Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do parents talk to their sons?

228 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 15:19

I have read so much and have become educated more and more on what to look out for by reading the relationships threads. I pass a lot of this information to my 14 year old daughter. I hope by educating her on what to watch out for and learning about red flags it will help her for future relationships.

This made me wonder how many parents and caregivers feel it is important to talk to their boys on the importance of respecting girls and women? Teaching them what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Asking if their friends acted inappropriately would they say something?

If parents had these discussions with their sons would it lessen the amount of toxic men in the World? Women have a genuine fear for their safety. Are teenage boys even being made aware of this?

I am not looking for an argument and I am certainly not pointing the finger at parents of boys. I am wondering what we can do as a society to change the behaviours of teenage boys?

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 13/01/2022 20:15

Oh I’m so glad that us parents of boys have the parents of girls to tell us how to bring our kids up. And to explain what we are getting wrong. After all as a mum of 3 sons I couldn’t possibly have a clue could I? Oh and of course my DC being mere boys well they will just ignore every conversation any adult has with them won’t they? Or perhaps they are just too dim to comprehend, not being female…..

Any idea how fucking patronising you sound in your OP???

eyeseeyou · 13/01/2022 20:20

@MissyB1, yes, it's a horrific thought our boys might get it badly wrong. Horrible, heartbreaking thought. Tragic. So of course we talk to them, parent them as best we can!

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 20:28

MissyB1
Oh I’m so glad that us parents of boys have the parents of girls to tell us how to bring our kids up. And to explain what we are getting wrong. After all as a mum of 3 sons I couldn’t possibly have a clue could I? Oh and of course my DC being mere boys well they will just ignore every conversation any adult has with them won’t they? Or perhaps they are just too dim to comprehend, not being female…..

Any idea how fucking patronising you sound in your OP???

Out of interest, what advice have I given? What have I said that's patronising?

OP posts:
Casper001 · 13/01/2022 20:28

I generally believe the adage that good people will generally produce good people as their values will be the values (usually) of the children.

I don't think this is solely a boy issue though. Society is moving away from some of the basic principles that help boys thrive (namely a father that is present).

Holeyscarf · 13/01/2022 20:31

What do you teach your two boys op?

Holeyscarf · 13/01/2022 20:32

You are in the ideal position given you have two boys and are experiencing the patriarchy. So what do you say to your sons?

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 20:34

Holeyscarf
What do you teach your two boys op?

If you read what I said you would know I don't have boys. I also included what I teach my daughter.

OP posts:
Holeyscarf · 13/01/2022 20:34

@Theblacksheepandme

Holeyscarf What do you teach your two boys op?

If you read what I said you would know I don't have boys. I also included what I teach my daughter.

I did read but no definitive answers? Please enlighten me?
Holeyscarf · 13/01/2022 20:36

So you quoted this

SmallElephant
Yes, I have two sons (and a daughter) and I talk to them about consent and respecting women. So far I have no concerns about their behaviour towards girls.

This is taught in my daughters school but my daughter tells me that it washes over the boys heads. These boys still use inappropriate language and act inappropriately towards girls. I suppose if they are hearing it at home as well as school it may help.

But did not quote it properly which led to quite a few posters saying you have sons.

So, please give your advice. What do you want parents of sons to do?

BooksAndGin · 13/01/2022 20:37

Yes I speak to mine about it all the time.

Your post comes across seriously up to yourself. Have you spoken to your daughter about domestic violence that happens to male partners too?

Casper001 · 13/01/2022 20:38

@Theblacksheepandme

SmallElephant Yes, I have two sons (and a daughter) and I talk to them about consent and respecting women. So far I have no concerns about their behaviour towards girls.

This is taught in my daughters school but my daughter tells me that it washes over the boys heads. These boys still use inappropriate language and act inappropriately towards girls. I suppose if they are hearing it at home as well as school it may help.

You have or don't have boys?
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 20:41

BooksAndGin

Yes I speak to mine about it all the time.

Your post comes across seriously up to yourself. Have you spoken to your daughter about domestic violenc

I most certainly do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 20:44

Theblacksheepandme

SmallElephant
Yes, I have two sons (and a daughter) and I talk to them about consent and respecting women. So far I have no concerns about their behaviour towards girls.

This is taught in my daughters school but my daughter tells me that it washes over the boys heads. These boys still use inappropriate language and act inappropriately towards girls. I suppose if they are hearing it at home as well as school it may help.

You have or don't have boys?

