Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I've got a guy on Feeld asking me for no strings sex

May I ask , how to do that and feel safe ?
How do people safety risk assess for this , the ones that do it ?
I’m tempted but - chicken shit ! as safety and mental health risks
Is there any way to minimise that ?

From my brief foray on fabswingers it seemed to be de rigeur to have a non-sex first meet just to check each other out and know if there was any attraction.

@curmudgeonly007

Why not communicate about what you want rather than second-guessing what she wants?

If you want more friendship and chat and less “sex date” then you can ask, you might not get but at least you’ve communicated.

I can definitely see where you’re coming from - if you’re barely in touch then expected to get straight into intimacy with no build-up or friendship or trust it’s a bit weird and uncomfortable!

Just fell into watching Couples Therapy on iplayer. Apart from why would you let your relationship troubles be broadcast, why would you be in a relationship ever?! They look like awful things to be stuck in...😆

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@BelladiMamma that's really interesting about the age gaps in your family! Do you have any idea how those relationships came about (if you don't mind sharing)? It's really surprising to hear about a younger man and older woman together.[/quote]
My mum and stepdad met through friends. They're both (lapsed) catholics and Irish heritage plus had lots of other things in common. He's also 'old acting' and my mother is obvs a total glamour puss. They look the same age now and if anything my mum looks better than him.

With my uncle it was a work colleague. He's a really lovely kind sensitive and fun guy, so you don't really see the age difference much either in terms of behaviour. His wife is quite shy and enjoys his sociability I think.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I really like Gossard Glossies for my everyday underwear but occasionally splurge at Agent P/Myla/Coco de Mer.

@BelladiMamma yes it’s a whole other world and interesting to observe. I work closely with academics in an “I’m the client, deliver me a project” way and quite enjoy that side of it rather than the “I’m in a relationship with one, now I have to sit here and listen to him talk about his latest published paper for 40 minutes” kind of way 😝

I did ask MrM at our last dinner if he’d ever ‘gone there’ with a student and was relieved, although not surprised, to hear the answer was no.

I think your tastes are even more expensive than mine 🤪

Tbf, I am generally thinking, this could get ripped off me so I don't want anything super pricey. My ex used to buy me silk underwear and stuff from Rigby and Peller and tbh I was always worried about doing it some damage as I knew how much he'd spent on it

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I've got a guy on Feeld asking me for no strings sex

May I ask , how to do that and feel safe ?
How do people safety risk assess for this , the ones that do it ?
I’m tempted but - chicken shit ! as safety and mental health risks
Is there any way to minimise that ?

I'm not sure how I can advise anyone else how to feel.

I don't understand the mental health risks - that's never affected me.

I used to meet guys for sex about ten years ago. I'd meet them in the local pub, decide if I wanted to shag them, bring them home, shag them, send them away. It didn't affect my mental health and I never had any safety issues.

There were a few I just didn't want to so sent them away. But there wasn't a single one who turned me down.

I didn't ever really get to know them and while we'd meet on the pub it was only a drink or two, never food. And never more than one meet before taking them home.

And never more than three meet ups in total, no overnights, no dates.

But that was ten years ago and I don't do it now. The guy on Feeld asking for sex is out of step, my profile doesn't say that's what I'm looking for. I told him he sounded like he wanted a free sex worker.

@Thisisworsethananticpated *
May I ask , how to do that and feel safe ?
How do people safety risk assess for this , the ones that do it ? I’m tempted but - chicken shit ! as safety and mental health risks. Is there any way to minimise that*

I spent 18 months having casual sex with men after my marriage ended as I didn't want a relationship.

I was on traditional dating sites 'looking for fun' and then after a yesr or so joined fabswingers.
I would chat with them for a while to get a feel for who they were, if I liked them I would do a 'social' meet and that would then either lead to sex or sometimes it wouldn't.
I would only go to theirs or a hotel room, I never had anyone to my house.
I had 2 friends who knew what I was doing,I would check in with them every hour and if I went back to someones house I gave them the address.
Occasionally I would go straight to their house (with no social meet) but that is dangerous and stupid and no one should do that (although I met Mr K this way and we're now over 2 years in).

