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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:

RobinsReliant · 17/01/2022 16:19

Did he think you chose the wedding poem because he works in construction?

It’s a very odd gift to give to a OW. However in my experience they aren’t thinking at this stage. Logic and rational thinking has gone and it’s all about ‘their feelings’.

I’m furious for you.

Be dignified and calm. Make him wonder what you are thinking. The worst thing you can do is lose your temper. You will regret it and it will feed into his ‘script’ that you are to blame or your marriage was a sham.

Never fails to surprise me that men really do not think about what they might lose in this situation.

Original poster

curledupinaball · 17/01/2022 16:46

@RobinsReliant

Did he think you chose the wedding poem because he works in construction?

It’s a very odd gift to give to a OW. However in my experience they aren’t thinking at this stage. Logic and rational thinking has gone and it’s all about ‘their feelings’.

I’m furious for you.

Never fails to surprise me that men really do not think about what they might lose in this situation.

Yes he did 🤣🤣🤣 fucking idiot

OP posts:

RobinsReliant · 17/01/2022 17:33

You can do better. However I’m mindful of the fact that you feel things were going perfectly before all this erupted. All you can do is look after yourself, put yourself first and let him wonder what you are thinking / doing. They think they hold all the cards. Time for you to take back a bit of control and demonstrate that they really don’t!

💐for you!

Original poster

curledupinaball · 17/01/2022 18:47

Today I have begun photographing/gathering evidence. Gobsmacked to see an email sent whilst we were on holiday saying he missed work! Great!

OP posts:

intheclouds3 · 17/01/2022 19:00

@curledupinaball

Today I have begun photographing/gathering evidence. Gobsmacked to see an email sent whilst we were on holiday saying he missed work! Great!

Hope you're ok given the circumstances. No matter how long it takes you'll look back and be glad you left him... The best is yet to come :) Stay true to you.

Original poster

curledupinaball · 17/01/2022 19:02

Also one of his emails saying he is a "lucky chap to have her" what a bastard!

OP posts:

Yummypumpkin · 17/01/2022 19:04

What a bastard indeed. You seem to be doing pretty well, though.

I know it's hard but I sense you're gonna be more than all right.

Sexnotgender · 17/01/2022 19:11

@curledupinaball

Also one of his emails saying he is a "lucky chap to have her" what a bastard!

Wow. What a dickhead.

Be icy cool. Walk away with your dignity intact. He doesn’t deserve you, how dare he treat you like this.

Mix56 · 17/01/2022 19:30

I'm glad you have found your anger, what a bumbling idiot he is.
It gets increasingly grating living with a buffoon.
Unfortunately you need to get STD check

Curlyreine · 17/01/2022 19:36

He is a prince, isn't he?

Original poster

curledupinaball · 17/01/2022 20:14

@Mix56

I'm glad you have found your anger, what a bumbling idiot he is. It gets increasingly grating living with a buffoon. Unfortunately you need to get STD check

Oh I will be doing!

OP posts:

Hoppyhops · 17/01/2022 20:42

Fuck him- how dare he try to blame you for his bullshit. Give him a framed copy of ‘Differences of Opinion’ by Wendy Cope when you leave him. It’s simple enough- he should be able to work it out:

HE TELLS HER

He tells her that the earth is flat—
He knows the facts, and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win. He stands his ground.

The planet goes on being round.

grapewine · 17/01/2022 20:48

You're so well rid of him. Go enjoy the rest of your life. Good luck.

Dimebag10M · 17/01/2022 21:11

I'm so furious for you that I cant think of an intelligent thing to say... he doesnt deserve you and you dont deserve this deceit! Thinking of you x

Crikeyalmighty · 17/01/2022 21:45

Any gal who knows her Seamus Heaney is worth an awful lot more than this utter numpty -

Original poster

curledupinaball · 18/01/2022 06:56

Why is he being so brutal to me?

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 18/01/2022 07:06

Because he absolutely knows he is a being a shit to the person he is meant to love and care for. He knows he is utterly in the wrong but noone likes being that so he has to make it your fault for some bollocks made up reason and ten he's brutal to you because you did x. I'm so sorry, it's fucking awful and totally bewildering. I remember honestly thinking my ex was having a mental breakdown and if I could just find the right words he wouldn't put a bomb under our family, but it was like screaming at someone in a soundproof box. You're going through the most awful thing and the person who is meant to e your number no1 support is not there, he is causing it. Please lean on real life support, do not be ashamed or embarrassed. This is 100% on him.

