Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Very boring Mr Favourite Place update. I left him a message suggesting a phone call, he said he'd let me know when he'd finished working on his house, he didn't until really late and then was very apologetic that it was so late and could we speak tomorrow. So the awkward conversation has been put back by a day.

Gelato
I really don’t want therapy either
But , I’m struggling to parent my 13 year old
Son , he is triggering me and I think we both have maybe got ptsd
Ugh 😑

thegreenestbear
It’s a brutal game ! You have to brush yourself down and either contact others or have a break

Yes they can get too excited before a meet
Oh yes 🙈

I going to have to text Wednesday date as I have a babysitter booked and don’t want to let her down last
Minute

@Thisisworsethananticpated I would say loads of people find therapy really useful from here plus with my friends. Give it a chance at least once.

@ButterflyOfShay you sound like you are going through a lot but are turning a big corner in your life by recognising you need some help with the crappy family dynamics.

Eesha
I’ve had sooooo much though
Good and bad
The next one needs to be shit hot , or go home

@thegreenestbear - sorry to hear that but it sounds like you knew it was coming. Most of the time I don't even get to the first date point before they drift off. That's generally the ones that are looking for online/sexting fun which I instantly shut down if I've never even met them. Definitely a bullet dodged!

Meh 😑 I’ve texted Wednesday date
This fellow usually replies fast
Even when teaching 😂
I’ll give him till midday 🕛
Then I’ll maybe keep babysitter and do something else
Is 5 hours a fair cut off time ?

Ok we are on
Drama over
Jaysus wept !!!!

I do need therapy

@thegreenestbear

Still not RTFT yet but just checking you all agree with my thoughts...

Yesterday's date zero was good, I texted to say let me know if you want to meet again. He said let's keep talking and since then he has responded to my messages quickly but just with a one loiner or a lol - no kisses and nothing to keep the conversation going. My turn to message now but it feels like I'm forcing things - if he was interested, he'd show it wouldn't her?

Don't really want to be the first one to stop messaging but this feels like hard work...

@thegreenestbear so much better to leave things when you sense someone's not 100% into meeting again or whatever, because if there's a lack of enthusiasm now it just becomes an utter ball ache to try to continue it. It's almost worse when they're people pleasers and try to keep things going because they can't face being upfront - drags the inevitable on for longer. Knowing that has made me much better about cutting things off if I'm not feeling it either.

I've also learned that the men who get over-excited before meeting are fantasists. They are deep into the idea that there is this perfect person out there somewhere and they are not astute enough at this stage in their OLD 'journey' to realise that you can't know anything before meeting someone. It's a red flag because they are also the ones who jump overnight from thinking you're their dream woman to thinking 'nah, onto the next one' if you don't match their fantasy expectation. If you don't have good boundaries it's easy to get sucked into their fantasy idea of how GREAT things could be between you. Hang on mate, let's try meeting up first!

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Eesha I’ve had sooooo much though Good and bad The next one needs to be shit hot , or go home

@Thisisworsethananticpated sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your 13yo. My DC are 12 and I'm starting to understand the very different landscape that their upcoming teen years holds for me - on the one hand they need us less, we have more freedom and ability to shape independent 'non mother' lives - which brings its own pressure and potential loss of identity... on the other hand their problems are complex and emotionally taxing!

I've just started with a therapist again having had a few in my time - I think navigating dating and discussing feelings as they arise is a good framework for it as obviously it brings up so much stuff. I have not said anything about my sessions with my therapist to MrM until in passing it came up over the weekend. He asked me 'do you discuss me/us with her?' (er, just a bit ) - when I said yes I did he said he thought that was a good thing. I have no idea what he meant by that

It's daunting thinking about starting it all again, I absolutely don't want to be drawn into an endless discussion about my childhood, but for now it is helping me navigate this 'early relationship anxiety'. I've been reading that thread about heartbreak by the poster who is a similar age to me, and has had her relationship end after an abusive/difficult marriage and is devastated by it. I realise I am terrified of this being me in a few months. When something good happens and you've been through such a painful marriage, it's so hard to relax into it. It's driving me mad and I hope the therapy will help!

