Struggling with DHs behaviour and family dynamics

[BrittleTea]

NC ofc but long time poster

Things have been getting rather strained between me and DH, it's not completely gone, I can still feel there's love there and there's times we really connect, but since DS1 has started school things have become increasingly difficult.

I think its because our family dynamics have changed. DS1 is really struggling with adjusting to school. We believe he is ND like me (DH is NT).

As well as that, I also started a new job which involves me now going into an office 4 days a week rather than WFH (I don't think I need to clarify how that changes things).

And we moved house in October too, a renovation job.

There's a lot going on. I know I'm certainly feeling the strain and I know DH and DS1 is too.

DS1 behaviour is terrifying at times but it is always triggered by him being overwhelmed. Something DH has very little sympathy for. He just doesn't understand. Okay, so, actually there are times where he remains calm but this tends to be if he has an audience (so has that accountability i guess).

Don't get me wrong, I know I flip my top at times and I shout or put him in his room as I cannot safely contain him around DS3 (who is 1 yrs old). And in the past I did attempt "cry it out" Method which was so torturous on him (and me). But for the past 2 years I've been doing gentle parenting, seeking advice on how to help my own ND and his.

DH seemed on board with it, we appeared to be doing well and on same page etc but when DS1's behaviour worsened at school, it is as though DH has forgotten all the gentle methods.

He has lot any empathy for DS1. And perhaps seems rather wrapped up with DS3.

When DS1 hits DH or DS3, DH now retaliates. Not always, but a fair few times now. DH escalates things so quickly, he doesn't see DS1 is overwhelmed, it's as though he has no respect or care for him anymore.

DH says he struggles with DS1's behaviour, its too much for him and he cannot cope with the idea that this is his life now.

I've tried a few times to talk to DH about this now. But each time he plays it off as though I'm exaggerating it all and that anyone would react that way if they were always being hit and spat at by someone and that DS1 needs to be taught. I've said I don't agree with his tactics but DH downplays it all.

These past few years, DH has pointed out how much my family can be toxic for me. How they gaslight me etc.

Well tonight, when I called him out on shouting and threatening DS and for using the phrase "I have nothing to say to him" when I asked if he could talk to DS1 whilst I was driving (DH to work), DH told me that I exagerrate everything and started saying that my family are right, that it is me who has the issue and I'm overly sensitive and make stuff up in my head.

My head is a mess. I'm sorry this was so long.

I mentioned about the bruises and how he retaliates, what he has said to me too etc

She said it sounds like he is struggling to cope with a household with 3 disabled people, trying to manage a variety of needs etc and struggling with the grief too

@BrittleTea

I copy pasted from my OP to the chat box

But you only mentioned the aggression and injury in subsequent posts. So you minimised it to them.

@BrittleTea

She said it sounds like he is struggling to cope with a household with 3 disabled people, trying to manage a variety of needs etc and struggling with the grief too

I think he probably is struggling with all of those things.

And because of that he is violent and dangerous. He needs to leave.

I can't believe that you told someone that your husband has struck (? you haven't actually said) your 4 year old child in the face badly enough to cause bruising and that you lied about that to the child's school and that person told you this wasn't abuse and didn't report it on. Because it is abuse. So either that person is negligent or you didn't tell them what you have told us.

I do have sympathy with you OP. This is a horrible situation to be in. But speak to your child's school or SS. If you are right they will agree with you and let you sort it out. But if your DS is at risk they will help you get help. What is the downside?

I can't believe that you told someone that your husband has struck (? you haven't actually said) your 4 year old child in the face badly enough to cause bruising and that you lied about that to the child's school

^^
This!!!
As much as i love my husband my kids always come first. No matter what.
He would have been out. His house or not! That's disgusting he has bruised a 4year old and its "okay"
Regardless of his issues (4yr old) i do not see any of this actually helping his behaviour or emotions. Apart from that his dad flips his lid and also uses violence towards him when he dares to show any "emotion"

Your DH won't change unless he wants to.

