Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I definitely need a profile dictionary because I've used fun, adventurous and the open-minded icon! I've amended it now :-).

Have you found that matches reply to messages straight away? I'm on Bumble and when I've matched with people, I've sent a message (2-3 lines to say hi) and more than half don't reply back in the designated 24 hours. Why match if you're not going to message?

Is that normal or should I brush up on my intro email?

The outcome is that I usually unmatch them rather than extend the match as I don't want to seem like I can't take a hint that they're not interested.

@Wherearethefish

I think that’s a very common Bumble (and tinder) thing - loads of nice looking matches but very few reply!

I mean when I’m back on the apps I’m predicting out of 20 matches, 14 wont reply, 2 will fizzle out, 2 will turn sexy and creepy, 1 will have something red flag they haven’t mentioned, 1 will actually get to a meet...

(I haven’t done the stats analysis to that detail but I just mean that having low expectations is the way to go - I’d say I’ve got good photos and no red flags on profile but the odds often aren’t that high of a connection so just have to be persistent/thick skinned?

Some threadies have made great connections and I’m sure they’ll all agree there was a lot of swiping and filtering and dead ends to get there!)

I have a tip for the dry January lot. Get large dogs that want to sleep on you in the evening. I'm pinned down; really fancy a glass of wine and some crisps, but I don't want to wake them. So here I am, being accidentally healthy.

@Wherearethefish I find the same. Most of them don't bother to reply.

@ReturnOfTheBunk well analysed! Those figures certainly match my experience 😂

Thanks @ReturnOfTheBunk and @Daydreamscometrue.Those stats seems to tally with my experience and make me feel less rubbish.

It's pretty hard as my (often v.angry but nice to look at Ex), moved on within days of leaving - I suspect there was overlap. He seems to have found someone sweet, pretty and here I am 3 years later finally ready to meet someone and struggling to keep up a conversation online.

But I keep telling myself, all it it takes is one decent person that you really click with.

I love reading the thread, people's advice and experiences - especially the positive stories!

Have you found that matches reply to messages straight away? I'm on Bumble and when I've matched with people, I've sent a message (2-3 lines to say hi) and more than half don't reply back in the designated 24 hours. Why match if you're not going to message?

Are you on the app every day?

I think this might just be an upshot of the way Bumble works, especially if you're a bit on and off with it. A guy (let's call him Joe) might have swiped right on you, and if you've not been on the app every day, it might be a while (days/weeks?) before you then see Joe's profile and likewise swipe right. When you do, you get notified that you've got a match and a 24 deadline, and you send a message to Joe, but by now he's had a really great date with Sheila on Wednesday night and decided not to bother looking at the apps any more. So he doesn't see your lovely message or realise that he's got a match with you.

I don't think that should happen if you're on every day, but there are plenty of other reasons why people might not reply. I know I've sometimes missed the 24 hour deadline just because I've had a really busy/stressful day at work and forgotten that I had a match - I've had a couple that I really kicked myself about because I was excited about and then lost them! And also I think sometimes people just go through phases/moods - one day they're all excited about dating (or horny!) so they swipe right on multiple people in a slightly trigger-happy way, and the next day they feel less enthusiastic so they don't bother to rely to any of the people who've matched. Plus I think some people aren't actually even wanting to chat with people at all (let alone meet/date), they just like swiping through profiles for thrills.

I agree with the others - it's v unlikely to be a reflection on you or your profile - it's just how apps are.

Yeah it sucks because usually I would have little tolerance for sudden illnesses and crappy communication around cancelling etc but it’s hard when Covid is so rife to not give the benefit of the doubt

@PurpleStripyScarf - as it's such early days for me with OLD and I'm not jaded yet, I am so far on it for about 10 mins every day. I haven't had any dates yet though.

I guess people can have second thoughts once you've match, or have had a great date in the interim, or something has come up...I've never thought about those who match for the thrill of it.

Can I get your words of wisdom please guys?

I've been mulling this over for a few days now but haven't been able to figure out if this is a "communicate" thing or "work on yourself" thing.

And despite doing the other activities (Gym was awesome today!! So excited to keep going back!) it's still simmering.

So MrT and I agreed exclusively pretty early on. I also changed his name to MrT when I felt settled enough we were both looking at this as long term.

We're technically only just over 2 months dating, though we got to know each other over a 4 month period after date zero before that (due to life being crazy my end and dipping out of dating, but him staying in touch).

Last time we talked about any kind of "official" label he made it clear that he wants me to meet DD first before that happens. She's a teen. For me, I want to hold off bringing kids into the mix for some time yet, and he agrees with my reasoning - though my kids know I'm dating him (pre teen to nearly adult) and really want to meet him.

I also REALLY struggle with the "boyfriend" / "girlfriend" label. I've not done that since I was 18 and met my LTR abusive ex.

