Do parents talk to their sons?

[Theblacksheepandme]

I have read so much and have become educated more and more on what to look out for by reading the relationships threads. I pass a lot of this information to my 14 year old daughter. I hope by educating her on what to watch out for and learning about red flags it will help her for future relationships.

This made me wonder how many parents and caregivers feel it is important to talk to their boys on the importance of respecting girls and women? Teaching them what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Asking if their friends acted inappropriately would they say something?

If parents had these discussions with their sons would it lessen the amount of toxic men in the World? Women have a genuine fear for their safety. Are teenage boys even being made aware of this?

I am not looking for an argument and I am certainly not pointing the finger at parents of boys. I am wondering what we can do as a society to change the behaviours of teenage boys?

This is a sensitive subject.
MN can talk about hiw bad boys/men can be, but at the same time it’s never their precious boys.

Whoever might answer, it’s going to be a selective bias.
And promises how their sons are going to be the chance.

Yes of course I do.
I emphasise how the onus is not on women to control men’s behaviour and I asked him what he thought about Sarah Everard and similar cases.
He has a Feminist mother, a thoroughly decent father and a much loved sister, I think he will turn out ok

Of course.

My son is seven and we talk about respect, violence, consent, girls, boys, periods, puberty, privacy etc.

All at an age appropriate language.

I’m going along the “treating differently is unfair” route

Ds1 (6) and I were talking about women’s football the other day, and he said it was really unfair that girls weren’t allowed to play football in the past. So by focusing on inequality I’m trying to avoid the girls good/boys bad trap that I think is quite easy to fall into

Whether it’s the right approach? No idea!

I also speak to my husband about what men can and should be doing to improve the safety of women, about challenging misogyny in his social circles etc

Yes, I have two sons (and a daughter) and I talk to them about consent and respecting women. So far I have no concerns about their behaviour towards girls.

I have 2 adult sons and I had lots of conversations with them about respect, consent, and being 'gentlemen'. (And I make no apology for the slightly sexist and ageist comment, you know what I mean)

I also talked to them about looking after themselves.. that some women can be very manipulative and nasty.

The contraceptive talks were as much about keeping themselves safe as their women friends.

I talk to my DS about it a lot. Consent, controlling behaviour, jealously, everything I've ever experienced from dickhead men. It's important they learn. He had a wee GF back when he was 12. And he was talking about her talking to other boys and how she was being horrible to him and everything and how she decided to go out with another boy and not tell him and just a load of absolute nonsense. But it shocked me at how young they thought that because she was his GF that she shouldn't talk to other boys. Nipped that right in the bud. He certainly didn't learn it from me. My only hope for him regardless of any other achievements is that he's a good partner and a kind person.

I have sons and yes I do talk to them about this stuff. My eldest is 16 and I view his behaviour through a different lense now he is older. I do see behaviours every now and again towards me that make me think “hmm that shit wouldn’t (or rather shouldn’t) fly in a relationship”
I admit I find this stage hard to navigate because I want a positive relationship with my son but also at times I have had to point out that he’s acting like a misogynistic twat! Obviously we model what we want to see in our kids and guide them but there are many other outside influences sadly.
Essentially he’s a good kid but yeah sadly I do see snippets of attitude that I wouldn’t want him to bring to a relationship.
All I can say is if I ever sense disrespect towards a woman or girlfriend in my presence I’ll pull him up on it and if that meant telling a girl to dump him then I would!

My DS is now 21. I knew what his views were as he had ended friendships with others that had dubious attitudes to women. He also corrects DH on his misogynistic attitude.
DS also said that there were many discussions on consent at school and information videos, boys school.

I talk to my 15 yo DS about healthy relationships, how people behave abusively to others, about there not being any 'vulva' jobs in our house, and DH and I model all this in everyday life.

I’m not precious enough to think my son is perfect, but I’m sure lots of parents do. That’s the issue.

Mine is only 2 but I am very concerned about ensuring we have those discussions and limit as much everyday sexism as we can. Having lots of discussions in general are really important.

@CMOTDibbler

I talk to my 15 yo DS about healthy relationships, how people behave abusively to others, about there not being any 'vulva' jobs in our house, and DH and I model all this in everyday life.

What is a vulva job??

I have and still do. Though I noticed the other day my 17yo ds was talking to me about his friend. He was telling me about how his friend had told him that his girlfriend was upset because he locked her in the house etc. A few other things that were clearly abusive. Apparently the girlfriend had also messaged my ds, and my ds told her "you can't break up, you are good together"
I told him off for this and asked him to explain to me what was good about what he had just described to me.

I asked why he had taken the view that they were good together, and even more so why he felt the need to tell the victim of abuse that she should stay in a relationship like that. He was holding on too much to how he thought his friend was, rather than how his friend is currently behaving.

His friend is a transmale, with lovely parents. This behaviour has worsened since the transitioning process and I cant help but think it is the view of how boys expect men to behave, regardless of how they are brought up. Obviously upbringing will play a part at times, if not the majority, but I dont think it is always the case.

I was shocked that after everything my ds knows about abuse and the chats we have had, that he still was blinded so easily when it was plain as day. Its quite worrying to be honest. I can only hope that he will never behave that way towards anyone. I dont think he will, but doesn't every mother think that?

SmallElephant
Yes, I have two sons (and a daughter) and I talk to them about consent and respecting women. So far I have no concerns about their behaviour towards girls.

This is taught in my daughters school but my daughter tells me that it washes over the boys heads. These boys still use inappropriate language and act inappropriately towards girls. I suppose if they are hearing it at home as well as school it may help.

What is a vulva job??

I think in the context of the post, they mean women's jobs. So every job in the home can be done by men or women, boys or girls. Nothing specifically requires a vulva to do it, so anyone can and should be doing it.

Yes. Occasions are limited now they are at university though. But they have a feminist mother who shouts a lot about respect and consent.
As a father, my DH models appropriate behaviour too

A huge part of how we behave in relationships is absorbed by what we observe growing up. It's still important to talk to DC, but the osmosis of experience is still the most powerful influence by far.

How do you people talk about porn?

Yes I talk to my boys about all that stuff.

They know that if they are out after dark and end up walking behind a lone female they need to cross the road or slow down significantly. They know about consent. They know they need to provide condoms even if a woman says she's using contraception. They know they need to use condoms if they have sex with another man.
DS1 asked a relative recently why she serves her DH before herself in a buffet/serve yourself meal situation, he was very when she said its because she's his wife. They've called out friends making misogynistic remarks.

Yes of course. I started talking about consent (and also about the importance of females getting pleasure from sex) at our very first talks about sex. We also talk generally about relationships. I hope that my son as well as my daughters will benefit from seeing how my dh and I treat each other.

It's all good explaining consent but that is one issue in teen relationships. Expection of the level contact/activity (that is fed by easy port access) is what needs to be addressed when it comes to teen boys.

I don't have any sons, I have 3 daughters, with my two eldest being 11 & 12. They are very aware of boundaries when being approached and approaching others.

Yes. I feel at an advantage as I have a teen DD with a BF and my DS (12) hears and is part of general conversations about appropriate behaviour. He sees that equality and respect is normal.

We have an open communication policy and so both my DCs tell me things as they know I don't start with blame, but I listen and we talk about behaviour & consequences.

Well, duh :)
But even so, he still sometimes mentions being surprised about something his sister or female friends have told him.
Lived experience is still more effective, and following that peer pressure. Parents do play some role, but young men live in the world, not just the home.