Do parents talk to their sons?

[Theblacksheepandme]

I have read so much and have become educated more and more on what to look out for by reading the relationships threads. I pass a lot of this information to my 14 year old daughter. I hope by educating her on what to watch out for and learning about red flags it will help her for future relationships.

This made me wonder how many parents and caregivers feel it is important to talk to their boys on the importance of respecting girls and women? Teaching them what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Asking if their friends acted inappropriately would they say something?

If parents had these discussions with their sons would it lessen the amount of toxic men in the World? Women have a genuine fear for their safety. Are teenage boys even being made aware of this?

I am not looking for an argument and I am certainly not pointing the finger at parents of boys. I am wondering what we can do as a society to change the behaviours of teenage boys?

@greasyshoes

Nah, you’re wrong.
Men want other men’s approval.
Women don’t mean anywhere (if any at all) as much as men.

@SportsMother

We're talking about a child not a man. And telling a parent or teacher is not doing nothing, it's an appropriate response that is safer for the boy and likely a lot more effective. Do you imagine the boys ogling the picture are going to see the error of their ways when another kid lectures them on respect, or do you think its more likely they will laugh in his face?

Because a boy being laughed at is worse than a woman’s intimate photos being made public for the purposes of male bonding.
He should do what he would want his father to do. That’s the standard that should be set for boys- not to be complicit in the moment, giving validation to sexual abusers.

It is inappropriate to expect children to tackle this in any situation, come what may. The appropriate thing to do is tell a teacher and/or his parent.

Not helpful to try and get children who are boys to take responsibility beyond their years.

What would you do if your son told you?

This thread is getting more and more bonkers

or they will just look for someone else who does not disassociate with them and tolerates it.

That's why as many women/girls as possible need to do it, as a principle.

Also why address the issue with girls, if they do this just walk away, don't go there. Why not expect more of boys and hold them to a higher standard BEFORE they reach this point, this comes from parents and society in general and way way before they reach their teenage years.

Any parent or adult knows that boys place very little value on their words.

Addressing the problem through other boys is pointless because again, boys don't listen to parents and adults, and they don't care all that much for other boys either. Even if it did work, then you would just get boys masking their behaviour in front of other boys, and then being abusive to girls when no other boys are around.

It's actually girls who have the most power here to drive social change and create peer pressure. Don't like a boy? Don't talk to him, expel him from your social circle, don't send him messages, block him on your Facebook. End all contact. It's simple.

I believe talking does little more than ticking the box for good parent did their part.

The values you want have to be modeled and taught.

Do all the mum of the boys who harrass, send dick pics, etc of girls also believe their sons wouldn't behave like that?

Neah, I tell all my children to behave like selfish assholes at every opportunity. Sex should be no bar to being an entitled Git.

lljkk
Neah, I tell all my children to behave like selfish assholes at every opportunity. Sex should be no bar to being an entitled Git. hmm

What an absolutely disgusting distasteful thing to say.

@greasyshoes

or they will just look for someone else who does not disassociate with them and tolerates it.

That's why as many women/girls as possible need to do it, as a principle.

Also why address the issue with girls, if they do this just walk away, don't go there. Why not expect more of boys and hold them to a higher standard BEFORE they reach this point, this comes from parents and society in general and way way before they reach their teenage years.

Any parent or adult knows that boys place very little value on their words.

Addressing the problem through other boys is pointless because again, boys don't listen to parents and adults, and they don't care all that much for other boys either. Even if it did work, then you would just get boys masking their behaviour in front of other boys, and then being abusive to girls when no other boys are around.

It's actually girls who have the most power here to drive social change and create peer pressure. Don't like a boy? Don't talk to him, expel him from your social circle, don't send him messages, block him on your Facebook. End all contact. It's simple.

I am sorry but I totally disagree with you. Girls should not be the ones that need to change. On an individual level, if my DD or DS was experiencing this I would advise them to walk away, but as we know life is not as straight forward as that. How many people stay in abusive relationships? Lots, because leaving is not that straight forward. However on a societal level we should not expect this behaviour from anyone. You mention that boys don't listen to adults/ parents or boys and only girls... this is a MASSIVE generalisation. There are plenty of boys who do give a shit what other boys think and as for not listening to adults, is that not just been a teenager regardless of your sex?

But judging by many of your posts here you clearly think you are the expert in all things male. I don't claim to be that at all, but I think the whole notion of male toxicity needs to be addressed firstly from a bottom up approach which starts at home when they are young by modelling the behaviour you expect from your children. Beyond that social media, the porn industry, schools....the list goes on and on. It's really not about girls changing their ways it's far more complicated than that.

*The values you want have to be modeled and taught.

@RantyAunty* this! From a young age!

greasyshoes I'm 99% sure you're a man based on saying it's simple for a girl (or even a woman) to say no to a man, particularly to a toxic one. It's at best spectacularly naive.

@RantyAunty but talking to them is teaching them? That’s how you teach them. Dh and I can model respect but the rest has to be conversation as I’m clearly not going to model it all.

Going back to the original post if you read this forum regularly you'd conclude women don't respect men either. Aren't interested in their issues.

