Dating thread 223; Fresh starts and love hearts

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Inthesameboatatmo

Can I join. I've been dating for nearly 2 years now and I'm getting jaded with it all. The last date I had a few weeks ago looked promising but he was not 5'11 at all , infact he was shorter than me and I'm 5'7 . That was a no from me .

Why do they do it?! I've not had anyone lie to that extent, although I think every single time I've met someone who's said they're 5'10 they are in fact 5'8... it's like - mate, I'm 5'8 - don't pretend you're taller than me!

@Inthesameboatatmo

Can I join. I've been dating for nearly 2 years now and I'm getting jaded with it all. The last date I had a few weeks ago looked promising but he was not 5'11 at all , infact he was shorter than me and I'm 5'7 . That was a no from me .

I’m not going to defend this and say is right, but no amount of good eating or going to the gym or helping old ladies over the road is ever going to make him taller, so this might be the only way he can actually get a date, If was 5 5 say, you would have just said no, if was 5 7, you might have maybe?, but added on 6 inches is never going to work, (And no comments and men not knowing what 6 inches look like, thank you very much)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
If it takes him more than 30 minutes of sexual activity to orgasm, or he cannot reach orgasm 50% of the time,then that would be classed as ‘delayed’

When I was a young fellow, I was probably a “one minute wonder”, oh how those days are long gone,

@InABetterPlaceNow Just catching up with the thread from yesterday and this comment What is ACTUALLY bugging me is that he's taking the piss and will humiliate me. Lulling me into a fall sense of security and will then rip out the rug from under me. 100% trauma driven and he's given no indication of that

Is exactly how I feel about Mr K and we're nearly 2.5 years in.
Mine is also trauma driven, I've spoken to my counsellor about this, I call it 'being taken for a mug' and its why I'm not 100% in my relationship.
Mr K has given no signs of taking me for a mug and actually has been through the same trauma as me in 2 relationships so he gets it. Not that I mention it often, maybe once every 6 months, most of the time I don't think about it (unless its in a counselling session) so it doesn't take over my life but right now I can't see a point in the future when I'm 100% in which is so sad and for which I blame my ex husband totally😡

Mr Favourite Place is coming to visit in my house sitting house. He'll probably be here mid afternoon so we can go for a dog walk and then see what happens. I'm a bit nervous, in case I don't fancy him and it's awkward. I haven't mentioned the spare room in case I want him to leave. Argh! This is potentially going to be weird, and potentially going to be wonderful. Watch this space! 😱

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Mr Favourite Place is coming to visit in my house sitting house. He'll probably be here mid afternoon so we can go for a dog walk and then see what happens. I'm a bit nervous, in case I don't fancy him and it's awkward. I haven't mentioned the spare room in case I want him to leave. Argh! This is potentially going to be weird, and potentially going to be wonderful. Watch this space! 😱

Exciting!! Very best of luck xx

Spent the last couple of nights with Mr Beard. No complaints about his height - if anything I’d prefer him to be a bit shorter, so I didn’t have to stand on tiptoes to kiss him!

He was really sweet and brought me some noodles, chocolates and herbal tea as I haven’t been feeling well.

It might sound a bit bizarre when we’ve been dating for about three months but I sometimes wonder if Mr Beard finds me attractive - he will call me ‘hot’ or ‘stunning’ but not more kind of affectionate softer words like ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’. He is very affectionate in terms of hugs though, and tells me how much he likes just cuddling, so maybe that’s just his way of communicating.

@WeWantTheFinestWines very exciting! Let us know how it goes if you get time! X

Is sortingitout still here in this thread ?

Stayingstrongish
Of course ! Men don’t tend to use the term pretty , it’s more a term girls use x

WeWantTheFinestWines

Excited for you
I must keep on the thread and apps when I’m ovulating

Off !!!!!

@WeWantTheFinestWines - Good luck! Look forward to hearing about it.

@Thisisworsethananticpated - I hear you!

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks, I’m probably overthinking things and looking for potential problems as usual!

[quote SortingItOut]**@InABetterPlaceNow* Just catching up with the thread from yesterday and this comment What is ACTUALLY bugging me is that he's taking the piss and will humiliate me. Lulling me into a fall sense of security and will then rip out the rug from under me. 100% trauma driven and he's given no indication of that*

Is exactly how I feel about Mr K and we're nearly 2.5 years in.
Mine is also trauma driven, I've spoken to my counsellor about this, I call it 'being taken for a mug' and its why I'm not 100% in my relationship.
Mr K has given no signs of taking me for a mug and actually has been through the same trauma as me in 2 relationships so he gets it. Not that I mention it often, maybe once every 6 months, most of the time I don't think about it (unless its in a counselling session) so it doesn't take over my life but right now I can't see a point in the future when I'm 100% in which is so sad and for which I blame my ex husband totally😡[/quote]
I'm sorry you relate to this 😞 It's both comforting that you've made it 2 and a half years and that it doesn't come up often now while also noted that it's still an issue. Let me know if you find a way to fix it!

