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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

997 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 11/01/2022 20:41

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

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BelladiMamma · 18/01/2022 12:29

@ButterflyOfShay sorry meant to say you're NOT drinking so the emotions are stronger, there's no masking them

curmudgeonly007 · 18/01/2022 12:31

@Badbaddog
Thanks, since my Dad passed my mum seems to have lost all her self confidence, she was getting into a bit of a state yesterday and she gets quite anxious as well, so had to try and calm her a bit yesterday evening, spoke to her just now, and all it good 👍🏼
It’s her Birthday next week, so will go down and take her out for lunch, I’ve got an older sister, but she is about as much use a handbrake on a canoe.

VanGoghsDog · 18/01/2022 13:32

[quote curmudgeonly007]@Badbaddog
Thanks, since my Dad passed my mum seems to have lost all her self confidence, she was getting into a bit of a state yesterday and she gets quite anxious as well, so had to try and calm her a bit yesterday evening, spoke to her just now, and all it good 👍🏼
It’s her Birthday next week, so will go down and take her out for lunch, I’ve got an older sister, but she is about as much use a handbrake on a canoe.[/quote]
My mum's the opposite. Admittedly dad was a controlling twat, but mum is enjoying her freedom a bit too much and getting carried away with stuff. She's spent more on the garden in two years than the house itself is worth, paying tens of thousands for a patio, £3k for a new back door.....
She orders stuff online but messes it up and then gets upset that the internet doesn't work properly.
Same issue with the dining room table, she's decided to get it sorted out but it doesn't need to be sorted out. But this has given my cousin (who is a total user) the excuse to latch onto her and without doubt mum will be giving her money for helping her.

Luckily I think she's given up on the idea of driving, I just need to get her to sell the car now before it rots. Though she has a neighbour who drives her around in it sometimes, which seems mad, she might as well get a taxi or go in the neighbour's own car and give him petrol money.

Yellowhighheels · 18/01/2022 13:57

[quote Stepcount]@Yellowhighheels, are you suggesting non exclusive because you want to be free to actually go in search of someone with whom you think you could have the family set up with ? you agreed to be exclusive with your iron but now it feels that there are obstacles in your way and it's not looking like it has the potential you were hoping for ? I think it sounds like you know how you feel and to carry on seeing him could be viewed as a waste of time. If you want a FWB scenario whilst you continue to search then you can ask him ? But I think you need to be open about how you're seeing things. It may be better to walk away now and feel free to pursue new irons. Is this early days nerves or is he really not a viable option?[/quote]
Thanks so much for the replies.

Well, I do like him and it's not a total non-starter, just not straightforward. There will be a point over the next few weeks when he will know if he might have to move away for a year. This is due to personal reasons and quite sad, not something he was aware of. That would be a natural watershed as I certainly wouldn't be looking for that sort of distance so I thought of hanging on until then and deciding.

I would be happy to keep dating him and see if we could get into a good rhythm of seeing each other, I just don't want a relationship based on texting and video calls with no progression in the nearish future. It would be good to be open to others in this time as I really want to meet someone and am concerned about the obstacles here as you say. Then again, you meet so few with potential maybe it would be better to give this one a wholehearted go and have another discussion about logistics etc.

For full disclosure, just before our 3rd date I got chatting to someone closer (still about an hour away which is my limit) on OLD who seemed really nice. I haven't met him or continued it since the exclusivity convo but have to admit I was thinking 'maybe'. In the full knowledge, of course, that it might come to nothing.

I don't mean to sound grimly transactional or anything, it's just that life circumstances have meant I wasn't in the best position until my mid 30s to meet someone and now really don't want to leave it too late. In my current town, I haven't really met anyone and I don't really meet anyone through work or socially since moving and I'm having to build up a new circle from scratch.

Stepcount · 18/01/2022 15:03

@Yellowhighheels, I think it'd be sensible and only fair to see what happens with his situation in view of the potential move. I also think that sometimes you don't know you want to make an additional effort with something until you realise that you do - if that makes sense. So at this fairly early stage does either of you know where this is heading or how much true compatibility there is ? I've not been in your life position exactly but your description of knowing what you are looking for - in terms of commitment/marriage?/kids? - is good but it could be viewed as a little clinical. I know that some people have to be and there is no point you necessarily allowing yourself to get involved with someone who doesn't want any or more DC but I think the search should be for the right person and not just the right criteria. But I am out the other end of the phase in my life that was about marriage and children so those things were not at the forefront of my search.

