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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is sex important for you?

55 replies

Whatthefuck3456 · 12/01/2022 20:34

My marriage has been brilliant for 3 years, the last year it’s a complete shit show! My husband and I have had a baby 18 months ago, times have been extremely hard. 12 year age difference! He is happy with sex 2-3 times per month, this for me is not enough, due to lack of intimacy we don’t have that deep connection if you know what I mean. I am craving that intimate connection with my husband.

This issue has caused argument for a few months now. We argue, we sort it then within a few weeks it’s back to normal. I hate it!! I hate the fact he thinks I’m moaning about wanting him to shg me more when it’s not it’s about this connection I long for! The shg is over in less than a minute it takes longer to get undressed. I need more. I feel ugly & so insecure by this.

Fast forward to now and he says I’ve let myself go this is partly the reason why? He said it during an argument about something else. To me I still do all the upkeep of myself, I always have I am just tired from having a baby, job and looking after the house etc. I just needed to vent. I’m so worried is this my life now. Will I regret it if I leave as it’s only sex? But I feel so unhappy that I want more! This is massively effecting my MH. WWYD

OP posts:
sweetcheekweak · 12/01/2022 20:45

Sex isn't a huge factor in mine and DHs relationship

We have matches sex drives and get connection from touch outside of sexual intercourse. We are very cuddly etc.

However if he has gone off sex due to your appearance is this something that could be likely? As if so you need to evaluate whether you sort this out or leave.

If you think he only said it as a deflection to the argument that's another issue.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/01/2022 20:55

Couple of times a month isn’t a lot and I would find that difficult.

However I think the issue is deeper than that. It sounds like you’ve had a communication and intimacy breakdown, plus he sounds like a mean fucker re saying you’ve let yourself go when you haven’t.

I would have a proper chat with him about what is wrong, but you cannot spend the rest of your life like this. If he won’t engage then I wouldn’t force it, but would pull all the financial info, see a solicitor and have a separation plan, then you could give him a final ultimatum to do the work to sort it out - and then leave if not.

sweetcheekweak · 12/01/2022 20:59

@Luredbyapomegranate

Couple of times a month isn’t a lot and I would find that difficult.

However I think the issue is deeper than that. It sounds like you’ve had a communication and intimacy breakdown, plus he sounds like a mean fucker re saying you’ve let yourself go when you haven’t.

I would have a proper chat with him about what is wrong, but you cannot spend the rest of your life like this. If he won’t engage then I wouldn’t force it, but would pull all the financial info, see a solicitor and have a separation plan, then you could give him a final ultimatum to do the work to sort it out - and then leave if not.

The OP thinks she hasn't let herself go

That's not the same as she hasn't let herself go.

How many of the husbands often bemoaned on here for letting themselves go, putting their wives off sex, would think the same?

Original poster
Whatthefuck3456 · 12/01/2022 21:05

I defiantly have not let myself go. I keep on top of my looks, hygiene, gym 5 days a week, breast enlargement since having baby, straight back into my pre pregnancy clothes. I do more now than I ever have on my appearance. Apart from I have little bags and I mean little bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation.

OP posts:
headunderthewater · 12/01/2022 21:10

People are so different.

For me, sex doesn’t mean anything, the ”connection” you mentioned, never expirienced it.

Personally, I would never be in a relationship where I’d have to have sex.
But that doesn’t mean it’s the same for you.
So comparing isin’t going to help.

jeffersonsam · 13/01/2022 05:45

Yes, relationship is very important and you can easily solve this problem by counseling. Another thing, you can share your feelings with your partner. Few couples are doing relationship weekly twice or thrice, So you can open your heart and share your feelings with your partner. Don't take any wrong decision for this matter.

Doona · 13/01/2022 06:14

@Whatthefuck3456

I defiantly have not let myself go. I keep on top of my looks, hygiene, gym 5 days a week, breast enlargement since having baby, straight back into my pre pregnancy clothes. I do more now than I ever have on my appearance. Apart from I have little bags and I mean little bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation.
Why do you feel "ugly and insecure" then?
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/01/2022 06:18

Yes it's important to me
I doubt the reason for his lack of interest is anything to do with how you look, he probably said that to hurt your feelings or get you to stop bringing it up.
Sadly some people do go off sex after a baby both male and female. Perhaps this is him. If he doesn't want to show you affection and intimacy (even without sex) then there is something very wrong.

IWillFindYou · 13/01/2022 06:31

Not at all.
Can’t understand what the fuss is about.

Temple29 · 13/01/2022 06:31

Yes it’s important to me but with a 1 & 2 year old here at the moment our priorities are different. We do date night at home every Saturday when the kids go to bed (dinner/movie and early night) and anything extra during the week is a bonus.

It’s just a different season of life we’re in but can do more together when the babies are more independent.

I don’t know that I would rush to leave in your shoes as your child is still very young so it all might look different down the line.

Oblomov22 · 13/01/2022 06:34

"ugly and insecure"?

Cherryfizzzz · 13/01/2022 06:38

It is important as It holds the relationship together in many ways. I mean everyone has their own drive obviously. For some people twice a month is fine. I know people who do it most days or several times a week.

My last relationship sex was forced and missionary. No foreplay. It was rubbish.

My new boyfriend has given me better sex and done more too me. Plus I really fancied him when we met. But he's got a bad back now and we have not had full sex for a couple of months. Which is depressing because we are in the first year of being together. I've been laying at his alot lately wishing we could do stuff. The other night he came down from his bath and we did other things if you know what I mean rather than full sex. I enjoyed it and because he came onto me it was even nicer.

