Do parents talk to their sons?

[Theblacksheepandme]

I have read so much and have become educated more and more on what to look out for by reading the relationships threads. I pass a lot of this information to my 14 year old daughter. I hope by educating her on what to watch out for and learning about red flags it will help her for future relationships.

This made me wonder how many parents and caregivers feel it is important to talk to their boys on the importance of respecting girls and women? Teaching them what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Asking if their friends acted inappropriately would they say something?

If parents had these discussions with their sons would it lessen the amount of toxic men in the World? Women have a genuine fear for their safety. Are teenage boys even being made aware of this?

I am not looking for an argument and I am certainly not pointing the finger at parents of boys. I am wondering what we can do as a society to change the behaviours of teenage boys?

*sexual contact/activity
*porn access. Not port access 😶

Imo one of the best things you can do - apart from modeling good behavior as parents- is keep boys (and girls) away from Porn. Teach then that people are not commodities to be used.

Also my teen DD explained the cup of tea example and consent issue to my DS and it does make sense to him as a secondary aged boy. He isn't naturally pushy anyway and isn't bothered by girls, but it doesn't hurt to explain consent early.

My son isn’t quite one so I haven’t had to deal with any specific issues yet, but yes I plan to teach him to treat women with respect.

Perhaps more importantly, his dad treats me with respect and I know he will make a point of making sure DS sees and understands that (it’s something he was careful to do around his much younger sisters).

Equally, I will put a lot of time and effort into teaching him to recognise red flags himself. And I’ll support him to express his emotions and ask for help, despite the toxic masculinity he will encounter.

It’s all part of being a parent, isn’t it?

My sons are 40 and 37 now, and I always told them to treat anyone fairly and decently, not just women. I do think that boys learn by example - watching the way the father treats the mum. Unfortunately, many boys grow up without a suitable role model (either the dad is absent or he's not very nice).

My son talks to me about it.

Only a couple of days ago he expressed concern that a college friend has yet again gone back to her toxic relationship and that he is concerned for her.

Another female friend from college was in a borderline abusive relationship last year and I am proud to say he has openly called out boys in his class who have been talking and behaving inappropriately about or around girls. (even risking being ostracised).

I have teens of both sexes and talk to both about respect, consent, body autonomy, coercion etc

I also worry about my son being wrongly accused of anything as well so try to make sure he really understands the issue of consent.

Yes I have always talked to my DS about these things. And like a PP, we’ve talked about things like whether to stay walking behind a loan female in the dark etc.

When he goes out with his female friends he always makes sure they get home safely, including to other parts of London with them before coming home.

But contraception isn’t just about her safety, it’s about his, and tbh I think the attitude that if a girl falls pregnant it’s all the man’s fault and he should have been wearing the condom is incredibly one-sided as if she has unprotected sex then it was just as much her responsibility.

Of course!
But also how to protect themselves too. Boys can also be vulnerable in a range of ways.

All the time, and he's only seven. We have a family mantra: "we don't touch people who don't want to be touched" which has been drummed into him since he was old enough to have grabby hands.

I think that some lovely parental talk and advice about respect and boundaries, sometimes goes out of one ear, and out the other, as when watching the activities of teens and older,when they go on these well known holiday places, that are famous now, for hundreds of teens, who openly go,for sex with anyone, drinking to oblivion, and trashing everything in sight.. Or do you have to kindly dismiss awful behaviour because of being on holiday, or working at such places.

Yes. I talk to my boys a lot about feminism, respect, healthy relationships etc.

Without being a dick about their dad, I have been honest about the reasons behind our marriage breakdown and the inequality that exists from me being a SAHM while they were young, about how to balance a relationship and home so that nobody is disadvantaged.

Hardest thing I’ve done is to finish a 9 year relationship with a man I adored because he showed some toxic traits that didn’t model the kind of relationships I want my kids to have as adults, or the kind of men I want them to grow up to be. It is killing me daily to be separated from him, but it would hurt a lot more to see my boys behaving in a misogynistic or aggressive way to their future partners, so I have had to end things. I’m trying to walk the walk as well as talking the talk, but they can also see how hard it is sometimes to just walk away from a bad relationship because nobody is all good or all bad.