Meeting MrMind in a minute for our day out. I've got a fair bit of anxiety about it.

I expect he has multiple irons, and he's probably telling them how fabulous they are too, but I know that's my own overthinking and he's perfectly entitled to do that.

I think I need to relax a bit and enjoy our time together without overthinking things that I have no control over.

@30somethingandstillsingle - how many times have you met him before? Try to at least enjoy it in the moment, and save the overthinking for afterwards, that's about as good as I've managed to do it thus far!

30somethingandstillsingle
Try and shift from does he like me to ‘do I like him’
I was nervous in my last date I had a cbd edible !!!

ibelieveinmirrorballs

I’m on that thread too
Yes ah that’s why I’m staying casual for now
The pain is very palpable

Hats off to those who are dating, you needs balls of steel for that ( or boobs of steel is suppose if you have those )

My heart goes out to those who are having to parent their own parents, after a 2 hour call to my mum last night , not good..

I’ve been watching “Couples therapy” on iplayer. I am finding it fascinating. I’ve never had any therapy, just a few sessions with the bereavement counsellor at the hospice around the time of my DH’s death. I have always felt pretty astute about understanding my life and needs and where any issues I may have stem from. I can see some of my behaviour with Mr V is solidly based on a fear of losing someone I care deeply about as I have already experienced that. I lost DH to cancer and both parents in less than 4 years. I think I’m looking for Mr V to achieve the impossible, which is to guarantee this is for keeps. But I’m subliminally waiting all the time for something to go wrong and I’m living with a fear which is impeding my enjoyment of the here and now. Not sure exactly why I’m sharing this but maybe someone else will connect with the same feeling.

I've been a bit hasty and would love some advice in retreating.

I wrote an essay but the main thing is: is there any way to nicely suggest being non exclusive again or would that most likely mean ending things?

It was after 3 dates, he asked me and I agreed. But on reflection and following conversations since, I think I see this heading the same way as past relationships with logistical issues. He lives just outside the distance limit I set myself and is really busy with work, at least at the minute. He says this is only short bursts during the year.

It's a pattern I am trying to break, starting relationships with logistical or other distance. I am happy to keep seeing him but want to settle down and have a family and don't have forever to look. I know I should not have agreed to exclusivity but felt on the spot and do want to see this guy. I'm just not sure he seems that keen. But then I have had plenty of love bombing in the past that has led nowhere. We have also slept together now so I fear I'm being a dick.

Should I just see how it goes for a few weeks then decide? If someone suggested this to me I would feel crap, personally.

@curmudgeonly007

Hats off to those who are dating, you needs balls of steel for that ( or boobs of steel is suppose if you have those )

My heart goes out to those who are having to parent their own parents, after a 2 hour call to my mum last night , not good..

I really feel for you @curmudgeonly007. All I can advise is to make sure that you keep stuff that is just for you, to keep your life moving on, when you are burdened with caring for elderly relatives.

@Stepcount given the number of your losses I wonder whether revisiting the bereavement counsellor might be an idea, as it sounds like you are going through the ‘moving on’ stage of grief?

I got some shock news yesterday re my fuckwit shit of a brother, back in prison for the fifth time, thanks for warning us bro! My DF doesn’t know yet, that’ll be my job to tell him then 😡. It’s going to be a bad year 😢

@Yellowhighheels

is there any way to nicely suggest being non exclusive again or would that most likely mean ending things?

Tbh, after 3 dates and sex, I think that would mean ending things, you said you would feel like crap if someone said that to you, I think that’s how it would feel to me as well really.

@crochetmonkey74

May I join and get something off my chest or get some advice?

