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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i don`t think i can take this much longer

812 replies

mummyofaprincess · 27/12/2007 20:56

People might know my story from my other thread on here,

I found out my partner was cheating on me via a message on his phone form OW.

He left me, DD (3) and my 6 month bump.

Well i wanted to try he never even gave us chance he looked me in my eyes and said he loved her and wanted her, hes 26 shes 17.

He had brought her back to our place, he admitted this about 2 weeks ago now.

Well now ive found pictures of them together and its really cut me up, i cant believe it.

He looks so happy

How could he do this to me, we was together 7 years.

If it wasnt for my dcs then i dont know what i would do, i really hate myself, i keep asking myself why me?, it doesnt help that she`s younger and much better looking, thinner got a job with my xp etc

Why would she want my xp when she can have the pick of the croud?

Will this get any easier, its only been just over 5 weeks but i`ve come along way since then, but this has made me step back like 10 thousand steps

OP posts:
Layla17 · 02/01/2008 09:44

Hi MOAP

How are you feeling today? Did you get a good sleep in?

I think you are right to want to stop dd seeing OW. It is too soon and would be too confusing for her. You should make that clear to him and if he goes behind your back and introduces them he will have to face the consequences. You have to do what is in the best interests of dd.

mummyofaprincess · 02/01/2008 10:28

hi layla17, i did get my lie in not long got up

I had a lovely sleep thank you, only got up a couple of times in the night with DD as she`s got a cough.

I am just going to say to xp today that i think he should go straight home to his moms with DD, i dont want him to think im going to be worrying all night as he may play on this.

I know hes really looking forward to tonight so i hope he doesnt mess it up some how.

I think i`m going to get a dvd and some popcorn and watch a good film with my sister, either that or go out for a drink (diet lemonade for me lol).

I`ll see what my sister has in mind

How are you now layla, are things getting better? x

OP posts:
Layla17 · 02/01/2008 10:56

We have had a good few days thanks.
I took the advice of a friend and seduced him on sunday night. It was amazing. i was worried that we were not having sex becuase he wanted to be with OW or because he just didn't fancy me any more. I now feel a lot happier but I know that having sex does not make everything alright it just makes me feel more confident that things can be saved.
STill don't know if I can trust him with the OW but he has assured me that there is nothing between them and I suppose i have to accept that or throw him out - i cannot cope with the constant worry about what he is doing.

mummyofaprincess · 02/01/2008 11:13

Layla i`m so glad things are getting better for you, lets hope this year is 100x better then last year

OP posts:
mummyofaprincess · 02/01/2008 13:00

AnneMayesR i hope you and your DH are having a lovely day. Happy Birthday to you both x x x x

OP posts:
mummyofaprincess · 02/01/2008 17:29

xp turns up late to pick up DD and he said sorry its been a busy day.

He sat down and went on to say that hes sold the car and that hes using the money to put down on a house, he said he`s going to get a cheap run around till he gets the money back off the her and her friend.

I know i shouldnt have said this but i said well you wont be having DD over night then he got mad and said why not, i said because she will be there and i dont want our DD there with her.
He started shouting at me saying well im going to take you to court and ill get the access and i will have her over night, he said get over it i`m moving on with my life with his nasty look in his face.

How can he do this to me i would rather be dead then let them pair play happy familys with our DCs, and i mean that.

I hate him so much what have i ever done in my life to deserve this

OP posts:
Janos · 02/01/2008 18:30

Oh MOAP I am so sorry.

What a bastard. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. None of it is your fault at all.

I don't do this often but I think you really need some ((((hugs))))).

What time is your sister coming over? Are you OK xx

ginnedupudding · 02/01/2008 18:33

. He is so vile! How awful for you.
Are you OK now.
I'm sure he is just spouting off at you. He won't take you to court, if he can't pay the maintenance he owes you regularly, he won't have a leg to stand on.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Janos · 02/01/2008 18:40

I bet he won't either, he is just saying it to be nasty.

