Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@gelatodipistacchio

Talking with this Hinge guy shortly, on video chat. I find I am resentful of having to make myself presentable (though I am doing the absolute bare minimum to achieve that). Maybe I actually just want to be alone.

Hehe this made me giggle… ‘resentful of making myself presentable’.. haha 😂

@BelladiMamma did you meet this surprise relationship IRL? This is an intriguing tale!

@curmudgeonly007 that all sounds so difficult. It must be very uncomfortable reversing roles with a parent in that way too

Oh gelato ! You can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs 🥚😂
I do feel you !!!

ButterflyOfShay, I’m going on the date
He’s a bit calmer , and they behave better with babysitters than me
I quite like this one

@ButterflyOfShay I'm counting on my wit to capture these men since I can't be bothered to work on my appearance

Thats really good youre going @Thisisworsethananticpated.. hope you have a lovely time ☺️

@gelatodipistacchio I’ve never done a dating video chat, couldn’t imagine doing that, think it would feel so awkward 😂

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm very impressed that you're going to be going on a real date during the school week!

@Thisisworsethananticpated let us know how it goes!!
#livingvicariouslythroughthethread

Well, the guy that went very lukewarm on Sunday has popped up again You could almost write it couldn't you - I just know if I'd replied to him he wouldn't have got back in touch. It was just a comment with a vague question, so I responded quite blandly with no question. Let's see if he comes back again...

ibelieveinmirrorballs your post below is absolutely spot on:

I've also learned that the men who get over-excited before meeting are fantasists. They are deep into the idea that there is this perfect person out there somewhere and they are not astute enough at this stage in their OLD 'journey' to realise that you can't know anything before meeting someone. It's a red flag because they are also the ones who jump overnight from thinking you're their dream woman to thinking 'nah, onto the next one' if you don't match their fantasy expectation. If you don't have good boundaries it's easy to get sucked into their fantasy idea of how GREAT things could be between you.

The part about going from 'you're my fantasy woman' to 'NEXT!' is exactly right.

thegreenestbear
Spot on
I like the ones that don’t message loads before much more

I’d throw this one back if I were you x

So how was the video date gelato ?

ButterflyOfShay , bless you
We will see ! To be honest I’m doing this as a distraction from son and work
Self care is mandatory for everyone , especially us parents of Mentally ill children

@thegreenestbear I don't miss that kind of crap from OLD!

@Thisisworsethananticpated yeah we all have to do fun entertaining things for ourselves! Otherwise what’s the point of living 🙂🙂

@ButterflyOfShay

Thats really good youre going *@Thisisworsethananticpated*.. hope you have a lovely time ☺️

@gelatodipistacchio I’ve never done a dating video chat, couldn’t imagine doing that, think it would feel so awkward 😂

I think it feels different if you reframe it that YOU’RE the one who wants the video call to check whether it’s worth YOUR time and effort meeting up. Having had crates where I’ve turned up and known within 5 minutes I wasn’t going to ever fancy them, it really is worth a video call to save myself the effort/time/outlay/childcare. It’s easy to be lighthearted about it and just riff off any phone call you’ve had already and just say “this is for both our benefits, it’s all just helpful intel for two people on their dating journey!” rather than it feel like one person interviewing the other.

clearly I mean dates rather than crates 🤪😆

@thegreenestbear

Well, the guy that went very lukewarm on Sunday has popped up again You could almost write it couldn't you - I just know if I'd replied to him he wouldn't have got back in touch. It was just a comment with a vague question, so I responded quite blandly with no question. Let's see if he comes back again...

ibelieveinmirrorballs your post below is absolutely spot on:

I've also learned that the men who get over-excited before meeting are fantasists. They are deep into the idea that there is this perfect person out there somewhere and they are not astute enough at this stage in their OLD 'journey' to realise that you can't know anything before meeting someone. It's a red flag because they are also the ones who jump overnight from thinking you're their dream woman to thinking 'nah, onto the next one' if you don't match their fantasy expectation. If you don't have good boundaries it's easy to get sucked into their fantasy idea of how GREAT things could be between you.

The part about going from 'you're my fantasy woman' to 'NEXT!' is exactly right.

Well done for not sending him a question back. I’d leave it if I were you.

Yes the ones who go from 0-60 find it just as easy to ghost or drop you like a hot potato.

Finally spoke to Mr Favourite Place who was of course very mature about the whole thing, asked me if I wanted to stop seeing each other completely or see if things might develop, thanked me for telling him how I feel and suggesting we leave it for a few days and then have a chat. Which I agreed to because I didn't really know what else to say. He said he'd been where I am in the past and it's not easy and asked me what I wanted to do and because I'm chicken I said let's talk in a few days when we've had a chance to think things through... I feel relieved I've said it but I suppose it's all a bit unresolved. I think I'm wavering and wonder if I'll end up meeting up with him again... I'm away for another week and then busy with DC and London trip and half term so don't even know when we could meet anyway. I guess we'll speak on the phone in a few days...

