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Relationships

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Original poster

Is sex important for you?

55 replies

Whatthefuck3456 · 12/01/2022 20:34

My marriage has been brilliant for 3 years, the last year it’s a complete shit show! My husband and I have had a baby 18 months ago, times have been extremely hard. 12 year age difference! He is happy with sex 2-3 times per month, this for me is not enough, due to lack of intimacy we don’t have that deep connection if you know what I mean. I am craving that intimate connection with my husband.

This issue has caused argument for a few months now. We argue, we sort it then within a few weeks it’s back to normal. I hate it!! I hate the fact he thinks I’m moaning about wanting him to shg me more when it’s not it’s about this connection I long for! The shg is over in less than a minute it takes longer to get undressed. I need more. I feel ugly & so insecure by this.

Fast forward to now and he says I’ve let myself go this is partly the reason why? He said it during an argument about something else. To me I still do all the upkeep of myself, I always have I am just tired from having a baby, job and looking after the house etc. I just needed to vent. I’m so worried is this my life now. Will I regret it if I leave as it’s only sex? But I feel so unhappy that I want more! This is massively effecting my MH. WWYD

OP posts:

BarbedButterfly · 13/01/2022 10:07

It is for me and I have ended a relationship because of a similar situation. I am now with someone with an equal sex drive and I am so much happier. It isn't the only thing that matters of course, but I think being in a relationship where it is important to one and not to the other is going to lead to friction.

scooterbear · 13/01/2022 10:17

Hugely important to me. I wouldn't be happy with twice a month. You are right it's a lot about connection but I also really enjoy it.

caringcarer · 13/01/2022 10:18

It is sad but it sounds like he just does not fancy you or love you enough to make more effort. Twice a month sex is very low and then only takes 1 minute! He has the problems not you. If he does not want piv more than twice a month will he pleasure you in other ways or does he not make the effort there either. It sounds like you make more effort than most to not let yourself go. Only you know if you can settle for this level of sex/intimacy or need more.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 13:47

@caringcarer

Can you imagine the rightful outrage if a man claimed his wife didn't love him enough to put the effort into sex?

That's manipulative and coercive language

Shame on you

wsbts · 13/01/2022 14:51

I think that this is the reason why so many marriages, relationships fail but people for obvious reasons are not prepared to admit it. OP I think that you need to tell him that you did not "sign up" for the infrequency of sex as it is at this time and also it not lasting more than a minute. Something has obviously gone drastically wrong and you both need to get to the base of the issue asap.

Good luck and I hope that you can find a way forward. If he does not believe you show him this thread.

HepzibahGreen · 13/01/2022 15:00

Can you imagine the rightful outrage if a man claimed his wife didn't love him enough to put the effort into sex?That's manipulative and coercive language. Shame on you

Don't be so bloody silly. Are you an adult? You must realise that sexual dynamics between men and women are different? And that women's experience of sex is often very different to men's.
If a man thinks that 1 minute of in and out and nowt else is going to be satisfying for a women he doesn't care enough about her to put the effort in!
OP, honestly, he is not being very nice to you about the way you look, and while for me twice a month of GOOD sex is just fine, twice a month with a lazy and mean man who makes me feel ugly would definitely NOT be ok.
Quality, not quantity, plus being caring and thoughtful is the key imo.

SunshineInMyTea · 13/01/2022 15:03

Utterly useless nonsense to me.
Tbh I’m find sex very repulsive.
It just makes me feel disgusting.

As much as I can understand that we are all different, I just can’t put my head in a place where people need it, makes them feel good/love/beautiful(?)/connected.

Never had those happen.

Branleuse · 13/01/2022 15:08

Its very important to me.
If its important to you then you can hardly help that. Hardly unusual to enjoy sex or to want regular sex with your partner.
Him turning it around as your fault is seriously unfair. Hes humiliating you. I cant imagine this getting better. I had a partner like that and it made me so insecure. I too felt hideous and rejected and ashamed. Everyone else seemed tp be moaning about how much sex their husbands wanted. I felt like an ugly perverted freak ( im not)

curmudgeonly007 · 13/01/2022 15:20

If the guy only wants sex a couple of times a month, that’s just where his natural sex drive is sitting, it’s not really on to try and guilt trip him into more sex

Anothernick · 13/01/2022 15:26

@SunshineInMyTea

Utterly useless nonsense to me. Tbh I’m find sex very repulsive. It just makes me feel disgusting.

As much as I can understand that we are all different, I just can’t put my head in a place where people need it, makes them feel good/love/beautiful(?)/connected.

Never had those happen.

I think that's very sad. Sexual fulfillment is one of the greatest joys in life and everyone should try to find it. You will be glad you did.

