My mum wants to stay with us, but my partner doesn't want her to.

[SugarBabe18]

My mum is 74 and my step dad left her out of the blue 4 years ago. Since then she has gone down hill emotionally and physically. The house that my mum and step dad owned together was sold and my mum has moved in with my brother in a flat in London. I live with my partner in a 3 bedroomed house with a lovely garden. My mum would like to come and stay with us for maximum of 2 weeks to have a break and a change of scenery. I would love my mum to come and stay (as I'm very close to her), but my partner isn't too keen. He says that she interfers when she stays and feels like an outsider. I don't see that my mum interfers, she just keeps herself occupied by cleaning our house and gardening whilst we are at work. I don't know what to do?

she wont be around forever,
see her while you can
nothing is guaranteed in life.
tomorrow is not guaranteed

Why shouldn't your mother come to visit to give both her and your brother a break? Surely the responsibility for her care should be split equally between you and your brother? I think you can spare two weeks if she's living with your brother full time!

Your OH sounds like kind of a dick, do you like him generally apart from this issue? If he's a reasonable person he should be able to make this sacrifice for you.

Tbh your partner sounds like a selfish, lazy prick. No man would be telling me that my mother couldn't stay with me for a couple of weeks.

If I felt as if my daughter wasn't willing to let me stay at her home for 2 weeks I would feel pretty crap . Let her stay make memories and be lucky you mum is still with you. Life's too short. Stuff what your partner says he will get over it . I would never be able to leave my mother even if I'm overcrowded my mum is my mum and whatever day time is it she is always welcome 🙏

This is a difficult one. On the one hand, I would struggle to have my MIL (or even my mum for that matter) in my house for 2 weeks "helping". I have been managing my own household in some way or another since I was 17 and don't need interfering under the guise of "helping". Both women are lovely, lovely people but if you are in my house you're a guest, I don't need mothering and if you won't listen to that and try to fold my washing or start weeding my flowerbeds you will not be coming back to stay. Both women know this.

On the other hand, my DH and I share the load equally. If he was uncomfortable with my mum doing something or vice versa we have each other's backs (forsaking all others) but if he was lazy and useless with house and garden work he wouldn't have a leg to stand on by telling me I couldn't have my mum to come and help.

Compromise; invite her for one week beginning on a Monday. Then DP only has two full days with her.

You have a range of issues OP.

Lovely house you might have - but a selfish immature partner who does nothing around the house, dictates who you have to stay and 'feels like an outsider' when his partner is spending time with her own mum. Is he generally jealous / insecure / possessive?

This arrangement with your Mum living with your brother sounds fraught with the possibility to go wrong. I don't know how she can regain her sense of independence and strength when she is so dependent. Of course she can live in her own - many do. She will get CT discount, her bills will be low, she can get Pension Credit as well as her state pension. Will her money from the house buy her a flat? Is your brother really prepared to have her live with him, as she grows increasingly frail in her 80s, for possibly the next 20 years? If not, act now before she gets older. 74 isn't that old! And if she is able to clean and garden at your house she is fit and able enough to live alone.

I would have her to stay for the 2 weeks (and tell your DP to whistle) but spend time with her looking at finances, possible flats etc. Take her out, get her interests up, encourage her to see herself a bit differently. get her confidence and courage back up - i.e don't treat her like a frail old invalid!

Let's see. Brother has MIL (in a flat) for 50 weeks of the year. You are being asked if you can have her for two. Which side of that equation would your DH prefer to be on?

I adored my MIL and FIL, but yes, even a week would feel like ages. But if my SIL had them the rest of the year, I'd be eternally grateful to her and her DH, and not show even a glimmer of reluctance to help them out for two weeks.

To be honest, giving my inlaws things to do was the most comfortable way of handling their visits. It can be boring and awkward staying in someone else's house for long, so they wanted to have a purpose and be busy. My FIL absolutely LOVED ironing! He'd ask about it within minutes of walking through the door! I found myself putting on needless washes just so he had something to iron!

Ok put the DHs lack of housework to one side. Two weeks is a long time to have someone in your house and I suspect that once she has visited once for two weeks, she'll want it to be a regular thing.

I think a week is a reasonable length of time, and then a week at a future date this year.

DB chose to live together with her and whilst it's good to welcome family, an open ended invitation or one that your spouse is not happy with doesn't feel like a good thing, even if you're happy with it.

Will DM be devastated that she can't come for two weeks - well I hope not if you present it as one week now, one week later in the year. She's 74 and will hopefully have a good few more holidays in her, so perhaps she now needs to try and cast her net a bit wider with friends rather than solely relying on her DCs. I mean that to be kindly by the way as her life would be more fulfilled.

Perhaps you could use it as a bargaining chip so if DM usually does x,y and z then DH needs to start doing those tasks.

Thing is, staying in the MILs house would have been different, the OPs DH could adapt by living by her rules. But it seems like the OP DM won't accept not interfering, have you asked her not to clean / do the gardening at yours? Not to act like she's in charge at your house about the standard things should be done?

2 weeks is a long time in one stretch if you aren't prepared to set somw ground rules with your DM to make sure your DH isn't miserable in his own home. Would 2 visits of just under a week work better?

I'm a bit biased on this though as my MIL managed to kill BILs fish by deciding to "help" by cleaning the kitchen with bleach, including the fish tank filter. How BIL didn't lose his shit with my brother is still a mystery. My mother also helped by "tidying up that messy dining table" - or rather all BILs paperwork for his accountant set out in separate piles. This was the same visit. My parents have stayed in hotels when visiting brother since then.

