Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I was going to text overseas obsession on his birthday 🥳
Now I’m like why bother 🙈

And I’m still eating

This is hard work 😓😀

, it’s weird, on paper you really seem like a good match.

I met the lady in a Costa, looking out the window I could almost see the tumbleweeds blowing by like an old cowboy film.
Oh well, she bought me a Bakewell tart, you have to take the little victories sometimes.

@Thisisworsethananticpated what happened with that? Did it just fizzle out?

@Thisisworsethananticpated
I can’t believe you still have mince pies left, I would have scoffed all those by now,
Love a mince pie 🥧

@curmudgeonly007

It’s fascinating how there is something about attraction/compatibility that we can only understand with face to face contact, and even an exciting video call is sometimes no indicator of how things will go.

I was chatting to someone last year, ( chatted too long tbh), similar ages, backgrounds, educational levels, outlooks on life, job levels, etc, all really positive, with 10 minutes of meeting we both knew there was just nothing, no attraction from either sides at all.
That was a real low point, as I’d really build it up in my head, very disappointed in that one (not her fault)

You really learn something from those experiences though - I’ve done the same and now definitely NEVER assume there’ll be an attraction before meeting.

Ref iron the pants comment… yes a sort of prissiness. One particular guy told me he used packing tissue when packing his suitcase. Packing tissue? I want a man to not even know what packing tissue is ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️ 😬

I wish I could understand the attraction thing too, all my previous relationships have been friends (that I didn’t fancy) until suddenly they weren’t so I tend to struggle with old in that sense of slow burn but also only seem to be straight away attracted to dickheads

gelatodipistacchio
We ‘split up’ on new year day (overseas)
It was driving me totally insane and wasn’t good for my mental health
I came off this thread as I was embarrassed by it !!!!
I got total limerence for that dude

Hence my ‘got to get under one to get over one ‘ approach

It’s helping , my obsession with him is down a good 60%

curmudgeonly007

They were only 10p !!!! Best 10p I’ve ever
Spent

@Eesha I’m finding it interesting to read about your chats with Mr Music as MrT is very similar. He’s also very insightful and it can be disarming.

I’m totally with you on the joking side. However, is it truly that you’re avoiding the serious stuff? For me, it’s absolutely needed when talking about the heavier stuff - I refer to it as “coming up for air”. Would it help to catch yourself when you’re doing it and say “it’s not that I’m not taking things seriously, I just need a moment of lightness because this is really important to me but I’m finding it hard to sit with the heavy feelings right now”. Phased better of course!!

MrT also uses humor so we both come up for air a lot in tricky conversations. The thing he called me out for was “defensive statements” - ie. if I say something that refers to me falling for him or feeling close to him, I’ll follow up with something that pushes him away (such as “I really like you too, and I could see us working well… I reckon we at least have a couple more months together“ 😅). When he first pointed it out it was quite a big revelation for me (I also enjoy the mirror!). I’ve continued to do it, but caught myself and done similar to the above - not apologising because I think it’s valid that I feel the need to do it, but owning it as something I need for the moment if that makes sense? And gradually I need to do it less.

We could also quite easily have 3 hour video calls daily - over the holiday period when he had Covid and I didn’t have school runs I think our record was 13 days worth 😅 I hope you’re allowing a bit of space too though? We settled back down to 2 times a week once life returned to normal, though after our blip last weekend we’ve spoke every night until last night as I think we needed it to just laugh together and put it behind us (and schedules haven’t allowed for a face to face). I enjoyed the space again last night as we’re back to being in a pretty good place. Plus we have our first overnight planned this weekend so I’ll see plenty of him them 😂

I hope some of my thoughts are helpful!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
Well I ‘know’ what packing tissue is, it’s that stuff you wrap your fragile things in when you move house (I think), maybe he had detachable testicles and packed them away for safe keeping when not in use ?

I do a lot of touring on my bike, so just tends to be socks, pants & tee shirt shoved in a roll sack for me !, no packing tissue here

It is really interesting. I’ve also had experiences where someone seemed great on paper but then I met them and there was no spark at all. I don’t expect or build up anything in my head til there’s been an IRL meeting.

