Struggling with DHs behaviour and family dynamics

[BrittleTea]

NC ofc but long time poster

Things have been getting rather strained between me and DH, it's not completely gone, I can still feel there's love there and there's times we really connect, but since DS1 has started school things have become increasingly difficult.

I think its because our family dynamics have changed. DS1 is really struggling with adjusting to school. We believe he is ND like me (DH is NT).

As well as that, I also started a new job which involves me now going into an office 4 days a week rather than WFH (I don't think I need to clarify how that changes things).

And we moved house in October too, a renovation job.

There's a lot going on. I know I'm certainly feeling the strain and I know DH and DS1 is too.

DS1 behaviour is terrifying at times but it is always triggered by him being overwhelmed. Something DH has very little sympathy for. He just doesn't understand. Okay, so, actually there are times where he remains calm but this tends to be if he has an audience (so has that accountability i guess).

Don't get me wrong, I know I flip my top at times and I shout or put him in his room as I cannot safely contain him around DS3 (who is 1 yrs old). And in the past I did attempt "cry it out" Method which was so torturous on him (and me). But for the past 2 years I've been doing gentle parenting, seeking advice on how to help my own ND and his.

DH seemed on board with it, we appeared to be doing well and on same page etc but when DS1's behaviour worsened at school, it is as though DH has forgotten all the gentle methods.

He has lot any empathy for DS1. And perhaps seems rather wrapped up with DS3.

When DS1 hits DH or DS3, DH now retaliates. Not always, but a fair few times now. DH escalates things so quickly, he doesn't see DS1 is overwhelmed, it's as though he has no respect or care for him anymore.

DH says he struggles with DS1's behaviour, its too much for him and he cannot cope with the idea that this is his life now.

I've tried a few times to talk to DH about this now. But each time he plays it off as though I'm exaggerating it all and that anyone would react that way if they were always being hit and spat at by someone and that DS1 needs to be taught. I've said I don't agree with his tactics but DH downplays it all.

These past few years, DH has pointed out how much my family can be toxic for me. How they gaslight me etc.

Well tonight, when I called him out on shouting and threatening DS and for using the phrase "I have nothing to say to him" when I asked if he could talk to DS1 whilst I was driving (DH to work), DH told me that I exagerrate everything and started saying that my family are right, that it is me who has the issue and I'm overly sensitive and make stuff up in my head.

My head is a mess. I'm sorry this was so long.

None of this sounds healthy. When you say retaliate do you mean he is hitting him back?

What ND are you?

A lot of this sounds very familiar to me.

To give examples, if DS1 pushes DS3 off the sofa then DH will push DS1 off the sofa. If DS1 spits at DH then DH will slap DS1.

I usually aim to jump in straight away but doesn't always happen. I attempted to intervene when DS1 kicked DH in the balls and DH was so mad at me that he twisted my arm and threw me across the kitchen.

I did tell him, the next day, that he really hurt my arm and my back but he said I was exaggerating and that I shouldn't have undermined him in front of DS1

I'm diagnosed ADHD and waiting for autism referral

To give examples, if DS1 pushes DS3 off the sofa then DH will push DS1 off the sofa. If DS1 spits at DH then DH will slap DS1.

I usually aim to jump in straight away but doesn't always happen. I attempted to intervene when DS1 kicked DH in the balls and DH was so mad at me that he twisted my arm and threw me across the kitchen.

I did tell him, the next day, that he really hurt my arm and my back but he said I was exaggerating and that I shouldn't have undermined him in front of DS1

I'm sorry to be blunt but your husband is physically and emotionally abusive and you need to leave him immediately.

Read this back to yourself:

DH was so mad at me that he twisted my arm and threw me across the kitchen.

Please leave him before he does something worse.

@piglet81

Read this back to yourself:

DH was so mad at me that he twisted my arm and threw me across the kitchen.

Please leave him before he does something worse.

You mean before somebody kicks him in the bollocks .

You and your dc aren't safe. You need to report him to gain evidence he is to get no unsupervised access.

I don't want to make excuses for DH. But can I ask anyone on here that would pressure from his family to be like this influence him? And can he change?

