Struggling with DHs behaviour and family dynamics

[BrittleTea]

NC ofc but long time poster

Things have been getting rather strained between me and DH, it's not completely gone, I can still feel there's love there and there's times we really connect, but since DS1 has started school things have become increasingly difficult.

I think its because our family dynamics have changed. DS1 is really struggling with adjusting to school. We believe he is ND like me (DH is NT).

As well as that, I also started a new job which involves me now going into an office 4 days a week rather than WFH (I don't think I need to clarify how that changes things).

And we moved house in October too, a renovation job.

There's a lot going on. I know I'm certainly feeling the strain and I know DH and DS1 is too.

DS1 behaviour is terrifying at times but it is always triggered by him being overwhelmed. Something DH has very little sympathy for. He just doesn't understand. Okay, so, actually there are times where he remains calm but this tends to be if he has an audience (so has that accountability i guess).

Don't get me wrong, I know I flip my top at times and I shout or put him in his room as I cannot safely contain him around DS3 (who is 1 yrs old). And in the past I did attempt "cry it out" Method which was so torturous on him (and me). But for the past 2 years I've been doing gentle parenting, seeking advice on how to help my own ND and his.

DH seemed on board with it, we appeared to be doing well and on same page etc but when DS1's behaviour worsened at school, it is as though DH has forgotten all the gentle methods.

He has lot any empathy for DS1. And perhaps seems rather wrapped up with DS3.

When DS1 hits DH or DS3, DH now retaliates. Not always, but a fair few times now. DH escalates things so quickly, he doesn't see DS1 is overwhelmed, it's as though he has no respect or care for him anymore.

DH says he struggles with DS1's behaviour, its too much for him and he cannot cope with the idea that this is his life now.

I've tried a few times to talk to DH about this now. But each time he plays it off as though I'm exaggerating it all and that anyone would react that way if they were always being hit and spat at by someone and that DS1 needs to be taught. I've said I don't agree with his tactics but DH downplays it all.

These past few years, DH has pointed out how much my family can be toxic for me. How they gaslight me etc.

Well tonight, when I called him out on shouting and threatening DS and for using the phrase "I have nothing to say to him" when I asked if he could talk to DS1 whilst I was driving (DH to work), DH told me that I exagerrate everything and started saying that my family are right, that it is me who has the issue and I'm overly sensitive and make stuff up in my head.

My head is a mess. I'm sorry this was so long.

How supportive was your mother here?.

But your mum is also a 'biting back' person isn't she?

I'm (concerned for your kids) that you grew up thinking abusive parenting was normal and so did your DH. He is going to tell you you are overreacting and it wouldn't surprise me at all if your mum did either.

You do need to talk to some professionals and give them the full story. What if you can't speak to the HV properly? School is the obvious place to go.

None of you are coping. You are all bereaved, traumatised and living with violence. This isnt goodies and baddies, but your husband is not safe to be around. He needs to leave, but im also concerned about your own support. Have you had suppport since you lost your darling child? How far along in the diagnostic process are you for ds1. This type of behaviour suggests he would benefit from a therapeutic school.
How much does your son understand about his brother that died and what happened to him?
Your family is in crisis.
If your ds is worse since he started school could you keep him home.
There must be local autism services that can help. Speak to your health visitor

Sending you love and strength

OP I'm sorry to be blunt but why are you giving this man who has been violent to your DC (and to you), more chances to be violent to your DC?

@ScrambledSmegs

OP I'm sorry to be blunt but why are you giving this man who has been violent to your DC (and to you), more chances to be violent to your DC?

Exactly. You have a duty to protect your child - and yourself.

My son has complex needs - he’s 9 now and things have been horrendous at times but if my dh ever raised a hand to him he would be out on his ear and reported to the police.

Your sons behaviour will get worse and worse as long as this continues because he will be scared and won’t know how to process his emotions.

@BrittleTea

He got sepsis and we had to choose to turn off his life support.

You did not let your child die. I’m so sorry for your loss but it was absolutely not your fault.

Please do not speak to your h tonight. Do it after you have spoken to professionals. Get advice from them first.
Please do not put yourself at risk.
Alternatively go into school today when you pick up and ask them for help. They will help.
Good luck.

I rarely do pick ups as I work full time and DS has wrap around care.

I don't even know how we would split up, I cannt afford the mortgage payments and certainly couldn't afford to sell or rent alone. I've no access to the savings as DH does all the money stuff as I'm not good with money

He would have to contribute and you may be entitled to uc or even dla for ds1. Focus on what you can do and allow others to help you with logistics. You can call the safeguarding lead at the school and ask for help in managing and protecting dc.

