Husband suddenly changed

[curledupinaball]

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

That kind of behaviour, trying to persuade you that you're paranoid or that you have changed is called gaslighting and its illegal. He is emotionally abusing you. You deserve better. Whether his relationship with the OW is physical or not doesn't matter , he is hurting you either way. Find yourself somewhere to go for a while and tell him to decide what he wants. He owes you honesty if nothing else TBF, I'd run for the hills he has shown a really bad side to his character

I could have written your post some years ago. I moved my furniture into storage and left with my dogs.

If you stay he will be nasty and you will argue (badly). He has shown a very weak, cruel side to his character and nothing will move forwards until you leave and give yourself some breathing space.

Don’t worry about him. Put your energy into you. You are in a strong position even if you don’t feel like it. Time away will help you build on that strength. Enlist the support of friends and family, take the things that are precious to you and go. It will be the jolt back to reality he needs and the space you need.

Sending . If I were near you I would help you.

He doesn't seem like a very clever man at all. The scaffold poem shouldn't be used in this application - for him and the woman tearing down the wall. Stupid man.

You'll be alright. Things will get better.

Agree, stupid man for choosing a poem that has no relevance to him and this woman. It speaks volumes though. He has no clue what she would like but chose something you would like.

He doesn’t actually ‘know’ her at all does he?

My H exchanged gifts in similar circumstances with his OW. She bought him something he would never ever wear (he is actually allergic to it). He bought her a very cheap toiletries set. Neither gift showed any awareness or knowledge of the other person.

Absolute twats.

@curledupinaball

I need a few days to find original rental agreement and photograph for evidence.

Please also take copies of all relevant financial information, and take originals of the most recent utility bills that show your name - you will need proof of address from last 3 months for a rental. You can leave him photocopies.

Also, 100%, he told his parents the framed poem was for you… making it even more deplorable! I know, I’ve been here (almost).
But, yes to keeping your dignity at all costs.
I didn’t and bitterly regret it now.

@RobinsReliant

Agree, stupid man for choosing a poem that has no relevance to him and this woman. It speaks volumes though. He has no clue what she would like but chose something you would like.

He doesn’t actually ‘know’ her at all does he?

My H exchanged gifts in similar circumstances with his OW. She bought him something he would never ever wear (he is actually allergic to it). He bought her a very cheap toiletries set. Neither gift showed any awareness or knowledge of the other person.

Absolute twats.

He thinks because he works in Construction it is relevant 😂😂😂 bloody idiot! I'm an English BA (hons)

Is there any chance the poem is for you?

Remove the money in your isa in cash. You'll need to do this in regular chunks over the next few weeks.

Get a fire safe safety deposit box and securely store this in the roof space at your mums house.

Leave a small amount in the account, a few hundred pounds.

Then say nothing about this account. And more importantly do not instigate divorce proceedings for about 9 months - 1 year from the time of withdrawing the money.

You only have to submit the last 12 months bank/ money transactions when a court asks. If a solicitor asks you can ignore, it's only a court judge who can insist. Anything prior to a year at that point this is disregarded.

Play this cleverly. Because it's a sure thing he'll come after you for half that money. But at that point its him who can take you to court and you who can show that the money isn't in the account.

Remember the year rule. Deposit that cash asap.

As PP have said as they marriage was brief you may walk away with all your assets.

Keep proof you paid for the dogs. This is important. Make sure they are registered to you and I'd change the registered address to your mums house.

This helps secure your rights to them .

It wouldn’t be an early Valentine’s gift for you would it?

Can only agree with pps. What a colossal bellend and how entirely lacking in imagination and originality he must be!! Between the poem and the cliched trotting out of "the script" he doesn't have a great deal going for him. It's awful and must be so painful for you. I do not agree with people saying if you've got no kids it's no problem. You've still been shat on from an enormous height and that takes some getting used to!!
Take a few days to get your breath back, but when you feel a bit stronger, get sorted and get out of there. Renting with dogs is a bit harder but not impossible (I once did it with 6 dogs in tow) and use all the support offered to you by friends and family. I would also be letting OW know that it was YOUR wedding poem. If she doesn't know he is married, she deserves the truth and if she DOES know, that will destroy any romantic notions she ever had about the twat you are unfortunately married to. Good luck OP, I know it feels like your world is ending, but, in time, I honestly believe you will see this as a lucky escape. He does not deserve you.

