Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@VanGoghsDog honestly. It's excruciating.

[quote Stepcount]@WeWantTheFinestWines, glad to hear that Mr FP took the difficult conversation well. I think agreeing to chat again in a few days is not a cop out. You might find that it doesn’t happen. I take it FWB wasn’t suggested?[/quote]
No, it didn't really go in that direction...

I agree with your point above about regular posters - hopefully they'll check back in soon.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes, that's precisely what I was thinking! Why mess about wasting my precious time on a face to face meeting when he could be terrible.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I am trying to work out what I thought of it! He seemed nice enough and reasonably interesting. He is keen to meet up.

A big concern I have is that my boundaries are crap and I have always been overly open to different types of people. I'm worried about being able to spot red flags. Here are things that worried me about this discussion but which may be nothing:

• he said at one point that if you're looking for a relationship, you have to be very committed to meeting up and making it a priority, apparently waiting for me to agree (i actually don't disagree - I don't really know how I would find the time for a relationship). I'm not sure if this is a sign of future control or just him explaining what he wants

• he said that he looked at 200 flats before buying his place and similarly looked at 100s of sofas. (Is he difficult and demanding like my ex?)

• he's in sales. I realised at the end that he potentially used sales tactics on me in that he made sure to secure an agreement to meet up

• it turned out that he was wearing gym kit, though it wasn't really noticeable until he literally told me. Why would he tell me this??? (He revealed this after pushing for an IRL date)

• just as we were about to hang up, he asked how old my daughter is. I'm terrified of predators but realistically any man who wants to date a single mum probably needs to make some effort to pretend to care about her kids[/quote]

The thing I would worry most about is him stipulating how to behave if you want a relationship. What he said was not really wrong, but the fact that he felt the need to say it. To tell you. That sounds controlling to me. And 200 flats and 100 sofas - is that even possible? And who has time? That part is just weird. If your boundaries are not strong, be careful with this one.

@thegreenestbear

Well, the guy that went very lukewarm on Sunday has popped up again You could almost write it couldn't you - I just know if I'd replied to him he wouldn't have got back in touch. It was just a comment with a vague question, so I responded quite blandly with no question. Let's see if he comes back again...

ibelieveinmirrorballs your post below is absolutely spot on:

I've also learned that the men who get over-excited before meeting are fantasists. They are deep into the idea that there is this perfect person out there somewhere and they are not astute enough at this stage in their OLD 'journey' to realise that you can't know anything before meeting someone. It's a red flag because they are also the ones who jump overnight from thinking you're their dream woman to thinking 'nah, onto the next one' if you don't match their fantasy expectation. If you don't have good boundaries it's easy to get sucked into their fantasy idea of how GREAT things could be between you.

The part about going from 'you're my fantasy woman' to 'NEXT!' is exactly right.

Omg yes this is so true. I got sucked in by a lovebombing fantasist on the first lockdown. I really should’ve seen it coming!

@gelatodipistacchio to be honest you could pick apart anything in the chat so it sounds red flaggy here but I think what I noticed was that you really weren't keen on doing the video call in the first place and generally seemed not keen to go through the hassle. Hence what hope is there. You have to just decide whether you want to try a date zero and see what he's like in person. I think there's no harm in doing this at all if you have the time. I would give it a chance here if he's nice.

Trying to deal with the children having covid here and hoping I don't get taken down too. So many people have this new variant now. Mr Music has been great though has had some stuff on his side to deal with which has been triggering for him. Its been strange moving from all sweetness and light to move serious stuff. I've realised I'm someone who has to make a joke to break the ice/tension whereas he's someone who doesn't. He's flagged that as I do it all the time, it has the potential to be hurtful because I don't sound like I take things too seriously. However he knows its a bit of a defence thing for me. He's wonderful but extremely insightful so I'm wondering whether I'm enjoying having a mirror put up to myself whereas in the past I've been able to run rings round people. I feel a bit like a naughty kid at times because he's sees everything!

@gelatodipistacchio

At this juncture you only have to decide if you any to meet for a coffee or not ?
I don’t think they are red flags in the classic way
But maybe red flags 🚩 for you
In that you aren’t compatible

I’ve only had a few video dates
But the two I liked I knew I liked if you know what I mean ? Like I ended the call smiling

Did he make you smile ?

ealised I'm someone who has to make a joke to break the ice/tension whereas he's someone who doesn't.

Me too . I think it’s a desirable attribute and I’m
Slowly learning others don’t like so much 🥴

Good luck w covid x

That’s fascinating @Eesha what you’ve said. They say opposites attract.. maybe he needs a little lightheartedness and it sounds like he might be a lovely contrast to you.. it’s funny isn’t it when you feel like you’ve got nowhere to hide.. makes you feel a bit vulnerable and out in the open, he sounds like a great guy though someone you can be completely yourself with 🙂

I’m also missing naimee and Isitreally!

