Do parents talk to their sons?

[Theblacksheepandme]

I have read so much and have become educated more and more on what to look out for by reading the relationships threads. I pass a lot of this information to my 14 year old daughter. I hope by educating her on what to watch out for and learning about red flags it will help her for future relationships.

This made me wonder how many parents and caregivers feel it is important to talk to their boys on the importance of respecting girls and women? Teaching them what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Asking if their friends acted inappropriately would they say something?

If parents had these discussions with their sons would it lessen the amount of toxic men in the World? Women have a genuine fear for their safety. Are teenage boys even being made aware of this?

I am not looking for an argument and I am certainly not pointing the finger at parents of boys. I am wondering what we can do as a society to change the behaviours of teenage boys?

I have three boys, my eldest (other two are 14 and 7) has had three long term relationships with the first one at 16. I was very clear as someone affected by a shitty father that i expected better from my boys. I told my eldest that he needs to remember he has a crucial role in a girls emotional wellbeing and self esteem. I expected him to treat them with respect and not be a shit bag. I have got on with all of his girlfriends and sometimes supported them when he was an ass hole. He knows i dont tolerate shitty behaviour. He has an open dialogue with me too and has asked for help.

This isnt just about consent but about basic good behaviours when in relationship as poor ones can impact girls going forward.

Actions do speak louder than words. There are threads every day on here about men who treat their wives like shit and not real people. Their sons will be learning this is how to behave and daughters learning it's how you're treated.

Ultimately it is though, I am to afraid to go into the forest walking on my own.. so I don’t and plan things so that I don’t have to. That’s exactly what the other poster was saying. ‘Living in fear’ isn’t shaking from the second you wake up, it’s adjusting your life and how you live because your scared of what could happen.

@FTEngineerM

You know what is really ‘fun’.

The ‘boys will be boys’.
The ‘oh boys are boisterous’.
The ‘you will grow up to be strong/big’.

Why not kind/understanding? I’ve literally never heard it. I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it because I’ve got two boys and I’m petrified of the world they’re growing up into and the external influences, small but constant about how they’re endlessly powerful and strong and can be excused because they have a penis?!

You've never heard of boys being asked to be kind or understanding? That's very odd.

Kindness is a requirement of everyone in our house, regardless of sex.

The cliches you repeat are not phrases I've heard applied to children I know.

Well, it's worth talking to sons in case it makes a difference but...

there's something about men, they respect and listen to each other rather than any other source. So even a loved mother speaks and it's like the sound of a grasshopper chirping to them, they hear it but it doesn't matter. They have to reject mothers anyway, to achieve adulthood, they can't identify with women.

So, if we want men to be less violent for example, we need to convince men in general to tell each other how to behave properly. Which is difficult, because violence thrills them, in life in general and also in sex.

so even a loved mother speaks and it’s like the sound of a grasshopper chirping to them, they hear it but it doesn’t matter

Wow, well subject matter aside for the moment, this is a powerful piece of writing. I love this!

@StopStartStop
See above

I think parents can do their very best to discuss these issues with their DC, but there’s no guarantee how much will be absorbed/put into practice.

I have a 16 year old DD and, despite us having a very open and honest relationship and having many, many chats about relationships, respect, consent, coercion, red flags etc over the years I think teenage hormones make her unable/unwilling to spot/respond to the red flags in practice. She has had 3 teenage relationships- the first coerced her into sending nudes, the 2nd raped her whilst she was asleep and was very verbally abusive, and the 3rd cheated on her. She is definitely learning the hard way 😕

I’m considering doing the freedom programme with her - thoughts??

there's something about men, they respect and listen to each other rather than any other source. So even a loved mother speaks and it's like the sound of a grasshopper chirping to them, they hear it but it doesn't matter. They have to reject mothers anyway, to achieve adulthood, they can't identify with women.

I disagree.
ds is 19.
I have been droning on about this stuff forever.
Not only this but society, looking after the poor, etc etc .

He used to think it was all just talk, yawn, just mum.

Then at about 17 he started to spend more time in the homes of a couple of his friends. One friend started to spend one day a week at our house due to situation at home. He began to realise that the rest of the world was not always like his Mum and Dad. His girlfriend's stepfather was controlling of the family, and she was scared of him, and so on and so on. It was quite an eye opener for him.

One night we had a long talk, he had realised just how much sense we had talked over the years and he had had a bit of a revelation about the fact that we were half decent parents.

The things you say and teach do eventually take root. Good or bad.

Do parents talk to their sons?

No. No we don't.

This again?! Of course good parents talk to their sons about these issues. Why do mothers of girls act so superior?!

FTEngineerM

You know what is really ‘fun’.

The ‘boys will be boys’.
The ‘oh boys are boisterous’.
The ‘you will grow up to be strong/big’.

Why not kind/understanding? I’ve literally never heard it. I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it because I’ve got two boys and I’m petrified of the world they’re growing up into and the external influences, small but constant about how they’re endlessly powerful and strong and can be excused because they have a penis?!

I have heard these cliches being used.

