Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

yellow it's just weird talking about someone else that much to a total stranger - I would assume there was more going on.

Yeah feels that way.

In fact, my gut feeling isn't so much that I definitely think they're shagging or anything. It would be bloody brazen if they were. Perhaps there is some tension there or something though hence the regular mentions.

Predominantly, it just feels kind of studenty and as though he's not ready for a proper relationship and family etc. If I stay exclusive with him, I won't be meeting anyone who is.

If I do tell him I want to leave things, do you think best to just say it's the distance/ availability rather than mentioning the friend? I'm aware it could sound a bit bunny boiler after only a few dates.

@Yellowhighheels

If I do tell him I want to leave things, do you think best to just say it's the distance/ availability rather than mentioning the friend? I'm aware it could sound a bit bunny boiler after only a few dates.

I wouldn't give any reason other than "not working for me".

@Yellowhighheels seems too much drama to me. I went on a date with someone who lived with his ex and I used to feel weird about them watching movies together etc. Perfectly fine but I kept wondering what their actual dynamics were. Here it sounds a bit like he's forewarning you not to ask questions about their relationship

How's everyone's weekend looking? We are still dealing with covid do nothing but movies this weekend for us. Thankfully just a cold type thing for me but nothing for everyone else so far.

I've got the weekend planned out playing 'dad's taxi' starting this morning at 7.45

Will try and nip into a supermarket between drops and pick ups

Exciting eh! really could with DD1 passing her driving test, theory is done, test booked but not until May

@Yellowhighheels is the woman very young? Why can she not bear to be on her own as her housemate's away for a few weeks. Sounds very odd if they’re just colleagues.

@Eesha

How's everyone's weekend looking? We are still dealing with covid do nothing but movies this weekend for us. Thankfully just a cold type thing for me but nothing for everyone else so far.

Great that you didn’t get it - I managed the same when my DC came down with it too.

Weekend taxi service starting soon here too - also have no roof on part of my house so it’s a day of builders here as they put a new one on! Also getting new boiler fitted… oh the joys! In between all that though I’ve managed to sneak in a massage appointment so that’s a little something.

Had an anxious day again yesterday after seeming to have had a much better week with it. 🙄

love that they think ‘no creeps’ will actually deter any creeps

@Yellowhighheels

If I do tell him I want to leave things, do you think best to just say it's the distance/ availability rather than mentioning the friend? I'm aware it could sound a bit bunny boiler after only a few dates.

Agree with the others - weirdest thing being her not able to cope on her own - sounds very immature.

No need to go into detail - if you’re not feeling it you’re not feeling it.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs maybe your anxiety was set off because of the building works and general disruption.. sounds mega stressful!

@curmudgeonly007

More fertile. That's biology rather than social construct.

So why is male height a social construct and not biology?
Surely on some level, a women would be looking for the tallest / strongest / best male as a potential mate ?

I think someone mentioned before there’s a hell of a lot of social pressure on women to be a certain size and shape, and it can feel awkward to feel bigger than your partner as a woman. I’m 5’8 and a size 14 and my preference is for tall men (although my exH was 5’9, I’m certainly not prescriptive about it).

But I think it’s harsh to think that women are being somehow dictatorial about these things for some sort of social vanity and that men are the poor victims - were all trapped in the same machinery!

Morning all. Having been dragged out of bed at 5.30 and then again at 7 by the dogs I'm looking after, I'm reminded of having small children and how I don't miss being dragged out of bed by excited and attention seeking beings. My weekend will consist of dog walks, dog cuddles and being stalked by chickens.

My house sit has been a period of solitude, which has made me miss human company at times. Which has made me think about Mr Favourite Place. I'm at risk of forgetting that I don't fancy him and we had said we'd chat after a few days. Which is round about now. So I have to be careful not to feel lonely and needy and suggest a date, but remember that I actually only want to be friends at this point.

Can't really go back on the apps until I'm in a position to meet up with someone, which I won't be able to do until March. I'm back in my house Tuesday night and looking forward to seeing the DC who I miss. And they're teenage boys so only get in touch when they can't find something so I'm feeling very separated from them.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs no I tested positive mid week but no real symptoms other than a blocked nose. I'm going to retest everyone this weekend for school purposes. I'm due to see Mr Music next weekend (hence the outfits on the other thread) so I'm really hoping I test negative as it will then be another few weeks!

I'm 5ft 6 and size 14/16 and I've much preferred stronger, fitter looking men as otherwise I've felt like an elephant next to them. Height is less of an issue to me.

Re height, I'm guilty of liking tall men too. I had a fling with someone who was my height - about 5'6" and a bit - and I hated that this bothered me. But it did. My DC are 6'2" and 6'5" and ex is a 6'1" ex-rugby player so I'm used to feeling small (and I hate to say it, but protected) so if I'm similar size and height to a man it feels weird. And it's so unfair to judge a person by something they have no control over. And shallow. But the societal and cultural preference is strong.

