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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
ilovechocolate07 · 16/01/2022 18:07

Leave as soon as you can. Blaming you and saying you've changed is gaslighting behavior.

Mumontour85 · 16/01/2022 18:08

He gave her a copy of YOUR WEDDING POEM?????

Kick this shithead out of your home and take him to the cleaners lovely.
What a horrible, disrespectful and nasty thing to do. Aside from everything else! That's such a personal betrayal of your love and relationship, he needs be given his marching orders immediately, if you can, make copies of any messages and emails. They will all help your case.

I am very petty so I would also be asking the OW whether she loves your wedding poem as much as he did on the day he married YOU!!!
I'd also probably contact their boss - they'd probably won't like to know what kind of people he has employed.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

Stay strong lovely. This will turn out for the best, you deserve so much better than a cheater that gaslights you.

Alcemeg · 16/01/2022 18:15

I'm so sorry, OP. Honestly, though, what a very strange man! Setting aside what a betrayal it is to share your wedding poem like that, what a bizarre lack of imagination and sincerity. It seems that's the best he can do, even in (presumably) the first flush of passion. I think you can safely leave and find a more rewarding relationship elsewhere. Good luck, this won't be easy but it will be worth it. Thank goodness you found out who he really is now, and not in 20 years' time! X

Ladybugzrock · 16/01/2022 18:19

Your mental and emotional safety comes first. It is only when those are in place you can heal. You’re at risk with this nasty individual.

Get some space to think clearly, practice self care and seek legal advice.

You are worth so much more than this jerk!

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/01/2022 18:30

@curledupinaball

His parents own our house which we rent off them! Another complication
This isn’t a complication, you don’t have the shares asset of a house to worry about so it makes things somewhat easier.

You need to leave the cheating fucker, you deserve better.

LuluBlakey1 · 16/01/2022 18:36

Get out if this relationship.He's awful and dim. The poem is totally inappropriate if he doesn't know that he's thick. If I was her and he'd sent that to me I'd have run a mile on that basis alone. He is treating you shoddily and belittling you with his behaviour. You sound lovely and deserve better.

Get your documents sorted, arrange things with your mum, take half of the joint money, take what you want, take the dogs and leave while he is at work. Don't ever go back or look back at him. I promise you that he would make you incredibly unhappy with his limitations and shallow character.

FlyingOink · 16/01/2022 18:40

I'd also probably contact their boss - they'd probably won't like to know what kind of people he has employed.

What? Why would his boss care?? This is really bad advice and will make it easy for him to play the victim.

Re the rental, providing the initial fixed term has ended, a joint tenancy can be ended by one party so just give them notice in accordance with the agreement, when you leave. It will end your liability and be left to your husband and his parents to issue a new agreement in his sole name, if that's what they decide they want to do.

Whereas this is good advice.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2022 18:46

How much shit do you need him to put you through before you leave?

You need to leave.

He is horrible.

Have some self respect.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2022 18:46

Your mental and emotional safety comes first x 100.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 18:50

I cannot leave at this moment I'm in no fit state to drive the 200 miles to my Mum's and need to get copies of things. Was thinking earlier I own most of the furniture! Ha

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2022 18:51

Yes you can.

Get a good night's kip, wake up in the morning and start making plans. You can do this. And keep talking to us.

You don't have to do anything tonight.

But please be safe.

Shouldbedoing · 16/01/2022 18:54

There are organisations which foster pets. Might be useful. Maybe take some time to get your 'ducks in a row' and move to a rental with a furniture van in one fell swoop

Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 18:55

@Balonziaga

The poem is a huge betrayal but also really inappropriate for a fling. The essence of thing is about solidity, longevity and bearing up under pressure - he doesn't even understand what he has sent. What a fucking cock.

What has happened to you is awful. He is gaslighting you and making you the enemy as this is the only way he can reconcile what he is doing to himself. He is definitely pushing you to leave. BUT you have much in your favour as others have mentioned.

Leave a broken scaffold clip on the kitchen table and clean out every single thing that matters to you including your dogs. He doesn't deserve one more minute of you.

