Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Thisisworsethananticpated Thanks for letting me know you filed it away, I was wondering what I'd said and then @BelladiMamma asked which was handy.

Its sometimes difficult to find people who've been to clubs and to find out their experience.

I went to Vanilla Alternative in Bedfordshire and during Covid (outside of 1st and 2nd lockdown) they changed their outside area into a jacuzzi/hang out area with no contact.
However they have a hotel on site so if you had a room back and took someone their that was your own choice.
From reading Fabswingers forums I know that lots of couples went during this time but mainly just for the social side as they had all made friends over the years and met up at clubs so wanted to continue doing that.
Last time I looked they were fully open, I'm not sure I'd go at the moment with Covid so rife (even though I've had it twice)

@Daydreamscometrue

Please can I join the meet up? I'm a local!

We've set up a WhatsApp group for the meet, if you message me direct I can add you

@gelatodipistacchio What sites are you on?
Some people on here will offer to review your profile if that would help?

I do agree that a lot of men in their 40's want women in their 30's so they may have excluded you already but there are some decent men out there.

@SortingItOut
That place is a sex club, no-bloody-way, I’ve driven and ridden past that place hundreds of times, just thought it was a slightly run down (sorry)old Hotel…, I’ve done training courses at location a few miles north as well.at the lakes, well, I’m flabbergasted..

@curmudgeonly007 The sex club is out of sight of the road, the hotel part which you can see looks run down (dirt and spray from the road doesn't help) but inside its nice. Its not 5* hotel obviously but perfectly fine for an overnight stay while using the club.

@SortingItOut
Well blow me down, I’m a regular user the A1 and have been for 20 or more years, and would never have guessed that ! Not in a million years , there used to be an “adult book store “, along there as well, a converted Little Chef IIRC, wonder if they still do an Olympic breakfast?

What’s it like inside?

@curmudgeonly007 The sex club or the hotel?

Either, mind is blown now
I’m never going look at that place the same way now

all of the men seem weird or desperate or overly old. Or all of the above

What site are you on ? And is your profile fairly lighthearted ? Good photos etc

I’m 48 and I’m open about the fact I have kids and stuff

I’m mainly matching with other single dads in the 45-55 age bracket , or sometimes younger

My philosophy is I’m great 🙂 so there has to be other male equivalent of me out there
Being single isn’t a flaw , an issue or an indicator or anything negative

But I’d say my profile doesn’t read like im looking for a LTR , which maybe helps

Im now on hinge and I think it’s the best of all so far
Tinder is really overwhelming

But this thread has helped me learn , and also my mental attitude is better this time
I don’t really care !

SortingItOut

Happy to help ! God knows if I’d actually gonad would need an open minded male to come with me
But , it’s an exciting idea to ponder
And the fact you are nice and switched in helps me rationalise it

I’d need a diet , wax , blow dry , spray tan , week of non stop exercise and some decent sexy gear to even contemplate attending

Inabetter sorry you're having a difficult time, and that traumas are rearing their heads and causing a rift, albeit hopefully temporary. I agree with pp that you are 100% within your rights to not do anything you're uncomfortable with. Sounds like his reaction was not respectful of your boundaries but there was obviously a significant trigger there that he couldn't quite control. I hope you manage to sort things out.

So Mr Favourite Place has just left. We had sex, which was lovely. He is great in so many ways - a feminist, very aware and respectful of boundaries, checking in, making sure I'm ok. He had brought condoms and suggested STI tests, which is fab. We got drunk and silly and I felt safe and that I could trust him. But I still haven't felt the spark that I need. I should be feeling all giddy now, but in fact I was really ready for him to go. I'm not excited about the situation at all and I really should be after two dates and then spending almost 24 hours together. We didn't really talk about how we felt. He continues to be really into me, and as he really is a good guy I want to be into him too. But I hardly dare admit to myself that I'm not really bothered whether I see him again or not. He just feels like a friend. He would be perfect for a FWB situation, but I wouldn't know how to even bring that up. I have to tell him how I feel - or don't feel - don't I? Otherwise it's not fair on him, right? So disappointing. I really thought sleeping with him might give me the feels.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I actually think Mr Favourite Place sounds lovely. I think you'd be hard pushed to find someone so good. Is he really an outright no?