On a separate note who’s intending to come to the meet up? @VanGoghsDog @ibelieveinmirrorballs @WeWantTheFinestWines hope you all are? Be great to meet you 🙂

@gelatodipistacchio how did he get to look at 200 places before he bought his, there isn’t that many about unless he’s looked within a 100 mile radius around a big city?!? Must have a lot of time on his hands, sounds like a bit of a strange guy in general, it would be a no from me 😂😂

@gelatodipistacchio just from the way you describe him I don't think you're that excited. A video call is to screen people so maybe this has been a good thing as you've realised you're not suited. However, if you just want to get out there and back on the dating horse you could meet him for coffee?

@Stepcount I miss old posters too! @catinthehat and @Naimee87 and @Isitreallyme1277 and @HairyArsedMan and @kerkyra. Where are they now? And don't worry I'll warn everyone that I'm leaving too. The only thing is, if I left, I'd want to leave the door open to return so I wouldn't want a leaving party or presents or anything 😆 🎁 💜 💝

@VanGoghsDog has talking to the mutual friend given you any sort of closure? It's a really poor show from him. I'd totally be like you, wishing and hoping but also I'd completely lose my respect for him

@ButterflyOfShay

On a separate note who’s intending to come to the meet up? *@VanGoghsDog* *@ibelieveinmirrorballs* *@WeWantTheFinestWines* hope you all are? Be great to meet you 🙂

I'm coming and I'm in the WhatsApp 😊

@VanGoghsDog has talking to the mutual friend given you any sort of closure? It's a really poor show from him. I'd totally be like you, wishing and hoping but also I'd completely lose my respect for him

No, the opposite really. Obviously I'm hoping she'll tear a strip off him when she sees him and he'll see the light and come back....... I didn't talk to her that much, I actually don't want to drag other people into it.
(Still have to get this key back to him somehow)

I'm coming to the meet up.

@BelladiMamma So nice of you to think of me! I've been swamped with work. And i'm still being completely bullied by the teacher to the point where we are really having to explore completely insanse measures to keep him away from us. I just have to have faith that Karma is really a bitch and will go after him hard soon.
I saw my magnet last week after 5 weeks of not having seen each other. It was a morning 'date' as well and his truck was being loaded at the time so felt even more 'risky'.. with all the stress at the moment though it was the best escape. He's since had a really hard time with a useless colleague who he has been responsible for and whose gone awol. And has had a bad back so he's been really really quiet. It definitely worries me when retreats like this but there isn't too much i can do, he know's i'm here if he needs me. Hope you're all well!! I will make a come-back once the awful teacher gets off my case and work decides to let me breath again....

Ugh the one iron I had that seemed to be going well over text, bounced off each other lots of back and forth flirty banter, didn’t seem like a creep said he wanted a relationship etc made a comment at 10pm last night about about having a date ‘now’ and just why whyyyy do they ruin things

@ihavetogoshoppingnow

Ugh the one iron I had that seemed to be going well over text, bounced off each other lots of back and forth flirty banter, didn’t seem like a creep said he wanted a relationship etc made a comment at 10pm last night about about having a date ‘now’ and just why whyyyy do they ruin things

"Flirty banter" from a complete stranger would put me right off and not signify that someone's wanting a relationship, but I know that others are happy about it so that's just me. I want respect and humour and intelligence. I'll flirt when I know you... Sorry though. Such a disappointment.

It wasn’t like sexual flirty just like fun/bouncing off each other bit of back and forth flirty which I don’t mind as long as they don’t cross the line. But yeah still disappointing

I realise that I have just joined but curious about this meetup. It's taking place in London?

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma So nice of you to think of me! I've been swamped with work. And i'm still being completely bullied by the teacher to the point where we are really having to explore completely insanse measures to keep him away from us. I just have to have faith that Karma is really a bitch and will go after him hard soon.
I saw my magnet last week after 5 weeks of not having seen each other. It was a morning 'date' as well and his truck was being loaded at the time so felt even more 'risky'.. with all the stress at the moment though it was the best escape. He's since had a really hard time with a useless colleague who he has been responsible for and whose gone awol. And has had a bad back so he's been really really quiet. It definitely worries me when retreats like this but there isn't too much i can do, he know's i'm here if he needs me. Hope you're all well!! I will make a come-back once the awful teacher gets off my case and work decides to let me breath again....[/quote]
Hi 👋🏻

Bugger, I was hoping you'd changed schools by now?

That guy actually makes my blood boil ... all the way from over here!!!

I'm not even going to ask what the head is doing to protect you because it's obviously not enough. The tests!!!

@gelatodipistacchio

I realise that I have just joined but curious about this meetup. It's taking place in London?

Yes. DM me or @ReturnOfTheBunk and we can add you to the WhatsApp chat, or send you deets via DM

I realise that I have just joined but curious about this meetup. It's taking place in London?

When you guys meet up are you going to wear name tags with your username on ? , but like being at conference !

Keep this from the daily mail ladies and gents
I refer to Meet up ! High security noted and I salute you for it

@Naimee87 I meant the TWATS obvs not the tests

Or maybe they're testes??

Grrr 😡 in any case

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Keep this from the daily mail ladies and gents I refer to Meet up ! High security noted and I salute you for it

Perish the thought 🤣