Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you everyone. I was actually wary of saying how "harsh" (in a nice way 😅) I was to him over the whole situation because on one level I should have been able to give him "space". I think it was StepCount that mentioned the difference with it being something outside of our relationship vs something inside the relationship (especially at this point). That really spoke to me, and one of the things I've liked about him is his ability to talk through things so they don't become an issue.

I was clear that I'd been on the fence all day about calling it, and that it was very close to a dealbreaker for me. I said if he needs to do it again, he will need to tell me how long he needs, what his expectations are from me, and what he feels the likely outcome will be for our relationship (i.e if it's just time out to gather himself or a serious doubt about us). He said it won't be happening again.

I also made it clear that due to feeling the most secure I had been about where we were headed earlier in the conversation, and then being completely blindsided by it, it's going to take time for me to feel secure again.

I refuse to be caught up in push / pull and I'm wary of powerplays. I don't think I did anything wrong, and have essentially told him I won't be changing asking him to stop if I'm uncomfortable and if that's going to push his buttons then we aren't going to work.

Hard conversation is over now (though didn't feel hard actually talking through it) and we were soon back to normal operation. Just going to take things slowly and keep building up other areas of my life.

We'll see!

I’m not criticising at all @InABetterPlaceNow I’m just thinking what I would have done in your situation. I think I would have left it and given him the space he asked for and if he felt he wanted to come back then I’d have left the door open as if someone says they feel they need some thinking time or a breather then fair dos. We are all entitled to that.

@InABetterPlaceNow, I’m glad that there was a good open conversation. If you can, try to have a few days now of restorative normality. What I interpret from what you share about the relationship is that you both seem very keen for it to work but that there are residual issues from past experiences knocking around in the background of each of your lives. It’s easy to say but focus for the time being on enjoying his company, hanging out doing stuff. I think Eesha has been playing a blinder with Mr Music because they seem to be focusing on building a friendship that includes intimacy and connection. Different things work for different people but sometimes (and I have absolutely been this way) sex becomes the most important factor and the fact that someone wants you physically is interpreted as ‘ oh this is amazing, they’re great’ - and they might be - but if you truly want a connection with someone I think it requires a lot more than good sex.

@ButterflyOfShay Haha, absolutely - and I would have said the same to anyone else! My initial text to him was a "Hope you had a good weekend with DD and that things start to resolve themselves with X situation". His reply was polite and wishing me the same, and I'd planned to just leave it at that point. He then came back a bit later to ask if I wanted to talk things through. It's all a learning game I think, and much harder in the moment when feelings are involved 😅

@Stepcount Agreed ☺️ We're good at all the other stuff too, the physical stuff is definitely the area there's "issues". While being great in a lot of ways. It's off the cards for a bit (in fact it was off the cards when I saw him on Thursday too as it was my time of the month) I think. As ridiculous as it sounds, our main issue is that we are both used to being the more giving one and feel like the other person will leave us if we don't please them enough. Sounds like a brilliant issue to have but it really isn't! We'll see if we can work it through. Absolutely agree with how Eesha is playing things (you rock!!).

[quote Eesha]@teesguy does she know you might be seeing others whilst sleeping with her?

@BelladiMamma you are my uber glam mumsnet twin[/quote]
🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍🤪🤪🤪

So I had 3 dates this weekend ( I am only childfree every 2 weeks so cram them in)

Friday-Mr Gym, very hot and we got on well but blatantly after sex only, and I'm not so that is that.

Saturday-Mr T we've hung out a few times get on super well, and he's a planner just like me which helps, so lets see. Super sexually compatible too.

Sunday-Mr H we went on a couple of dates in the summer, but I had a lot going on then and so it ended there. He got back in touch and I am glad he did, firstly I forgot how good looking I find him, then also he's just so open and nice to be around, no hanky panky but we kissed and the chemistry is amazing with that, I just remember that sex with him wasn't that great when we first hung out..it only happened twice though..so lets see how it goes...

@InABetterPlaceNow it sounded like a horrible 24 hours to go through. I’m glad you’re on an even keel now. I’m ancient and old-fashioned but I wonder whether, for two people who are both givers and who both have sensitive triggers, remote video sex and sexting should be off the table for now? One of the many beauties of physical intimacy is the facility to reassure, stroke, hug, use body language during sex. These just aren’t possible on video etc so painful misunderstandings can’t be soothed. Just a thought.

Roll call for dry January: day 17 and all is well here. I’ve had some testing evenings: my social hobby, two meals out, dinner at a family member’s. I was amazed how little I thought about alcohol! Sleep is fine, sweet cravings are terrible. Ate a whole bag of liquorice all sorts while watching tv last night 😂

@Badbaddog Yup agreed. Now we've talked things through like adults I think we have some good ideas on how to deal with it going forward, but for now it's off the table until we recalibrate. Think it's just going to be something that needs a lot of communication around. He's said that when we get to see each other face to face again I'm going to get the biggest squeeze, which is exactly what I need right now.

In fairness I always knew the physical side of things was going to be my biggest hurdle in any relationship. I'm fine when I don't care about the person 😅😂 I'm going to look into EMDR to see if that might be useful - I'm not sure any more talking therapy will help as I'm good with figuring out root causes, and repatterning based on that.