WeWantTheFinestWines

You can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs 🥚
Don’t overthink and be too hard on yourself abiut how you feel ok x

Had a great weekend with Mr Music, pretty perfect really.

@InABetterPlaceNow sorry you are going through this. I don't think it sounds like it's the end, you just both have always sounded like massive overthinkers so perhaps need to take a breather then revisit again

He is lovely Esha! And he's local, and we have friends in common, and he's keen. I just fundamentally don't seem to fancy him. I really really want to, but just can't seem to get there. I want to kick myself for potentially saying goodbye to a lovely bloke, but if the feelings aren't there by now...😥

@Thisisworsethananticpated

WeWantTheFinestWines

You can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs 🥚
Don’t overthink and be too hard on yourself abiut how you feel ok x

I sent him home with eggs as well 😆

Thank you x

@WeWantTheFinestWines have you met someone you have had that real spark with though? I just think good blokes are hard to find at times so worth keeping hold of. I'm a romantic though!

WeWantTheFinestWines

When I started this malarkey I read ‘women who love too much’ and attended the freedom programme a couple of years ago
So I also really overthink this fancying and lust
Am I only lustful about the bastards and tricky ones ?
Should I stick with the nice guys and give them a chance etc

Maybe you have some of this going around in your head ? It’s so hard isn’t it

@Thisisworsethananticpated my friends are pretty much all married to decent, nice blokes and I really like that. A couple have gone for lust etc and it's been a mess. Its not always like this but I would always say give good guys a chance

I know eesha ! Mine (mostly ) are the same

Right now I’m not interested in husbands
Mainly because I have a very challenging and autistic son and he and his sibling need more attention than I can spare
But it’s worth reading this as I don’t want to target bastards for FWB either

@curmudgeonly007 to be fair, I am definitely weird and old. But not desperate - maybe that's my problem!

I have profiles on Tinder and Hinge. I created a Match profile a while back but I truly hated it.

Maybe my heart is just not in it. I don't know. I'm a bit worried that I am too comfortable with my own company and that I will become increasingly weird and uncompromising if I don't try opening myself up to other people and relationships more.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think that my profiles are reasonably light-hearted! I'm definitely not looking to get married or anything like that! More like a male companion with whom to do fun stuff, who also could fix things for me sometimes. My main issue I think is that I tend to either have zero interest or to be fully invested (I have only felt fully invested two or three times in my life)

@SortingItOut
Maybe I should share them with someone, though that's a bit scary

@WeWantTheFinestWines not that you asked me but I would just trust your gut. Maybe you are intuitively sensing that something isn't quite compatible between you. Speaking for myself, I have always regretted pushing ahead with a relationship when my heart wasn't fully in it.

[quote Eesha]@WeWantTheFinestWines have you met someone you have had that real spark with though? I just think good blokes are hard to find at times so worth keeping hold of. I'm a romantic though![/quote]

Anyone I've ever gone out with on any level, I've always had a physical attraction to, wanting to be close to them, and wanting them to want to be close to me, iyswim. I know those things fade with time, but if you never really have it, what the difference between them and a friend? I've got a little bit of an ick with this one, and I'm not sure I can get past that.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@curmudgeonly007 to be fair, I am definitely weird and old. But not desperate - maybe that's my problem!

I have profiles on Tinder and Hinge. I created a Match profile a while back but I truly hated it.

Maybe my heart is just not in it. I don't know. I'm a bit worried that I am too comfortable with my own company and that I will become increasingly weird and uncompromising if I don't try opening myself up to other people and relationships more.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think that my profiles are reasonably light-hearted! I'm definitely not looking to get married or anything like that! More like a male companion with whom to do fun stuff, who also could fix things for me sometimes. My main issue I think is that I tend to either have zero interest or to be fully invested (I have only felt fully invested two or three times in my life)

@SortingItOut
Maybe I should share them with someone, though that's a bit scary

@WeWantTheFinestWines not that you asked me but I would just trust your gut. Maybe you are intuitively sensing that something isn't quite compatible between you. Speaking for myself, I have always regretted pushing ahead with a relationship when my heart wasn't fully in it.[/quote]

Sadly I think you're right. My gut is trying to tell me something and I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and going lalalalaaa because I want things to be different.

Listen to your gut
Don’t overthink and most critically don’t blame yourself
If you don’t fancy him you don’t fancy him
That’s chemistry and not your fault