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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

997 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 11/01/2022 20:41

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
BelladiMamma · 15/01/2022 17:32

@InABetterPlaceNow so sorry to read this. Very often, if I've started to develop the next phase of feelings for MrD it's been literally like falling through air with nothing to hold onto and not knowing where or how I'm going to land.

It helps that we have the same sense of humour and also a fairly robust approach to our own lives, a bit of a feck 'em attitude to anyone who's hurt us. That's also alongside a real vulnerability that he's shown to me and that I feel privileged to witness. The whole thing is scary, isn't it?

I sincerely hope that this is really just a 'take two' moment for you and MrT and you get back to your positive track soon.

Sending you 💕 and good 🍀 wishes

Heartbeats0708 · 15/01/2022 18:06

Sorry to hear this development @InABetterPlaceNow I hope you've not had a horribly sad day. I think you've got a really good perspective on it though in terms of using this time for yourself as well, to make sure you feel like you can work through it too. It has to work for both of you!
Just wanted to echo @SortingItOut though that it's for this exact reason I waited (just over) 6 months before introducing Mr D to my DC. I was sorely tempted around the 10wk/3m mark, but I hung on and lo and behold we had a 'blip'. It both sealed my feelings for him, after we resolved it like adults, but also made me realise how fragile early relationships can be. My DC are small and only you know how yours would handle it though.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 15/01/2022 19:15

"Loo" update from house sitting visit. He is so open about liking and fancying me and I don't think I fancy him as much as he does me We're doing some nice kissing though. I don't know. Further updates will follow.

BelladiMamma · 15/01/2022 19:20

Saturday night loo updates are the best @WeWantTheFinestWines

Thank you for keeping us all entertained ❤️🥰❤️

InABetterPlaceNow · 15/01/2022 19:28

Thank you so much everyone ❤️ You really are the best bunch.

@SortingItOut Yup, maybe this is why I’m “OK” rather than tail spinning. I’d been very careful before starting dating that my life felt like it was “enough” and I’ve been continuing to develop it while I’ve been with him. Sooo glad I joined the gym, roll on Monday as the machines are going to take a pounding 😂

Exactly that. I’ve learnt an insane amount in a short time which has been overwhelming in some ways so part of me is thankful for some time out I suppose. It’s really silly, but he’s even taught me to hug better. Which means my kids have been coming in for more hugs. He’s also raised my bar incredibly in a lot of ways so if I’m back on the dating apps in a few months (I’ll take some time out first) I’m going to be even more picky 😅

Re the kids meeting, if we do sort things out I’m going to have serious words about “SEE! This is why I said to wait!!”. Though to be fair, that part was driven by me last night - my kids are old enough to be aware that I’m dating and that MrT was a significant development. My middle teen said last night that she knows I want to wait to introduce them, but that a one off meet so they can get an idea of him wouldn’t cause them to get attached and I can still wait longer before they start to see him a lot and build a relationship with him. No idea where she got that wisdom from 🙄

@BelladiMamma Thank you ❤️ He was extremely vulnerable in his sharing today which at least shows he trusted me. He definitely doesn’t have a f’em attitude though and I knew that he was more fragile than he lets on. So this doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m a little peeved in one sense as I’ve been dealing with all the trauma stuff as it comes and haven’t backed out… actually that’s a lie, I did need to take an evening once but I came straight back the next morning and had said I just need an evening. This feels very open ended and like he might decide it’s just too much. We’ll see.

@Heartbeats0708 Yup, keeping myself busy and will see how it works out. We’ll see how it gets resolved (for better or worse) and I’ll rethink the kids thing.

Uck I’m just so incredibly sad. There’s one bit of one text where he explained how he felt about last night feel and it’s awful. It’s absolutely his own trauma speaking, and I know well enough to know he needs to own and resolve it himself but but it’s hard to know I was the trigger to make someone feel that way.

We’ll either come back stronger from this, or it’s time to part ways. All I can do is wait and see! Feels very strange not to be able to send him random stuff though. Will have to lean on here, and the rest of my support network.

InABetterPlaceNow · 15/01/2022 19:30

@WeWantTheFinestWines

"Loo" update from house sitting visit. He is so open about liking and fancying me and I don't think I fancy him as much as he does me We're doing some nice kissing though. I don't know. Further updates will follow.
Oooh! Hope you have the best time!! Looking forward to further updates!
Daydreamscometrue · 15/01/2022 19:48

@WeWantTheFinestWines - love the update and the fact he's a good kisser :). Looking forward to hearing more!