In all my time doing this I never felt scared or unsafe in anyones home, not sure if I was just lucky or had filtered out the weirdos by chat early on.

In terms of mental health risks do you mean feeling used/getting attached etc?
I can seperate sex from emotions so for me its very easy, I do like a connection of sorts for an FWB but we were never more than friends. It helps that I'm emotionally unavailable 😂
In terms of being used, I never felt that, I always wanted the sex and if anything the men ended up used as sometimes I'd just discard them after the first sex meet.

Happy to answer any other questions you have.

@ReturnOfTheBunk
I have kinda asked her this in the past, we have known each other for 10+ years so think she is quite comfortable in my company, and she likes sex a lot, so I think she is using our pre-existing friendship to address her sex drive,
I’m not really sure how to address this as I want to keep the friendship going and drive that forward,

@VanGoghsDog and @SortingItOut I’m really interested in this topic too. I feel I would much prefer going to their place rather than mine, but have always worried about the safety aspect- it’s really hard to weigh up which is safer as I don’t like the thought of people knowing where I live! Did you have any bad experiences, or did you find that you were able to find what you wanted quite easily?

[quote Gettingonwithit12]**@VanGoghsDog* and @SortingItOut* I’m really interested in this topic too. I feel I would much prefer going to their place rather than mine, but have always worried about the safety aspect- it’s really hard to weigh up which is safer as I don’t like the thought of people knowing where I live! Did you have any bad experiences, or did you find that you were able to find what you wanted quite easily?[/quote]
It's very easy to find men to have sex with you. I had loads over a few years.

The other only "bad" experience I had was someone who said he didn't smoke who clearly did (I can't bear the smell so can smell it very easily).

I've had more bad experiences from regular dating to be honest!

I did casual for a year. I made it very clear that on the first meet there would be no sex but if they passed the test there would be sex on the second date. Sex happened at my place, my neighbour was in the know and my dogs were here. I never had any concerns whatsoever and in fact had an absolute ball. Maybe because I was mid 50s at that point I fully trusted my own judgement of their character?

This is all sounding rather tempting! Tbh I’m sick of being messed around with regular dating and something casual might be the way to go.

Am I on the reverse end of this ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated

curmudgeonly007 Fuck knows mate ! I suppose I’m horny , have intimacy issues and the thought of a relationship is overwhelming . Especially with my kids who don’t get enough attention as it is

I felt this way - the main thing putting me off seeking no strings stuff is the amount of fecking legwork you have to put in to get to the point of meeting decent people. I think it’s why I tend to chat to just one or two people and can’t / struggle to multi date. I work full time in a demanding job, am a single parent, was commuting… I don’t have much available bandwidth!

Last time I rejigged my profile I stated I was looking for something like fun/adventure/friendship, and also used OKCupid which focuses a lot on sexual preferences/kinks in terms of profile questions. I found it infinitely more fruitful in terms of connecting with sex-positive guys looking for similar.

@curmudgeonly007

Am I on the reverse end of this ?

I’d try to talk to her - it sounds a bit miserable and as though the friendship side is taking a back seat to occasional sex - which would be fine if you didn’t already have 10 years shared history between you as friends. I think I’d really struggle with that.

@curmudgeonly007

Am I on the reverse end of this ?

Presumably you're a participant in this relationship and you have agency. You're making it sound as if we force poor unsuspecting men to sleep with us, which is rather objectionable.

@VanGoghsDog
I’m not saying that in the slightest, please stop putting words in my mouth

Interesting, @BelladiMamma. Thanks for sharing!

I'm utterly amazed by the number of women here who can have NSA sex with no emotional impact! And a bit envious.

