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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mum wants to stay with us, but my partner doesn't want her to.

142 replies

SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 08:48

My mum is 74 and my step dad left her out of the blue 4 years ago. Since then she has gone down hill emotionally and physically. The house that my mum and step dad owned together was sold and my mum has moved in with my brother in a flat in London. I live with my partner in a 3 bedroomed house with a lovely garden. My mum would like to come and stay with us for maximum of 2 weeks to have a break and a change of scenery. I would love my mum to come and stay (as I'm very close to her), but my partner isn't too keen. He says that she interfers when she stays and feels like an outsider. I don't see that my mum interfers, she just keeps herself occupied by cleaning our house and gardening whilst we are at work. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

JudgeRindersMinder · 10/01/2022 10:47

I think you need to have hard frank 3 way conversations about ground rules before she comes to stay, and you all need to stick to them.
And your partner needs to grow up and have some compassion

AppleJane · 10/01/2022 10:48

Are you saying that you and your DP lived with your mum in the past for a time but now he begrudges a 2 week holiday when she desperately needs it? You might need to point out to him that she helped out in your hour of need and now it's his turn!

AppleJane · 10/01/2022 10:51

On second thoughts I think your DP is worried that your mum will want to live with you full time instead of at your brother's flat.

JugglingJanuary · 10/01/2022 11:00

Well he's a selfish test isn't he.

Happy to have stayed at her house! But now doesn't want her to stay.

Gets annoyed because she helps YOU out, because it shows how lazy he is.

You need to think about whether you actually want to be with him. He's not sounding very nice here.

Finding yourself suddenly single at 70 is a whole different ball game to finding yourself suddenly single at 30.

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 11:05

@AppleJane

On second thoughts I think your DP is worried that your mum will want to live with you full time instead of at your brother's flat.

I thought this too. She needs a change of scenery - then decides she likes your scenery better, and you're in a house, not a flat, so have more space, so she might just stay for a little longer, etc.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 10/01/2022 11:07

Your partner is an arse. Your Mum needs some support for two bloody weeks. It's not a lifetime. Take some time off work so you can spend some time with her and take her out so he doesn't have to be with her all the time, and re-think your life with this selfish man.

Ourlady · 10/01/2022 11:16

Your partner sounds like a right selfish git! It was okay for your mother to put him up when he needed it and he can’t even extend the same courtesy for a measly two weeks.

Covidclaire · 10/01/2022 11:17

Its really hard hearing my partner saying that my mum interfers when I know she is just genuinely trying to help us out (or me out as my partner doesn't do much around the house or the garden).
I could ask her to stay for a week (like others have kindly suggested) but I would like my partner to make my mum feel a little bit welcome, even if he doesn't want to.

I think your partner really needs to grow up. Part of being an adult, and even more so when you are in a relationship, is doing things you don’t necessarily want to do because they are important to someone else. I wouldn’t dream of telling OH his parents couldn’t come to stay, especially if they were having a hard time, if it was important to him.

I’m sorry OP but this, along with his reluctance to do much around the house and garden makes him sound pretty selfish.

H1Drangea · 10/01/2022 11:26

I think a compromise .. she arrives on Saturday , the two of you have a day out on Sunday
DP and you go to work as normal , but you take Friday off and take Dmum away for a long weekend ( hotel by the sea , or Airbnb apartment city break for example , shouldn’t be too pricey this time of year , a nice change of scenery for you both )
Back to yours Sunday evening , Dmum back to brothers on Monday or Tuesday.
Long term though , your Dmum needs her own place , where you and DB can support her

SenecaFallsRedux · 10/01/2022 11:30

Really surprised by some of these answers. There's no question my mum would be welcome to stay in my house for however long she needed if she's having a hard time. Our parents raise us, feed us and house us for usually 20ish years and then 2 weeks is too much?

I agree with this. I'm stunned at some of the answers on here. I'm also stunned that some people would think it OK to respond to a mother's request to come for two weeks with "Could you just come for a week? Or a long weekend?"

BashStreetKid · 10/01/2022 11:30

Its really hard hearing my partner saying that my mum interfers when I know she is just genuinely trying to help us out (or me out as my partner doesn't do much around the house or the garden).

I'm not a great one for cleaning either, but the thought of leaving someone, even someone as close as my mother, alone in the house cleaning it would give me the heebie-jeebies. I'd always be uncomfortable that they might put things away in the wrong place, or would find things I didn't want them to find, or might break things, or might just be silently disapproving of my tidiness/cleaning standards. So I can see your partner's point.

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2022 11:36

@SugarBabe18

The thing is, my partner lived with me and my mum whilst we were selling the house with no issues, and he was perfectly happy. But now the table has turned, he doesn't like it and it seems a bit unfair.

Very unfair.

Remind him of that

Norwolf · 10/01/2022 11:36

Just out of curiosity, how long did you both stay with your mum when house searching/moving?

If its definitely a 2 week stay, I do have to say that your husband is coming across as very selfish. Yes, no one wants to have their personal space interfered with, BUT your mum did extend you this same courtesy when you both had nowhere else to go to.