I’m the opposite of slow burn though - I’ve never had a friend I didn’t fancy who I then grew to fancy over time. Everyone I’ve dated I’ve fancied at the first meeting. I have friends who have had the slow burn and really encouraged me to give someone a go if they ticked boxes but I didn’t immediately fancy them, so last year I did just that. Lovely guy - similar outlook on life, ideologically matched, funny, reliable, generous - and six months in I was repulsed by the thought of him touching me. The attraction didn’t grow whatsoever. He was probably one of the nicest people I’ve ever dated, if a little dull, but the fact I hadn’t immediately fancied him just seemed to grow and grow until I felt I actively disliked him. So I’m sticking with my approach of having to feel a physical attraction on the first date, because I’m sure that if I don’t I won’t develop one. That’s just how it works for me.

[quote curmudgeonly007]@Thisisworsethananticpated
I can’t believe you still have mince pies left, I would have scoffed all those by now,
Love a mince pie 🥧[/quote]
I've got five left, one a day after lunch, so will see me into next week.

I'm dieting but doing that thing where you eat in an eight hour window, 12pm to 8pm for me. I think the sixteen hour fast works but I've worked out that despite eating a mince pie and a few chocs I probably eat about five hundred cals less from not having breakfast or late evening "snacks"!

I'm simultaneously trying to eat the freezer as it's got over full, reduce my grocery spend (was getting ridiculous at £80-£100pw for one person) to c£40pw (doing fine with this so far but mainly because I'm eating stuff from the freezer, I'm keeping track of what I take out so I can work out what I would have spent) and eat more healthily. And swim 3x a week (stymied this week as it's shut for a few days) and walk once a week. I'll add in one gym trip next week.

@InABetterPlaceNow yes I think you and I are really similar in that respect. I do exactly the same thing, like I say "IF WE LAST, then Xyz". That i agree is a bit hurtful for the other person even if it's a bit of a defence mechanism for me. Mr Music has done a lot of work on himself so I'd consider him super insightful and 'deep' but also is very sensitive given his personal background so I feel I need to be more mindful of this. That said I agree with you in that some humour is needed at times and those skills are also appreciated eg rather than deep intense chats about stuff all the time.

We sortof fell into regular chats from the start after my children went to sleep. So it may be heavy texting in the afternoon then 3hrs at night. The way I see it is we chat for a bit like any couple then see where things go in the evenings. We see each other fortnightly but we were spoilt over Christmas as had a few chunks of 3 days together. I actually love the chats and I think my feelings would wane without them if I'm honest.

So mr late night date has popped up with a general morning how are you message after not speaking to me all of yesterday after I said no to sex dates and made it clear I wasn’t impressed

@Eesha

I actually remember my very first Internet date, chatted way too long and on the morning, he said he had told his boss he might be meeting 'the one'. It suddenly dawned on me that there may not he an attraction and I panicked. Lo and behold, I didn't fancy him and I learnt a big lesson!

@ButterflyOfShay yes it's crazy isn't it, ius been 2 months and we have talked for 3hrs plus every day. Its mad.

Three hours every day is intense! It’s lovely in the moment and I’ve definitely done that before. I have to be careful not to let my own life go too much when I meet someone so wouldn’t want that level of communication… MrMixtape and I seem to have one hour phone or video chats every other day or so with bursts of occasional texting and that works well - I definitely have been an “all or nothing” person before and have codependent tendencies/can let my own routines slide a bit and really don’t want to do that this time.

Discussion on using humour to deflect resonates too - I do this a lot, even in heavyweight job interviews - and agree with @InABetterPlaceNow it’s not always a case of not taking something seriously. It’s lovely to feel a bit challenged and on an equal footing with a partner - I’m loving that at the moment and really enjoying the respectful intellectual sparring along with the laughs etc.

@VanGoghsDog
I still have a tub of quality street left, I don’t really each much choc, so will probably go untouched.
I don’t really like the gym, it’s all abit boring, I prefer cycling,
There is a workout place close to where I get my bikes serviced, it’s mostly fitness classes so probably not appropriate for me ! ( don’t want to be seen a perv !), but I know they do some cycling classes, might look at those

[quote curmudgeonly007]@ibelieveinmirrorballs
Well I ‘know’ what packing tissue is, it’s that stuff you wrap your fragile things in when you move house (I think), maybe he had detachable testicles and packed them away for safe keeping when not in use ?