Buildingthefuture · 18/01/2022 07:31

He is being brutal to you so he doesn’t have to take any responsibility himself. It is much easier to blame you (by making stuff up) than it is to admit “I am a shameless cheating fuckwit with a wandering cock”. He is, obviously, but he wants that to be YOUR fault rather than just because he’s a selfish, entitled tosser. Look up “the script”, it’s classic behaviour for someone having an affair. I’m sorry OP, it’s awful, but it is NOT you, it’s him.

RobinsReliant · 18/01/2022 07:35

@HugeAckmansWife is right: Because he absolutely knows he is a being a shit to the person he is meant to love and care for. He knows he is utterly in the wrong but no one likes being that so he has to make it your fault for some bollocks made up reason.

That sums it up. I didn’t recognise my husband when this happened to me. It was like living with a stranger. He was cold, callous and brutal. The only thing you can do is protect yourself. You can’t reason with him. You won’t get any support or sympathy from him. He is projecting his anger onto you. Surround yourself with family and friends and get their support.

This is not your fault. His guilt, his stupidity, his problem. The only way I survived my nightmare was realising that this was all on him. It was his drama. I mentally built a wall around myself so his words and actions would bounce off me. His drama and for him to deal with. Not me.

isthismylifenow · 18/01/2022 07:53

@curledupinaball

Why is he being so brutal to me?

The same thing happened to me.

They do this to either relieve themselves of some guilt. I mean if he is being an awful twat, you aren't going to be nice back to him. This is the only part that matters to him.... therefore you are being the twat in his eyes.

If he is just awful enough you will leave him, and that saves him being the bad guy ..... the story will always be that you left him.

He can't accept that you caught him out in a lie. So his true colours are showing. Has he ever been put on the spot like this before, probably not so you don't know this side to him unfortunately.

But you will never know so there is no way anyone can answer the question. The main thing is now that you look out for you, you are the only one that matters now. Fuck him, he doesn't get to do this without recourse.

I wouldn't be posting stuff on FB or anything like that. He knows what he has done, the ow, well she may or may not know about you.

I am not going to say it is an easy ride ahead. But once you get through the storm, you will look back on this from a much better place.

And lastly, don't keep this all in to yourself. It is not your secret to keep. I felt quite shamed by by exs affair and didn't tell a soul. Just tried to muddle through my feelings etc. It was a big mistake, as I was still covering for him iyswim.

BlissfullyIgnorant · 18/01/2022 08:16

Faaaackinelll!
Mind you, I found out too late that divorce goes much more quickly for the wronged party if you file for divorce within 6 months of the other side going off and shagging. My life would have been easier if I'd gone for a divorce on the grounds of adultery (even with kids). He used to stop off at the Yotel at T4 LHR for a quickie before coming home.
You've got the OW's name. They don't do the massive scandal over the co-respondent any more, the court just wants a name.
Good luck. I hope you nail his balls to the table x

Angrybird123 · 18/01/2022 08:34

You don't need to name the other party at all - unless he contests it, you just put "unknown". My ex begged me not to name her as she was so distressed (oh, boo fucking hoo) but I didn't on the condition that HE paid MY legal fees. - why should I be £££ out of pocket because he wanted to fuck off? I do 100% agree though that the OP should take the upper hand on this and take control. The top thing to remember is that he is no longer on your side and does not care or what the best for you My ex was such an utter shit from the moment I discovered his affair - still some years down the line he has his own different narrative. Mostly I shrug it off nowadays but I remember the feeling of utter rage that MY marriage and MY family had been destroyed with no input from me at all. Keep posting and we will help if we can (and sorry, I've posted upthread but on a different account so different name).

Crikeyalmighty · 18/01/2022 08:45

Because sadly human nature makes it easier to justify shitty behaviour in your head if you aren’t getting on

CombatBarbie · 18/01/2022 09:58

@curledupinaball

Why is he being so brutal to me?

Has something happened or is this just the mind trying to make sense?

remember he doesn't know he has been caught yet. In his mind he is having his cake and eating it. In his mind, he is making himself look good to OW and you are not in that thought process because he wants to keep you both seperate. He thinks he's being clever and that you are sat clueless to his other life.

Bowwowwowoh · 18/01/2022 10:17

@curledupinaball

Why is he being so brutal to me?

Because nasty mummy (that's you) won't let little boy play with new shiny thing.

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