My initial thought was that gift has to be for you because it holds no significance for anyone else. Not being able to come up with a meaningful, original gift for this woman speaks volumes though. It is a typical ‘man has head turned’ scenario. The way he is responding to this is typical. Of course it will be your fault and he will say he doesn’t want to be in your marriage any more. That’s a mixture of guilt and refusal to take responsibility for the way he feels. He is feeling out of control of his emotions.

Give yourself space. When I was in this situation I stayed for ages trying to work things out but he continued to be cruel. There is nothing you can do. The only thing that will bring him to his senses is to ensure he realises that you will leave or that you are leaving. My husband asked me not to leave but by that time the rental agreement was signed and storage was booked for the next day. It was the best thing I could have done. It wasn’t about punishing him. Far from it. It was about protecting myself.

I am so sorry this is happening to you! It’s appalling but you will recover and you will heal.

@Muthalucka

It wouldn’t be an early Valentine’s gift for you would it?

He always orders gifts for me to be delivered here as I WFH and never uses his work email. Plus he isn't that organised.

You can see this all for what it is and at least you aren't in denial. Well done for even speaking about this and trying to get help!
He's completely manipulating the situation back onto you. I'd say don't have kids with this man and go and find your 'happy'!
You aren't happy being lied to, manipulated, ... and cheated on either emotionally or physically, but she 'misses' him so let just assume the worst. What a dick.
Anyways you mentioned his parent own your house? .. you've got this, don't let that keep you stuck with someone who has absolutely ZERO respect for you.
He clearly has absolutely no respect for his marriage, his vows!
What's the reason he should even be texting another woman? None.
good luck to that lady he's texting, she's going to need it :)!
I'd be packing my bags and off to live my very best life ... you go !!

@Noni123

So sorry OP it's really miserable-i saw this & hope it brings some solace

❤️ That’s a lovely thing to post @Noni123 Got quite emotional reading that xx

Make a public post on FB with the poem, pointing out it's your wedding poem and saying something about how you surprised your husband with it on your wedding - no need to mention anything about what's going on. It's a roundabout dig but worked a treat for me.

Don't do any of this tacky shit OP. You're better than that.

Can I suggest -
You get all your furniture moved on a day he's at work. Clear out the house. Leave the poem with the words changed on top of divorce papers or separation agreement. I'm not very good at this sort of thing but I got the first couple of lines:

Masons, when they start upon a building, Cheaters, when they start upon an affair
Are careful to test out the scaffolding; are careful to test out their lies
Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.
And yet all this comes down when the job’s done
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.
So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me
Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall
Confident that we have built our wall.

@Drinkingallthewine

Can I suggest - You get all your furniture moved on a day he's at work. Clear out the house. Leave the poem with the words changed on top of divorce papers or separation agreement. I'm not very good at this sort of thing but I got the first couple of lines:

Masons, when they start upon a building, Cheaters, when they start upon an affair
Are careful to test out the scaffolding; are careful to test out their lies
Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.
And yet all this comes down when the job’s done
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.
So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me
Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall
Confident that we have built our wall.

Love this!

That’s a really strange poem to give someone you’ve just started an affair with, don’t you think? Are you sure he didn’t frame it for his parents?

@Imissmoominmama

That’s a really strange poem to give someone you’ve just started an affair with, don’t you think? Are you sure he didn’t frame it for his parents?

Absolutely sure. His thinking is because they both work in Construction it is a link and it makes him look educated and sensitive 🤣🤣

HE GAVE HER A BEAUTIFUL COPY OF YOUR WEDDING POEM AS A GIFT??

That's one of the most outrageous things I have ever read on here.

I have to be honest but you are lucky that you are in a position to walk and haven't been tied in with kids at this point. So grab that opportunity and get out

Ah- that makes more sense.

What a prick.

Can you transfer your isa money into your mum's account instead? You don't want him to go after half of that. What an asshole. Try to be pleased that you have nothing tying you to him x

Only to add - support is essential when you're in shock.

Lovely that you have Mum and can take the dogs there, for emotional support.

Contact a solicitor and financial advisor now. Expert legal and financial advice will also help you feel stronger.

Take advice about securing and protecting your assets in the form of your money, furniture and dog registration.

Ignore any revenge-based advice - do not contact the OW, tell their manager, his parents, post on social media. It could be used against you - 'unreasonable, irrational, passive-agressive behaviour' accusations, etc.

Keep your dignity - if you need to explain, answer any questions, you are leaving the marriage because of his infidelity.

Collect and preserve evidence.

💐🐕💐🐾💐🐕💐🐾