Struggling with DHs behaviour and family dynamics

[BrittleTea]

NC ofc but long time poster

Things have been getting rather strained between me and DH, it's not completely gone, I can still feel there's love there and there's times we really connect, but since DS1 has started school things have become increasingly difficult.

I think its because our family dynamics have changed. DS1 is really struggling with adjusting to school. We believe he is ND like me (DH is NT).

As well as that, I also started a new job which involves me now going into an office 4 days a week rather than WFH (I don't think I need to clarify how that changes things).

And we moved house in October too, a renovation job.

There's a lot going on. I know I'm certainly feeling the strain and I know DH and DS1 is too.

DS1 behaviour is terrifying at times but it is always triggered by him being overwhelmed. Something DH has very little sympathy for. He just doesn't understand. Okay, so, actually there are times where he remains calm but this tends to be if he has an audience (so has that accountability i guess).

Don't get me wrong, I know I flip my top at times and I shout or put him in his room as I cannot safely contain him around DS3 (who is 1 yrs old). And in the past I did attempt "cry it out" Method which was so torturous on him (and me). But for the past 2 years I've been doing gentle parenting, seeking advice on how to help my own ND and his.

DH seemed on board with it, we appeared to be doing well and on same page etc but when DS1's behaviour worsened at school, it is as though DH has forgotten all the gentle methods.

He has lot any empathy for DS1. And perhaps seems rather wrapped up with DS3.

When DS1 hits DH or DS3, DH now retaliates. Not always, but a fair few times now. DH escalates things so quickly, he doesn't see DS1 is overwhelmed, it's as though he has no respect or care for him anymore.

DH says he struggles with DS1's behaviour, its too much for him and he cannot cope with the idea that this is his life now.

I've tried a few times to talk to DH about this now. But each time he plays it off as though I'm exaggerating it all and that anyone would react that way if they were always being hit and spat at by someone and that DS1 needs to be taught. I've said I don't agree with his tactics but DH downplays it all.

These past few years, DH has pointed out how much my family can be toxic for me. How they gaslight me etc.

Well tonight, when I called him out on shouting and threatening DS and for using the phrase "I have nothing to say to him" when I asked if he could talk to DS1 whilst I was driving (DH to work), DH told me that I exagerrate everything and started saying that my family are right, that it is me who has the issue and I'm overly sensitive and make stuff up in my head.

My head is a mess. I'm sorry this was so long.

Leave leave leave leave leave this violent man who is abusing you and your children.

This is not about different parenting methods. This is abuse.

There is nothing to talk about, OP.

If my DH twisted my arm and threw me across the room that would be the end of our marriage.

Do you think you’ve become acclimatised to his increasing aggression and violence? It’s telling that you mentioned this incident almost as an afterthought. It is the one thing that all posters are focusing on, yet you spoke of it as background to something that was happening between DS1 and DH.

OP would you rather stay with your DP or keep your children? He is physically abusing all of you, what if the children are taken away because he's hurting them? Should they have to live in a house where they see their mother beaten and they get slapped for age appropriate behaviors? I think you should put them first and have him arrested.

I don't want to make excuses for DH. But can I ask anyone on here that would pressure from his family to be like this influence him? And can he change?

His family (and tbf some of my relatives too) have told us we should show DS1 what it's like when he acts violently. And so I think that's why DH is doing this. He keeps saying "but gentle parenting is getting us nowhere with him"

All it will teach him is that force is an acceptable way to solve a problem if you are big enough to get away with it.

Your husband obviously already believes this as he hurt you and then told you that your pain was irrelevant and anyway, he was justified in doing it.

How do I have this talk with DH?

Through a police officer or lawyer's letter, ideally. He physically abused your son and when you tried to stop him, he physically abused you. Read that as many times as you need until it sinks in.

Gentle parenting sounds like some kind of drippy woo cop-out,

Have you looked at therapeutic parenting, which does recommend boundaries etc

Are some posters missing the part that OP's husband hits them?

If he snaps a dc's arm how will that be explained at A&E? Wil you defend him or tell the truth op? Because either way you are in the wrong. Currently you enable him to assault your dc...

@topcat2014

Gentle parenting sounds like some kind of drippy woo cop-out,

Have you looked at therapeutic parenting, which does recommend boundaries etc

Gentle parenting is pretty much just not doing the damaging bits of 'normal parenting' and its reward/sanction obsession without the overtly reparative stuff you'd get in therapeutic parenting. So not drippy woo although not as good as therapeutic work I grant you.

But the OP is married to an abuser so her parenting style really isn't the pressing concern anyway tbh.

Why wouldnt your son be violent when your DH is, I never understand parents who expect a level of behaviour control that they themselves do not posess

You need to leave this man, it is highly likely that it helps with your DS's behaviour, at the very least it will stop it getting worse

It is not normal to physically assault your wife because your child is misbehaving. What happens if your DSs behaviour escalates as a reaction to your DHs violence, and your DHs violence to you and that poor child escalates as well. A grown man can do a lot of damage in a short space of time.

You need to leave

You and your DC are being abused by your H.

He's modeling abuse especially when they witnessed him twisting your arm and throwing you across the room.

Your DS1 shouting at you as he witnesses his father doing it.