His family (and tbf some of my relatives too) have told us we should show DS1 what it's like when he acts violently. And so I think that's why DH is doing this. He keeps saying "but gentle parenting is getting us nowhere with him"

But I think he is failing to appreciate how much a 4 year old has gone through recently, especially if he is ND too

And surely reacting with violence only makes it okay. To give an example, DH started shouting at DS1 as DS1 was doing something he shouldn't have been which was annoying DH, later DS1 started shouting at me because I was annoying him (I just told him it was dinner time) and DH said "we do not shout!". DH reckons DS1 should be able to tell the difference but tbh I don't even see any difference so how can a child

I also don't think he appreciates how intimating his size is. He is a foot taller than me and so is towering over me let alone the DC.

Is there a third child involved too? Has your dh and you been offered any parenting courses to help you handle ds1 and other dc more positively? Can ds1 articulate his feelings? H sounds at best heavy handed, at worst abusive.

If he is intimidating to you , what is he to ds1?

A child kicking him is no excuse for violence he is a grown up he can control himself

I will say that although at times ds1 behaviour has got worse the less he has to do with his violent and aggressive father the less it became his goto when he got frustrated living with a parent who gives him space and talks more rather than hitting the roof became a benefit we do still have raised voices and flashpoints but they are not daily and are resolved easier when I don't have a bastard aggravating the situation

Ds1 is adhd suspected autism ds2 is same so there are flashpoints aplenty

Women's Aid and Police, OP.

@LIZS DS2 died 2 years ago. I think there probably is a lot of un worked grief in our household too.

DS1 really struggles to communicate, he is waiting a SALT referral (since September)

sorry for your loss. If you feel h is out of control and a threat to you and dc he needs to leave and seek help.

A friend (online) did suggest Women's Aid but they seems so extreme. I don't feel like we are in immediate danger. I do feel love from DH towards us. Most of the time he is wonderful but lately I've noticed his behaviour is becoming worse.

Ignoring the other issues here, you need to sit down together and decide a joint approach. I'm guessing your husband sees the gentle method as you being a push over?
Are there methods of discipline that do work? Like time out? So that bad behaviour is recognised but not with violence? That cannot carry on.
You need to be absolutely consistent and both agree what happens in response to these behaviours.
The Supernanny methods may be a more middle level between your differing approaches but first you have to communicate with each other properly and agree what you are trying and stick to it.
What you have now cannot continue

He is the one with the issues here:-

1. He needs to work on his anger
2. He needs to work on how he parents a ND child
3. He needs to work through whatever else is causing him to be violent to you and your child

He absoloutley needs to leave the home for the safety of your eldest, and you. Active working towards the top three points would mean he can stay in the dcs lives and look to how the future will work (whether as a family or a separated couple).

If he doesn't accept that he needs to change, and doesn't plan to make steps to address it, then he has to go.

Honesty reach out to the professionals there a lot going on with grief and DS1 .

To give examples, if DS1 pushes DS3 off the sofa then DH will push DS1 off the sofa. If DS1 spits at DH then DH will slap DS1.

I work with teenagers with SEND and SEMH issues, a lot of which have challenging behaviour and can be violent.
I would never, ever be violent towards them or do the same as they have to someone else - that is teaching them that it’s ok behaviour and they will do it again and never understand that their behaviour is wrong.

You shouldn’t be too soft, he needs to know right from wrong but this can be a simple time out until he’s calmed down and apologises, then next time an evening off the Xbox - he needs to have sanctions and rewards that he understands.

I do know how difficult it is coping with a child like him every day and it’s easy for me to say do this do that, when I’m not there every day. I also think your DH is struggling with grief and he’s taking it out on DS1.

His behaviour is not acceptable and I would not be with someone who physically hurts my child.

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Attacking an adult by twisting her arm and shoving her across a room is very extreme. Imagine your H doing that to someone at his work or at the pub. It's unthinkable.

I think his violence towards your son is equally bad, but in a way it's less shocking as maybe he truly believes it is an appropriate way to teach your son not to be violent (though I disagree with his approach).

OP, please call Women's Aid. They are experts and calling them for a chat does not mean you have to leave, or put a particular label on your relationship. It's just a chat.

OP your DH is physically abusing you and your son. I know how frustrating it can be to parent a DC with challenging behaviour as I have two DS with autism. But the fact he is hitting both of you is not acceptable and it sounds like it is escalating.

How do I have this talk with DH?

Thank you all btw for the replies. It's a lot to take in but I need advice which is why I'm here.