MrT also has similar trauma from 2 relationships so he also understands and that's helpful.

We ended up video chatting last night. I realised I don't really want "labels" but do want "progress" so meeting friends (and potentially kids) was discussed.

However, later in the call our mutual trauma clashed and things went horribly wrong. Looks like a deep wound was opened for him. We ended the call, both clearly not in a great place.

We've exchanged some texts this morning and are both clear on what happened for each of us (basically mind reading the other person and entirely getting it wrong). All very grown up. But he's asked for space. So I guess we're on a break now. And after 2 months, that's not great.

I'm very sad.

InABetterPlaceNow
I’m sorry
It’s such a shitty feeling
Hugs 🫂

Oh gosh @InABetterPlaceNow , so sorry to hear that. Sending hugs. Does "space" necessarily mean a break - or could it just mean he needs some thinking/alone time?

Thanks guys. He has (I think I mentioned) some other big things going on in his life. So essentially asked for some time to sort his head out after last night, but that he'd understand if it was a "hard no" and I need a clear "yes/no" of where he is at this point.

So yes, more space at this point rather than a break where we're exploring other things. However, I'm left feeling like if I'm causing him to feel this way rather than being a support / positive when he's going through other stuff, perhaps it's better we don't progress.

Despite it being utterly shit (and really confusing as we were about to start integrating lives more just an hour before!!) the conversation was entirely affirming to each other on both sides and very, very grown up. It gives me hope that people can actually do that.

We'll see what happens. For the first time in my life I've not completely shut down (and therefore telling myself I didn't like him anyway) not overly anxious (so wanting to beg and plead for him to stay). I'm just sad. And letting myself feel that. It's progress.

He did say he felt like what we had was 100% worth working on/for so I guess I ended up getting confirmation he really likes me, lol. Just not the way I wanted it 😞

@InABetterPlaceNow, sorry to read that there has been an issue with Mr T. It’s really difficult to navigate these things fairly early on because you want it all to be positive. I would try not to focus on the situation with too much fear. Mr V and I had a blip of about 6 weeks at a similar stage in our relationship and although it was really tough I did manage to give him some space and he did come back to me- and that was almost exactly 2 years ago. I found judging the right level of contact difficult but essentially I had to hold tight and let him be the one to instigate sometimes. We’re all rooting for you and hoping that if this is meant to be it will.

Thank you @Stepcount - that's really comforting. It's made me realise just how much I do like him and want to make this work with him, even if it means I need to take a hard look at myself (which I've been trying to do anyway).

I've left things as I can give him space and am here if he needs me.

It's frustrating as when my trauma button was pushed last night my brain was saying "he's going to abandon me / I'm f'ing things up" and super annoyingly that exact reaction is what caused his button to get pushed and it's essentially what it's led to. Self sabotage at its worst. The talk through we had today cleared up any misunderstandings around it but the way I see it at the moment, this could either be healing for us both, or could be a major incompatibly if we can't navigate it.

The ball's in his court now and I'm going to take my own space to think about if this is doable. I met with my "like a dad" which was good timing and helped me get some perspective. He said he's noticed a real change in me over the last couple of months in terms of my confidence and I think he's right. MrT has been very, very good for me and I've learnt so much about myself. I have that to take forward with me whatever happens.

Also an entire pot and pan set that is a family heirloom (and older than us - but in fab condition - they don't make them like they used to!) that he gave me on Thursday as he has electric now and they are copper bottomed so work better with gas 😂 He's not getting them back!!

God dammit. I'd miss him so much if he decides to nope out. However also have serious doubts myself I need to work through. I expect he'd suggest we stay friends but I think I'll decline.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm here 🙂

@InABetterPlaceNow Most of the time my mantra is 'what will be, will be', I don't spend my time worrying Mr K is taking advantage and if things ended I'd be sad but I've had a good time with him.
I think it helps that I don't 'need' him, I 'want' him and I know my life is pretty complete even without him.

As for your new situation 😱, that was certainly a turn around, one moment talking about meeting family and friends, the next taking space due to a trigger.
I hope you can resolve this but if you can't then you've learnt lots of lessons and had a great time with him.

I also think this is why people don't talk of meeting kids until 6 months plus because anything before this is new territory and you're still navigating new things/triggers etc although too be fair, do you ever really know someone?

Good luck and I hope you've got some things to fill your time while he's taking space, its fine to feel sad but don't dwell on it all too much and don't wait around for him taking his space - carry on with your life and continue to do what makes you happy.