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Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/01/2022 14:21

The only advise I got from my parents is to sort out all those legal documents I need to sign to protect myself.

You don't even sound willing to do that though?! You basically said hot bread that it was too much effort to sign all the documents required...

gettingmylifetogether · 22/01/2022 14:22

@CoastalWave

Ok. Just being honest. He doesn't want to get married - to you.

This was my ex.

He's now married by the way - to the woman he went out with after me !

So you either decide to keep things as they are OR you have to leave. But just brace yourself for him getting married after you.

This.

If a man wants to marry you, he'll marry you. If he doesn't want to, he won't.

It's like we're biologically wired to hope for something we know plainly isn't going to happen.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 22/01/2022 14:31

We didn't have a conversation face to face. I sent him a text. It's because he was at work. Also if we would have a conversation he would leave the room or turn his head to other direction not really listening. It's difficult to talk to him. He gets frustrated. So for those reasons is rather txt him.
So he replied in detailed for all my questions. Yes I put your name on insurance as a beneficiary. Yes to everything. And that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 22/01/2022 14:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

The only advise I got from my parents is to sort out all those legal documents I need to sign to protect myself.

You don't even sound willing to do that though?! You basically said hot bread that it was too much effort to sign all the documents required...

I am going to sign all those documents! Definately.
OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 22/01/2022 14:35

I'm going to call for advise about this. If it's better to have a joint account or it's still ok for the payments to comes out of one of the parties account.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 22/01/2022 14:36

Do you know if your name is on the house deed?

Original poster
Spinstermum · 22/01/2022 14:48

@RantyAunty

Do you know if your name is on the house deed?
There's lots of documents there. My name &his name is on the company contract we bought the hose from. It says also on the minute of smth document . Also it says on the bank doc we got a loan from.
OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 22/01/2022 14:56

If you are not sure about the deeds for a few pounds you can download a copy from the land registry, if you are on the deeds your name should be there

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/01/2022 16:10

@Spinstermum

We didn't have a conversation face to face. I sent him a text. It's because he was at work. Also if we would have a conversation he would leave the room or turn his head to other direction not really listening. It's difficult to talk to him. He gets frustrated. So for those reasons is rather txt him. So he replied in detailed for all my questions. Yes I put your name on insurance as a beneficiary. Yes to everything. And that's all.
"I would like to see the documents showing that over the weekend as I am feeling very uneasy about the disparity in our financial security, especially as I'm working part time in order to provide free childcare so you can continue to work full time."

You need to say stuff like this to see the documents. He's taking you for a fool and he sounds frankly like an absolute cunt. You have to text him, your 'partner', father of your kids, if you want to talk about stuff because if you do it face to face he dismisses you / looks away etc?

This relationship sounds so, so unhealthy. It can't be good for your kids to witness such an unhealthy relationship.

JSL52 · 22/01/2022 17:51

@Spinstermum

So what's the difference between married and unmarried people regards insurance or life insurance if I'm working part time and his full time? I think we definately have a house insurance. Don't know much about it what's on it. But house insurance doesn't include me as a person and my future pension guess.
You need to get better informed. House insurance is nothing to do with your pension.
Original poster
Spinstermum · 22/01/2022 21:00

So I definately need to get his documents from work copy about adding me and kids to his insurance? How do I write the will? Do i have to make appt with solicitor? And how do we get me as a next to kin? Is it not just simple details added in gp form ? Or can we do it all at ones do we have to go to those places to ask for the forms book appointments ect?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 22/01/2022 21:02

Yea i had a feeling that house insurance is all about protection/ insuring the goods in na house or around it also to insure the house in case of the fire ect. There's nothing to do with my pension.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 22/01/2022 22:05

OP, this is all very frustrating to read as you seem to be utterly clueless, and your posts referring to documents are very unclear.

Is your pension through your workplace?

A will won’t protect you. He can change it at any stage without notifying you.

Any type of cover he has in work (like Death In Service) won’t protect you as he can change the beneficiary without telling you.

Any life assurance policies won’t protect you because, again, he can change the beneficiary and you won’t know about it.

Your fear of being being up in a “shitty government house” won’t be realised through being a single mum, it’ll be as a result of being so utterly clueless about your financial position.

You’re walking into poverty.

Rewis · 22/01/2022 22:36

I have to admit rhat I got this far
He told me he won't pay for childcare as his paying mortgage and bills so that's enough for him. So asked his parents to look after one child. Another goes to nursery for free. He said if I want to go to work to do more hrs then I need to cover nursery from my pocket.

I don't want to casually throw around the word abuse cause I'm not sure if it's that. But this is defo not a partnership. This is not just a man that can't get his shit together and propose or someone who thinks it's just a piece of paper. This is a planned thing. He has you exactly where he wants. There is going ro be no will or next of kin. This is acruslly disturbing to read.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 22/01/2022 22:38

If that's the case, then what's the point of having those documents existing if anyone can change it after writing it up at the front of the partner and witnesses?