Anyways. Drawing a line under it now ☺️ Plenty to keep me busy this week outside of him, and now I'm clear on where we are it's much easier to put it out of my mind.

@Badbaddog Well done on dry January wins!! Over half way now!!

Inabetter great update! I hope you can both find a way to have a smoother relationship where these heavy conversations do not continue to have to take place. Having said that, your mutual ability to dissect your issues and how they affect your relationship and then carrying on building your connection must bode well.

It makes me realise how cowardly I'm being about having a conversation with Mr Favourite Place about 'us'. I've slept on it, still not feeling drawn to him like I really should be at this stage. He left a voice note about having ordered an STI test. I'm going to have to bite the bullet. Makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I'll suggest a chat tonight.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Do you definitely not want to shag him again? Got the full ick? No judgment here - I dated a guy summer 2020, practically dragged him into bed in the end, but that was it - nothing for me. Could barely look at him afterwards. Then it got really awkward and I had to tell him.

But, if not, if you do feel ok ish, just not sure, could you say let's keep things casual for now and see where it goes - i.e. take the pressure off?

May I join and get something off my chest or get some advice?

This time last year I had a break up and because of 2 other bereavements I was the lowest I have ever been- has some suicidal thoughts- (very brief and got help straight away)
I started online dating in August 2021 with the idea that it would take me a while to meet someone (A year or 2 I thought)
Well, at the end of Oct I met a really nice guy - he's funny, clever, solvent and just all round good guy. I wasn't attracted to him at first but I wasn't worried as I don't tend to find people attractive straight away- it has to grow.
I really miss him in between seeing him (it's a slow burn as he has 50/50 custody so it's week on/week off) and both of us seperately had Covid so that took some weeks out too. I like meeting him in pubs etc and going on dates but when we go to each others places (he is coming tonight) I get so nervous and want to run away.
I have toyed with finishing it as I think I maybe started dating a bit too soon but I keep having the feeling that I would be letting something really good go. When I don't see him, I look forward to seeing him but then on the day, I feel so anxious. Anyone had similar/ got any advice?

Are you mistaking anxiety for excitement perhaps?

@Badbaddog

Are you mistaking anxiety for excitement perhaps?

I don't think so - I always have a great date and come home feeling really happy- its almost like I have been through so much in such a short time that it feels like one thing too much

@WeWantTheFinestWines Thank you! Urgh I'm hoping we can put the heavy talks behind us too 😂

Good luck with talking it through! Is it definitely not something that could grow do you think? I agree with Van that perhaps keeping things casual if you just aren't sure?

@Stepcount @InABetterPlaceNow thanks guys though not really sure I deserve the compliment. Honestly I think what's made a huge difference to my relationship is my partner has done years of work on himself so he was in a really good position to date. He only wanted a companion and got this! My ex dated within weeks of splitting with me and that meant repeating the same mistakes. We are certainly well matched and I'm just hoping it works out.

In other news, covid has entered the household. One child down....

inabetter and vangogh if he was up for it, I would shag him again. I don't fancy him hugely but it was pretty good and I've missed sex. I may frame the conversation as - it's not fair on you if we keep sleeping together when I'm not feeling an emotional connection if you are - and then see what he says. He may surprise me...

@curmudgeonly007 and @ibelieveinmirrorballs.
I don't blame the poor fella for adding on some inches but it clearly has my height on my profile so why would you even bother . 10 out 10 for effort though, I really liked him and if he hadn't have lied I would've given him a chance

@Inthesameboatatmo
Without meaning to sound rude, you possibly wouldn’t have even gone on a date with the guy in the 1st place if his true height was listed.

It’s like me saying I’m only going to date women sized 14 and over, that might be my preference, but I’m open minded to the fact that someone slimmer might be miss right.

But saying the above, most women are shorter than me, so what the fuck do I know about it anyway.

@Badbaddog flying high and staying dry here too, I can safely say my drinking days are behind me, feeling so much better in so many ways.. in control at long last. Many congrats to you - we should be proud of ourselves 😁😁

My date with MrMind on Sunday was great.

He was relaxed and funny and charming and we had a lot in common, the time went really quickly. We shared a kiss at the end which was really really lovely.
We are spending the day together doing an activity for date number 2 tomorrow!

It's almost too good so far. I'm not sure whether that's me, but I'm conscious that he hasn't had much dating experience since his wife died so I don't want to be some sort of rebound.
He is also very complimentary and I wonder if it's verging on the realms of love bombing....but on the other hand he does seem like a thoroughly decent guy in every way.

I know from previous experience that I can be a bit slow to pick up on and react to red flags...

It’s like me saying I’m only going to date women sized 14 and over

That’s a sentence I don’t often hear 😁

know from previous experience that I can be a bit slow to pick up on and react to red flags...

What red flags 🚩 did you miss in the past ?
At least you won’t miss them second time around 🙂

ButterflyOfShay

Well done , I drank sat even and felt so low and sad and shit Sunday
Why

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@Badbaddog flying high and staying dry here too, I can safely say my drinking days are behind me, feeling so much better in so many ways.. in control at long last. Many congrats to you - we should be proud of ourselves 😁😁[/quote]
Too right, I’m extraordinarily proud of us!