Couples counselling might work but it would be a gamble. It would depend on your DH being completely honest with the counsellor.

I refuse to believe you were honest. Your husband hit/ was violent to your small child so that his face was bruised and you lied about why to their teacher. No one would say that’s not abuse. Yes there is quite probably a complex grief reaction here- the path you are taking is sacrificing your oldest child in the hope your husband can change. Your husband and child both clearly need help, but only one of them can injure, psychologically damage and potentially worse the other, and that needs to be a primary consideration here.
Can you suggest a temporary separation just as a way of keeping the baby safe - he stays with baby and you move with ds1? That way ds1 is safe too and you can focus on him and getting help for a while?

I’m sorry, but how the fuck can you stand there and watch him slap your poor little boy, and then minimise it like this?

I know you’re saying you’re getting a kicking in here but honestly at this point you deserve it. You are complicit in your child being abused. You are both terrible parents and that child deserves better.

This isn't the core issue but I feel it's worth pointing out:

Everyone seems to be gaslighting you - this is what DH said last night when I told him that it feels as though he is gaslighting me. He said it as a way to point out that if it can't be everyone else, it must be me who is getting it wrong.

All or nothing/black and white thinking is a subtle way that abusers manipulate and confuse their victims. Did you actually claim that everyone is gaslighting you? Or did you limit that claim to a couple of quite specific but influential people in your life, him and your mother, for example?

Abusers love to falsely over-generalise in order to discredit you and validate their own position. You complain about a couple of different things during an argument – "God, you have a problem with EVERYTHING I do, don't you?" You have had a rough month and haven't felt up to sex much –"You NEVER want sex any more!" You feel that a couple of people close to you are routinely dishonest with you "Well if you feel that EVERYONE is lying to you, maybe you're the real problem."

Be sure to closely examine any extreme 'blaming' claims he makes about you before you take them on board. Ask yourself: "Is what he is saying a genuine and honest representation of the situation? Or is it a depiction of the situation exaggerated and distorted in order to make me look ridiculous or 'worse' than I actually am?"

You're not a shit mum, @BrittleTea but you do need to stop burying your head in the sand about the abuse directed to both you and your son. Also, if you only copied your original post when you spoke to Refuge then they don't have the full picture. You need to speak to them and state how he has been violent towards you as well.

It sounds like as well as violence and coercive control (eg the gaslighting of you), he is also subjecting you to financial abuse since you say he has full control over the family finances and you have no oversight or liberty here.

You've been through some truly horrific experiences and I feel so deeply for you losing your poor son. I know you can't see a way out of this situation at the moment but you don't need to have all the answers upfront.

What you do need to do is explicitly tell Refuge or Womens Aid in detail about the problems here - the violence towards you and your children, the financial control, the gaslighting...as well as any other instances were you feel you have no control, are made to feel as if you're losing your mind or being confused or wrong about how things have played out.

They will then provide the support and guidance you need to help you out of the situation.

If you can't end things straight away for example, they will help you manage the situation and sort out finances and living arrangements for you and your children.

Alternatively, you can open up to your gp.

But keeping things to yourself because you can't see how they might be able to help you if you tell them won't achieve anything, all it will mean is that you continue to be stuck in this situation.

Be honest and open with those who exist to help you.

Ltb

@user1471442488

I’m sorry, but how the fuck can you stand there and watch him slap your poor little boy, and then minimise it like this?

I know you’re saying you’re getting a kicking in here but honestly at this point you deserve it. You are complicit in your child being abused. You are both terrible parents and that child deserves better.

Agreed

Telling you your family is gaslighting you? I think he means himself

You have to protect your children. Please, you just have to. You must tell the health visitor tomorrow, or you will lose your kids by staying with your husband. They will help you.