TedMullins · 18/01/2022 16:41

Hey everyone, I've finally cracked and decided to join this thread! I'm dating, a couple of irons on the go but nothing really to write home about at the moment... what is the protocol here? Introduce my irons?

curmudgeonly007 · 18/01/2022 16:57

@VanGoghsDog
I know what you mean about the spending, my dad was a bit “cheap”, while he was alive, which was a bit depressing for me, but he saved up 00000’s in savings and investments.
After he passed my Mum spend loads on house and Garden, but now seems anxious about spending 40 quid without reassurance, I think lockdown has done a number on her MH

BelladiMamma · 18/01/2022 17:02

@TedMullins

Hey everyone, I've finally cracked and decided to join this thread! I'm dating, a couple of irons on the go but nothing really to write home about at the moment... what is the protocol here? Introduce my irons?
Welcome 👋🏻

Go ahead and tell us who your irons are 😊

And good luck with it all 🤞🏽

curmudgeonly007 · 18/01/2022 17:02

@TedMullins
Yes I would say so,
I’m pretty useless at most dating things, so here is comedy sketch instead

BelladiMamma · 18/01/2022 17:04

@curmudgeonly007 @VanGoghsDog I haven't seen my Dad in a year and I have no idea what awaits me in February when I go over. I am getting anxious but also I have to be quite accepting as he's literally 999kms away, his choice, and rightly so, it's where he's from. But still, it's tough.

TedMullins · 18/01/2022 17:17

Right! Ok, so, a bit about me - I’m a cliche quirky creative type living in south London lol, 32, got my own flat and dog (I will post pics of him if anyone’s interested), no kids, I’m bi but I swing between preferring men and women and at the moment (unfortunately) I’m leaning more towards men.

Iron 1, we’ll call him Gulags because in our initial chat we were joking about what UK location would be best to build a gulag and fill it with people we don’t like. He’s about 6 months out of an LTR and I’ve been stung by emotionally unavailable men not long out of rships in the past, so I made it clear I was up for hanging out but wouldn’t be rushing into anything with someone in his situation. At first, the chat was really good but it’s kind of fizzled out a bit and is more sporadic. We’re meant to be meeting Saturday but I’m leaving the ball in his court. We’ve kissed but nothing else.

Iron 2: let’s call him Beer Guy because his job involves craft beer. Was someone I briefly mentored in a professional capacity about 6 years ago, we carried on chatting a bit online ever since but don’t work with or adjacent to each other at all now. We hung out just before Christmas and I actually made it clear I wasn’t up for a date and only saw it as a platonic thing as guess what - he’s also not long out of a rship and he got dumped and is still upset about it, he’s also 27 so there’s a small age gap but he’s not as established/set up in life as I am, his industry isn’t the best for salaries and he’s in a temp house share at the moment which I don’t judge or see as a dealbreaker because I’ve been there and it’s par for the course in London but as I’ve got my own place I’m wary of dating anyone who might want to move themselves in! I think with him the prospects are only ever going to be casual but I’m not sure I can be arsed with that. He asked me on a date then kind of backtracked and said he wasn’t sure he was ready so I should probably bin him.

Iron 3: Comedy Dave (not the radio 1 guy, but a comedian. His name is not Dave). Not met yet but seems potentially promising - lots of the same interests and opinions, he’s creative and into similar music, I think he’s got his own place, I’m just concerned I might not fancy him in person as I can’t properly tell from his pics whether he’s cute nerdy or just…. Nerdy nerdy. Meeting on Sunday potentially.

That’s it for me as of now, I will update after the weekend’s dates!

dancemom · 18/01/2022 17:22

I have a dilemma. Went for coffee / date zero with Mr Big. Nice guy but just wasn't sure. Went for another coffee date, kinda felt the same. He tries a little bit too hard. Went for dinner and felt totally different, so felt relaxed, thought we had a good connection, was glad I went for the third date. Went for coffee again yesterday and back to being unsure ...

Supposed to go to his for dinner on Friday, thinking I should go to see if things are different in a different environment? He's very gentlemanly so no reservations about going to his as a fifth date....