To echo the others though, can you call your brother, is your mum living with him too much? Would he prefer for her to find her own place? You could help her find a flat or smallhouse near you.

I am not one to usually be sending out this type of warning on MN.....but I would tread with great care.

You love your mum.
You are close to your mother.
She has been a good mother.
She put you up whilst you were between homes.
She is staying with your brother, who must be a kind man.
She's looking for a change of scene for two weeks.
She's had a tough time.

Be very wary of not doing the RIGHT thing here.

The RIGHT thing to do is to have your mum visit and for her to be welcomed.

At 74 and unwell, who knows how many times she will visit.

You will bitterly regret not doing what you feel is right.

You will bitterly regret putting a lazy selfish CF of a partner before helping out a lovely mother.

Two weeks is nothing in the scheme of things.

If your brother is supporting her so much, I would suggest it is the least you can do.

Don't be pushed into a position that will leave you consumed by regret and upset.

This waster you have chosen is showing you who he is.

For goodness sake wake up before it's too late.

It's not her place to be cleaning your house and doing your garden. I suspect she's lining herself up for a more permanent move in the future. Not to be encouraged. How long does she plan on living with your brother? Not on really.
And yes, two weeks is too long. Would she not realise that?
Does she has friends of her own, hobbies?

I think your DP is worried that your mum will want to live with you full time instead of at your brother's flat

The same occurred to me

At least staying at MIL's place was a temporary thing, but she could easily hope for this to become permanent, and I can only imagine the tension if she spends any visit insisting how much better the house is as a place to live

it seems like the OP's DM won't accept not interfering

It also seems that OP herself has no problem with this, which could make discussions difficult

If the dripfeed about the partner doing little around the house is correct that's something else that needs talking about, but for me this is another of those cases where it would be interesting to hear the DP's take on things

How is just helping around the house (with OP's 'permission') and doing a bit of gardening, interfering?

I don't get it. She's family. Unless she's compelling abbot the state of the place of moving your furniture around/digging up your favourite plants to suit herself,v what exactly is she intending work?

What's she'd supposed to do all day if she's not allowed to help out or potter in the garden?

Compelling abbot? Complaining about. FFS.

It's not her place to be cleaning your house and doing your garden.

.....and yet can you imagine the thread if a DM or DMiL comes to stay for a fortnight and didn't try and help out ??
Classic case of not being able to do right for doing wrong.

I expect anyone staying with me for longer than one mealtime to muck in, as I would if I stay with someone else. I certainly wouldn't ever expect someone to wait on me hand and foot whilst I was still physically able.

@Anon2022

Shocked by the comments about “ what is the point in having her over ? She needs to crack on rebuilding her life … after divorce / ill health/ covid age 74”

fFS it I s OPs mum… is she not allowed to show some compassion and look after her? Just as her mum did to her as an adult child when she moved in with her DP ?

My DH finds family to stay impossible and I do wonder if it’s true about race and culture ? I may be flamed but most Asian families ( not all) would look after their parents in a heartbeat … 2 weeks is nothing ! You probably have random friends come and visit for a weekend … and brother has her FT

I do feel very sad for those older people whose children couldn’t do what they want to for their parents and their own peace of mind and sense of dignity … because of DP. But the strength of those saying they couldn’t cope with 2 weeks of MIL visiting makes me think there are families where kindness is not expected

I guess they may be the families where in laws charge each other for occasional babysitting
Etc
Or terrible gifts or Christmas visits

I hope you and DP can agree to find a way to include your mum in a short visit and make it positive for her

I agree - take some time off / flexi work so you can do nice things without DP as well as with him . Don’t make it 2 weeks and 3 weekends . Make sure DP has some treats to look forward to also

Good luck

I am equally shocked .My mum stays for a minimum of 6 months and my husband is perfectly fine and she has been with my sister for the past one year . She has her own home but will be home alone and lonely so we prefer her staying with us .I guess it's a cultural thing .

2 weeks is nothing .please let her stay .your partner is selfish

I wouldn't be staying with a boyfriend who wouldn't let my own parent visit. Who does he think he is!! Very different thing if she wanted to live with you both but it's just a visit. He sounds controlling @SugarBabe18

.....and yet can you imagine the thread if a DM or DMiL comes to stay for a fortnight and didn't try and help out ??

There's a difference between helping out with, say, the washing up after a meal, or maybe offering to do a bit of weeding, and regularly cleaning the house and gardening when left on your own every day. I would find it really intrusive if a guest was doing that, and I would always be worrying that they'd do something wrong or that it was some sort of implied criticism of my failure to do whatever it was.

Sorry but your partner sounds really selfish. Your brother has no respite at all so as his sibling, I'd encourage you to put your foot down to have your mum for the full 2 weeks for your brother's support too. You should remind your partner of your mums generosity when selling your house...he can go on a weeks jolly if he is so put out

Any chance of finding a place for you and your mum and ditching the 'D'P?

I thought you were going to say for a few months, or forever! But two weeks? He needs to abide. Two weeks is nothing, and family is the most important thing in life, so I would go for it.

Your mum should be welcomed to stay for 2 weeks, especially after the hard time she’s had.

Your dp sounds lazy, not doing anything to help around the house.

Maybe get rid of him and have your mum move in with you ? At least she’ll pull her weight !