I have two sons, my 5 year old knows about periods, consent (often used back toward me as in 'no means no, I don't want to have a bath) lol

He knows about the body and to look out for his friends, he's extremely protective of girls and women (he's unfortunately seen me be hurt in the past), he's kind and clever, he cares a lot about people and I really hope this sticks as he grows

I hope I am raising two boys who will be female protectors

This made me wonder how many parents and caregivers feel it is important to talk to their boys on the importance of respecting girls and women? yes, but also about what they should expect from a relationship and friendships so both how they should treat others but also how they should expect to be treated. boys are as vulnerable to abuse and manipulation and being treated badly as girls as children. another thing is that according to my dss boys are treated less well by teachers, the teachers constantly make comments putting boys down, like "boys aren't so good at multi tasking" or "boys can't talk about feelings" and this has a damaging effect too, over time. a part of being able to be in a healthy relationship is things like emotional intelligence, empathy, and boys need to be taught about that and to receive it too. if we do not make sure we have emotional connections with boys we cannot expect them to replicate it or to want it with other people. i think boys not being understanding what a healthy relationship is like, what it feels like, is part of the problem. i think the fact that some parents want girls not boys is also part of the problem, it seems that some have a deep rooted belief that girls on the whole are better or easier or cuter or more sensitive or more creative - none of this is true or helpful

i hope very much that this will make a difference as dss grow up but i am also aware how many which interfere with our influence - other men, fathers sometimes, porn, other crap like that.

there's something about men, they respect and listen to each other rather than any other source. So even a loved mother speaks and it's like the sound of a grasshopper chirping to them, they hear it but it doesn't matter. They have to reject mothers anyway, to achieve adulthood, they can't identify with women i think in all honesty that this attitude is part of the problem. look at men who do grow up to enjoy women's company and to treat everyone genuinely well, women and everyone else - they do exist - and see what made a difference in their childhood.

Oh that last bit came out wrong. Not female protectors per se. But informed and aware of what the world is like for everyone. Also about racism and right from wrong

@driftcompatible

Do parents talk to their sons?

No. No we don't.

This again?! Of course good parents talk to their sons about these issues. Why do mothers of girls act so superior?!

The OP is a mum of boys.

Staywithmemyblood
I think parents can do their very best to discuss these issues with their DC, but there’s no guarantee how much will be absorbed/put into practice.

I have a 16 year old DD and, despite us having a very open and honest relationship and having many, many chats about relationships, respect, consent, coercion, red flags etc over the years I think teenage hormones make her unable/unwilling to spot/respond to the red flags in practice. She has had 3 teenage relationships- the first coerced her into sending nudes, the 2nd raped her whilst she was asleep and was very verbally abusive, and the 3rd cheated on her. She is definitely learning the hard way 😕

I’m considering doing the freedom programme with her - thoughts?

I am so sorry your daughter has been through this. If you could get her counselling I think it would massively help her.

Ever since they went to school my sons and I have always discussed relationships of all kinds , friendships, relationships with teachers, neighbours, family. As they got older it widened to talking about their relationships with us their parents, their girld friends, their friends who were girls, housemates, bosses, work colleagues, partners.

   As small boys  they had  first learned  about physical boundaries,   power,   coercion,  consent , danger and safety,  risk awareness,  responsible protection, in relation to themselves and each other and  practised therm irl  . They had a  very outdoors physical  childhood  in which they  acquired   autonomy  through graduated  extended  risk , responsible personal  behaviour etc.  Extending  those attitudes and outlooks   to their  relationships with girls  was quite natural.

itsacovidxmasone

driftcompatible

Do parents talk to their sons?

No. No we don't. hmm

This again?! Of course good parents talk to their sons about these issues. Why do mothers of girls act so superior?!

The OP is a mum of boys.

I'm not actually but I also think it is insulting for driftcompatible to tell me I act superior because I have a daughter.

Yes.

For example, I have talked about how you can't just 'launch' yourself on a girl/anyone you fancy. You need to ask permission regarding any physical contact. (Context, complaining about other boys saying he should make a move on a particular girl). Referred to consent.
Talked about being very careful if drunk. If someone is under the influence they cannot really reliably consent to anything.

Talked about being ready for a relationship/ being intimate. Nobody's business but the people involved as long as we're talking about something that is legal.

Talked about obscene images (reference newspaper article).

Oh and talked about precautions with reference to unwanted pregnancies STDs.

I do, and he's got pretty good attitudes. I don't know whether the two are linked though, as quite honestly, the biggest influence on teenagers is their peer group with parental opinion often just white noise. You can hope your son meets friends with good attitudes, or if not, has the strength of character to go against the grain, but teens are often not that receptive to parental input. It's also got to he remembered that however much you try to influence, poor attitudes to women are often in men's interests, so fighting that is an uphill struggle. I'm very thankful my DS is a good man, but I don't delude myself its diwn to me, that he always gets it right, or that I'd be any the wiser if he didn't.

@Staywithmemyblood I'm not sure the Freedom Programme would be all that helpful for her, but I think something aimed at teenagers would be good. I don't know where you are in the country, but Women and Girls Network in London are very good - www.wgn.org.uk/young-womens-services/what-we-do - and offer a range of support including 1-1 advice and/or counselling, as well as group sessions. If you're located elsewhere in the country it might still be worth getting in touch with WGN if your DD would like some support as they will likely know of other organisations working with girls and young women who may be able to help.

We've always approached dealing with porn (and social media actually) is by highlighting that like many things on tv/youtube etc it's not accurate.

They know that Emmerdale or Eastenders isn't an accurate portrayal of life. They know that You Tube documentaries are not always an accurte portrayal. So porn is the same. It's a dramatised and attention grabbing.

DS1 (now 22) still talks about the time I compared the ever increasing violence in porn to the Christmas Day soap episodes - more other things to compete with = more dramatic and ridiculous storylines and bearing absolutely no reality whatsoever.

We take a similar approach to social media with pointing out that people tend to only post the shiny bits of life.