Haha I’ve been there @ibelieveinmirrorballs you know pretty much instantly there will never be anything there then it’s just trying to exit the situation as quickly yet politely as possible

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@BelladiMamma did you meet this surprise relationship IRL? This is an intriguing tale!

@curmudgeonly007 that all sounds so difficult. It must be very uncomfortable reversing roles with a parent in that way too[/quote]
Yes- whilst looking for a casual thing 🙊

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Finally spoke to Mr Favourite Place who was of course very mature about the whole thing, asked me if I wanted to stop seeing each other completely or see if things might develop, thanked me for telling him how I feel and suggesting we leave it for a few days and then have a chat. Which I agreed to because I didn't really know what else to say. He said he'd been where I am in the past and it's not easy and asked me what I wanted to do and because I'm chicken I said let's talk in a few days when we've had a chance to think things through... I feel relieved I've said it but I suppose it's all a bit unresolved. I think I'm wavering and wonder if I'll end up meeting up with him again... I'm away for another week and then busy with DC and London trip and half term so don't even know when we could meet anyway. I guess we'll speak on the phone in a few days...

Oh gosh I've warmed to this man because he has been mature and decent ... which of course we should all expect but doesn't always happen!! Hoping that things work themselves out in whatever way works for you

@VanGoghsDog, did you unblock Mr WG or did you hear anything from your friend at the walking group that knows him ? I find leaving behind guys that I have had in my life really difficult. Most mornings I still find myself checking my email in case Mr Cocky has caved and messaged me 😂
On a separate note I always find it a bit sad - not the right word- when regular posters suddenly stop. We’ve had a couple of people stop out of the blue - naimee for example. I think when my time comes I will exit with a flourish and a Queen like wave 👋.

@WeWantTheFinestWines, glad to hear that Mr FP took the difficult conversation well. I think agreeing to chat again in a few days is not a cop out. You might find that it doesn’t happen. I take it FWB wasn’t suggested?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes, that's precisely what I was thinking! Why mess about wasting my precious time on a face to face meeting when he could be terrible.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I am trying to work out what I thought of it! He seemed nice enough and reasonably interesting. He is keen to meet up.

A big concern I have is that my boundaries are crap and I have always been overly open to different types of people. I'm worried about being able to spot red flags. Here are things that worried me about this discussion but which may be nothing:

• he said at one point that if you're looking for a relationship, you have to be very committed to meeting up and making it a priority, apparently waiting for me to agree (i actually don't disagree - I don't really know how I would find the time for a relationship). I'm not sure if this is a sign of future control or just him explaining what he wants

• he said that he looked at 200 flats before buying his place and similarly looked at 100s of sofas. (Is he difficult and demanding like my ex?)

• he's in sales. I realised at the end that he potentially used sales tactics on me in that he made sure to secure an agreement to meet up

• it turned out that he was wearing gym kit, though it wasn't really noticeable until he literally told me. Why would he tell me this??? (He revealed this after pushing for an IRL date)

• just as we were about to hang up, he asked how old my daughter is. I'm terrified of predators but realistically any man who wants to date a single mum probably needs to make some effort to pretend to care about her kids

[quote Stepcount]@VanGoghsDog, did you unblock Mr WG or did you hear anything from your friend at the walking group that knows him ? I find leaving behind guys that I have had in my life really difficult. Most mornings I still find myself checking my email in case Mr Cocky has caved and messaged me 😂
On a separate note I always find it a bit sad - not the right word- when regular posters suddenly stop. We’ve had a couple of people stop out of the blue - naimee for example. I think when my time comes I will exit with a flourish and a Queen like wave 👋.[/quote]
I unblocked him last Friday. Of course he doesn't know that. And, of course, I was hoping to get a message that went "I know I'm blocked but I'm still sending you a message every day in case you change your mind, because I'm hopelessly in love with you". Funnily enough, I've not had that, or any, message.

Yes, saw mutual friend. Told her I'd ended it because he ghosted me, told her I'd asked for dates and not heard from him and after two weeks called it off. She was upset for me, cross with him, said he was stupid and we were well matched. I suspect she'll have a bit of a word when she sees him. She didn't like that he'd kept the whole thing so secret either.
I have a key of his and I had put it in an envelope to take round and pop through his letterbox as the walk was near where he lives, but we all went for lunch after and didn't leave until four so I couldn't be bothered. He's not asked for it. I didn't want to ask someone else to give it to him.

I'm talking to a guy on Tinder about cake :)

Yes, I've been missing @naimee too.

@WeWantTheFinestWines - well done!

he said that he looked at 200 flats before buying his place and similarly looked at 100s of sofas. (Is he difficult and demanding like my ex?)

I had an ex like that. He called it "research". I just found it very boring!