Struggling with DHs behaviour and family dynamics

[BrittleTea]

NC ofc but long time poster

Things have been getting rather strained between me and DH, it's not completely gone, I can still feel there's love there and there's times we really connect, but since DS1 has started school things have become increasingly difficult.

I think its because our family dynamics have changed. DS1 is really struggling with adjusting to school. We believe he is ND like me (DH is NT).

As well as that, I also started a new job which involves me now going into an office 4 days a week rather than WFH (I don't think I need to clarify how that changes things).

And we moved house in October too, a renovation job.

There's a lot going on. I know I'm certainly feeling the strain and I know DH and DS1 is too.

DS1 behaviour is terrifying at times but it is always triggered by him being overwhelmed. Something DH has very little sympathy for. He just doesn't understand. Okay, so, actually there are times where he remains calm but this tends to be if he has an audience (so has that accountability i guess).

Don't get me wrong, I know I flip my top at times and I shout or put him in his room as I cannot safely contain him around DS3 (who is 1 yrs old). And in the past I did attempt "cry it out" Method which was so torturous on him (and me). But for the past 2 years I've been doing gentle parenting, seeking advice on how to help my own ND and his.

DH seemed on board with it, we appeared to be doing well and on same page etc but when DS1's behaviour worsened at school, it is as though DH has forgotten all the gentle methods.

He has lot any empathy for DS1. And perhaps seems rather wrapped up with DS3.

When DS1 hits DH or DS3, DH now retaliates. Not always, but a fair few times now. DH escalates things so quickly, he doesn't see DS1 is overwhelmed, it's as though he has no respect or care for him anymore.

DH says he struggles with DS1's behaviour, its too much for him and he cannot cope with the idea that this is his life now.

I've tried a few times to talk to DH about this now. But each time he plays it off as though I'm exaggerating it all and that anyone would react that way if they were always being hit and spat at by someone and that DS1 needs to be taught. I've said I don't agree with his tactics but DH downplays it all.

These past few years, DH has pointed out how much my family can be toxic for me. How they gaslight me etc.

Well tonight, when I called him out on shouting and threatening DS and for using the phrase "I have nothing to say to him" when I asked if he could talk to DS1 whilst I was driving (DH to work), DH told me that I exagerrate everything and started saying that my family are right, that it is me who has the issue and I'm overly sensitive and make stuff up in my head.

My head is a mess. I'm sorry this was so long.

I have the HV coming over soon, would she be an appropriate person to expect help for this level?

Also, where do I go from here? I don't know what I'm meant to do.

I feel so fucking shit tbh, I let me DS2 die and now I've clearly been an enabler in my DS1's abuse.

What’s striking is that you say DS2 is ND like you, but his behaviour is most like his Dad, and you are able to empathise with him. NT or not, your DH is modelling violent and unempathetic behaviour to a little boy who lost a brother at the age of 2.
It sounds like such a difficult family situation. Would your DH hear the message that being the adult means showing acceptable behaviour only - being the example?
Can you access a parenting course and/or family grief counselling.

Btw a 4yo talking about burning people alive has no real meaning other than he is trying to get a reaction from the adults around him. Sounds like he needs positive attention.

I hate myself so much. Especially the trauma I've inflicted on the whole family with DS2. And then doing Cry it Out and all that sleep training crap on DS1 when he was younger. Breaks my heart.

I did give super nanny a go too but I don't agree at all with what she does either. And tbh DS1 run a mockery with the idea of a time out and a naught step.

Ofc that isn't at all anywhere near as bad as DH actually doing back to DS1 what he does.

I guess I didn't see how awful it really is because it wasn't me doing it and I always intervened and its not happening that often at all. It doesn't feel like abuse what you see on TV etc.

I'm not excusing him or me, I'm trying to just get out my thoughts. I feel so out of control.

Social services always call us every time DS3 ends up in hospital because a DR reported me for force feeding him a food he is allergic too. I didn't at all. We didn't know he was allergic, we were weaning him. So I suppose they are already half involved.

And I have already lied for DH before. I lied to his teacher when she asked how he got his bruised nose. So I know what he does is fucking wrong and I'm so ashamed I haven't stuck up for DS3 sooner.

Please don’t say you hate yourself @BrittleTea. You are doing the best you can right now and it all sounds very tough.
You say you have spoken to school and GP but then you said you have lied for DH. Have you actually told the truth of the situation to school or GP? If not, please do it. It sounds like all the family is struggling in different ways.
How would DH react if you just told him not to be physical with DS1 or with you, but to model other ways of coping (that don’t involve physical violence)?

I haven't told them about DH's retaliation to DS1, no, but I have said everything else. Including the injuries DS inflicts on DS3 and the threats he makes about school.

I've asked DH recently this, as we did use to model great behaviour. We were both on the same page for a while and things felt great. 2020 and 2021 before DS started school were great. It felt like we were all on the right track, making progress and improving as parents.

But then DS' behaviour got awful when he started school, he really struggles there. So much so that I question if school is even the right place for him. The slowly, bit by bit, DH's behaviour has been worsening, his fuse getting shorter. Don't get me wrong, he is still wonderful most of the time but I've seen the changes unfolding.

DH's response to when I suggest we go back to modeling the right behaviour is usually the following:

• well you don't exactly have the best behaviour either, you lose it at him too, you should hear how you speak to him (yes, I acknowledge i do occasionally say something I regret, it will be something like "get to your room now" through gritted teeth" and I've said "how would you like it if I was to cut off your bears head" in response to when he has said he would cut of DS3's head as a way to get him to have some empathy)

• we have tried the gentle way and its not working, he needs to learn if he hits someone in the real world he will get hit back and a lot harder. I've said I disagree with this, that it was working but factors have changed but he doesn't agree

• that I am over dramatising what is going on

Not hitting your kids is not gentle parenting - it’s just parenting.
It’s possible to be an effective parent without ever touching your child roughly.