WeWantTheFinestWines · 18/01/2022 17:44

@dancemom

I have a dilemma. Went for coffee / date zero with Mr Big. Nice guy but just wasn't sure. Went for another coffee date, kinda felt the same. He tries a little bit too hard. Went for dinner and felt totally different, so felt relaxed, thought we had a good connection, was glad I went for the third date. Went for coffee again yesterday and back to being unsure ...

Supposed to go to his for dinner on Friday, thinking I should go to see if things are different in a different environment? He's very gentlemanly so no reservations about going to his as a fifth date....

I think he really likes you. Someone being slightly nervous around you is quite sweet to me. Sometimes dinner can be a bit easier maybe, because you're settling in for an evening of chat, whereas a coffee can be awkward with the ordering and where to sit and what do you do when you've finished your coffee, etc. I would definitely do another dinner and see if you can recapture the relaxed mood and maybe he'll be a bit more chilled as it's your fifth date, so not brand new and scary any more
curmudgeonly007 · 18/01/2022 17:49

@BelladiMamma
Oh wow, my parents are 140 miles / 225 km away, so about 3 hrs drive, and I think that’s bad !

curmudgeonly007 · 18/01/2022 17:51

@TedMullins
I’d date number 2 just for the beer ,🍺 ( but not this month of course)

TedMullins · 18/01/2022 18:12

Beer guy is quite attractive tbf, but I’m not sure if I want a casual thing. I’ve had FWBs before and it’s been good but I’ve also done a lot of therapy and don’t want to set myself back by getting unwittingly attached

30somethingandstillsingle · 18/01/2022 19:15

I'm back from my all day date #2 with MrMind and to be totally honest, he blows my mind.
We had an amazing day doing an activity, conversation and laughs all through the day, we just seem to bounce off each other with the same humour and it's just...easy. There is also quite a lot of sexual tension Grinwhich will be fun to explore Blush but we both agreed that we should take things slowly and get to know each other/build good foundations before that.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 18/01/2022 19:27

@30somethingandstillsingle

I'm back from my all day date #2 with MrMind and to be totally honest, he blows my mind. We had an amazing day doing an activity, conversation and laughs all through the day, we just seem to bounce off each other with the same humour and it's just...easy. There is also quite a lot of sexual tension Grinwhich will be fun to explore Blush but we both agreed that we should take things slowly and get to know each other/build good foundations before that.

Sounds like a fab perfect super date, yay!

ButterflyOfShay · 18/01/2022 20:21

Thanks @VanGoghsDog it never gets any easier with them does it! Sorry yours are difficult too.
Thanks also for the kindness @BelladiMamma @WeWantTheFinestWines @Eesha 💗

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ButterflyOfShay · 18/01/2022 20:23

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I’m meant to have a date this weds

Bit asd sons is in a very bad way mentally and am a bit iffy about leaving him , he totally hates me and its draining as fuck

So as the (I like him) guy hasn’t texted me I’m going to leave it and see
If he bails , as disappointed as I’ll be , I will also be a bit relieved

Ugh single mum dating

That sounds really tough @Thisisworsethananticpated Flowers
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ButterflyOfShay · 18/01/2022 20:30

[quote BelladiMamma]@ButterflyOfShay sorry meant to say you're NOT drinking so the emotions are stronger, there's no masking them[/quote]
Thanks lovely, it’s definitely good to be thinking with perfect clarity rather than in a voddy haze 😄 glad things are going great with MrD 💗💗

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gelatodipistacchio · 18/01/2022 20:32

@30somethingandstillsingle that sounds lovely!

ButterflyOfShay · 18/01/2022 20:34

Congrats on a good date @30somethingandstillsingle!

Hi @TedMullins welcome ☺️

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gelatodipistacchio · 18/01/2022 20:34

Talking with this Hinge guy shortly, on video chat. I find I am resentful of having to make myself presentable (though I am doing the absolute bare minimum to achieve that). Maybe I actually just want to be alone.Hmm

ButterflyOfShay · 18/01/2022 20:37

How’d the chat go @WeWantTheFinestWines did you manage to speak to him? Expect you just want to get it over with now 😕

Sorry to hear about your brother @Badbaddog hope your dad was ok with the bad news 💔

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