I mentioned a week or so about struggling what to label him as and he said he is "a unique creature that needs no label" 😅 which is fair, but... apparently "pain in my butt" also works (both ways) 😝

My logical mind is thinking that as the opportunity arises, we'll meet friends soon enough and they will label for us? But my irrational mind feels the need to check in and make sure he's still headed that way.

He's talking long term about "oh, this is an obscure friend you need to meet one day!", he chooses to video call me over his previous hobby that filled his time, and ultimately he's stuck through all my insanity...

So I should just chill, right? And accept no official label? Yet it's making me a bit insecure?

@Wherearethefish I also had an ex who moved on within weeks of us splitting, another angry soul. I used to wonder why was I never meeting anyone yet he found love. I have recently met someone after 3.5 years and he's wonderful, so much better than I expected and well worth the wait. It might not work out but has given me faith. Don't lose hope.

Wherearethefish
Have you tried hinge ? I’m two weeks in but I kind of like the men and chat level there
Tinder was , an adventure but really stressed me
Inner circle was weird and a bit quiet
With hinge I’m getting nicer quality
That said I’m not looking for anything serious
I want dates , chat , meet different people and sex
Not husband

InABetterPlaceNow

You should chill , relationships in 2022 post covid
And with life and kids in the mix are complex complex complex
Does he make you happy ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated

InABetterPlaceNow

You should chill , relationships in 2022 post covid
And with life and kids in the mix are complex complex complex
Does he make you happy ?

Thank you! Ok chill sounds good. I mean the way I phrased it should be my answer, listen to the logical part of me.

He makes me absolutely happy. He's very, very good for me. I think that's why part of me wants to "pin him down" - but that would obviously backfire.

All signs are good. And if it falls apart I've still learnt so, so much from the experience.

He sounds really nice
You’d know by now if there was 🚩
He does sound lovely

Honestly , what’s really worrying you that might happen ? Getting heart broken ?

I would say those numbers are probably good, if messaged 20 women, would probably get 0 replies, maybe 1 if I was lucky

@Thisisworsethananticpated

He sounds really nice You’d know by now if there was 🚩 He does sound lovely

Honestly , what’s really worrying you that might happen ? Getting heart broken ?

Haha if you read back my posts a few threads back I saw 🚩 s EVERYWHERE. All worked through and he's a decent guy. No doubt about that now (with obvious caveat that it will be a year+ to truly know each other and I reserve the right to walk away at any time).

Yup, I think heartbreak is the thing. Actually - no. Eureka! Thank you!

I was already aware that I'm way over the feelings line and if we "break up" I'll have grieving to do - which I'm fine with. I'm good at that.

What is ACTUALLY bugging me is that he's taking the piss and will humiliate me. Lulling me into a fall sense of security and will then rip out the rug from under me.

100% trauma driven and he's given no indication of that.

Thank you!! Can go back to just enjoying now 😅😂

#InABetterPlaceNow I don't think you have anything to worry about by the sound of things? You both seem very happy together from what you've described.
@Wherearethefish it just takes one! That's what I tell myself. But the apps can certainly sap the will to live...

Just a quick one - I'm happy as finally steeled myself and gave MrTeacher the goodbye text. I made sure I was clear about the fact his comments about my house and his poor communication and general lack of enthusiasm were a huge turn off. The fact I've never spoken to him on the phone in over 2 months of dating made me feel fine about doing this over text. I feel happy I've spoken up! Onward!

@ihavetogoshoppingnow - you're right - I should give people the benefit of the doubt too - 24 hours is actually not a lot of time to reply when I come to think of it..

@Eesha - I'm sorry to hear about your angry Ex. Not fun is it?
But I am thrilled to hear about your Mr Wonderful!

@Thisisworsethananticpated - no, I haven't tried Hinge yet. I will though. Your experience sounds good. I need to be braver for Tinder!!
To be honest, I am after some good company, friendship, dates and if it develops, that's a bonus.

@InABetterPlaceNow - aw he sounds like he likes you a lot. If he makes you feel comfortable and good about yourself and he is good to you and you click, then all the signs look positive!

@MizK - yes, most things worth having are worth the effort. It just takes one. Well done for saying bye to Mr Teacher if it wasn't working but also giving him specifics so that he could learn from the experience. I'd much prefer that to being ghosted.

@MizK Yup! This is why I'm so grateful for this thread when I have a wobble. Things are going well and I think I'm trying to sabotage!

Well done for speaking your truth to MrTeacher! Sounds like the right call.

@Wherearethefish nope, angry exes who have been in jail aren't great! I'm just looking for peace and feels like I've found it.

@Wherearethefish Thank you! Gonna take a chill pill 🥶

@MizK definitely right to say bye to the bozo

What is ACTUALLY bugging me is that he's taking the piss and will humiliate me. Lulling me into a fall sense of security and will then rip out the rug from under me

Where do you think that comes from? I’m not therapising you , but getting hurt is as very rational fear and we all get it when we pen our hearts

But that wording is very clear , and doesn’t sound like how you have described him
Also humiliate ?
Anyway heavy , be happy 😊 x