OP posts:
SagittariusDwarf · 22/01/2022 23:39

@Spinstermum

If that's the case, then what's the point of having those documents existing if anyone can change it after writing it up at the front of the partner and witnesses?
A will needs to be witnessed in order to be legally binding. It doesn't mean it can never be changed once it's been signed. People update wills all the time and there's no obligation to notify.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2022 00:20

You're either fucked financially for now and need to break up and start again single, showing your children what a healthy happy household can look like. Using a mix of work and benefits to get you on your feet until they're at school and then working full time like thousands and thousands of other single parents who do so.

Or you're fucked financially for now within the relationship with someone who has complete contempt for you, has strung you along and is arguably financially abusive by not 'letting' you work therefore giving you less and less chance to improve your financial situation while together... all while showing your children what an incredibly unhealthy relationship looks like meaning they're likely to replicate it as adults.

The former is better for your children in the long term IMO.

SquidMonkey · 23/01/2022 02:06

@Spinstermum

So I definately need to get his documents from work copy about adding me and kids to his insurance? How do I write the will? Do i have to make appt with solicitor? And how do we get me as a next to kin? Is it not just simple details added in gp form ? Or can we do it all at ones do we have to go to those places to ask for the forms book appointments ect?
No, OP.

You need to work. Provide for yourself and your children and stop looking to this mam, or any man, to do it for you.

SquidMonkey · 23/01/2022 02:07

@Spinstermum

Yea i had a feeling that house insurance is all about protection/ insuring the goods in na house or around it also to insure the house in case of the fire ect. There's nothing to do with my pension.
Why would the house insurance have anything to do with your pension? ConfusedConfusedConfused
SquidMonkey · 23/01/2022 02:08

This whole thread has oscillated between offensive and bizarre.

Wake up OP. Do something meaningful to improve your situation before you are forced to.

JSL52 · 23/01/2022 03:52

Pay for an hour with a solicitor.
Get them to explain everything to you.
It's painful how naive you are.

AlDanvers · 23/01/2022 04:00

Op you are seemingly an intelligent woman. How have you set your life up and have no knowledge of any details regarding your own future?

I know living in a country you are not from, is difficult. But you have been here 18 years and not looked at how house insurance works and what it's for.

It appears, to me, that you assumed you would meet a man and that he would take care of financially securing you and your future. Which even when married, is a bad idea.

When the house was being bought, did you read or sign anything? If you did and didn't understand it, why didn't you get some advice?

If you didn't, then you likey own nothing. I would be tempted to say this isn't real because I can't grasp anyone sleep walking into this. Being 40 and nor understanding the basics. But, even if it isnt, it may help one of the many who are in this position m or heading into it. Though there's not many as extreme as this.

Even married, a divorce can happen. Spousal support isnt common thing here. You would maybe get a cut of his pension and some of the house (depending on how it's set up) and child support (unless he has the kids 50% of the time).

Its still wouldn't be enough for you to have a great retirement.you could still end up I poverty. You need to provide these things for yourself. You need ro get clued up on Insurances, wills, the property, your position, your pension.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 23/01/2022 08:30

I don't like how some people assume things about me based on their 'imagination'. No, I never wanted to meet a man to marry so I can sit home not work and let him to do everything to take care of me. I have always worked full time my entire life! Never been on any benefits in my life. I was independent women doing everything myself! No man ever has been supporting me financially ever. It was always 50/50 partnership.

I know as much as I need to know about the legality of buying a house.
At this moment I'm torn between

  1. Stay in this house. Kids will have a nice place to live nice neighbourhood, good school, good friends to hang about, his family close by to help ect . In terms of protecting myself and kids I will sign all the documents needed to be sign. In terms of my feelings I'm gonna be living ad we were housemates single with no relationship knowing I will be single till the rest of my life not be able to create s new relationship with anyone .
  2. Sell the house. It will take ages. Split the money. The hole process will take bloody forever. It will cost money and time.
Start full time job. Send both kids to nursery. Including my little one who doesn't even walk yet and who always need his mummy but cries with any other perdon5 holding him. Get the nursery costs split between us me and him. Apply for a government place. It will take an ages. Then depends of the state of the flat or house get it refurbish. It will take ages . And money. Then move in to my own place with kids. I will only move to the nice area with good school. No other option. But as far as I see there's no good schools with nice kids who are not bullies if u take a flat or house from the government unfortunately my friends have that! That's a fact in my town . Unless I will move out to another place far far away. I'm not being offensive or against single parents. Maybe in your areas are nice places to live. But not mine sorry!
OP posts:
CurryandSnuggle · 23/01/2022 08:43

I think you need to have an honest cards on the table chat with him that being married matters to you and you feel that he is stringing you along/doesn’t want to marry you. He needs to be honest about what he wants.

I did this with my now DH, I said it was important to me as a commitment to me, and would give me my sons name, as well as the legal aspects/security of it. I had a bargaining tool though that I wouldn’t give him another baby if we didn’t marry. I don’t think you can do that until you both want a third DC.

But anyway after that chat he said he would marry me as it means so much to me. After our chat we looked at venues and within a fortnight it was booked. And here we are, married.

Cards on the table OP. It’s got to be done else it may never happen.

CurryandSnuggle · 23/01/2022 08:43

*unless you both want a third DC