I really do feel you, I had some dreadful, horrible rows with XP after we split. They can be so soul destroying.

How dare he be so callous. You are having his child. So and for you.

AnneMayesR · 02/01/2008 19:00

Tell him he is a dumb shit. He abandoned his family...he is no father......he doesn't get to call the shots. You can show him my messages if you want to make him realise that most people would be in agreement with your side.

I wouldn't let my child anywhere near that unstable twat (punching car windows? What a stupid dick) and that 17 year old hobag.

No intelligent person would look at a piece of shit like her who is only 17, working a loser job and screwing some idiot older man causing his children to suffer and NOT think she is unfit to be around young children. She wouldn't get within 10 feet of my kids...not even as a babysitter.... Not even as an assistant babysitter to their main babysitter.

It is dangerous to bring kids around new partners to soon. And believe me those kids will suffer the rest of their lives even if he tries to play loving dad once in awhile on his days off when he can pry himself away from her.

I know lot of family law soliciters and have a judge for a father. I know how they view selfish twats like your ex-partner and it ain't pretty.

They will not take his shit and cave to his demands. They understand better than anyone how idiots like him fuck up children and cause society a whole bunch of huge social problems.

He screwed up not you. You have been a model parent. If he wanted to break up that is cool...but the way he went about it shows some extreme character flaws. EXTREME. They look at stuff like this.

Don't worry about the courts. Document everything and don't worry. They won't take any of his shit. They're not stupid. Tell him he better find a mentally disabled judge if he wants to get an ounce of respect from the court system.

It is a proven fact that break-ups like this one harm children. He has gone about this horribly. If he wanted to go and move on that is fine but he handled the whole thing like total shithead with no concern for his babies. It is a documented proven fact that bringing kids around new partners right away after a traumatic break up like this is incredibly incredibly damaging. This kind of damage can be permanent. Everyone knows this except that dumbass and his hobag. All they care about is using your child as a doll and playing happy families.

Of course he should get visitation but if he does not go about this in a correct manner that is best for the children the court system will have his sorry ass for lunch.

You can print this baby out and show it to him. He can deal with me instead of shouting at a pregnant woman for trying to do what is best for her kids.

To Ex-Partner

Listen Up You Tosser: She doesn't want you back and she doesn't want to stop you from seeing the kids or ruin your life or any such stupid thing!!

She just wants to minimize any further psychological damage that you may cause to her babies!! You hear me?? You idiot. My pet budgie could have figured that one out even if you and hobag can't. Selfishness must kill brain cells.

IF he wanted to move on that is fine but he could have handled it like an adult and not screwed everything up so badly.

It is wonderful that he wants to see your daughter but he needs to go about it the right way or he is toast in the courts.

Bringing her his hobag girlfriend is NOT the right way to go about things.

The guy is a walking wreck. I wouldn't trust him to take care of a hamster. Hopefully he will come out of it, go back to his old self and behave himself when he visits your children. You can be apart and be civil.

Yeah I did have a nice birthday by the way. Thanks.

You guys could also try relate or mediation. Not to save your relationship because neither of you want that BUT they may help him modify his behaviour so that he is a better father. They may help you cope with your feelings as well. Counselling is never a bad thing.

My email address is [email protected] if you need anything.

AnneMayesR · 02/01/2008 19:07

Man can I spew some serious venom and be longwinded to boot!! LOL.

mummyofaprincess · 02/01/2008 23:47

hi everyone thank you so much for your support.
Well just before my sister came round i cried and cried till it hurt, when she came round my step mom was with her so we decided to get the CAB sorted out tomorrow as i need to know where i stand in terms of his access etc

Well my sister said we should go out for somehing to eat and to see our friends so i wouldn`t be sitting at home wallowing, i was missing DD so much but hoped she was happy with her daddy (also nanny and grandad)

I got a call just before 10 and it was xp saying DD wanted to talk to me so she told me she wanted to come home, xp came back on the phone and said that she was ok and thought that the call would make her feel better but it didn`t it made her feel worse i could hear her in the background asking to come home.