I suppose I specifically asked about educating boys about how they treat girls.

In Ireland yesterday a primary school teacher was murdered by a man in broad daylight in front of witnesses. We live our lives in fear of being raped or murdered. Men don't generally go out with the same fear that we have.

@IWillFindYou

How do you people talk about porn?

This is a bit more difficult I think it’s incredibly damaging for teenage boys but DH thinks it’s a normal part of growing up. I have explained that now they have access to very different things he did (pre internet) and DH dies by use porn now but despite what me and DD say we still haven’t managed to convince him. I think another part of the issue is that it doesn’t occur to DH that not everyone reacts to things like he does and that not everyone behaves like him. I remember men looking at DD when she was about 13 and he just kept saying “but she’s 13”. He simply couldn’t comprehend looking at a girl of that age in that way. He watched porn and is fine so everyone else who looks at porn will be fine as far as he is concerned

When a man decides to murder a woman, it's not just because his mum failed to talk to him about treating women nicely, is it? It's most often because he has a mental health condition and/or grew up in conditions of abuse, violence or neglect, and lives in a world that encourages him to be violent.

Yeah I do. Most of his friends growing up were girls (he was always a bit effeminate and didn't really like hanging out with boys as a child) so he's honestly never shown any misogynistic behaviour - in fact he's pretty woke (as many in his generation are) and often points out misogyny/sexism/etc to others.
I did talk to him about porn too, plus gave him stuff to read about it years ago. We have always been open and honest, and it's been painful and awkward AF to talk about most of the time too, but so important.

yes.
Since he was primary age we have talked about all sorts of things, consent, relationships, sex, drunken sex (and lack of consent)

I have talked to him both form the point of view of him knowing how to behave, and also been honest with him about girls lying about contraception etc.

We also talk about violence, self control, the need to learn to walk away form dick heads, and, again, the effect of alcohol on those decision making abilities.

Some things he didn't really believ me until he was older and saw things in his peer group.

He's 19 now, and good egg.

ravenmum
When a man decides to murder a woman, it's not just because his mum failed to talk to him about treating women nicely, is it? It's most often because he has a mental health condition and/or grew up in conditions of abuse, violence or neglect, and lives in a world that encourages him to be violent.

I completely agree with you that when a man decides to murder a woman, it's not just because his mum failed to talk to him about treating women nicely. I also never once suggested in my thread that it is the Mums responsibility to talk to their sons. It is also a little bit more than doing a talk on treating women nicely.

Yes the consent issue has been so drummed into him he has become very judgemental of some of his “friends” who like to take advantage of very drunk girls to the point he will stop them taking advantage. He kept me waiting at 1am just before Christmas while he walked one of his friends to join a group he trusted rather than leave her with a lad who was trying to get her to go with him to his hotel. I am very proud of him even if it means sitting around waiting at 1am when I go to fetch him.

chainoverreaction
You might live you life like that
But many women don't
And shouldn't either

I don't agree with you. I think a lot of women have these fears but I agree they shouldn't.

Omg yes.

I have but it’s slightly different in that he’s gay. I’ve spoken to DD snd DS about consent, respect, red flags etc but also that it goes both ways- they shouldn’t pressure if they feel they’re missing out, or allow themselves to be pressured for instance.

My son is 23. We've always had these talks. He showed the other boys in the 6th form the tea and consent video because he was so shocked at what some of them were saying.

But he was equally shocked that many of the women also thought that, if a woman is drunk, she is "at least 50% responsible" if she is raped. He did challenge them on that - I mean, at least 50% responsible implies that in many cases the woman is more culpable!

Turned out that they were all just scared and believed that if they didn't get drunk etc then they could protect themselves from being raped. Cos that's the myth isn't it?

@BiscuitLover3678

I’m not precious enough to think my son is perfect, but I’m sure lots of parents do. That’s the issue.

Mine is only 2 but I am very concerned about ensuring we have those discussions and limit as much everyday sexism as we can. Having lots of discussions in general are really important.

Oh come on now. You are allowed to think your 2 year old is perfect! Every other parent of a 2 year old does