I had a few dates with a guy whom I considered trying to transition into an FWB due to not thinking he was relationship material...but annoyingly, I don't want to have sex with a guy unless I want a relationship. Maybe it would still be worth a try as an experiment. (He was odd in that he said he wanted to date casually - to me code for mostly for sex - but he kept arranging dates that had no hope of resulting in sex due to timing etc)

[quote curmudgeonly007]@VanGoghsDog
I’m not saying that in the slightest, please stop putting words in my mouth[/quote]
"you make it sound like" is clearly not putting words in your mouth.

Arrghhhh I have an update and it’s not good!

Date 3 with gulag man (for those who didn’t see my first post this is a silly nickname based on a joke we had when we started chatting). Anyway, just to recap, he’s only a few months out of an LTR and I made it clear to him that someone not over their ex or the end of their relationship was not someone I’d be rushing to get involved with, I was happy to keep chatting and hanging out but I didn’t consider him relationship potential and wouldn’t be rushing into things. I thought I’d been very clear about that. Anyway.

Tonight we met for the third date, but communication had been trailing off in between meetings so I already had a feeling it was fizzling out. I potentially would’ve been up for some casual fun, we kissed on the last date and there was chemistry (but he also called my dog ugly which lost him a few points!)

Tonight the conversation seemed to be flowing, slightly flirty, fun, easy… then suddenly he comes out with: ‘I just thought I should let you know I don’t think I can see us having a relationship’. I was a bit blindsided - it was date 3, we barely know each other, we’d already discussed the fact that he wasn’t over his ex was a big stumbling block, and I’d also said that personally I’d need to date someone for a good few months before thinking about anything more serious. I was really weirded out he was even bringing it up and said as much - it hadn’t even crossed my mind that it was something we’d need to discuss.

Things just got really awkward, he then said he wasn’t as over his ex/relationship as he thought he might be (yeah, no shit) and kept apologising for making things weird, and I said it was best if we both went home. The stupid thing is, if he hadn’t made things so weird, I might’ve been up for sleeping with him! His loss!

Ah well, I have date 2 with the classical musician/choirboy tomorrow. He seems pleasant and uncomplicated but he’s very posh whereas I’m from a working class background and covered in tattoos so I can’t help but wonder about longer term compatibility!

@TedMullins that's so disappointing! What a mess that man seems to be

Yeah, I think I had a lucky escape tbh. Far too complicated

@Gettingonwithit12 As Gogh says its really easy to find men to have sex with, I could have easily met 10x the men I did.
There are definitely more men than women looking for casual sex.

No bad experiences in terms of safety.

Ideally I wanted FWBs and at one point I had 5 FWBs and a few FBs.
I had 1 main FWB who I saw twice a week and the rest I saw either weekly/fortnightly/monthly. It wss avery busy time🙈

I would still be doing casual now if one of the FWBs hadn't become my boyfriend.
I was very against a relationship when I came out of my marriage although what I have with Mr K is a relationship its not a traditional relationship as others see them.
We have no plans to live together, get married, merge finances or for me to be involved with his son.

I know Belladi has met someone who was only supposed to be casual and is now in a relationship. There have been others on this thread who have done the same.
Not that I would suggest looking for casual in the hope it becomes permanent.

Lovely evening with MsCycling yesterday. She came over to mine while my DD was at her friends. Just got a takeaway and spent the evening chatting and smooching on the sofa......felt like I'd gone back to my teenage years!!

Having a call with my ex today to discuss her having DD on a weekend. Going to propose alternate weekends. No idea how to chat to DD about it. I don't want her to think I don't want her here but I also want some time where I can do my own thing. It's so difficult

Thanks to the many many posts around casual
You lot are fantastic !
I need to unpick my thoughts around this

On a basic level I do want sex
I know that because when people post romance updates I’m not envious
But when they post sex updates I am

The fact that’s how I discern what I want , is concerning me !!!!