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Original poster

My mum wants to stay with us, but my partner doesn't want her to.

142 replies

SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 08:48

My mum is 74 and my step dad left her out of the blue 4 years ago. Since then she has gone down hill emotionally and physically. The house that my mum and step dad owned together was sold and my mum has moved in with my brother in a flat in London. I live with my partner in a 3 bedroomed house with a lovely garden. My mum would like to come and stay with us for maximum of 2 weeks to have a break and a change of scenery. I would love my mum to come and stay (as I'm very close to her), but my partner isn't too keen. He says that she interfers when she stays and feels like an outsider. I don't see that my mum interfers, she just keeps herself occupied by cleaning our house and gardening whilst we are at work. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

saraclara · 10/01/2022 12:50

@Horst

I think his worried she will want to stay.

Yes a break of a week or two may be nice for your mum maybe a little long. Yes she let you both stay when you was moving and he seemed ok but I’m guessing that’s because you needed to not because you just fancied it. It’s also very different moving in knowing there is a end goal and being out at work most of the day then having someone else in your home alone while your at work all day.

It's not long compared to OP's brother's commitment. If the tables were turned, it wouldn't seem unreasonable at all.

I imagine that OP's mum finds it hard sometimes not having her own place and having to fit around her son's needs. And OP's brother deserves a proper break. A few days is barely going to give him any downtime at all

I don't think this is just about MIL 'fancying a change'. I think she knows that she's a burden to the brother. It would be nice if OP's husband didn't make her feel that way, and had some empathy for his BIL.

Kite22 · 10/01/2022 12:57

Two weeks is an awfully long time 'for a little break'.
It is a long time to have someone in your home if it makes you feel you can't relax.
why not ask her to come for a few days, and maybe book to go away for a few days with her in a month or so?

PerseverancePays · 10/01/2022 13:07

She doesn’t have to live on just the basic state pension, there’s various top ups that make it much more manageable. You could do some research before she comes to stay.
Sounds like your mother would benefit from some chats, maybe Age Uk would be a good place to start, they would help her look at her options.
Having her own place to look forward to might be a real lift for her. Its terrible to be suddenly left, but at 70, so much worse somehow.
As for your partner, words fail me. Such a selfish attitude.

Snorkmaidenn · 10/01/2022 13:09

@Chloemol

Gosh lots of posts on her saying she shouldn’t stay for two weeks, it’s the ops mother,!

All I can say is I hope you are never in this position and your kids don’t want you to stay with them when you have issues and need their support

Totally agree. Years ago it was normal to have parents stay and even live with adult children. My great uncle used to stay and share a bed with my dad.

I guess it's a sign of the times, people used to their own space.

Guess it's a sign of

Snorkmaidenn · 10/01/2022 13:10

The times

billy1966 · 10/01/2022 13:12

He sounds like some piece of work.

Happy to accept your mothers kindness and hospitality, but now has a problem.

You are close to your mother and would like to support her during a difficult time.

OP, you don't have children, thank god.

This is not a good, kind man.

This is a selfish man and you would be a very silly woman to ignore his hypocrisy and selfishness.

This is a snapshot of who he is.

I suggest you have a serious rethink.

A good man would not hesitate to support your mother, particularly as you stayed with her.

He sounds like a selfish CF.

Buyer beware.

Support your mother.

ItchySnoof · 10/01/2022 13:13

I'm actually going to go against the grain here and say that perhaps your DP would find your Mum wouldn't "Interfere" if he got of his lazy arse and actually helped you himself with the house and garden!

It's your Mum and she needs support. He is being a dick.

billy1966 · 10/01/2022 13:15

Oh and he's a lazy man as well.

What a surprise🙄.

Selfish, lazy CF.

What a prince.

Not.

SallyWD · 10/01/2022 13:20

Just a thought - could she stay with you for a week then you and your mum have a week away together somewhere? You don't have tell your mum your DP doesn't want her there for 2 weeks. You could say you really fancied/needed a break yourself. That way you and your mum can have quality time together and not have to worry about your DP hating it. Me and my mum sometimes go away together and so does my DH and his mum. It's lovely. Or would your partner object to that too?

YourenutsmiLord · 10/01/2022 13:22

Can you get DH onside , with some input from DBro, to plan DM's future. What's on earth will happen long term. She could have another 20 years.
Can she rent somewhere then when savings run out get housing benefits etc to allow her to live there. Just because she seems to be going down hill doesn't mean she might have years ahead of her - lodging with whom? Whose house is ok for a frail old lady??