This made me cry because you are so right about that poem, how dare he try and act all educated by giving her a framed calligraphy copy.
OP posts:
WhiteWriting · 16/01/2022 18:57

I have been through similar - also turned out the other woman was pregnant.

My advice is to do nothing for a few days, make no big decisions whilst in shock and seek legal advice as soon as you can.

All those posters saying 'no kids no mortgage no problem' don't know what they are talking about. It's quite draining and time consuming to dissolve any marriage.

Based on his behaviour in the last few days he is likely to turn nasty over money. Anecdotally men tend to when the love has gone.

Just sleep, eat, cry, lean on family and write things down when you can as you will be in a jumble.

I am one year on from where you are now. It does get better. When you're going through hell keep going.

SpacePotato · 16/01/2022 19:01

If it were me, I'd keep quiet and arrange somewhere else to live then once in place, get a removal company to pick up your furniture whilst he's at work.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 16/01/2022 19:02

I’d rent a storage unit and get everything you’d paid for out of the house. Go and stay with your mum on the same day.

Mangofandangoo · 16/01/2022 19:15

I'm so sorry I'm, what an utter bellend he is ☹️

Mangofandangoo · 16/01/2022 19:16

@curledupinaball

I cannot leave at this moment I'm in no fit state to drive the 200 miles to my Mum's and need to get copies of things. Was thinking earlier I own most of the furniture! Ha
Clear the house out and cut the crotch out of his trousers. Childish I know but needs must..
Sexnotgender · 16/01/2022 19:22

What a shithead. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you.

Bide your time, keep your powder dry and get out when you’re ready.

AngelinaFibres · 16/01/2022 19:32

@curledupinaball

I cannot leave at this moment I'm in no fit state to drive the 200 miles to my Mum's and need to get copies of things. Was thinking earlier I own most of the furniture! Ha
When I was going through my divorce my mum bought me a book called something like 'Surviving Divorce'. It was 25 years ago, but 2 things have stuck in my mind ever since. Firstly the book said that revenge was not worth bothering your mind with. 'The best revenge is a brilliant life'. I am not saying you want revenge but you may feel thoughts like that creeping into your head in a few weeks/ months. The other thing was in regard to 'stuff', of which there is always loads. For example , if between you, you have a dishwasher and a washing machine, then one of you has one thing, the other takes the other one. Most importantly was the advice that, if you can replace an item with next months salary, then let it go. It is not worth fighting over it. You need expert advice as to whether the furniture is an 'asset of the marriage '. It may be that he will go after a share of the £30,000 if you strip the house. If you leave behind what is, effectively, second hand furnture then you keep all the money. I am so far away from the sadness of it all that I can't remember the ins and outs of the law but a solicitor could sort basic advice in a short session. Painful to have to spend money on such things but so important.
RealBecca · 16/01/2022 19:35

I'd pretend to let ot blow over, gather evidence, paperwork of assets and income and spending and then catch him in the act, ideally in public and with a witness you know, like a friend or at his work so there are independent credible witnesses to his cheating and then get a divorce, safe that he shouldn't be able to deny it or say 'shes crazy''

MizzFizz · 16/01/2022 19:38

I'm so so sorry OP. Storage units are relatively cheap, you could start arranging to get a unit for a few months, plus a mover (I got an affordable recommendation on a local Facebook group) and plan to remove ALL your things, even if you have nowhere to take them for the moment.

When you have your things in order, you can leave him and his cheating man-child ways in the past.

NinaDefoe · 16/01/2022 19:44

I wish that I had walked away in absolute silence from my first relationship.
Like you, we rented and didn’t have DC.
I wish I had just LTB one day without a word.
He didn’t deserve the energy spent on him.

WeAreTheHeroes · 16/01/2022 19:53

Personally I would put tuna fish under all the carpets and cut the legs off if his suits but you may be nicer that I am.

You wouldn't - that's just dramatic nonsense.

OP back off challenging him and make plans to leave. Book a removal van if necessary for the things you took to the house or have paid for.