AmyDudley · 10/01/2022 11:37

Surely anyone can manage for two weeks ? its not that long in the big scheme of things - I thought from your title she wanted to move in !
Your partner needs to cope - he was happy to stay with your Mum when it suited him - at least he owes her the same consideration, she opened up her hoe to yo when you needed it.
Also I think you need to give your brother a break - he's doing to bulk of the caring (or such caring that is needed - emotional support etc) I would point out that if your brother gets fed up because he never gets a break and some time to himself, you might end up having you mother stay permanently because your DB will say ' your turn now'.

grapewine · 10/01/2022 11:39

@AppleJane

On second thoughts I think your DP is worried that your mum will want to live with you full time instead of at your brother's flat.

This was my first thought.

Justcashnosweets · 10/01/2022 11:42

What a world we live in when people see elderly parents/in laws as a hindrance. Ffs, its 2 weeks! I would have my Mum or MIL for 2 weeks in a heartbeat, as would my OH. Your partner sounds like a lazy pig. I would have your Mum to stay regardless, it was all well and good for him for you both to stay with her when you needed somewhere to go, so the least he can do is return the favour.

saraclara · 10/01/2022 11:42

my partner lived with me and my mum whilst we were selling the house

I think a lot of people have missed this bit. Even if it wasn't a kind thing to do for someone who's struggling, it's only fair to let her stay for two weeks, when she let him live with her for however long.

Also OP's DB has her living with him all the time. He deserves a break and it's only fair to step up to support him.

This lady doesn't sound difficult at all. It's hardly like he's got to host the MIL from hell.

saraclara · 10/01/2022 11:44

I'm imagining the OP

"My Mum lives with us, but both she and we really need a break from caring. We've asked if DB would have her for a couple of weeks - a little holiday for her, and a break for us. But his wife says no..."

chasingrain · 10/01/2022 11:45

He was quite happy for her to put him up whilst you were selling your house. He is being really selfish

FryingpanintoFire · 10/01/2022 11:56

So many pp ignoring this.

And as he doesn't pull his weight in the house and garden he shouldn't get to criticise her for helping out there either.

Silvershroud · 10/01/2022 11:59

If the two weeks go well, and she is happy with you, could she live with you permanently? It would solve a lot of issues for you and her.

Anon2022 · 10/01/2022 12:09

Shocked by the comments about “ what is the point in having her over ? She needs to crack on rebuilding her life … after divorce / ill health/ covid age 74”

fFS it I s OPs mum… is she not allowed to show some compassion and look after her? Just as her mum did to her as an adult child when she moved in with her DP ?

My DH finds family to stay impossible and I do wonder if it’s true about race and culture ? I may be flamed but most Asian families ( not all) would look after their parents in a heartbeat … 2 weeks is nothing ! You probably have random friends come and visit for a weekend … and brother has her FT

I do feel very sad for those older people whose children couldn’t do what they want to for their parents and their own peace of mind and sense of dignity … because of DP. But the strength of those saying they couldn’t cope with 2 weeks of MIL visiting makes me think there are families where kindness is not expected

I guess they may be the families where in laws charge each other for occasional babysitting
Etc
Or terrible gifts or Christmas visits

I hope you and DP can agree to find a way to include your mum in a short visit and make it positive for her

I agree - take some time off / flexi work so you can do nice things without DP as well as with him . Don’t make it 2 weeks and 3 weekends . Make sure DP has some treats to look forward to also

Good luck

SallyWD · 10/01/2022 12:24

I think your partner is being unkind. I realise lots of people wouldn't want to stay with their in-laws for 2 weeks but in the scheme of things it's not that long. I've just spent 3 weeks with my in-laws. Yes I was very happy to get the house back to ourselves but it was fine really. If it got too much I just went to my room, out for a walk. Your partner needs to look at the big picture - your mum is already living full time with your brother in a flat so in that respect you really have it easy. EVen if your brother and mum are very close it must be a huge strain on him to be looking after a mother 24/7 who is physically and mentally deteriorating. The least you can do is ease his burden for 2 small weeks! I'm aiming this at your DP not you. Also your mum is clearly struggling with life at the moment and as her family you can support and help her by letting her stay. I think your DP should just suck it up to be honest. Wouldn't you do the same for his mum?

Horst · 10/01/2022 12:44

I think his worried she will want to stay.

Yes a break of a week or two may be nice for your mum maybe a little long. Yes she let you both stay when you was moving and he seemed ok but I’m guessing that’s because you needed to not because you just fancied it. It’s also very different moving in knowing there is a end goal and being out at work most of the day then having someone else in your home alone while your at work all day.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/01/2022 12:46

My opinion is that if your mum does this:
Its really hard hearing my partner saying that my mum interferes when I know she is just genuinely trying to help us out (or me out as my partner doesn't do much around the house or the garden). then your partner doesn't get to criticise you or her because they are not pulling their weight.

Your partner sees this as interfering, you see it as help, your mum probably sees it as help too. Why not get your partner to do the things that your mum does when she visits (but does them all the time before and after visits) and then there wouldn't be any interference.

That's just what I've taken from this thread.

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