XP brought her home straight after the call.

DD told me that daddy was shouting at her to go to bed and she said she was crying, DD seemed very confused and was telling me what had happend when she was there on her birthday (he kicked the table with her presents and dinner on and he smashed a glass that was on the table, its been nearly a month since her birthday and i thought she wouldn`t remember that now )

DD isnt forgetting anything and its upsetting her, she looked to pale and looked like she had been crying i knew it was to soon for him to have her over night but thought it was for the best for him to have her as he hasnt had her on his own since he left and i knew nanny and grandad was there aswell so i knew she had them there to.

When i spoke to him when he brought DD back he had his head bowed down and said well i take it you wont let me have her over night again i said when you get this house no, as i dont want DD meeting her (well at least for a very long time) he said oh but you can introduce your bfs but i cant take DD to meet her, i said 1) i havent got a bf, and 2) i havent done what you did! He said but she will have her own room and toys Doesnt he get it!!! DD is so confused that she doesn`t even want to stop at nanny and grandads with daddy!!!

I feel like i`m talking to a brick wall here.

DD comes first and he hasn`t got a clue.

Thankyou everyone for getting back to me it does really mean alot.

DD is in bed now fast asleep, at home where she belongs

OP posts:
Gursky · 03/01/2008 00:07

Hi MOAP - I haven't posted for a few days, but you have been in my thoughts.

Glad DD has calmed down and got to sleep. She does sound very confused, poor lamb - maybe this will get him to see that he can't just shuffle her about to suit his convenience/wants.

How is LO doing? Mine seems to be kicking me in the bladder constantly!

mummyofaprincess · 03/01/2008 00:14

snap my LO is also doing the same, it feels weird aswell lol

LO was awake till late last night having a kicking fight i think, was fun to watch though

Thanks for asking x

OP posts:
mummyofaprincess · 03/01/2008 00:21

im off to bed now i cant keep my eyes open, its been a long day, night everyone x x x

OP posts:
AnneMayesR · 03/01/2008 00:34

OMG now he is trying to say that you have boyfriends. [hmmm]

It is so obvious that he is transferring his own feelings and self loathing onto you.

Geez.

I think I already figured out what he will say next!

I am glad your DD is back at yours. Have fun with your sis!! My sister is truly my best friend and I couldn't live without her.

I think your ex-p is having some kind of mental breakdown.

Have a good sleep. I am off to bed as well.

mummyofaprincess · 03/01/2008 17:31

I went to his parents for dinner today and i found out that he set out in there car at 3ish so he should of been here on time to pick up DD he said between 4 and 4.30 that he would pick DD up and he arrive after 4.45!!!

Anyway i never asked no questions about what he is doing etc but his mom told me where the house is that he`s getting.

They also went on to say that he seemed to enjoy the time he had with DD yesterday and wasnt on his phone every 2 mins!! (thank god) They said he didnt want to bring her back but he knew it was the right thing to do.

Well he is buying a cheap run around today so i will have to check its all legal before my DD goes in it!

I also told them what he was like with me yesterday and they also agree with me about letting DD stay with them and meet her etc...

His mom also said that if i was you i wouldnt let him be at the birth as he doesnt want to know the baby so whats the point.

I know when he gets this house anyway DD will see less and less of him

I think she doesn`t want him coming here i just get this feeling, i think she must be very insercure about him seeing me!.

OP posts:
AnneMayesR · 03/01/2008 19:58

She sounds very insecure and it sounds like she has sure messed up his head.

I am sorry you had another crap day. Hugs to you and your dd.

Only a few more months and you will have that beautiful sweet smelling cuddly newborn in your arms! There is nothing in the world like a new baby!!

mummyofaprincess · 03/01/2008 20:11

thank you

I really cant wait ive started buying some things i will need now as i am passed the shock now of having to bring up LO and DD on my own.

I know in 2 weeks he will have moved in his new home and life will be all sweet for him, i just hope DD don`t suffer.