@BrittleTea I am the only NT in my household and it can be difficult to understand and empathise (ADHD & Autism here across DP and kids). What helped me was doing an Autism Parenting course and reading up about the condition as well as ADHD. It has really helped my parenting. I cannot condone what your husband does but I have felt the fear and frustration when my son tried to push me down the stairs when I was pregnant. Feel free to DM me if you want more info about the courses.

Tbh the reactions from some people here make it hard for me to reach out, definitely not helpful at all.

And I am confused because I have told Refuge everything I said here. I opened up the conversation with the OP and then proceeded to explain in more detail as I have done here. I told her everything and I was told that as the behaviour change coincides with a lot of stressful changes at home it sounds like he has MH issues that he needs support with. And I have seen how low he has been getting, he has said some worrying things. I'm not saying that to excuse his behaviour. But if a professional from a DV charity doesn't think this is DV and instead a case of DH needing support then surely that's what I have to go with?

This is likely to by my last post tbh as I cant be handling shit from strangers on here whilst I'm asking for help .

@BrittleTea

I'm sorry you and your family are going through such a very tough time. I can feel the pain in your posts but can, sadly, offer no advice - only sympathy.

I really hope you can all find a place of peace mentally in your lives - hopefully as a family unit with your husband at home but, if not, as separate entities. I know whatever happens the decision will be hard but I do wish you the very best - especially your DS1. 🌹

@BrittleTea

I've looked at my finances. I know it's children over money but I can't make them live on the streets. As much as I wish I could ignore money, it is a stress and money is a logistics issue too. How can I provide for them etc.

I don't want to give him more chances to be violent. I believe he can change because I've changed. I've changed my stance on parenting, I'm not abusing DS3 with controlled crying like I attempted to do with DS1 at night time, as an example. Another example would be, I don't shut DS1 out in the hallway if his behaviour is "bad" anymore, I've read the research and have changed, I've seen how time outs and controlled crying aren't good for children's MH. So surely DH can make that realisation too

Wheres your tax credits? Youd be at least entitled to the disability element which is worth it. If you seperated then youd get a council tax discount too

@BrittleTea

This is likely to by my last post tbh as I cant be handling shit from strangers on here whilst I'm asking for help .

OP, Im sad that youre feeling bullied by some posters. Please try and remember this is a big site with a lot of anonymous opinions. It can be hit and miss whether you get support or a roasting unfortunately. I think you need support to be able to work out the right thing to do. I do feel compassion for your husband as much as you, but if hes actually getting physical then hes going too far. Your communication with each other is just turning bad. Like you arent on each others side. You need to access family therapy. Your 4 year old will be also frightened and affected by his brother getting ill and dying. None of you have the resources to deal with this alone, and its OK to not make any big decisions until youre sure. Even if you split up with your husband, you deserve support to help you work out your next steps. You dont need to light a bomb under everything. You can sit tight.

Thank you for looking at that for me @LittleOwl153 I really appreciate it. How did you calculate the UC though? I done the calculations and they said I wouldn't be entitled to anything? (I earn £32k a year for 4 days a week)

I used the entitled to website - using your £2000 a month - I assumed post tax/NI. Clearly you need to do your own calculations as you have the figures. It might be around your childcare. I know that website isn't the best - but it does usually give good indictations. Unless you have savings? Then I guess you wouldn't get anything until those are spent?

@BrittleTea

But where do we get help? I've already asked the school and GP.

Women’s aid Social services The problem is the adult. Not the child. You really need to explain the violence in the household comes from an adult and they will spring into action. You are failing to keep your sone safe from your husband. You are failing to asses risk- your children are already in danger.

I’m sorry OP but this is abuse. The bit where he says your family are this and that and think badly of you is a huge red flag that he’s doing it all on purpose. A manipulator and a bully.

@BrittleTea

She said it sounds like he is struggling to cope with a household with 3 disabled people, trying to manage a variety of needs etc and struggling with the grief too

And that makes it ok to bruise a 4 year-old?

Ring back and speak to someone and tell them EVERYTHING you've told us.