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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

997 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 11/01/2022 20:41

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 12:04

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Listen to your gut Don’t overthink and most critically don’t blame yourself If you don’t fancy him you don’t fancy him That’s chemistry and not your fault

You're right, of course. Thank you.

gelatodipistacchio · 16/01/2022 12:05

@WeWantTheFinestWines i think we have all been there! It's so frustrating when something seems like it should be right, but it just doesn't feel right.

Eesha · 16/01/2022 12:10

I think if you have the ick after sex, then don't bother

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/01/2022 12:12

Look if we fancied everyone that fancied us this thread and old wouldn’t exist ! I’d probably be long term married to that nice chap I met when I was 21😂

We are strange weird and complex mammals

Ain’t we just

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 12:16

LOLthisisworse!

I'm going to have to tell him. He's so excited to have met me and has been talking to friends about me. How do I tell him? What do I say? Argh!!!

Ofalltheginjoints · 16/01/2022 12:34

I have a first date in 30 minutes with Mr NFL, it's been 7 years since I last had a first date so feeling very nervous!

It's very casual just a coffee so nothing major?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/01/2022 12:43

Well you could ghost him (only joking !!)

Tell him you don’t have the same feelings and it’s best to end it now before anyone gets hurt

Or
Tell him your heart is somewhere else

Or (someone gave me this line )
I thing we are on different paths and need different things

Daydreamscometrue · 16/01/2022 12:49

@WeWantTheFinestWines - I've encountered this with many men over the years. You know they are nice, decent guys but there just isn't that spark.

Badbaddog · 16/01/2022 12:49

Best of luck @Ofalltheginjoints, try to just think of it as a pleasant chat, not a ‘date’ - it’s a date zero.

@WeWantTheFinestWines how frustrating, but yes you need to be open and honest with him, sooner rather than later. And 100% clear: not friends.

I have this situation with a friend of 40 years standing. He has always been in love with me and I’m hugely fond of him, but I do not fancy him and never have. I really wish I did 😢. The friendship continues as a source of mutual support, much-needed on his side right now, but it would have definitely been better for him if we had ceased being friends when I turned him down 37 years ago. He would have eventually gone all in with someone else, instead of making a half-hearted and frankly disastrous attempt at marriage to a friend of mine.

Daydreamscometrue · 16/01/2022 12:50

@Ofalltheginjoints - Good luck! Let us know how you get on!

SortingItOut · 16/01/2022 13:32

@curmudgeonly007 When you enter the sex club from the main entrance it just feels like a bar/club, big bar area with seats, some stools and tables, a few sofas.
All very normal, then you go through the arch and its typical sex club - jacuzzi/pool, huge beds, smaller beds, glory holes, all lit up nicely and not screaming seedy at all.
It was all much more polite and much nicer than normal clubs at weekends in terms of the people.

The hotel is linked to the sex club by a corridor, normal sort of independent looking hotel, I think it has 8 - 10 rooms, nice and clean, big bathrooms, nice decor in the bedrooms,the foyer and corridors/stairs slightly old fashioned decorating wise but not dirty. No receptionist, you ring up when you arrive to get the door code and let yourself in and go to your room where the key is left in the door. All very trusting.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Single women are allowed on most nights, single men numbers strictly limited and again only occasionally, mainly its couples.
If you can't find an open minded man you could go alone or join Fabswingers and find a couple who would take you under your wing at the club.
I’d need a diet , wax , blow dry , spray tan , week of non stop exercise and some decent sexy gear to even contemplate attending
Honestly you don't, people were all ages and all sizes. When I went the oldest were probably in their 70's and they just played together and the youngest were in their 20's with most in their 30/40/early 50's.
In terms of size there were some size 6 or 8's (at a guess) but most were 12 - 16, a few were 20+.
No tanning needed as its soft lighting, my outfit was from lovehoney and was pretty cheap.
No one judged anyone, everyone was there doing their own thing. I found it so liberating, I'd definitely go again.

SortingItOut · 16/01/2022 13:33

@WeWantTheFinestWines If you would like FWB could you suggest that when you speak to him and see where he is at?

InABetterPlaceNow · 16/01/2022 13:34

Thank you everyone. Still trying to sort out my feelings on this. You're right, I was absolutely in my right to stop things.

What frustrates me I think is that I apologised after and he repeatedly told me I had nothing to say sorry for. However I could tell he wasn't OK. Then it wasn't until the next morning, via text, that he admitted to how badly he'd been hurt. I've been so open with him as things have come up for me and talked them through with him (at his request) but the moment something big comes up for him, he hid it and then backed off. Sigh.

I feel completely blindsided. I've been 100% F Yeah about him up to this point and now I'm having serious doubts. I'm unsure if I can move past this.