You can worry about those things once your children are safe. They are not safe while they are living with a man who left bruises on his child's face which were enough to be questioned by the school and which their mother lied to cover up.

Phone the school.and say you need to speak urgently to the DSL who should drop whatever they are doing to take that call.

Or call SS. They will have someone you can speak to straight away if you make it clear that it's about child protection issue they are not currently aware of.

How did he bruise your DSs face?

@BrittleTea

I rarely do pick ups as I work full time and DS has wrap around care.

I don't even know how we would split up, I cannt afford the mortgage payments and certainly couldn't afford to sell or rent alone. I've no access to the savings as DH does all the money stuff as I'm not good with money

You'll still be entitled to half, plus benefits. Plus he has to pay for his children.

Contact Women's Aid and CAB and get the right information

I've looked at my finances. I know it's children over money but I can't make them live on the streets. As much as I wish I could ignore money, it is a stress and money is a logistics issue too. How can I provide for them etc.

I don't want to give him more chances to be violent. I believe he can change because I've changed. I've changed my stance on parenting, I'm not abusing DS3 with controlled crying like I attempted to do with DS1 at night time, as an example. Another example would be, I don't shut DS1 out in the hallway if his behaviour is "bad" anymore, I've read the research and have changed, I've seen how time outs and controlled crying aren't good for children's MH. So surely DH can make that realisation too

@BrittleTea

I've looked at my finances. I know it's children over money but I can't make them live on the streets. As much as I wish I could ignore money, it is a stress and money is a logistics issue too. How can I provide for them etc.

I don't want to give him more chances to be violent. I believe he can change because I've changed. I've changed my stance on parenting, I'm not abusing DS3 with controlled crying like I attempted to do with DS1 at night time, as an example. Another example would be, I don't shut DS1 out in the hallway if his behaviour is "bad" anymore, I've read the research and have changed, I've seen how time outs and controlled crying aren't good for children's MH. So surely DH can make that realisation too

Well. Has he?

Well he has changed from being on board and doing gentle parenting alongside me to slowly becoming more aggressive over the past 6 months so yes he has changed. So he could change back if he gets help?

@BrittleTea

I think maybe what is really "terrifying" is not your four year old but rather your DH's behaviour.

Although I think it's just too hard for you to really own that and engage with it- because of what it means (ie that you are married to an abusive and dangerous man and that you are going to have to do something about it to protect yourself and your children).

Its really not OK for an adult to retaliate like for like with a four year old boy.

Its really not OK for an adult man to manhandle his partner around the kitchen.

But he doesn't want help? He wants you to stop pointing out his abuse and his children to comply with him.

Perhaps he might be able to access some kind of therapy at some point. But I wouldn't gamble my children's lives on those odds.

He is abusing a four year old boy. He will seriously hurt him one day and he has already caused irreparable emotional harm to your children. You have to accept this truth and then act to protect them. You are the only person who can.

"I believe he can change because I've changed"

You wanted to change however. There is no evidence of him wanting to change his behaviour from your writings. He does this because he can and it works for him.

Do not put ever money ahead of your own and or your childrens wellbeing here.

And with him out of your home in terms of council tax you will save even more money. You are married to this man and have rights in law; you need absolutely to exercise this here. Your futures with this man will be pretty much bleak if you choose to remain with him.

I'm not putting money ahead of my children, I'm simply asking for help with logistics.

I know I'm a shit mother, I feel like I'm constant being kicked here.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that's what I am hoping tonight's conversation will determine and will help me ahead of HV tomorrow

You are NOT a shit mother nor are you being kicked; your perceptions are wrong and that is also because your H is leaving you with spaghetti head as part of his private war against you people.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable. Remember that too.

I'm not abusing DS3 with controlled crying like I attempted to do with DS1 at night time, as an example. Another example would be, I don't shut DS1 out in the hallway if his behaviour is "bad" anymore

What you describe above is not abuse. If it was, those parenting books advocating controlled crying would be banned. There are no books on the library shelf that tell parents to be violent towards their children as a method of parenting. That’s because it’s illegal.

What you did is not the same as what he is doing. It’s not like you were both a bit crap and you’ll both work it out together. He is breaking the law It’s that serious.

Sadly I doubt that your conversation tonight with him will go at all well. He could well either shut you down or merely pay lip service to the underlying problems; equally he could do both at the same time.

Do talk to your HV tomorrow regardless. You need a real life safe and secure outlet.

Asking for or hoping that someone else will change their behaviours (that also work for them) is not going to happen.