This time last year I had a break up and because of 2 other bereavements I was the lowest I have ever been- has some suicidal thoughts- (very brief and got help straight away)
I started online dating in August 2021 with the idea that it would take me a while to meet someone (A year or 2 I thought)
Well, at the end of Oct I met a really nice guy - he's funny, clever, solvent and just all round good guy. I wasn't attracted to him at first but I wasn't worried as I don't tend to find people attractive straight away- it has to grow.
I really miss him in between seeing him (it's a slow burn as he has 50/50 custody so it's week on/week off) and both of us seperately had Covid so that took some weeks out too. I like meeting him in pubs etc and going on dates but when we go to each others places (he is coming tonight) I get so nervous and want to run away.
I have toyed with finishing it as I think I maybe started dating a bit too soon but I keep having the feeling that I would be letting something really good go. When I don't see him, I look forward to seeing him but then on the day, I feel so anxious. Anyone had similar/ got any advice?

I have had this - with the first person I really had feelings for after a year and a bit of OLD. I would literally have panic attacks before going to see him. In retrospect, I should have opened up to him a bit more, but I did do work on all my other issues / baggage alongside dating him and in the end it was a really positive experience even though we didn't last the course. I think it was being vulnerable / having feelings which triggered it. Hope you work it out 🤞🏽

@ButterflyOfShay

Sorry… just had to let that out somewhere 😣

That's so shit. Maybe because you're more drinking it's 'in full effect', but a great time to start counselling too.

@Yellowhighheels, are you suggesting non exclusive because you want to be free to actually go in search of someone with whom you think you could have the family set up with ? you agreed to be exclusive with your iron but now it feels that there are obstacles in your way and it's not looking like it has the potential you were hoping for ? I think it sounds like you know how you feel and to carry on seeing him could be viewed as a waste of time. If you want a FWB scenario whilst you continue to search then you can ask him ? But I think you need to be open about how you're seeing things. It may be better to walk away now and feel free to pursue new irons. Is this early days nerves or is he really not a viable option?

@Badbaddog, thank you. I think that if I pursue counselling it would be the bigger picture but obviously my losses would feature as a big chunk of the last few years. But there are also issues from childhood and my relationships with men in general. I'm actually pretty fine, functioning well but if I did look into counselling it would be more an outlet and an objective means to see patterns or suggest new ways of approaching things.

@Stepcount

I’ve been watching “Couples therapy” on iplayer. I am finding it fascinating. I’ve never had any therapy, just a few sessions with the bereavement counsellor at the hospice around the time of my DH’s death. I have always felt pretty astute about understanding my life and needs and where any issues I may have stem from. I can see some of my behaviour with Mr V is solidly based on a fear of losing someone I care deeply about as I have already experienced that. I lost DH to cancer and both parents in less than 4 years. I think I’m looking for Mr V to achieve the impossible, which is to guarantee this is for keeps. But I’m subliminally waiting all the time for something to go wrong and I’m living with a fear which is impeding my enjoyment of the here and now. Not sure exactly why I’m sharing this but maybe someone else will connect with the same feeling.

Yes I also identify with this. I lost my brother and then got divorced / separated within a space of less than 2 years. I then had an accident which means my life has been quite upended; I sold my horse and I have changed careers. All of these things are really scary and I just want MrDublin to 1. Live forever 2. Solve all my problems 🤞🏽🤪 which I know is utterly ridiculous but I would so love that security.

The key thing is, I suppose, to remember that it's the here and now that counts and that matters.

@thegreenestbear just thinking about your previous post and your anxiety around OLD. It's not the greatest to be honest, there are a lot of charlatans and chatters and flakers and ghosters. After my roll call for 2021 I realised that I'd missed out a load of irons and in fact I've dated / been on dates with 20 people, at least 40 matches and slept with 5 of them 🤦🏻‍♀️.

From around August I've been quite open that I'm not looking for a relationship because 1. I felt it couldn't fit in my life and 2. I'd become so jaded by OLD. I've now met someone I've really gelled with and I'm extremely fond of. However it's early days and I've no idea if it will last.

I'm not really sure what the point of my post is other than - don't give up, try to make it work for you in whichever way is best for you and make sure it's fun. If it isn't, cut your losses and move on.

Best of luck 🤞🏽 with beating your OLD gremlins and keep coming back here for the sounding board / advice.