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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum wants to stay with us, but my partner doesn't want her to.

142 replies

SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 08:48

My mum is 74 and my step dad left her out of the blue 4 years ago. Since then she has gone down hill emotionally and physically. The house that my mum and step dad owned together was sold and my mum has moved in with my brother in a flat in London. I live with my partner in a 3 bedroomed house with a lovely garden. My mum would like to come and stay with us for maximum of 2 weeks to have a break and a change of scenery. I would love my mum to come and stay (as I'm very close to her), but my partner isn't too keen. He says that she interfers when she stays and feels like an outsider. I don't see that my mum interfers, she just keeps herself occupied by cleaning our house and gardening whilst we are at work. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
Kbyodjs · 10/01/2022 08:52

Is he saying she can’t stay at all or for the 2 weeks? Personally having my mil here (or my mum) for 2 weeks would be far too much: could she not come for a shorter amount of time that he agrees to? Then when she’s here ask him to tell you if he feels she’s interfering so you can understand what he’s referencing.

Bumtum126 · 10/01/2022 08:54

Well one persons interfering is another's helping. I'd see if you could agree to a week and see how it goes.

HeddaGarbled · 10/01/2022 08:55

Agree with him that you won’t let her interfere. Take the time off to spend with her so you can make sure she doesn’t.

Original poster
SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 08:55

Thank you, I'll do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 08:56

Thanks, I'll do that.

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 10/01/2022 08:58

My mil is really lovely and sounds exactly like your mum, but 2 weeks is too long and by the end of week 1, I start to bristle for no particular reason. She is your mum not his and you can't expect him to have the same depth of feeling or desire to host her for 2 weeks. Suggest a long weekend or 5/6 days and you can always do it again in a few months or whenever DH is away.

MMmomDD · 10/01/2022 08:58

I think you think really carefully about sharing a life with a partner like that.
Your mom isn’t trying to move in, it’s a visit. And as you say - you are close. And she’s had a hard time lately.

Do you have kids? Or planing to with him?
I wouldn’t, as he seems to only prioritise himself and his needs.

That said - between you and your brother - you do need to get your mom to a better place - mentally and otherwise. What happened with the money from the house sale? She needs to have her own place - probably close to one of you. And needs to try to get out her depressed state.

DropYourSword · 10/01/2022 08:58

I initially thought you wanted her to move in with you!
Two Wells might be a like frustrating for him but he could definitely manage. My mother in law is painful but I could still manage 2 weeks, especially if I was still going to work!
Does he just feel that her doing cleaning is gardening is somehow a veiled criticism. Personally I’d be very happy someone did some free cleaning or gardening for me but I know it irritates the absolute shit out of my otherwise very paid and lovely mother!

Original poster
SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 09:00

The thing is, my partner lived with me and my mum whilst we were selling the house with no issues, and he was perfectly happy. But now the table has turned, he doesn't like it and it seems a bit unfair.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 10/01/2022 09:00

Oh god, the errors in my post.
I’m sure you can work out most of them but two wells = two weeks, and I definitely meant my lovely placid mother!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2022 09:01

He is probably concerned as well that a two week proposed visit could be stretched out a lot longer. Do you think he has a point?. After all, he lives in this house too.

What do you want to achieve by her potentially staying with you for two weeks?. What do you think this will achieve; such a move could have her feeling and being ever more dependent emotionally as well as physically on you. How is your brother's relationship with his mother now?. Has she on some level really expected her now adult children to look after her?.

Do you really want your mother to be cleaning your home and doing your gardening?.

Its not really down to you to step in and help her like this; she has to want to help her own self rather than merely look to you for company. There is also a fine line here between helping and enabling. Enabling helps no-one here and would give you a false sense of control.

Snuggledupforwinter · 10/01/2022 09:01

2 weeks is too long. Is she coming because your DB finds her too much living with her? I wouldn't be too keen on my MIL cleaning my house and going through my things so I get what your DP means, and maybe she needs to meet her friends and do some hobbies. Gardening is weather dependent this time of year so what will she do if it rains for 2 weeks? If she's visiting surely you'd take a few days off work to go out with her or stay in rather than her acting like a cleaner?

NoSquirrels · 10/01/2022 09:02

Two weeks is a big chunk of time, especially if it’s 2 weekends in a month too.

Compromise on one week, and make sure you take time out with your mum and encourage him to go out with his mates in the evenings.

StrifeOfBath · 10/01/2022 09:03

It can be really irritating having ILs to stay, but that’s being a family.

