Is sex important for you?

[Whatthefuck3456]

My marriage has been brilliant for 3 years, the last year it’s a complete shit show! My husband and I have had a baby 18 months ago, times have been extremely hard. 12 year age difference! He is happy with sex 2-3 times per month, this for me is not enough, due to lack of intimacy we don’t have that deep connection if you know what I mean. I am craving that intimate connection with my husband.

This issue has caused argument for a few months now. We argue, we sort it then within a few weeks it’s back to normal. I hate it!! I hate the fact he thinks I’m moaning about wanting him to shg me more when it’s not it’s about this connection I long for! The shg is over in less than a minute it takes longer to get undressed. I need more. I feel ugly & so insecure by this.

Fast forward to now and he says I’ve let myself go this is partly the reason why? He said it during an argument about something else. To me I still do all the upkeep of myself, I always have I am just tired from having a baby, job and looking after the house etc. I just needed to vent. I’m so worried is this my life now. Will I regret it if I leave as it’s only sex? But I feel so unhappy that I want more! This is massively effecting my MH. WWYD

All relationships have peaks and troughs my oh and I have had periods where sex has been a big part of our life and then other times less so. The important thing is to have intimacy so do you feel close through touch, words or actions. That's more important than how often. But you do need to be able to talk about what you want your sex life to look like. Him blaming you for his lack of interest is wrong.

@oopsyoudiditagain
Depends what you mean by old, was still valid in 2015

Post menopause, No.

I would divorce over that. Also it is not just not often enough, but 'over in 1 min'? My bet is he has some issues in that department and too scared to address it hence the pathetic comment about you letting yourself go. Same clothes size and gym 5 days a week is not 'letting yourself go', quite the opposite

OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling down about this. Having a baby can have a huge effect on a relationship and many couples struggle.

As you can see from the thread, there's no single answer about how important sex is, or how frequent it should be. It's a complex and emotive subject and a bunch of us on the internet really can't get a very clear picture of your marriage.

It was shitty of your H to say you'd let yourself go, and that must have hurt, but we don't know if that was a one-off, or if it's part of a larger pattern of being shitty to you.

OTOH, it's really shitty to be pressured by your partner for more sex that you feel capable of performing. It's possible your husband is experiencing some medical issue, or a mental health issue, that is affecting his interest in sex. Being pressured can then make you feel less and less interest in sex with your partner. And just because that pressure is coming from someone you love, and it's because they crave emotional intimacy with you ... well, that doesn't necessarily make it feel better.

I'd suggest that couples counseling could help, maybe combined with individual counseling for yourself. This is more likely to address the complexities of your situation effectively than a bunch of us on the internet who are only seeing a tiny sliver of the picture.

If you decide you need to be in a relationship with more sex and that's non-negotiable for you--that's fine, you are absolutely allowed to feel that way. But just keep in mind that in any long-term relationship, people's sex drives can go up and down tremendously due to age, health, life situation (e.g. bereavement, new baby, work stress) ... it might be worth considering whether you could develop other ways to feel intimate with your partner and secure in yourself in the long term, or the same pattern could repeat all over again with new partners. (I don't mean you have to give up all hope of having an active sex life, but perhaps consider whether you can balance it out with other things.)

Best wishes with whatever you decide.