When you've had kids it can be so hard to relax. I couldn't get into sex at all with the kids around. They were rubbish sleepers and the thought of being interrupted just ruined it for me.

Cherryfizzzz · 13/01/2022 06:39

P.s my boyfriends 14 years older and I do feel perhaps I've made a mistake sometimes due to his age and back problems.

Cherryfizzzz · 13/01/2022 06:41

P.ss let yourself go.. what a pig headed comment..

If someone's not washing or shaving and has greasy hair scraped back and dirty pj's. Fair enough. But you are a busy mum and that sort of comment is abusive and cruel. You are not a toy. He's supposed to love you.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 13/01/2022 06:49

Sex is over in less than a minute?? Why?

Is it porn maybe? And the one-minute-man is death grip related?

He’s saying you’ve let yourself go to keep you busy and occupied with your own insecurities so you don’t bother him with this v real issue!! It doesn’t sound true so don’t allow it headspace.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 13/01/2022 06:55

*The OP thinks she hasn't let herself go

That's not the same as she hasn't let herself go.

How many of the husbands often bemoaned on here for letting themselves go, putting their wives off sex, would think the same?*

I hate shit like this it it just means that any relationship/connection between anyone is puddle deep. Gain a stone and you’re out the door.

Pky45 · 13/01/2022 07:31

Sex is important for different people for different reasons.
Clearly important for you for the emotional connection, but not so much for him.
If the genders were reversed people would be be calling him a sex pest and grim and selfish and only thinking with his dick, and I’m sure someone will be along soon calling him lazy and selfish, (always the man’s fault), but the key sentence is this for me.

We argue, we sort it then within a few weeks it’s back to normal. I hate it!!

It goes back to the normal you want, not the normal he wants, there are 2 people in a relationship, he not your pet, to have sex at your convenience, so this makes you the sex pest.

If you want more sex find leave him and find someone else, as at the moment sounds like both of you are unhappy, your not getting the attention you clearly want, and he is being pressured to have sex he clearly doesn’t want.

Anothernick · 13/01/2022 08:07

Yes sex is very important and as you say it is the physical closeness and feeling that your DP cares about satisfying you in this respect that is as important as the act itself. Lack of sex tends to magnify other problems in a relationship. I think someone who says they do not fancy their DP is out of order under any circumstances and in my experience (I'm a man) male desire is more animalistic than that - if my DW is up for it and I'm horny then I will sh*g her, I don't stop to consider consider how she looks at that moment or whether she has put on weight recently.

Feather12 · 13/01/2022 08:15

He says YOU have let yourself go, yet he is the one who can only get it up twice a month? Absolute prince. Is he the older one in the relationship? I think sex is really important, I could not being doing with someone like him.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:00

@Feather12

He says YOU have let yourself go, yet he is the one who can only get it up twice a month? Absolute prince. Is he the older one in the relationship? I think sex is really important, I could not being doing with someone like him.
Who said he can only get it up twice a month?

He might be perfectly able to sort himself out with external stimulation

Mumof3confused · 13/01/2022 09:19

How does he feel you have let yourself go? It sounds as though you do more than most. What does he think you are, a porn star who is there for his service only?

It sounds like he’s got a really bad attitude to women, you gave birth only 18 months ago and have a little one who takes priority now.

To those who don’t understand why op feels ugly an insecure, you have clearly not been in a relationship where your husband wants almost no sex or suffers from ED. It’s natural to feel rejected and unattractive when society tells us that all men want constant sex. He blames op, and she now naturally blames herself when most likely the problem is something else entirely.

JorisBonson · 13/01/2022 09:39

I don't find it super important. Affection in other ways, having fun together and being a strong, trusting partnership is much more important to me.

I enjoy being close to DH when we have sex, but find our other forms of intimacy much more satisfying.

Pky45 · 13/01/2022 09:46

How on earth have people jumped to the conclusion the man has ED or wants no sex, is beyond me, usual ridiculous comments here

He is happy with sex 2-3 times per month, this for me is not enough, due to lack of intimacy

If the guy only wants sex 2 or 3 times a month that’s fine, that’s all he wants, if the OP wants more sex, that’s also fine as what she wants, relationships are all about comprises, if the 2 cannot agree on an amount for BOTH partners then it’s time to split.

Robin233 · 13/01/2022 09:57

Very important.
I was taught that sex oils the wheels if marriage
And wile sex isn't the be all and end all , I know that when we have regular sex dh seems generally happier.
( I also believe no one should have sex when they don't want to)
That said , if anything is putting your dh off sex it won't be your post baby body, but Arguments and resentment will be a big turn off.
I know it's hard after kids , working , running the house and trying to keep a relationship going, and I know it's hard not get bogged down and start to resent your dh - whose life doesn't seemed to have changed , but you need to make peace with where you are now.
Get plenty of sleep , eat healthy food , exercise which I'm glad to say you're doing - but check you're not over doing it.
I used to do 2 mile walk with toddler in the push chair most days.
So plenty of self love
Take sex out the equation and do everything to make you happy.
You're get a totally different reaction from your dh.
I know it may seem like you're doing all the work , but seeing a happy wife is always the biggest turn on my for my dh.
But this is for you,your happiness.

Robin233 · 13/01/2022 10:02

@Cherryfizzzz
If your bf has a bad back can't you go on top - do all the work so to speak?
Men in general , as they age , due to the continuing decrease of testosterone, want less sex, but it's not the same for women.

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