Bangheadhere40 · 15/01/2022 19:54

That's great - have a lovely evening 😀

InABetterPlaceNow · 15/01/2022 20:39

Sorry to come back on and post again. I'm struggling a bit. Sadness is rolling in and waiting for kids to go to bed and have a good sob.

To try to explain what happened, I had performance anxiety when he was doing something on video call - not x rated but suggestive - I didn't know what to do with myself to make HIM happy. We've even had the conversation before in hindsight, and he doesn't need me to do anything. I asked him to stop because I was too much in my head about it and he took it really harshly.

How do I fix that side of myself? If we decide to work on things I think it's still going to be an issue. The only way I can see is communication, but even though we've had the grown up stuff around it he needs space. So clearly it's a potential dealbreaker.

I can't see more therapy helping. I know why I feel that way. It's part of me, and I'm slowly unpicking and rewiring. I could talk to a partner and explain why I'm weird and understand their expectations but he obviously doesn't want anymore talks right now.

When I save up money I might do EMDR and see if that helps?

On the other hand maybe this is for him to work through and I just need to see if he's able to do that.

SortingItOut · 15/01/2022 20:48

I might be misunderstanding here but if you felt uncomfortable/not quite in the right head space about something you are quite within your rights to speak up.
If he saw that as a slight/or was embarassed/or he thought it was awkward that is 100% on him.

Just because you talked about a similar situation before and he told you what to do to make him happy doesn't mean you cant do or say something different.

SortingItOut · 15/01/2022 20:50

It sounds like you are overthinking completely and trying to accept blame when no one is to blame.
There will always be triggers in relationships and we have to deal with them in a grown up way. Sounds like his way is asking for space to get his head sorted. Your way is to talk it through - neither of you are wrong.

InABetterPlaceNow · 15/01/2022 20:56

Thank you ❤️ That's really helpful. If I've judged him right, we'll have a face to face conversation about it when he's ready, even if it's a "we're calling it" one.

I didn't think I was "wrong" but it's good to get some perspective. I can see how it hurt him, but I can't do all the work. Will be interesting to see what he figures out while taking space I suppose.

ReturnOfTheBunk · 15/01/2022 21:19

@InABetterPlaceNow

Sorry for the situation - I agree with pps, I’d take time for some self-care for you right now (and put the phone in a drawer).

If you feel rubbish that’s ok, don’t try to avoid that.

If you’re working from home I’d try to get out and do stuff so it’s not just “you and your thoughts”.

I’m very similar in that I’m a “certainty seeker” and will try to over-analyse situations to the max

The ability to hyper-focus and run through multiple scenarios and predict problems simultaneously in our heads is a great skill if you’re in science or tech, not so great in matters of the heart! 😬🤣

I also think getting over past trauma can be so hard - naturally we’re “catastrophising” and looking for the worst possible scenario and afraid of the consequences?

when really if you break up with someone you’re seeing as an adult without blended lives it’s quite sad but not a big deal?

Keep posting here if you need to let off steam.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/01/2022 21:37

I had performance anxiety when he was doing something on video call - not x rated but suggestive
Be careful there , you are a grown up
But he shouldn’t sulk over something like that

InABetterPlaceNow · 15/01/2022 21:39

Thank you @ReturnOfTheBunk. Haha yup the way my brain works is awesome for my job (tech related) but absolutely not in this scenario.

Ridiculously I wouldn't be so scared of "labels" after this. Part of me was worried about admitting things didn't work - now I've already had to tell a few people, eh, things might not work out, and nothing terrible has happened just support.

Better to find out we're not going to work now rather than later for sure. It's highlighting a huge area for me to address though. I want to be able to fix everything by myself. In a relationship, that's not possible. I need to let the other person sort their own shit and meet me halfway.

Hah. I wish I could put my phone in a drawer. I need to to reach other support though. Which means I can see he's been on WA throughout the day... just not talking to me. Which is fine. I'll stop checking. It is what it is.

I'll honestly be fine if this is the end. He's made a big mark on my life though. He's brilliant and whoever he ends up will be so lucky. If we don't work things through it's because mutual experiences make us push buttons for the other, not because either of us aren't amazing people. Because we are ☺️

I have some reflecting to do on if this is worth it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/01/2022 21:40

SortingItOut
Ah ! In the summer you wrote about sex parties
I copied in my notes , and revisited them today

Anyway I just read about - I’m not actually doing it but I wanted to let you know I filed your valuable advice 😳🙈😂

InABetterPlaceNow · 15/01/2022 21:43

@Thisisworsethananticpated Thank you. I wouldn't say it's sulking - I think it was more the issue that after I said to stop I could see him get hurt and we both spiralled. Ideally he'd be fine with it (and in other instances of me putting up boundaries he absolutely has been) but this one hit different. I think because of the other stuff in his life too.