All his responses are bollocks. He’s not really listening.

@BrittleTea

A friend (online) did suggest Women's Aid but they seems so extreme. I don't feel like we are in immediate danger. I do feel love from DH towards us. Most of the time he is wonderful but lately I've noticed his behaviour is becoming worse.

Nope. Not extreme. He is violent towards you and a defenceless child.

He pushed your son off the sofa. He twisted your arm and threw you across the room.

Read that again!

What are you waiting for? Til he throttles you? Throws your son against a wall?

I know its hard to accept and get your head around when you're used to managing his behaviour, but this has nothing to do with being NT or ND. This is violent abuse plain and simple and it will get worse.

Speak to Womens Aid. You don't have to do anything, just have a chat with them.

Further examples of abuse against you in your posts:

He has tried to alienate you from your family by telling you they gaslight you.

He has proceeded to gaslight you himself.

I suspect the reason you haven't told anyone else about his violence towards your son is because you're afraid of the answer, that this is a major problem that cannot be solved by encouraging your husband to engage in gentle parenting.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Have a read

Please don't blame yourself for anything. It's not your fault.
I have a son who has ADHD (as do I). Parenting a ND child is incredibly hard. Unless you have done it, you cannot possibly understand.
Gentle parenting does work. I have been doing it with my son for years and his behaviour has improved dramatically. It's still hard but nothing like it used to be.
I really think you need help. Talk to your HV. Call womens aid, go back to your doctor and the school and tell them what you have said here. Your husband will damage your son emotionally if not physically and he's obviously willing to hurt you too.
My husband is NT and gets stressed too but he is a grown man and would never hurt his son. Please try again to get help. I hope you manage to get some. Good luck 💐

@BrittleTea

I have the HV coming over soon, would she be an appropriate person to expect help for this level?

Also, where do I go from here? I don't know what I'm meant to do.

I feel so fucking shit tbh, I let me DS2 die and now I've clearly been an enabler in my DS1's abuse.

What do you mean by let DS2 die? What happened?

He got sepsis and we had to choose to turn off his life support.

You did not let your son die, the sepsis killed him.

You did not let your ds die
I do think you should contact Women's aid. As your dc get older this violence will get worse and worse.

I agree with pp that your dh is abusing you and your child - you need to leave

I have a child who is violent towards me and my other dc (just been diagnosed with adhd and asd). The one thing I know for sure is that violence isn't resolved by violence, showing the child ' what it's like ' such as pushing him off the sofa, will only cause MORE violence and escalate the situation. Speak to the SECO at school and also involve your local family services, they can help you and your dc.

Your dh knows what he's doing is wrong as he won't don't it with an audience.

OP, you’ve been through unspeakable grief that not many of us here can even fathom. And you are still here, present for your children, a kind, considerate adult, posting for advice, asking for help, wanting the best for your kids. You are already showing us your strength, even if you don’t feel like you are.

You can do this, OP. Your reaching out here on this forum is a testament to you, that you can see things aren’t right and you want to solve them.

If it helps, make a to-do list here and have a few others looks over it. We all say ‘leave’, but practicalities must be sorted too. It might help get you onto a path, so you feel like you can, step by step, walk towards a better future for you and your children

OP, retaliation isn't parenting, it is abuse.

I am reading your stories with thoughts of Star Hobson and Arthur Labinjo-Hughes running through my head.

If you have existing social services involvment, start there. Or call Women's Aid. Or speak to the school.

I hope you get the help you all need.

We all say leave but practicalities must be sorted too

This is why I keep saying I don't know what to do. I haven't a clue what I'm meant to do. I don't know how I'd leave?

And I keep thinking that if he gets help and sorts himself out then we can fix this?

I've changed, so surely he can?

This is why I keep saying I don't know what to do. I haven't a clue what I'm meant to do. I don't know how I'd leave?

I’m sure others will be along who have better experience / advice, but at least start by contacting one of the organisations that were mentioned by other posters on this thread. Tell them everything you have written here.

You need a real-life helping hand in sorting this out, and the people at these organisations are professionals who will be able to tell you what to do.

I am so sorry your son died It wasn’t your fault. You’ve been through so much and it sounds like lots of the people who should have helped you haven’t done.

Please do talk to your HV - maybe write it down if it’s too hard to open the conversation out loud? Tell her you’re not safe at home and you need help for yourself and the children. I really hope this is the year things get better for you.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to make contact, hopefully I'll have time over lunch break.

Unfortunately DH will be there with HV

You have lied to the school when your DH bruised your son on the nose?

I think you should call social services or speak to your school DSL (designated safeguarding lead - usually the HT or DHT) today. I think you should explain what your have said here. Including that you have lied in the past and that you did so because you were worried about DHs reaction and because he minimises the abuse to you and to your DS. You should ask for help in getting your husband removed from the family home.

Anything else absolutely risks your children, both in the sense of their vulnerability to the violence they are already witnessing/experiencing on the family home and in the sense that if SS think you are colluding with an abuser they have the power to remove your children. That won't happen if you act quickly but if he 'retaliates' against your DS and DS ends up injured it probably will happen.

At the moment you are the only person who can act to keep your kids safe. Do it today.

I've spoken to my Mum about what's happening and I shall talk the HV tomorrow if I can persuade DH to leave the house for a period of time.

I shall talk to DH tonight and state that he must make a change, if he is aggressive again then he it out and I'll suggest he seeks help.

Do not kick this can down the road as you are doing now.

It’s no point whatsoever in talking to him further.
This is who he is and such men do not change. He actively enjoys seeing your discomfort.

Do not ever hesitate to call the police if and when he is violent again.