Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I would say ‘Fun’ = move along to sex pretty quickly, if that that’s what you after, go for it

I do sometimes feel like I need a dating translation dictionary so that I don't inadvertently imply something that I don't mean eg "fun" = wants sex quickly; "open-minded" = kinky

So if you had “open- minded and looking for fun”

I’m sure you would get lots of messages, but not necessarily ones you want?

Ha yeah open minded is pretty much putting it all out there.

There seem to be a great number of men in my new area on Bumble proudly announcing themselves as 'non vanilla'. Is it the new thing to be so open about this? Obv no shame in it as long as all consensual but in my last city where I knew more people, I have seen colleagues, managers and all sorts of people I know online! I'd be morto about them knowing my preferences!

‘Non vanilla’
Blimey now you need an ice cream flavour translation dictionary as well

If someone says they are Rum N Raisin + Mint choc chip but not Neapolitan, what would that mean?

Do you need some condoms or a full latex outfit?

Non vanilla seems to cover so many options ... I've also found it slightly hilarious / off putting when guys are straight in there with their kinks and actually it's something fairly run of the mill. Or worse. Some guy had on his profile 'would you like to be used like a rag doll'. Er actually no, I don't want to fulfill your rape and femicide fantasy 🤢

My other mistake in my profile was to be out 'adventurous' and 'outdoorsy' ... this is when I realised that the shorter the profile the less room for error!

I’m adventurous and outdoorsy,
Just means I fall off my MTB a lot while outside and has no bearing on my sexual preferences 😟

I made all these errors in my profile at the start. I also put in that I was financially independent, thinking about it I don’t know why! An orderly queue of cocklodgers and single dads formed…

I had my first restaurant meal without alcohol last night, no issues at all snd I was delighted at how much cheaper the bill was! The only problem I’m having is that none of my oldest friends want to see me/come to stay when I’m not drinking. Eh???

Wait - what does "outdoorsy" mean?! Does it mean "likes to do it in a birdwatching hut"? I'd always taken outdoorsy at face value...

[quote curmudgeonly007]@WeWantTheFinestWines
Not really my place to comment, but if your not really feeling it don’t have sex to quickly, (this is coming from someone who has a penis), as moves along quite a lot and sex becomes an expectation and it’s hard (impossible) to row back from that, as others say do more “day stuff “, sounds a bit like he likes you more than you like him at the moment[/quote]

It is absolutely your place to comment on my dating conundrums on this dating website - a man's perspective is always appreciated. Day stuff less of an option as he's now doing up his house or working during the day, and I'm working or with the DC. Also, where we live, all you can do is walk. And we've done that. I find connection through physical closeness and time very focused on one another, not so much negotiating a muddy puddle and finding out each other's opinion of jazz 😐 But I must beware not to use him for sex as he does seem to like me on a number of levels and I want a proper RS as well, not a FWB.

If people write "I like ice cream, but not vanilla" it means they are kinky. Or "I went to the supermarket for ice cream but they only had vanilla" etc.

Having said that, some people think woman on top is kinky.....

Others think strangling people until they die is kinky.

I'm also a bit wary now of very outdoorsy people - I like walking but don't want to hang out with a hippy who lives on a houseboat.

[quote Stepcount]@WeWantTheFinestWines, based on your meetings and conversations so far do you think you are both expecting/hoping to have sex sooner rather than later? I can be a bit ‘ oh feck it’ and commit myself to something like you are suggesting- well in the past I have. I think invite him as long as you are as sure as you can be that if one of you isn’t feeling it by the evening then going home or spare room is an acceptable back up.[/quote]

Sex has been discussed and it would be on the cards. But I would make it clear beforehand that he would sleep in the spare room unless we're both up for it.

Had a FaceTime ‘date’ with the one OLD bloke that I was messaging. Totally put me off and I am back looking for something better on the apps. He was nice enough but not as good looking as his photos would have you believe but the worst thing was that he took the call lying in bed with his top off!

@PurpleStripyScarf

Wait - what does "outdoorsy" mean?! Does it mean "likes to do it in a birdwatching hut"? I'd always taken outdoorsy at face value...

Me too! Not keen on the birdwatching hut scenario, but quite like a brisk, non-sexual walk.

@PurpleStripyScarf

Wait - what does "outdoorsy" mean?! Does it mean "likes to do it in a birdwatching hut"? I'd always taken outdoorsy at face value...

👍🏼

@Knutface

Had a FaceTime ‘date’ with the one OLD bloke that I was messaging. Totally put me off and I am back looking for something better on the apps. He was nice enough but not as good looking as his photos would have you believe but the worst thing was that he took the call lying in bed with his top off!

🤮

@PurpleStripyScarf

Wait - what does "outdoorsy" mean?! Does it mean "likes to do it in a birdwatching hut"? I'd always taken outdoorsy at face value...

I’ve done it in a tent before (on a normal campsite, not halfway Mount Kilimanjaro or anything daft like that), not sure that counts ? Never done it “outside”, would always be a worrying getting some kinda rash, the last thing I would want is to be applying Savlon over my testicles

@Knutface

Had a FaceTime ‘date’ with the one OLD bloke that I was messaging. Totally put me off and I am back looking for something better on the apps. He was nice enough but not as good looking as his photos would have you believe but the worst thing was that he took the call lying in bed with his top off!

mental note, must put on shirt before zoom call

Outdoorsy is hard! (not in THAT way, you dirty horrid people )

I guess it's hard to interpret - does the person want someone committed to planning and sharing weekends bagging Munroes or planning treks in the Peak District, or is it more "I don't mind going for a walk on the beach with a pub visit".

I'm not a couch potato and can "be active when it counts", but also I struggle doing the really really hard walks as it tends to tire me out and "take away from my week"?

It's for that reason I'm kind of sometimes reticent to put detailed interests on my profile - realistically if I fancy someone and get on with them, the shared interests don't matter?

If I put on my profile I love arts and culture, then it might make someone think I "need to do all this with a date".

But actually if I made that my "pre-condition" I'd lose a lot of guys who are attractive to me, so that's not an essential.

@Knutface he must have thought this would seal the deal for a date zero!😂

@Knutface clearly he thought having his top off would mean you were instantly won over by his charms Tbh I would find it disrespectful if any guy did that to me, no matter how chiselled he might be.

Hey waves I’ve been on and off the thread a few times over the years but finally decided to dip my toe back in properly dating this year after a long break. Is anyone else struggling with the ‘Covid cancelling’ of dates I’ve had at least 5 in the past few weeks the latest being today for tonight’s date and I’m sure some were genuine and I know it’s the situation we’re living in but it’s so bloody frustrating

@ihavetogoshoppingnow I've had a couple cancel for covid reasons too. It's disappointing when it's on the same day though.

@VanGoghsDog
Love women on top, which flavour would that be ?

@ihavetogoshoppingnow

I wasn’t dating after the Omicron was announced

but socially I did find people were cancelling as Omicron is so fast-spreading

and even if they weren’t worried about problems with themselves, they didn’t want to have to self-isolate and miss out on Xmas and new year plans with family and granny or take time off work 🤷‍♀️

I also think there’s a lot of flakiness in general early communication on the apps, even without Omicron.

Not really sure there’s a foolproof way to get round it - my strategy is to try to get the date zeros in sooner and not “go out of my way” but just check in a few hours before so I know it’s on.

But it is frustrating so I feel for you - please remember it’s nothing personal at all, nothing to do with how attractive you are, and don’t drop your standards and preferences!