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Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 16/01/2022 19:58

Find a place for you and doggies, book a day off. Book a van. Move.

Champagne and bongos for the first night of your new life, and a withheld number to his OW, text and/or call.

Good luck, op, you’re well rid x

AngelinaFibres · 16/01/2022 20:05

@NinaDefoe

I wish that I had walked away in absolute silence from my first relationship. Like you, we rented and didn’t have DC. I wish I had just LTB one day without a word. He didn’t deserve the energy spent on him.
The energy expended on these tossers is the key thing. I spent so much time and energy being angry with my husband. He wasn't worth it. He was a weak little man.Took me far too long to realise .
MorganKitten · 16/01/2022 20:20

Find out now if your mum will dog sit, get copies of everything, get a storage unit, take a day off work, when he’s at work moving van comes - take everything that’s yours to the unit (tell the movers in advance why it has to be quick), when you are in a safe space let his parents know why you have left, text OW about his lack of poetry knowledge.
Ive had to do this, it wasn’t a poem, it was a song he wrote ‘for me’

Noni123 · 16/01/2022 20:28

So sorry OP it's really miserable-i saw this & hope it brings some solace

Husband suddenly changed
Starlightstarbright1 · 16/01/2022 20:35

just to add you are married it isn't as simple as I paid for ..Do get legal advice.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/01/2022 20:42

He’s not just unfaithful, he is cruel. The poem thing is awful.

Please book an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow OP, get a plan in place. Do not say a word till you are ready to go, then go. Do him no favours financially.

So sorry. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but you will find a guy who is actually worthy of you.

AutomaticMoon · 16/01/2022 21:16

Keep your dignity OP, don’t beg like I did. I was married at 17 and at 23 he decided he’d had enough, he was cheating too. I begged and pleaded, of course that disgusted him. I went away for months and reappeared refreshed and ‘happy’ cause I lost my mind and bought an online guide ‘how to stop your divorce’ and the tactics dud work, he eventually asked me to get back with him and so I wasted a few more years with him, although this made me lose respect for myself (and him). I don’t appreciate that I had to play games to ‘get him back’

RMS0209 · 16/01/2022 21:32

@GrandmasCat

Whatever you do, remember
  1. you don’t need further proof that he is cheating, he has already admitted to it.
  2. you don’t need to tell his parents, they cannot and should not be asked to control his behaviour, they will side with him anyways once you are gone.
  3. It is their house, move quickly to find another home. What joy would it be to fight to keep the lease to have his parents as landlords?
  4. if I were you, I would give him the silent treatment, move out and leave the keys on the kitchen table. That will show him you are not to be messed with and let you walk out with your head high
  5. If somebody asks you why you left, just say that he was cheating. People will totally understand and side with you.

Best of luck.

I agree with all of this! So sorry you are going through this. Big hugs... ps I agree take the dogs and run! X
WhatScratch · 16/01/2022 22:03

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Keep the dogs and the love of Heaney and lose the shithead with his framed calligraphy. Dogs and poetry are constant.

Normando91 · 16/01/2022 22:08

I would spend the next few days getting everything in order. Find all necessary paperwork, call a solicitor first thing in the morning. Ask your mum if she can dog sit if you don’t find a rental immediately but start looking asap.
Once you’ve found a rental, get a van and move everything of yours out while he’s at work (PP suggestion of nailing the poem to the counter with a knife is fab!)
Don’t let him see you upset or angry, hold your head up high.
Completely your decision to contact OW or not, personally I wouldnt, she will eventually see him for the loser he is.
Sort yourself out and start living your best life without this asshole, that’s the best revenge!

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 16/01/2022 22:19

@curledupinaball

No kids
Leave now. He's cheating on you. It's obvious. He doesn't need to admit it, it's obvious to anyone reading this, unless you're making any of that up. Leave him. Leave him now and for good. Don't waste another second that you could be meeting someone else.
FutureExH · 16/01/2022 22:22

@curledupinaball

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change. He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car. We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc. Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on. I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face. What should I do?
You've been cheated on before so you know the signs. Don't tell me, he's spending a lot more time on his phone and it goes with him everywhere including to the toilet doesn't it? (Incidentally, if you want to carry on reading his messages, most people who put a lock on forget to turn off notifications. If you press the image of the message or WhatsApp on a locked phone, you can still preview the message. I caught my STBXW out with that twice).

And isn't it funny how it's always our fault, not theirs? It's us who have changed, it's us who are to blame for growing apart.

