Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

When in doubt , do nowt
That said If you don’t reply after a night of sex
There’s a message in that anyway x

[quote Eesha]@WeWantTheFinestWines I actually think Mr Favourite Place sounds lovely. I think you'd be hard pushed to find someone so good. Is he really an outright no?[/quote]
I'm with @eesha. Is it maybe the headspace that you're in which means you're holding back / can't really unlock feelings?

@Eesha

I think if you have the ick after sex, then don't bother

Oh no! Have now RTFT and once again I agree with @Eesha

Basically I'm going to stop posting at all and everyone can assume that I would have the same opinion as her 😜🤪

@WeWantTheFinestWines It's really hard when the other person wants something different to you but do what's right for you not what's right for Mr Favourite Place. I've spent too much of my life doing what I think other people want me to do rather than staying true to myself. It's easier said than done though!

Had my youngest DD with me this weekend, but she went to friends last night so I popped to see MsCycling for a couple of hours. Had a nice evening but think we need a date away from our homes to see how we get on without ending up naked

Got a couple of other chats in the early days. One is probably too far away but we have a lot in common and have agreed to meet up. The other is too early to say whether it's going anywhere. I'm still not 100% comfortable chatting with multiple irons at the same time, but also don't want to just end up dating someone because it is easy to do so.

Just catching up with the thread. @WeWantTheFinestWines - I feel for you, it feels like the most annoying thing to have someone that you feel you should feel more for, but you just don't. Do you think it might be that he's so clearly keen on you, that it doesn't feel as though there's room for your tentativeness? I don't really understand my own reactions to that, but I don't tend to like it when it's very clear that someone is definitely really wanting things to move forward. In fact it's possibly a bit messed up. Having said that, with MrM although he has been consistent and reliable, I've never felt like his feelings were out of sync with mine and when I do feel that someone's being overly keen too early on, I find it off-putting. After all, you don't really know each other that well. Could it be the pressure of him already telling friends etc, that is somehow making it feel under pressure to feel more certain this is what you want?

@InABetterPlaceNow I hope you're feeling better today - has there been any more discussion about it? These early stages of a relationship all feel so fraught as we start to encounter bumps in the road and ultimately we don't have any historic examples to know things are going to be okay, or whether the incident will irrevocably change things.

@Ofalltheginjoints hope the first date went well! It is nerve wracking but the more you do it the easier it becomes

Just back from another lovely weekend with MrM; had the best time yet again.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Thank you for asking. I'm miserable honestly. Radio silence from him. Which is fine, he's got DD this weekend so won't have had time to "think". I'm seriously considering just ending things though. He's always been the one to say we should work through problems together etc then he decides he needs to step away the moment he gets triggered. It's seriously damaged things for me to be told it over text too.

I'll see if he decides to ask for a proper conversation over the next few days, but if not I might just say I'm out. I really liked him and thought we had something worthwhile but his actions here say he's not on the same page.

Well that went quite well, was out for just over 3 hours and he was lovely to talk to, very interesting but I'm not sure there was a spark there still it's reassured me I can do this and might see him again

I'm really sorry to hear that. Sorry if I'm a bit confused, but is it that he was being suggestive over video call, and when you asked him to stop he felt upset by that?

I struggle with the 'wanting space' as it can trigger memories of being given the silent treatment (thank you exH) but of course we're all entitled to want time to think and not necessarily to work through all our feelings in real time with that other person.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Yup pretty much that. I get it, and the other stuff in his life will be playing in to him being more vulnerable right now. I don't know, I'm just very confused. I agree with the having a right to work through feelings not in real time (and that it's potentially triggering silent treatment memories re ex).

Uck I just don't know. Time will tell I suppose. Not going to rush into anything but I don't have a great feeling about where things are heading based on the messages.

@WeWantTheFinestWines ahh disappointing to see that you’ve not felt that click that’s needed, do you think it’s worth meeting up once more and doing something fun just to see before you tell him? He does sound sweet, would be a shame to throw it away unless youre 100000% certain?
@InABetterPlaceNow sorry to hear you’re having a rough time, hope it somehow sorts itself out, horrid to go from feeling so close to this silence 😔 x

Hope everyone else is well and had a lovely weekend. I’ve been out walking in the countryside it’s been gorgeous 🥰

@InABetterPlaceNow, I too am a little confused but I appreciate you don’t want to be too specific. Did he say that your reaction had made him feel a certain way based on how his ex used to react to him? How recently has he come out of a relationship? I’m not asking you to specify what triggered both of you but if something that unsettling is happening so early in the relationship it seems to me that he’s not necessarily in the right place to date. I think even if you both decide that you want to go forward from here it’s going to have shaken things up a bit. I cited my hiatus with Mr V early on but his was completely unconnected to our budding relationship and totally to do with practical issues in his life. After we reconnected though it took quite some time for me to feel totally secure in the relationship as it had shown me a type of behaviour that he was capable of. Someone else mentioned miles on the relationship clock where the longer you are together the more history you have to reference when things crop up. Remember in all of this it’s your life and whatever you do make sure it’s good for you.