PacificState · 13/01/2022 15:37

You don't have to answer this OP but I was struck by you saying you'd got a boob enlargement after giving birth. Just wondering if that was something you did entirely for yourself or if you did it because your partner had suggested it or hinted that he preferred bigger breasts.

Your mileage may vary of course but it seems a big (no pun intended!) thing to do directly after giving birth, which is a pretty major event for most women and would probably be the focus of their attention for a while afterwards.

Sunnytwobridges · 13/01/2022 15:56

It's not important to me at all. Well except for my first BF, it was important to me then. But now Like a few other pp's I get more of a connection when I spend time with someone, when we talk, and do things together. For me it's just something to do for my partner to make him happy and satisfy his sexual needs. But if he decided he wasnt interested anymore I'd be ecstatic lol

BellatricksStrange · 13/01/2022 16:29

Without sex you're just roommates. Even good friends. But the difference between marriage (or marriage-y kind of relationship) is the sex.

Holothane · 13/01/2022 16:33

I used to want sex with mine but now not interested we’re just room mates now and just existing I’ve got the ick with him and can’t wait to leave.

Colourmeclear · 13/01/2022 16:55

Yes and no. Sex for us is great fun but it doesn't affect my self esteem if we don't have it nor does it affect the level of intimacy I feel with my partner. I can imagine if things were different then sex would feel much more important and quite possibly be a deal breaker.

If it's affecting your MH would you consider therapy? Just for a safe space to talk to someone about how you feel about sex, how important it is to you and work through the question of whether you are prepared to leave because of the impasse you feel you have reached with your OH?

Sportslady44 · 13/01/2022 18:01

A couple of times a month is alot better than some. To be honest why not pace it and then enjoy it.

Sometimes you can go at it like rabbits then you've overdone it and got bored etc.

coogee · 13/01/2022 18:11

You don't have to answer this OP but I was struck by you saying you'd got a boob enlargement after giving birth.

I read that as her breasts had got bigger as a result of childbirth, not that she had had a boob job.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 13/01/2022 18:16

[quote Robin233]@Cherryfizzzz
If your bf has a bad back can't you go on top - do all the work so to speak?
Men in general , as they age , due to the continuing decrease of testosterone, want less sex, but it's not the same for women. [/quote]
Some men.
However, for these men sex wasn't really a priority, neither was their health.

Back to the op, sex is important in our relationship, so we make it a priority, we both feel extremely close after sex. We gel better after sex, the relationship and life are synchronized during the minutes, hrs and days after.

I couldn't imagine a relationship without sex if everyone was fit and healthy. What's the point.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/01/2022 18:20

I don’t think it matters what happens in others relationships. The key thing is this is important to you.

Personally I couldn’t care less about sex anymore. I’m 41 and have chronic disabilities and my dh also has depression and we have a really stressful life - son with disabilities etc. We have been together for 15 years now and yeah in the beginning had tons of sex but now we can go months with nothing and both of us are fine with that. It just isn’t a priority to us anymore. We are still very affectionate and emotionally close and have a lovely marriage.

If you’re not happy you need to keep communicating and try and find a way forwards.

SunshineInMyTea · 13/01/2022 18:30

@Anothernick

No need to feel sad for me.
And I absolutely won’t be trying to find sexual anything.
Yuck!

Seriously man, why are you always here pushing people to have sex?
Go shag that wife of yours, like you two have agreed to do everyday, let other people live as they see best.

That’s healthy.

coogee · 13/01/2022 18:31

Men in general , as they age , due to the continuing decrease of testosterone, want less

In general maybe. My husband must have missed that memo.

oopsyoudiditagain · 13/01/2022 18:32

@BellatricksStrange

Without sex you're just roommates. Even good friends. But the difference between marriage (or marriage-y kind of relationship) is the sex.

Isin’t this really old fashioned thinking?

ElectraBlue · 13/01/2022 18:35

Some red flags here.

He is blaming you for his lack of interest and telling you you have 'let yourself go'. There is lack of wider emotional connection and you don't seem to be able to communicate with each other.

I don't think sex is the only issue, there seems to be some bigger problems with your relationship and lack of sex is one symptom of that.

Also there is a significant age gap.

Frankly I would not stay with a man who behaves like this. Not just because of the poor sex life but also because of the lack of love and care that his wider behaviour demonstrates....

curmudgeonly007 · 13/01/2022 19:00

@ElectraBlue

Could this be seen as red flag from the OP., not being able to compromise in this big issue, it’s cannot just be her way surely?

“This issue has caused argument for a few months now. We argue, we sort it then within a few weeks it’s back to normal. “

BellatricksStrange · 14/01/2022 04:43

Isin’t this really old fashioned thinking?

I don't know, is it? And what if it is?

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