Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

And we’ll done to you too babbadog

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks, but please don’t beat yourself up about drinking on Saturday night. It’s taken all my adult life for the stars to align enough for me to not drink, it’s never just a question of will and self-discipline to improve addictive behaviour. Keep trying, but keep loving yourself too.

Oops I tried to post earlier and apparently it didn't work.

What I said was, that I am in a bit of a panic because a Hinge guy has suggested a video chat this evening. I'm so inexperienced with dating, and so terrified about everything, that this has me in a flap.

@Thisisworsethananticpated it’s so addictive and it’s a habit and a ‘comfort blanket’, as @Badbaddog says don’t be harsh on yourself, it’s taken me years and many tries to get this far.. hugs hope you feel a bit brighter now though??

@Thisisworsethananticpated in a way it’s a good thing it made you feel rubbish as it’s a reminder that it does that, I hate the way it makes you feel rough (because it’s literally poison!) one of the many reasons ive stopped x

Good luck @WeWantTheFinestWines. I expect it will feel like a relief once you’ve told him. It’s not your fault - you did try and want there to be the spark there.. can’t force it hey xx

I’m making enquiries into the counselling service offered through my work. My family have been hurting me since before Christmas and I just feel like I want to tell every single one of them to fuck right off and leave me alone forever. I just wish they would leave me alone as they mess my MH up.

Sorry… just had to let that out somewhere 😣

@gelatodipistacchio

Oops I tried to post earlier and apparently it didn't work.

What I said was, that I am in a bit of a panic because a Hinge guy has suggested a video chat this evening. I'm so inexperienced with dating, and so terrified about everything, that this has me in a flap.

I don't like video chats early on. To me they're to keep the momentum going with someone you're seeing. I would much prefer a phone call. Why don't you suggest that? Just say you'd prefer to chat on the phone. If he doesn't respect that, it's a hard no with this iron. Never. Do. Anything. You're. Not. Comfortable. With.

@ButterflyOfShay

Sorry… just had to let that out somewhere 😣

Why not here then? 😊

Sounds like a good start in dealing with issues that obviously have a huge effect on you. Many on here have found counselling helpful, and if work is paying, go for it!

@gelatodipistacchio

Oops I tried to post earlier and apparently it didn't work.

What I said was, that I am in a bit of a panic because a Hinge guy has suggested a video chat this evening. I'm so inexperienced with dating, and so terrified about everything, that this has me in a flap.

I like to have video calls before meeting but would start with a phone call. Agree though - don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.

Oh, my issue is the entirety of dating. Even just talking to someone makes me feel super anxious.

I have barely dated in my life. Last year, I went out on a handful of dates which by and large were disappointing. I hate everything about dating really, but I don't really want to be alone forever. Everything about it sends me into a panicked tailspin.

@gelatodipistacchio I agree with what others have said if you're not comfortable then don't do it or suggest a phone call. I'm not comfortable with video calls. I'm not a phone person at the best of times let alone with someone I don't even know.

Still not RTFT yet but just checking you all agree with my thoughts...

Yesterday's date zero was good, I texted to say let me know if you want to meet again. He said let's keep talking and since then he has responded to my messages quickly but just with a one loiner or a lol - no kisses and nothing to keep the conversation going. My turn to message now but it feels like I'm forcing things - if he was interested, he'd show it wouldn't her?

Don't really want to be the first one to stop messaging but this feels like hard work...

thegreenestbear
Hmm 🤔
I’d back off and let him make a move
And if he doesn’t sadly you have your answer

What I said was, that I am in a bit of a panic because a Hinge guy has suggested a video chat this evening. I'm so inexperienced with dating, and so terrified about everything, that this has me in a flap

I know , they all want digits too fast
I don’t know what the answer is
I tend to say can we chat here a bit more
Unless I really fancy them

I bloody hate video calls
I look awful and feel uncomfortable

I’m meant to have a date this weds

Bit asd sons is in a very bad way mentally and am a bit iffy about leaving him , he totally hates me and its draining as fuck

So as the (I like him) guy hasn’t texted me I’m going to leave it and see
If he bails , as disappointed as I’ll be , I will also be a bit relieved

Ugh single mum dating

@Thisisworsethananticpated the daft thing is that I hate texting even more than I hate the idea of a video call

Maybe I am unusual in finding this all so uncomfortable?

My ex was super emotionally abusive and I am worried that I am a bit broken now.

I feel lonely and envious of friends who are in happy relationships, not having to do it all as a single mum (like me), but I find it difficult emotionally to take even the first steps to dating

@Thisisworsethananticpated as is probably obvious from my other posts, I totally get the sense of relief you anticipate feeling

Same gelato , same abusive ex and single mum
I like all the matching and flirting and chatting
Bit when it gets real I shit myself !

I have decided today very reluctantly I need some therapy to process
I really don’t want to !!! 🙈🙈🙈 But I think I need it

@ButterflyOfShay

I’m making enquiries into the counselling service offered through my work. My family have been hurting me since before Christmas and I just feel like I want to tell every single one of them to fuck right off and leave me alone forever. I just wish they would leave me alone as they mess my MH up.

I sub consciously tell my family to fuck off all the time. I've distanced myself from my sister because I'm fed up of her leeching (she's now asking me to go to mum's with her, dates set, no negotiation on which dates, just told to me. I might go, might not, but I'm not jumping to attention, I have a job and a life outside it. Sister will also want to stay with me before she goes over to mum's but she hasn't actually asked if that's OK, just sent me dates she's away and the dates within that she's at mums. I might find myself away and the house being decorated!). And mum is whining on about how her twelve foot solid oak table has been damaged and needs to be transported to the other end of the country to be repaired. I mean, this is the definition of first world fucking problems and I DON'T CARE. Also, she's 81, just cover it with a table cloth, noone will know.

Deep breaths.

@thegreenestbear I've found this with many guys. I've taken to deleting them when I've made contact in a bid not to make a fool of myself by always being the one to initiate a conversation or a date. Unfortunately they've clearly not been that into me as they just disappear. Leave him to arrange now.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

thegreenestbear Hmm 🤔 I’d back off and let him make a move And if he doesn’t sadly you have your answer

I backed off and got my answer Not surprised really, I could see it coming.

Does anyone else find men get too excited before a first meet? The last couple I've been on and there were lots of enthusiastic messages from them beforehand and, when I tried to reign them in, they were all 'oh, you need to be more positive.'

Then we meet, I am surprised that we got on okay (bar v low) and am prepared to give it another go but they just don't want to know. I think their bar is too high so they're disappointed. Not sure why - photos etc are true to life, both said I was 'engaging' and good company but still blew me out...

@Thisisworsethananticpated oh, sorry that you have gone through this too, but good on you for powering through the fear! It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

Therapy's great - well done for recognising that it might help! My only real issue with it (especially as a single mum) is that it's so time consuming, ugh.

Incidentally, I had loads of therapy to even get through my divorce, but stopped several months ago (at the suggestion of my therapist!). My therapist basically said that I should get out there and try out dating to help learn about boundaries and to get to experience different types of people (not a euphemism).

Thisisworsethananticpated oh, sorry that you have gone through this too, but good on you for powering through the fear! It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

@gelatodipistacchio hell no, there's actually quite a few of us on here - you're in good company!

It's totally normal to feel a bit broken and find the whole dating thing difficult to navigate. Good luck with it, and keep coming here for advice / as a sounding board!