I do a lot of touring on my bike, so just tends to be socks, pants & tee shirt shoved in a roll sack for me !, no packing tissue here[/quote]
Yes, detachable testicles was my first thought too.. 😆🤔

@VanGoghsDog I'm also eating my freezer! It feels like such a slog, but here's hoping that the cost savings make it worthwhile!

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@VanGoghsDog I'm also eating my freezer! It feels like such a slog, but here's hoping that the cost savings make it worthwhile![/quote]
Home made (indeterminate) soup for lunch and pork chop for dinner. I have a lot of pork chops in the freezer because they come in twos and I usually only want one in a week, so I freeze the second one .....and buy a new pack the next week.

This is why I spend so much, I basically buy double what I need. The other thing I have a lot of is chicken thighs because they often come in huge packs so I'll have them twice in a week and still have three to freeze.

I do have pots and veg to have with it tonight.

@VanGoghsDog how is your bill so high? I'm at about 45 for me and two children per week. All meals from scratch. What are you indulging in Miss Gogh

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes its a long time and I think we would be fine with a quick chat before bed too. I actually struggle a bit with not seeing him as I start wondering if the magic will be the same when we meet. But I try not to let those thoughts take over.

[quote curmudgeonly007]@VanGoghsDog
I still have a tub of quality street left, I don’t really each much choc, so will probably go untouched.
I don’t really like the gym, it’s all abit boring, I prefer cycling,
There is a workout place close to where I get my bikes serviced, it’s mostly fitness classes so probably not appropriate for me ! ( don’t want to be seen a perv !), but I know they do some cycling classes, might look at those[/quote]
I have a ton of chocs still. Half a tub of Roses (took half on my walk Sunday to share out), another box of truffles, a box of Florentines and a huge Hotel Chocolat thing called The Everything Box which I've not really looking looked at yet.

And a huge bowl of nuts.

I hate the gym, frankly. Quite glad it's shut so I can't go this week.

Am vaguely thinking of getting a personal trainer.

[quote Eesha]@VanGoghsDog how is your bill so high? I'm at about 45 for me and two children per week. All meals from scratch. What are you indulging in Miss Gogh

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes its a long time and I think we would be fine with a quick chat before bed too. I actually struggle a bit with not seeing him as I start wondering if the magic will be the same when we meet. But I try not to let those thoughts take over.[/quote]
Smoked salmon, Salmon fillets, steak, pork chops.......that's my usual week. Chicken thighs for curry or tray bake.

I don't buy any alcohol and very little cleaning stuff. But quite a few snacks, I'm a snacker. I buy a lot of fresh stuff but stupidly probably throw quite a bit away.

It's probably not quite as much because I don't tend to shop on a regular day or anything, so it probably isn't that much each week. I'm keeping a list of what I need and what I've used.

I've spent £36 so far this year and this included two bunches of flowers.

[quote ReturnOfTheBunk]@ButterflyOfShay yo! Visitors and behind on work 😬🤓 so will check in later on.

I THINK there’s a spare opera ticket going Monday night though I’m not sure

so maybe we could aim to get @Isitreallyme12777 in @BelladiMamma[/quote]
@Isitreallyme12777 would you like this ticket?

Or anyone else near London @Eesha?

I know @TedMullins is away sadly

@VanGoghsDog your fitness routine sounds really good. I'm trying to do something similar to replace the 3 hours of daily exercise I used to take when I had the horse. I've put on almost a stone since I stopped riding.

I'm really missing the horse. And already thinking of buying another one. I need my head examined - literally! - as I'm still getting headaches and dizzy spells from the accident.

Oh well 🤷‍♂️

I’m spending about £60-80 a week on the grocery shop for me and the kids. That includes stuff like nappies, shower gel and washing machine liquid etc. And the kids have allergies so need some specialist food. But want to get this down and start using more food from the cupboards.

I’ll sometimes say things like ‘if we’re still together and you’re not bored of me by then’ to Mr Beard as don’t want to sound presumptuous/full of myself.