Struggling with DHs behaviour and family dynamics

[BrittleTea]

NC ofc but long time poster

Things have been getting rather strained between me and DH, it's not completely gone, I can still feel there's love there and there's times we really connect, but since DS1 has started school things have become increasingly difficult.

I think its because our family dynamics have changed. DS1 is really struggling with adjusting to school. We believe he is ND like me (DH is NT).

As well as that, I also started a new job which involves me now going into an office 4 days a week rather than WFH (I don't think I need to clarify how that changes things).

And we moved house in October too, a renovation job.

There's a lot going on. I know I'm certainly feeling the strain and I know DH and DS1 is too.

DS1 behaviour is terrifying at times but it is always triggered by him being overwhelmed. Something DH has very little sympathy for. He just doesn't understand. Okay, so, actually there are times where he remains calm but this tends to be if he has an audience (so has that accountability i guess).

Don't get me wrong, I know I flip my top at times and I shout or put him in his room as I cannot safely contain him around DS3 (who is 1 yrs old). And in the past I did attempt "cry it out" Method which was so torturous on him (and me). But for the past 2 years I've been doing gentle parenting, seeking advice on how to help my own ND and his.

DH seemed on board with it, we appeared to be doing well and on same page etc but when DS1's behaviour worsened at school, it is as though DH has forgotten all the gentle methods.

He has lot any empathy for DS1. And perhaps seems rather wrapped up with DS3.

When DS1 hits DH or DS3, DH now retaliates. Not always, but a fair few times now. DH escalates things so quickly, he doesn't see DS1 is overwhelmed, it's as though he has no respect or care for him anymore.

DH says he struggles with DS1's behaviour, its too much for him and he cannot cope with the idea that this is his life now.

I've tried a few times to talk to DH about this now. But each time he plays it off as though I'm exaggerating it all and that anyone would react that way if they were always being hit and spat at by someone and that DS1 needs to be taught. I've said I don't agree with his tactics but DH downplays it all.

These past few years, DH has pointed out how much my family can be toxic for me. How they gaslight me etc.

Well tonight, when I called him out on shouting and threatening DS and for using the phrase "I have nothing to say to him" when I asked if he could talk to DS1 whilst I was driving (DH to work), DH told me that I exagerrate everything and started saying that my family are right, that it is me who has the issue and I'm overly sensitive and make stuff up in my head.

My head is a mess. I'm sorry this was so long.

But if I'm misinterpreting here maybe I am DH too

I'm asking for help and am being told I'm putting money ahead of DS but all I'm asking for help with practicalities. Its easy to say "leave" but leave where and how?

DH and DMum do always tell me I'm overly sensitive and misremember events

Right now it will seem insurmountable. But it just needs to be unpicked. Just find the end of one thread a pull, gently… it will lead you to the next step, and the next…

Don’t think about finances now. The first step is to tell a professional. Choose who you want to tell and tell them. They will then help with the next step. That’s what they’re there for. For parents in vulnerable positions who cannot be expected to deal with it all alone. You can do this

I can see you’re not putting money ahead of your children. You are understandably extremely worried about the real impact of no money on your children’s life.

You have come across clear, concise, kind and thoughtful in your posts. You don’t seem too sensitive at all. In fact I’d say you are too insensitive. I think you’ve become desensitised to your DH’s physical violence towards yourself and your children.

Everyone seems to be gaslighting you.

You may get additional benefits if you leave DH and hopefully some maintenance from him

"DH and DMum do always tell me I'm overly sensitive and misremember events"

What sort of mother do you think does that to her now adult daughter?.

It may well be that you come to realise that your DM and DH are infact very similar i.e. both are abusive. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did yours teach you?.

And you are not too bloody sensitive either. Thats a charge often levelled at perfectly reasonable adult offspring by their not so nice parent.

Everyone seems to be gaslighting you - this is what DH said last night when I told him that it feels as though he is gaslighting me. He said it as a way to point out that if it can't be everyone else, it must be me who is getting it wrong.

@BrittleTea

DH and DMum do always tell me I'm overly sensitive and misremember events

Which is why they are not the right people to talk to.

Well there's not really any misinterpretation of your DH bruising your child's face or pushing him off the sofa. Is there?

Refuge
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
0808 2000 247
Live chat: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

Woman’s Aid
Live chat: chat.womensaid.org.uk/

On the Live Chat now, thank you for link that

FINANCE to look at this element alone OP. If you are living alone with your children based on the income you have on your calculation, you would be entitled to around £800 per month universal credit.

You would also be entitled to child maintenance from your husband of 16% of his income. So assuming he earns the same as you that would be another £320.

Finances don't need to be the reason not to leave... you are actually in a very good position!

Well done OP

Thank you for looking at that for me @LittleOwl153 I really appreciate it. How did you calculate the UC though? I done the calculations and they said I wouldn't be entitled to anything? (I earn £32k a year for 4 days a week)

I spoke to Refuge, they've said it sounds like we need family counselling and DH needs some proper MH support. It's a build up difficult circumstances, especially with losing DS2 and DS3 being disabled and then DS1 being ND (as well as me) and then that I've now working the family is all needing to adjust etc.

I didn't think family counselling was advisable if there was abuse, or is that counselling for losing DS2?

I don't think Refuge see it as abuse but rather a difficult set of family circumstances which are contributing to DH's poor MH

Definitely feel as though I'm over reacting now tbh and that I'm right to believe I can support DH to change etc

Aside from the fact you've already spoke to Womens aid, I could never witness my DH slap my 4yo child in response to his behaviour and justify it with gaslighting each other, he's abusive and he needs to take accountability for the fact he's hitting a 4yo who is ND and has lost a sibling.
The poor child must be in turmoil no wonder his behaviour is bad I always wonder how adults come to the conclusion that hitting a child will make them behave, no it won't it will upset them and frighten them.
You are also being abused by him, children especially ND children need stability, understanding and structure, he is also displaying learnt behaviours so to be spitting, kicking, and slapping & your DH doing the same to him in return he's being shown by an adult that that's the right way to behave.
It's all very dysfunctional and unfair on you & your children I think you need to seriously reevaluate wether it's worth staying in such a toxic environment it's pretty clear to me from the outside it'll only continue and probably get worse with time as DS1 gets older & stronger the fights will become more violent, you defending him will cause more arguing and it will escalate into a horrible living situation for you and your children.
If you leave, You will be giving single occupancy status by your local council which will cut household costs & probably receive housing help, I think you know the problems your facing because your here telling compete strangers your scenario for advice, the only advice I have to give would be to leave.
I'm sorry for you op it's sounds very difficult.

Were you completely honest with them about the bruising to DSs face, DH twisting your arm and shoving you across the room and you covering up for him with school?

If so it seems strange that they have said it's not abusive as these incidents are clearly safeguarding and DV. If you were they will need to make a safeguarding referral and speak to other agencies about your DC. Are they doing that?

Did you tell the advisor at Refuge about the physical abuse, for both you and DS1? Did you tell them how your DS1 came by the facial injuries? If you didn't, please go back to them and tell them.

I am so sorry about the loss of your DS2. I cannot imagine how awful that must have been. and a very gentle hug for you.

I guess it rather depends how much you told of the physicality of your h behaviour rather than just the difficult dynamics. If you have minimised it as you have here the advice may not be solid. Not suggesting deliberately but more due to your perception having been skewed by the ongoing situation.

I copy pasted from my OP to the chat box

I'm going to focus on marriage amd family counselling as suggested by Refuge and supporting DH in his MH issues. I will still flag all this to HV tomorrow too

Did you copy everything from here or only your opening post which doesn’t detail your DH abusive behaviour?