The best advice to give a son is expect to be held accountable for your actions and act accordingly but don't expect the same in return.

@RantyAunty

I believe talking does little more than ticking the box for good parent did their part.

The values you want have to be modeled and taught.

Do all the mum of the boys who harrass, send dick pics, etc of girls also believe their sons wouldn't behave like that?

The values you want have to be modeled and taught in relation to "taught" you teach by talking though. So it isn't a tickbox exercise. The other thing you mention is modelling and yes, modelling is ideal, but many women do not have husbands who model well and in those cases the talking and teaching by talking by the mother becomes of immense importance.

Do all the mum of the boys who harrass, send dick pics, etc of girls also believe their sons wouldn't behave like that? I don't know, it is more likely that they just don't know, there seems to be a hands off culture in some circles, having a good relationship with your dc is written off (wrongly) as helicoptering or not being able to let your child go, is the trouble. NB many grown women send naked pics too, where I work it is seen as fun by both sexes. Where it is uninvited and unwanted that is a different matter, and with dc it is not acceptable, and some dc will be easier to manipulate than others and we do need to teach that (by talking and knowing our dc and having an ongoing dialogue).

Anyway - if you look at research about how to raise responsible children (both sexes) there is quite a lot of information, if you wanted guidance there is a lot of research on it, what works and what doesn't.

The number one “Men’s Issue” is toxic masculinity which is the root of male violence (against both males and females) men’s mental health, and the entitlement that leads to the breakdown of their relationships is that your opinion or are you quoting from somewhere? The number one problem as far as I know is where there is lack of lack of empathy, lack of self control, moral issues, lack of education, lack of fundamental respect for other human beings - all these things are teachable.

Yes we do - the responsibility is huge. So important to get it right and to counter all the toxic messages they get everyday about themselves and about girls. These are probably the most important conversations I'll ever have with anyone.

There are plenty of boys who do give a shit what other boys

I can very much assure you that if I had called out horrible behaviour from boys at school, they would not have cared the slightest bit.

think and as for not listening to adults, is that not just been a teenager regardless of your sex?

Yeah. And?

But judging by many of your posts here you clearly think you are the expert in all things male. I don't claim to be that at all, but I think the whole notion of male toxicity needs to be addressed firstly from a bottom up approach which starts at home when they are young by modelling the behaviour you expect from your children. Beyond that social media, the porn industry, schools....the list goes on and on. It's really not about girls changing their ways it's far more complicated than that.

Why do you think that? Because TV told you that social media and the porn industry are the problem?

I'm sure we both went to school before social media was a thing, before pornography was freely available online, and we will both recall that nothing has changed regarding boys attitudes towards girls.

@Casper001

Going back to the original post if you read this forum regularly you'd conclude women don't respect men either. Aren't interested in their issues.

The best advice to give a son is expect to be held accountable for your actions and act accordingly but don't expect the same in return.

Couldn’t agree more.

@steppemum I hadn't noted your response to me sorry, but you're very lucky and privileged to grow up with great parents and grandparents.

Unfortunately that wasn't the case in my own life, but I do appreciate your response.

if you read this forum regularly you'd conclude women don't respect men either. Aren't interested in their issues.

Do you think? #Sarcasm

Yes we did and still do. My DS always had alot of girls as friends and I think that helped. He also saw that even with him I can feel intimidated. He actively looks out for women and recognises his privilege.

@SportsMother

The number one problem as far as I know is where there is lack of lack of empathy, lack of self control, moral issues, lack of education, lack of fundamental respect for other human beings - all these things are teachable.

Which of those are not facets of toxic masculinity.
I agree they are teachable- I’m just not seeing much appetite to do that though.

Sportsmother Which of those are not facets of toxic masculinity toxic masculinity or feminity, it applies to both sexes. I think your question and issue here is why is it more men who commit atrocious crimes against women and children not other way round, and a lot of the answers are here. Other things are like undiagnosed conditions in men, like APD and ADHD - why are there so many men who only get diagnosed once in prison? Surely these traits showed in childhood? Where were their parents and teachers and other adults?

I do also believe in "takes a village.." there is wide responsibility not just parents.

I don't think you are going to achieve what you want to achieve with your posts though. What do you want to achieve, what end point would you be happy with,what would your idea future society be like? With some of the misandry on here it is hard to know whether what they want is no men, imprisoned men, or kind men?! Serious question

I talk to my son in age appropriate ways. I've also been teaching him about bodily boundaries since before he could walk (again age appropriately) so that it's something innate.

However, I do get rather fucked off with parents (often mothers) of only daughters who think that they're the only parents who do this. I have had this type of discussion in RL with mothers of only daughters who seem to think that parents of boys simply don't give a crap and are growing their boys up to be potential attackers of their daughters. You do realise that some of us mothers of boys have been the victims of serious acts of sexual violence by men too, right?

So, I also have a daughter. She's a bit younger and I have done the same with her. However, it's actually easier with girls than it is with boys, because there are far more social trends that support this type of thing in girls than there are in boys. Girls can go online and find plenty about believing in themselves, healthy relationships etc. I see very little out there for boys in comparison.