He ‘feels like an outsider’ - diddums! Is he not caring enough to support your compassion for your Mum? Two weeks! Your brother has her full time!

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 10/01/2022 09:05

Well what she going to do if and when its time for her to move in with you permanently, afterall your brother's flat doesnt sound the ideal place for her to spend the rest of her days? Unless he expects you to put your mother in a home!

Fenelladepompom · 10/01/2022 09:06

Maybe do 5 days for this first visit and see how you go from there?

Original poster
SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 09:08

@MMmomDD

Thank you so much for your message. That has really made me feel better.

My mum is in such a hard place at the moment and it's heartbreaking to see her deteriorate. She was such an active, strong lady who has gone down hill so much. As she's living with my brother, she just wants to come to stay with us for a change of scenery and also to give my brother a break. She has the sale proceeds from the house, but it's not much and she probably wouldn't even be able to afford to live on her own as she only has a small state pension.

Its really hard hearing my partner saying that my mum interfers when I know she is just genuinely trying to help us out (or me out as my partner doesn't do much around the house or the garden).

I could ask her to stay for a week (like others have kindly suggested) but I would like my partner to make my mum feel a little bit welcome, even if he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
tricksyt · 10/01/2022 09:08

Would he agree to a long weekend?

I love my MIL, but having her in my home for 2 weeks would drive me doolally.

yossell · 10/01/2022 09:11

I'm on your partner's side. Talk to him about the issue. My MIL behaved as he describes. It's not noticeable to the partner, but there were many divisive, passive aggressive acts which ended up with me having to hide in my very own house.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/01/2022 09:18

I think the issue is that he feels shown up as lazy by your Mother.

If she's here a depressed 74 year old woman will end up being more helpful in the home than an able bodied adult male who is supposed to be your partner.

That's not a nice side of him is it (I agree two weeks is a long time though). If I had the money I'd go away with my Mother for a week instead.

irene9 · 10/01/2022 09:18

Why would she do your housework and gardening? That would really annoy me in my own house.
It sounds like she's very active.
Why not encourage her to rent her own place? Is that possible?
She needs to have her independence encouraged rather than being dependent on her adult children to house her.
Your partner probably thinks your mother will end up living there permanently. If your brother needs a 'break' from her then she probably shouldn't be living with him really.

lechatnoir · 10/01/2022 09:20

[quote SugarBabe18]@MMmomDD

Thank you so much for your message. That has really made me feel better.

My mum is in such a hard place at the moment and it's heartbreaking to see her deteriorate. She was such an active, strong lady who has gone down hill so much. As she's living with my brother, she just wants to come to stay with us for a change of scenery and also to give my brother a break. She has the sale proceeds from the house, but it's not much and she probably wouldn't even be able to afford to live on her own as she only has a small state pension.

Its really hard hearing my partner saying that my mum interfers when I know she is just genuinely trying to help us out (or me out as my partner doesn't do much around the house or the garden).

I could ask her to stay for a week (like others have kindly suggested) but I would like my partner to make my mum feel a little bit welcome, even if he doesn't want to.[/quote]
Ok well now your OH just sounds like a knob so I'd crack on.

Why doesn't he do anything around the house if you're both working or have young dc? And is he prickly with her all the time? Christ my MIL stayed for over 2 weeks after FIL died and I found that 2nd week really hard (no reason, just having her there all the time I guess) but there is no way I'd let her sense that - yes I moaned on here and to a girlfriend but she is very much part of our family and in a time of need so I'd be mortified if she felt anything other than welcome.

MrsClatterbuck · 10/01/2022 09:21

Maybe your mum helping is actually showing him up if he doesn't do anything around the house or garden. Maybe that needs addressed. Also I would point out he was happy for her to put you both up when you needed somewhere to stay. I'm guessing you stayed longer than 2 weeks. But hypocritical of him is it not?

Buildingthefuture · 10/01/2022 09:22

Personally, I don’t like having anyone stay at my house for more than 2-3 nights, but in the situation you describe, where your Mum is obviously having a hard time? And your brother has her full time too? If it was my MIL I would absolutely grin and bear it and make her as welcome as possible and if it was my mother, I would expect my DH to do the same, and actually, I know that he would (he might moan a bit in private, but he’d get on with it!)

2Rebecca · 10/01/2022 09:22

It sounds as though your mum doesn't need a break but a long term plan. 2 weeks is a long time but not excessive. I presume she lives a long way away for it not just to be 1 week. Is she looking at sheltered housing? If I was you partner I'd be concerned she'd start moaning when it was time to go after 2 weeks and ended up staying for 20 years. 74 is young not to be independant