I know someone who, after her divorce, spent a few years OLD with no luck. Her requirements were tall and not wearing brown shoes. She only went and met a lovely tall bloke in a local bar and they now live together. I've never seen him wear brown shoes.

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@Yellowhighheels is the woman very young? Why can she not bear to be on her own as her housemate's away for a few weeks. Sounds very odd if they’re just colleagues.[/quote]
Thanks all, yeah I can't understand it myself. When I shared I would have loved the space, or at least got on with it. They don't live in a rough area or anything.

I don't know her age but she is a PhD and he's an academic (don't think he supervises her) and they live on campus so it does feel a bit like they're still living like undergrads, or he is at least. I'm not sure how much he cares to leave that cosy world to settle down and have a family etc even though he has said he does.

I don't mean any offence to academics, not saying most are like that. He just seems stuck at that studenty life stage a bit despite being very smart and having a good job. Not sure he's ever lived anywhere that's not either home or uni accommodation.

think someone mentioned before there’s a hell of a lot of social pressure on women to be a certain size and shape, and it can feel awkward to feel bigger than your partner as a woman

I agree with this, it's both men and women who select for certain features, not just women going for big blokes. That said, men's preferences vary a bit more perhaps whereas a lot of women go for tall men.

I'm a 5'6 and a 12-14 so not hugely tall but definitely broad and big boned. I just feel disproportionately huge next to a smaller man. I've had so much criticism about my build and weight over the years, especially from my parents and first boyfriend who was only a couple of inches taller that I am really quite conscious about this. I decided to try and push back against these preferences and dated a 5'7" guy before Christmas (he was very nice but looked strikingly like a well known serial killer!). He said, after a few drinks, 'you're gorgeous and I'd love to see you again, even if you are bigger than me'. I thought right, that's how men see it, then, back to taller guys!

@Yellowhighheels

think someone mentioned before there’s a hell of a lot of social pressure on women to be a certain size and shape, and it can feel awkward to feel bigger than your partner as a woman

I agree with this, it's both men and women who select for certain features, not just women going for big blokes. That said, men's preferences vary a bit more perhaps whereas a lot of women go for tall men.

I'm a 5'6 and a 12-14 so not hugely tall but definitely broad and big boned. I just feel disproportionately huge next to a smaller man. I've had so much criticism about my build and weight over the years, especially from my parents and first boyfriend who was only a couple of inches taller that I am really quite conscious about this. I decided to try and push back against these preferences and dated a 5'7" guy before Christmas (he was very nice but looked strikingly like a well known serial killer!). He said, after a few drinks, 'you're gorgeous and I'd love to see you again, even if you are bigger than me'. I thought right, that's how men see it, then, back to taller guys!

“Even if you are bigger than me”…. Great, thanks for that! 😆

@Yellowhighheels my iron is an academic and he definitely has tendencies along those lines. He owns his own house (that is a tick for me, at our age) but there are definite “still living my life like I’m still 32” aspects to his lifestyle. I love much of what comes with that - he’s super fit and adventurous and we’ve had incredible fun together so far - but can see that there’s a very interconnected set up between all the academics/postgrads/PhD students that’s quite different to a normal workplace.

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@ibelieveinmirrorballs maybe your anxiety was set off because of the building works and general disruption.. sounds mega stressful![/quote]
Yes it’s definitely being ramped up by the building work - work is also full on. I also think after a few days post MrM weekend I start to miss him, which makes me feel vulnerable, which I’m not very good at. We don’t tend to do soppy “missing you” comms and I start to want to say that, but also really don’t want to

I'm going to amend my earlier statement. Men my own age don't match with me, only men about 5 years older. They aren't *that" much older but they do look old.

I actually look young for my age so the comparison is jarring. But also, I think I feel frightened of this? I'm not sure why. It's intimidating somehow and feels wrong. This is quite a pickle!

@Eesha

How's everyone's weekend looking? We are still dealing with covid do nothing but movies this weekend for us. Thankfully just a cold type thing for me but nothing for everyone else so far.

Ducking and diving and trying to fit in meets with MrD in between our kids' activities. Managed one already last night ... need to get some sleep now 😈🤪

@Eesha

How's everyone's weekend looking? We are still dealing with covid do nothing but movies this weekend for us. Thankfully just a cold type thing for me but nothing for everyone else so far.

How much longer do you have left in iso?

@BelladiMamma I really don't understand the rules so one of my children tested positive on Monday morning, so I'm guessing today and Sunday are testing dates. I tested positive on Wed though could have had it earlier but didn't test. Other child tested positive Wed too. So can I just test them both this weekend in the hope they can both get back to school Monday. Or do I test according to this 5/6 day rule and send them at different times. Arghhhhhhhh!