He isnt the same person and it is a shame as i really thought i knew this man, but we all get things wrong dont we

He is demanding i let him have DD and LO in this house but i know this would only mess my DD up more.

I am calling CAB tomorrow as the que was to long to wait with DD today, but they do advice over the phone which is much better for me as i need to know where i stand if he does take me to court to get DD over night at this house of theres.

I just hope we can sort this out for DDs sake, he doesn`t mention the LO only to say that he wants LO over night and to meet her etc..

I think he needs to grow up and look into his daughters eyes, even his mom said today DD doesn`t want to know him, but before he left she was all her daddy.
I think its because he keeps shouting and swearing at me infront of DD and she even tells daddy to stop and sush.

I try and calm him down but he doesn`t have any of it.

I think in time things will get better, even if it has to go to court (i really hope we don`t have to put DD through that this is upsetting enough for her)

He hasnt mentioned seeing DD again so god knows when she will see her daddy again (his excuse will be he hasnt got a car, but theres busses and taxis or even his dads car!!)

Thank you everyone for all your support with you lot and my family and friends i know i wouldn`t have got this far, even though its still shit right now

OP posts:
AnneMayesR · 03/01/2008 20:50

Do you think the two of them are stable and responsible enough to handle a 3 year old and an infant overnight? I don't. Even stable, mature, responsible people struggle with little ones . I am in total agreement with you. I wouldn't allow it.

Hopefully things will calm down for you guys.

AnneMayesR · 03/01/2008 20:52

LOL. Just had a thought. Get a date/time recording of him cursing and swearing at you in front of DD whilst you remain perfectly calm. The date and time bit will show that he did it while your were pregnant.

Then give it to your soliciter to be played at the custody hearing.

I'm sure they will love that.

mummyofaprincess · 04/01/2008 11:18

great idea never thought of that to be honest, thanks

Its a wonder i havent gone into hospital with all this bloody stress hes been giving me, i will mention this to the midwife aswell and see what she says.

He hasnt been intouch since wednesday so i dont think he will see DD again till next week now, which to be honest isn`t a bad thing for both of us.

Hes to busy sorting a car out oh and this house hes getting, there more important arn`t they???

OP posts:
AnneMayesR · 04/01/2008 16:05

It's definitely a good idea to tell the midwife...she can keep an eye on you and bump then.

I just can't believe him. I think they need to start mass producing toilet paper roll his face on each section of it. The man is an asswipe.

He hasn't screwed up your life he screwed up his. He cannot survive forever acting like a teenager.

mummyofaprincess · 04/01/2008 20:55

Xp didnt call to bring the maintenance down so i called him at 4 (wished i hadnt bothered)

Well he also had to give me the money for the telly aswell, he hasnt taken it yet as its not fully in his name yet im waiting for the documents to arrive so he can sign it over to his name as its in mine and he`s not taking it till its all in his name as its a big debt....

Any way i said to him i have only called to see when you will be popping the money down he said what money? i said the telly money (due monday!) and the maintanence, he said how much all together so i said x amount he said why that much i said you owe two weeks maintenance now as you didnt pay it last week, he went mad at me saying i only call him when he wants something etc etc and that he wants the telly tomorrow if hes paying for it, and that hes not paying for the fing telly for me and my mates or whoever to watch it etc etc

My day hasn`t got any better and i can see a massive arguement coming on tomorrow aswell when he calls

I hate him so much, he talks to me like im shit on his shoe, and i havent done anything wrong

OP posts:
Janos · 04/01/2008 21:55

Oh dear, I had a great long post typed out about ehat an arse your ex is, and then I accidentally deleted it.

You are just so much of a better person than he is. He is reacting like this because he feels guilty. He will be scared by the fact you are standing up for yourself, I'm sure of it. Men like that prefer it when you are upset and they are the ones in control.

You have not done anything wrong, you are looking out for your DCs, it's what any mum would do.

{angry] for you but also because you are getteing stronger day by day.