the mortgage and bills 50/50 if you can afford it. He can nominate you as pension beneficiary and Power of Attorney. Maybe if he realises you are serious about this he will decide now is a good time to propose but if not at least your covered should you decide to call time on your relationship. Maybe also look at changing the children’s names by deed poll, simple to do and would help you to feel better about it as otherwise you’ll frequently get called by his/their name which is like salt in the wound! It’s easier to do when they are younger so less organisations like school etc to change the details with. If the relationship is otherwise good though get your legal stuff sorted and see how you feel down the track. Good luck, I hope it works out for you. Btw mine did propose and I was glad it was his decision rather than pressure from me but a frustrating wait.

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