We've talked things through now and got on the same page but the hangover from it's still there on both sides.

BelladiMamma · 15/01/2022 22:10

@Thisisworsethananticpated

SortingItOut Ah ! In the summer you wrote about sex parties I copied in my notes , and revisited them today

Anyway I just read about - I’m not actually doing it but I wanted to let you know I filed your valuable advice 😳🙈😂

Please repost! 😊 always love learning from other people about things I've never done
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/01/2022 22:12

Here You are 😁

Thisisworsethananticpated when I went to a sex club (parties may be different) I wore a bodice and thong set from love honey, stockings and a pair of tailored shorts (hot pant length) plus high heels.
Most of the women had evening dresses on, some were just in their lingerie. Then men wore trousers and shirts.

Everyone gathered in the bar and it felt no different to a night out, talking and drinking.
Then around an hour later some couples went off to the play area. This area is no clothes so lingerie or naked.
They have lockers to put your clothes in and towels you borrow.

Then within the play area is a jacuzzi (large) and various 'beds', generally everyone played with the partners they went with but after a while couples paired off.
It is 100% consensual, you don't touch anyone in any way without consent. If you don't like someone you say so.
If you don't want to swing you dont.

You can go between the play area and the bar quite freely, some couples didn't even play.
They also provided pizzas at midnight😂

At the end of the night everyone was in the locker area getting changed into their normal clothes and still chatting and we met couples we'd not noticed all night.
We stayed half naked as we were staying on site, then we went to our rooms.

It was all very civilised.

Some clubs don't allow single men on some nights, if they do allow single men numbers are limited.
Some people don't like going to events with single men due to their behaviour.

BelladiMamma · 15/01/2022 22:20

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Here You are 😁

Thisisworsethananticpated when I went to a sex club (parties may be different) I wore a bodice and thong set from love honey, stockings and a pair of tailored shorts (hot pant length) plus high heels.
Most of the women had evening dresses on, some were just in their lingerie. Then men wore trousers and shirts.

Everyone gathered in the bar and it felt no different to a night out, talking and drinking.
Then around an hour later some couples went off to the play area. This area is no clothes so lingerie or naked.
They have lockers to put your clothes in and towels you borrow.

Then within the play area is a jacuzzi (large) and various 'beds', generally everyone played with the partners they went with but after a while couples paired off.
It is 100% consensual, you don't touch anyone in any way without consent. If you don't like someone you say so.
If you don't want to swing you dont.

You can go between the play area and the bar quite freely, some couples didn't even play.
They also provided pizzas at midnight😂

At the end of the night everyone was in the locker area getting changed into their normal clothes and still chatting and we met couples we'd not noticed all night.
We stayed half naked as we were staying on site, then we went to our rooms.

It was all very civilised.

Some clubs don't allow single men on some nights, if they do allow single men numbers are limited.
Some people don't like going to events with single men due to their behaviour.

Thank you!

Are these happening in times of Covid? I'm thinking it might be a relatively stress free way of opening up our relationship when MrD and I decide we are ready to do that

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 15/01/2022 22:29

@ReturnOfTheBunk just popping up to say that I have PM'd you my details for the WhatsApp group. ❤️

Daydreamscometrue · 15/01/2022 22:47

Please can I join the meet up? I'm a local!

gelatodipistacchio · 15/01/2022 23:56

I have joined this thread so many times, and never actually follow through. I just can't bear the options on OLD. All of the men seem weird or desperate or overly old. Or all of the above.

I have no clue how to get past this first hurdle.

I'm over 40 and a single mum. I suspect men filter me out.

How do people deal with this? I swipe left on basically everyone.

VanGoghsDog · 16/01/2022 00:47

@BelladiMamma

They weren't happening with covid but have started back again now.

I went a few times many years ago.

curmudgeonly007 · 16/01/2022 07:17

@gelatodipistacchio

All of the men seem weird or desperate or overly old. Or all of the above.
So I see you have found my profile online then, old weird & desperate that’s me.

Use your filters to build your search criteria, and range, and use multiple apps, being over 40 is not really an issue, plenty of divorced 40 something men about, with kids, so that’s not an issue either really (but ages might filter you out for some men).

When I was last on the apps, I was looking at the 45 to 55 age range, almost all the women had children, so that’s kinda par for the course really.

Swipe left for the next trending thread