I'm guessing there are more incidents of your H shouting at you and grabbing you.

@CheekyHobson

How do I have this talk with DH?

Through a police officer or lawyer's letter, ideally. He physically abused your son and when you tried to stop him, he physically abused you. Read that as many times as you need until it sinks in.

This 100%.

And no, he won't change.

Rereading your OP it's striking that your 4 year old's behaviour is 'terrifying' but your DH's doesn't get a mention. He's done a total number on you OP and you can't see his abuse. No wonder you are confused when you're being gaslighted like this.

My son is 21 and severely handicapped and has had very challenging behavior (and frankly we have been through hell and back with him) but if I had another adult in my life who behaved like an abusive asshole towards him I'd kick him out of our lives so fast (and with my foot up his ass as well!) You need additional help and support with all this change going on in your lives

I am confused because I was raised by a family who stopped me from biting from biting me back etc, I know that it's wrong now but I wouldn't call them abusers.

Same as DH's family, his Dad used to beat him all the time to manage their behaviour and again, he doesn't seem like an abuser.

My heads fucked.

By "terrifying", I mean DS attempts to use knives to cause harm, talks about wanting to burn people alive, has grabbed DS3's hair and throw him onto the floor. As examples. But yes, I know he is only 4 years old and has gone through and is still going through a lot. I love him and do not think he should be receiving violence back.

Your son is behaving violent because he's witnessing and experiencing violence. His behavior is being exacerbated by your husband's. Yes, your husband's father was an abusive parent. What will you do if your husband breaks a bone?

I’m not sure I’m reading this right. He slapped a 4 year old?
That would have been the end of the relationship for me right there.

How would you expect a child minder to care for your son? Would you accept violence from anyone else involved in your sons care? A grandparent? A sibling? A teacher? What does being a father mean for him to be given the right to harm?

I was smacked as a child (in the regular way that happened back then). For many years I went around saying it did me no harm until it hit home how it had affected me. It taught me that only men give out punishment, that it would be physical and humiliating and that my mum was not on my side and often used him to do the punishing for her. I was alone in those moments and trusted no-one. All violence from adults is incomprehensible to children no matter how much adults may think it is appropriate or acceptable in wider society.

Your husband's abuse is not a communication problem. There is nothing you could say that will make him change his behaviour because 1) he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and 2) he feels he's entitled as a father and a husband. Please call women's aid. I contacted them in not nearly as a precarious situation as you are in and they were lovely and really understood.

Where on earth has a 4 year old heard about burning people alive? Is he getting it off TV that you/DH are watching? Wherever it's from, it's completely inappropriate content around a 4yo.

Put all knives well out of reach of children.

And you don't teach children that violence is bad by being violent to them. That's just nonsensical.

If your 4yo really is so out of control that he's 'terrifying', you need to speak to your GP.

I have asked for help from his school and the GP, neither are willing to help. I haven't a clue where he gets this stuff from, I can only assume school because that's when it all started. We certainly don't watch anything that isn't age appropriate with him, he doesn't have access to the Internet and the vast majority of the time I'm playing with him.

I was raised by a family who stopped me from biting from biting me back etc, I know that it's wrong now but I wouldn't call them abusers.

Same as DH's family, his Dad used to beat him all the time to manage their behaviour and again, he doesn't seem like an abuser.

I'm very sorry to have to say this but this would clearly qualify as child abuse for most people and under the law of many countries. You may not classify this as abuse because it was normalised in your family, but it is not normal for society today. Yes, in the past things might have been done differently, but societal understandings evolve. Women used to be considered the property of their husband, and we certainly don't think this is still a valid viewpoint today.

By "terrifying", I mean DS attempts to use knives to cause harm, talks about wanting to burn people alive, has grabbed DS3's hair and throw him onto the floor. As examples. But yes, I know he is only 4 years old and has gone through and is still going through a lot.

This is absolutely concerning behaviour and should be receiving serious professional psychological intervention. Aggression and a struggle to feel empathy for others can have a genetic component, so it's not as simple as saying that your son has been "taught this". He may be expressing a genetic tendency for aggression and for having low empathy.

This can absolutely be overcome, especially when he is young, but 'gentle parenting' learned from a book or website is not going to be enough. On the other hand, violence in return and an unstable home environment is likely to increase these tendencies significantly and make them far worse.

So you need to seek family psychological counselling and diagnosis, along with good strategies prescribed by a professional to fix this. If you are both struggling to deal with the trauma of the death of a child, you are all under a lot of pressure. There is no need to be hard on yourselves about this –anyone would struggle – but the important thing is to STOP sweeping this under the carpet, acknowledge that this is a serious and complex situation and nobody (through no fault of their own) is able to deal with it well, and get real professional help as soon as possible.

Does your DH watch violent tv programs or play violent computer games?

But where do we get help? I've already asked the school and GP.

@RantyAunty not at all.

I have asked for help from his school and the GP, neither are willing to help.

Try another GP, refer your family to social services, do whatever it takes to get someone to pay some attention. It simply is not normal or acceptable for a child to be trying to hurt others with knives or talking about burning people alive. Something serious is going on and you should not let it be easily dismissed. Your son is worth more than that.