The reality is that it is very much their fault and the brain of a cheat is a mess. They lose all sense of personal responsibility. Whether your husband is physically cheating or emotionally cheating, either way it's pretty blatantly obvious.

I know it's going to be hard to do, but go. You can never trust this person again and the last thing you want to do is get entangled in a family with this person. Going now will be a lot easier than trying to leave with kids and a mortgage.

Hollywolly1 · 16/01/2022 22:24

Send her a copy of the poem and tell her you don't need it anymore and hoping she has better luck with it but also tell her to mind it for the next victimGrin and thats very true.
You will be better off on your own as only wasting precious years with him and at least it will give you a chance to consider meeting someone else and you will andvoh boybit will be such betterFlowersfor you

Hollywolly1 · 16/01/2022 22:25

And oh boy it will be so much betterWink

Jk24 · 16/01/2022 22:30

What a bastard. I'm sorry to read this op stay strong. If you want more proof ring ow...this will throw her off guard and hopefully you'll get some truth

Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 22:42

@WhatScratch

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Keep the dogs and the love of Heaney and lose the shithead with his framed calligraphy. Dogs and poetry are constant.
Love this! Thank you xxx
OP posts:
mjf981 · 16/01/2022 22:43

The poem thing is awful. What a prick. Leave as soon as you can. Head high, move on. Minimal contact aside from the practicalities. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurting. Good luck OP Flowers

LAURAMINIMAQ88 · 16/01/2022 22:52

I would leave OP, what a Dick..

Delawaregirl · 16/01/2022 23:13

His parents will be spun a different version of events by him so I wouldn't involve them except for terminating the lease. They will most certainly not take your side ( been there,seen it).
As for notifying his boss etc...nope. Seen this happen too..nothing was said about the cheating guy, but because his wife was so distraught and emotional and came in to "let everyone know,"....they got the police to remove her.
So, keep your dignity, and leave him/ them to it. You deserve so much better

Fresh2022 · 16/01/2022 23:50

Ugh This man is trash! Your worth so much more than this dumb untalented unimaginative idiot. Lots of women on the dating scene have had the same issue as the poem thing be it something else but I can't imagine how you must feel. Leave him in the dirt and start a new wonderful life because life is too short and your far too special for him.

Whadayaknow · 16/01/2022 23:56

Make sure you take what you love from the house - I’m guessing like me the books! - and only the best clothes and cookware, and then cut and run without warning - also dogs favourite cushion or other soft thing and run. Run.

Take all paperwork relating to the rental, or at least a copy. Also, depending on the landlord and bill situation and how organised/responsible/tosser-ish he is, make sure you can make sure the bills are paid on the home until your responsibility expires so you don’t end up in bad credit….

VioletLemon · 17/01/2022 00:13

He's a prick. You will be so much happier without this selfish person in your life. Pack and leave, go to your Mum and recover. You deserve to be happy.

Angrymum22 · 17/01/2022 00:36

@Dumbitdown

If she's anything like my ex's ow, she'll be googling the bleep out of you. Make a public post on FB with the poem, pointing out it's your wedding poem and saying something about how you surprised your husband with it on your wedding - no need to mention anything about what's going on. It's a roundabout dig but worked a treat for me.

More importantly. I'm coming into year 3 after picking up and leaving mine (after 17 years together). It was very very hard, especially with the extra spanner in the works that is covid, but it really can become a time for self discovery and you might just surprise yourself.

You are worth more than a coward who can't even admit he's hurting you.

I did the same with my DH’s EA exOW. I knew she was likely to watch my SM activity, she is a fraud investigator. So I changed settings to public and had a field day.
Autumnleaves4 · 17/01/2022 00:41

I am so so sorry that you are going through this, thank goodness you didn’t have children with this man. Just hold on to the thought that you deserve better than this. You deserve someone to love you properly and feel pity for the next poor sole he inflicts himself on. A poem you chose is the absolute pits, what an absolute arse. I am so sorry, just take small steps, one day at a time. You will get through this, better now than wasting anymore of your precious life on him.

ClareBlue · 17/01/2022 01:54

Presuming you are Irish and him probably not if he hasn't heard of SH before he met you. I'm going for that one about mixed marriage and throwing stones as your poem. Can't remember name. Not the 'foot for every year' poem as that would be strange. My fav is blackberries, because I do it with ours.
But sending your wedding poem to another women is a really horrible thing to do along with the confidence and intamacy he is sharing at the very least. You are only 3 years in and it's not going to get better.
Can you house yourself near your work?

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