@ButterflyOfShay Thank you ❤️

@Stepcount Yup, I think this might be a fundamental incompatibility. Then again there IS some serious stuff going on in his life which I think made things a lot worse. No idea if it was triggered by ex stuff for him, most likely but all I have is a few texts. He'd been single about 8 months before we started dating.

I think that's going to be the key thing. If this turns out to be a month break then that's half of our time together 🙄

Fully expecting him to come back and say he can't do this right now. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. I don't know if I want to be trying to rebuild trust in him at this stage. We'd had a fairly solid foundation which was really important to me, and now that feels totally screwed.

Had a nice evening but think we need a date away from our homes to see how we get on without ending up naked

Some people are never happy
Has she said she only wants sex ?

Thanks for all your thoughts, I really would be lost without this thread.

We've exchanged voice notes today so there's been no ignoring, and we both slept badly so having a low key day. I think I'll sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow and then be brave.

Inabetter I really hope things work out for you, you've had such great comms throughout.

@WeWantTheFinestWines Thank you ❤️ I'd love for it to figure itself out (or rather for us to figure it out). Sigh.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Had a nice evening but think we need a date away from our homes to see how we get on without ending up naked

Some people are never happy
Has she said she only wants sex ?

Haha.....nope, we both just said we were looking to date and see what happens......

@WeWantTheFinestWines

backon definitely worth giving it a bit longer as he sounds like a great catch.

I think I will, hopefully the spark comes further than the line .

@gelatodipistacchio
I was thinking about your comment about age today and it suddenly dawned on that now I’m 50 + my dating value has plummeted in the last couple of years, likes and message etc have really dropped off, quiet a few of the people I spoke to this year (around my age), don’t really seem to want anything to do with 50+ men.
I’ve also noticed it on this forum in general (although the demographic is probably a bit younger? ), any references to “older” men normally bring a chorus of derogatory comments as well, oh well ho hum, once things are sorted with ms W, I don’t think I’ll bother dating anymore

@teesguy does she know you might be seeing others whilst sleeping with her?

@BelladiMamma you are my uber glam mumsnet twin

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Thanks for all your thoughts, I really would be lost without this thread.

We've exchanged voice notes today so there's been no ignoring, and we both slept badly so having a low key day. I think I'll sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow and then be brave.

Inabetter I really hope things work out for you, you've had such great comms throughout.

I think that's wise to sleep on it. Hopefully you have a clearer head to deal with it

@curmudgeonly007 I don't think you should be losing hope. I'm 44 and would have dated men in their 50s. I guess here they are describing older men who act much older whereas I think people want to feel like they are dating someone a bit dynamic (male or female)

@curmudgeonly007 gosh, I'm sorry! That wasn't my intention at all, and I really don't think that you should take it as such.

My issue is that I am 41 and I want to date someone age appropriate (which to me is within about 5 years of my age). However, I think that men usually filter out women their own age because most men feel they are entitled to someone young and hot, and perhaps they want kids or whatever.

If I were in my 50s, I would be explicitly looking for a man in his 50s - though as Eesha says, I think it's important for a man (or anyone really) not to become old at heart.

@curmudgeonly007

Ps what do you mean when you say women your age you have spoken to recently don't want men your age? What do they want in the alternative?

@curmudgeonly007 I don’t think age is that much of a factor - I’m 51 and although things definitely change in terms of matches as you get older, there are still plenty of women and men out there who ARE searching for people in their own age bracket. My search was for something like 44-55 although I did meet one 59 year old.

Points of attraction for me are far more about being fit/healthy and having a positive outlook on life because I’m looking for someone to enjoy life and have adventures with.

[quote teesguy]@WeWantTheFinestWines It's really hard when the other person wants something different to you but do what's right for you not what's right for Mr Favourite Place. I've spent too much of my life doing what I think other people want me to do rather than staying true to myself. It's easier said than done though!

Had my youngest DD with me this weekend, but she went to friends last night so I popped to see MsCycling for a couple of hours. Had a nice evening but think we need a date away from our homes to see how we get on without ending up naked

Got a couple of other chats in the early days. One is probably too far away but we have a lot in common and have agreed to meet up. The other is too early to say whether it's going anywhere. I'm still not 100% comfortable chatting with multiple irons at the same time, but also don't want to just end up dating someone because it is easy to do so.[/quote]
Sounds like you definitely have the sexual compatibility box ticked off already ;)