I am not SmallElephant and I don't have boys. I never said I had boys.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 13/01/2022 20:45

What have you said that’s patronising? Oh well let’s start with the title of the thread shall we?? @Theblacksheepandme

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 20:46

If you click in OP’s posts:See all you will see all of my posts. Absolutely nowhere have I said I have boys.

OP posts:
AdditionalCharacter · 13/01/2022 20:46

I only have boys, they're all teenagers, and very tall ones at that. I'd like to think I've raised them to respect women and their space. They've all watched the consent/tea video, we talk about and discuss articles relating to violence to women that's been on the news.

One of the things I've told them, after reading it on MN many years ago, is if they're walking home and it's dark, and there is a woman in front of them, to cross the road and pass her that way, rather than shuffling past her. Or if that's not possible, to say "excuse me, just trying to get past".

Oblomov22 · 13/01/2022 20:46

Errr yes. Why on earth would you think I wouldn't? I do to teen Ds1 and ds2.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 20:48

MissyB1
What have you said that’s patronising? Oh well let’s start with the title of the thread shall we??

I obviously hit a nerve, apologies.

OP posts:
Holeyscarf · 13/01/2022 20:52

As I said, you did not put the quote in ‘quotes’ and a few people have said it was misleading. Asking people to click on op posts is quite patronising in itself so maybe take on board what other posters have said?

No idea what your agenda is, but I am out.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 13/01/2022 20:57

Holeyscarf
As I said, you did not put the quote in ‘quotes’ and a few people have said it was misleading.

What you have just said is not at all patronising. I am also missing something as where have people told me I am misleading?

OP posts:
rambleonplease · 13/01/2022 21:00

My son is 4 and my daughter 9. Toxic masculinity starts young! Big boys don't cry, be a big boy now etc etc. It's a work in progress that starts when young and carries on through the teens. For me at a young age, it's about learning consent. So that means your sister has asked you not to go in her room, so you need to stay out. Etc. But on all levels and tbh it's a constant theme of our life. But it also extends to him. If he tells us he doesn't like us doing something to him, we must stop. It works both ways.

But it's also allowing him to express his feelings comfortably with me, not feeling he cannot be sad or cry etc. But equally constantly reiterating to be more gentle with others. Again a constant theme!

The whole thing will get more complicated as he gets older as it has done with my dd. But I refuse to be one of those mothers of boys, who use the excuse "ah boys will be boys" That's bullshit! I felt that hugely when my daughter was young, witnessing aggressive, often unkind behaviour from boys and not one adult would bat an eyelid. And you knew full well that if a girl did the same, people would have something bad to say about it!

Ohmamma30 · 13/01/2022 21:01

I have two sons, aged 16 and 5. From a very young age, I have drummed in the meaning of mutual respect in a relationship. I have reinforced that unless you have a clear and eager 'YES', it's a big, fat 'NO', aside from this, I'm unsure how much more we can do. I do state, if you wouldn't like to be treated poorly, you must understand others wouldn't want to be either. I have undergone abuse, I would not want my children to become abusers also.

Enough4me · 13/01/2022 21:09

OP, I'm not sure if some posters are new to MN and misreading your posts, or are on here to vent at anyone for any reason, or genuinely cannot understand why you are asking parents of DS if they talk about things like consent. Thankfully they are in the minority.

We are all aware that girls and women are at risk of sexual violence from boys and men through DV at home or simply being alone outside. Thus, talking at home with sons should be a normal thing and you weren't being patronising.

For the bossy posters - yes, I can comment and I have a DS and DD.

Rubyglitter · 13/01/2022 21:18

It’s important to teach kids about what a healthy relationship looks like and how to spot red flags. Boys and men end up in emotionally and physically abusive relationships too. Often they feel too ashamed to tell anyone and they stay with their abusive gf or bf.

I knew a “nice” and popular guy. Everyone loved him. Didn’t stop him from attacking me when I was a teen. I never told anyone.

RobotValkyrie · 13/01/2022 21:22

I teach my boys about respect, consent, and boundaries, all the bloody time.
Mostly because I want them to recognise (and reject) abuse when it's directed towards them. They've experienced small-scale peer-on-peer abuse since nursery, and it got bigger in primary school. All the abusers have been boys. It's small stuff, the staff don't always notice, but some of it is quite nasty: physical harassment, damaging belongings, emotional mind games, pushing of boundaries... Not full on bullying, because it's not targetted personally at them, but the patterns of abuse are there.

Toxic masculinity starts young.