The space will be good for me too I suppose 😞

backonthedatingtrain · 16/01/2022 13:45

@WeWantTheFinestWines

So Mr Favourite Place has just left. We had sex, which was lovely. He is great in so many ways - a feminist, very aware and respectful of boundaries, checking in, making sure I'm ok. He had brought condoms and suggested STI tests, which is fab. We got drunk and silly and I felt safe and that I could trust him. But I still haven't felt the spark that I need. I should be feeling all giddy now, but in fact I was really ready for him to go. I'm not excited about the situation at all and I really should be after two dates and then spending almost 24 hours together. We didn't really talk about how we felt. He continues to be really into me, and as he really is a good guy I want to be into him too. But I hardly dare admit to myself that I'm not really bothered whether I see him again or not. He just feels like a friend. He would be perfect for a FWB situation, but I wouldn't know how to even bring that up. I have to tell him how I feel - or don't feel - don't I? Otherwise it's not fair on him, right? So disappointing. I really thought sleeping with him might give me the feels.
I don't really have any pearls of wisdom but you have described my current situation. Two dates in with an iron who is lovely, kind , respectful , consistent with communication etc but I don't feel the spark. We have kissed but not done anything else . He's everything I look for on paper so far but I feel like it won't bother me if I don't see him again. I don't know what to do
curmudgeonly007 · 16/01/2022 14:00

@WeWantTheFinestWines
I think I’m in the same place as you, Ms W is a certainly in FWB land, the sex with her good, ( and she wanted to go without as well, so we got STI tests), do I want to be in a ‘relationship’ with her, No, so where does that leave us ?, a bit stuck really, I’m trying to pullback from ms W right now and go back to more ‘F’ and less ‘B’, which is easier for me as she is so far away

Good luck its a head fuck,

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 14:13

[quote curmudgeonly007]@WeWantTheFinestWines
I think I’m in the same place as you, Ms W is a certainly in FWB land, the sex with her good, ( and she wanted to go without as well, so we got STI tests), do I want to be in a ‘relationship’ with her, No, so where does that leave us ?, a bit stuck really, I’m trying to pullback from ms W right now and go back to more ‘F’ and less ‘B’, which is easier for me as she is so far away

Good luck its a head fuck,[/quote]

Does she want to be in a relationship with you? The real headfuck for me is that we're on completely different pages and I'm pretty sure he'll be hurt by my lack of interest in moving things forward. Sounds like you're right to pull back from Ms W as she does not seem a long term prospect and you are so far apart.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 14:15

backon it's so difficult isn't it? Letting a good one go because it's just not right. What do you think you are going to do?

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 14:19

[quote SortingItOut]@WeWantTheFinestWines If you would like FWB could you suggest that when you speak to him and see where he is at?[/quote]
I wouldn't even know how to bring that up! "I like you, but something's missing for me, so I don't see this going anywhere romantically, but shall we carry on having sex?" I just don't know what to say or how, so I'm currently avoiding responding to his latest message, which is really mature...

backonthedatingtrain · 16/01/2022 14:28

@WeWantTheFinestWines

backon it's so difficult isn't it? Letting a good one go because it's just not right. What do you think you are going to do?
I think I am going to carry on seeing him and give it a bit more time .he has the all the important qualities I want in a partner which is so hard to find . The physical stuff can come with time . I hope I am doing the right thing.
Rosewaterblossom · 16/01/2022 15:11

Hi everyone,

I've started dating again with no success so far. I joined Bumble but find the choice limited. My "likes" from men are usually men from miles away. My settings are on for my distance preference but I guess there's aren't.

Like Match but don't like the idea of signing up for a 3/6 month subscription because I've found it's the same old people with the odd new
person join.

Is POF still quite a hook up site? Not sure If I want to join again..

curmudgeonly007 · 16/01/2022 15:45

@WeWantTheFinestWines
You know you can’t ignore him.
From what you have posted, I suspect he is looking for more than some kinda FWB setup.

SortingItOut · 16/01/2022 15:55

@WeWantTheFinestWines why can't you say that?
'I had a really great time last night, I'm not wanting a full relationship but would be up for friends for benefits. How would you feel about that?'

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 16:03

[quote SortingItOut]@WeWantTheFinestWines why can't you say that?
'I had a really great time last night, I'm not wanting a full relationship but would be up for friends for benefits. How would you feel about that?'[/quote]
I have a feeling he'd be insulted that I just wanted him for sex. Tbh, if I really liked someone and they suggested that, I'd probably feel hurt.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 16:05

backon definitely worth giving it a bit longer as he sounds like a great catch.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 16/01/2022 16:09

I definitely can't ignore him. I'd prefer to have a f2f conversation but he's back home now, 2 hours away. Seems wrong to do it on the phone, but just a message would surely be callous. I'm now feeling anxious about having to tell him. Also, I got practically no sleep last night so my head's a bit foggy.