DeeCeeCherry · 10/01/2022 13:23

Its 2 weeks not 2 months or 2 years. I wouldn't be up for a man who needs that level of control. Shes your Mum not your mate and she's 74, what on earth is the matter with him?

my partner lived with me and my mum whilst we were selling the house with no issues, and he was perfectly happy. But now the table has turned, he doesn't like it and it seems a bit unfair

Says it all doesn't it. Its alright when your Mum's helping him out....

Selfish and entitled.

carolsforxmas · 10/01/2022 13:27

It would be helpful to understand exactly what your partner means by interfering. If she tries to get involved in your relationship, how your partner runs his life he may have a point. If it's an issue with her doing housework that he doesn't bother doing himself he isn't entitled to an opinion.

That said, in either case he is still being a bit of a brat. Your DM needs you and has helped you both out in the past. Would he accept the same response from you if it was his family member?

MaryStuart · 10/01/2022 13:27

@SugarBabe18

The thing is, my partner lived with me and my mum whilst we were selling the house with no issues, and he was perfectly happy. But now the table has turned, he doesn't like it and it seems a bit unfair.

Well he just sounds like a knob. Especially given your next post, where you say your Mum is in a really difficult post. It’s 2 weeks FFS, she’s not looking to move in. It’s your house too. And she’s your Mum. She clearly helped you both out when you needed it, so why won’t he now help her when she needs it?

MaryStuart · 10/01/2022 13:27

place not post

Doghaven · 10/01/2022 13:30

I just wanted to give some financial advice, you say you think your mum couldn't afford to live on her own as she only receives her state pension and she lives with your brother. She could be entitled to a council property near either him or yourselves with benefits to cover the cost of the bills and live independently.
My Mil lost her home through domestic abuse in her 70s and was entitled to this. she is also only on a small state pension but receives pension credit which subsidises her living expenses. the rest of living expenses is paid by benefits.

I would look into it and help your Mum to be independent. I obviously don't know her health or wellbeing and this is just financial advice.
Good luck.

Dozycuntlaters · 10/01/2022 13:31

Your partner is a selfish dick. Sorry but he is. Ok, so he doesn't want her staying for 2 weeks but this says a lot about how much he respects and cares about what you want....you know, the other half of this "partnership". My ex DH was the same, hated my family staying, made it so awkward although to be fair he hated anyone staying. If any of them used to call he would say to me "what do your lot want". He was a selfish dick too and I left him. of course, now when he talks about my family he makes out like they are the best thing since sliced bread.

I found it really difficult being with someone who was so unwelcoming to my family and uncaring as to how I felt about it. it ate away at me, and although I didn't leave him for that specific reason it certainly played a part. This is your mum ffs, and she's not in a good place and 74 years old. Tell him to go and live in a hotel for 2 weeks then, it's your place as much as it is his. And he's a total hypocrite not wanting here there, when he quite happily stayed in her house when it suited him.

MichelleScarn · 10/01/2022 13:39

How long did you live with your dm (or was it still when parents were together) did you have a place to move on to with a date of entry?
And what does he count as her interfering? Is she just helping out with a general tidy, or deep cleaning and in your drawers and cupboards?

baggies · 10/01/2022 13:40

@Chloemol

Gosh lots of posts on her saying she shouldn’t stay for two weeks, it’s the ops mother,!

All I can say is I hope you are never in this position and your kids don’t want you to stay with them when you have issues and need their support

Totally agree. Your mum is fairly old to deal with divorce and house being sold in emotional terms. A huge shock to the system. For whatever reason she lives with your brother and she's asked to come and visit for 2 weeks. How about a bit of compassion and nurturing of her by you both.

Sonofabiscuit · 10/01/2022 13:46

Hi op ,
Do either of you work from home ? If so is it a case of your Dp feels she would disturb him or you ?

Kitkat151 · 10/01/2022 13:47

@Snuggledupforwinter

2 weeks is too long. Is she coming because your DB finds her too much living with her? I wouldn't be too keen on my MIL cleaning my house and going through my things so I get what your DP means, and maybe she needs to meet her friends and do some hobbies. Gardening is weather dependent this time of year so what will she do if it rains for 2 weeks? If she's visiting surely you'd take a few days off work to go out with her or stay in rather than her acting like a cleaner?

So it’s fine for DP to have previously lived with MIL as it was convenient to him between house selling..... but now MIzl wants to say ( for only 2 weeks) he is moaning...... he needs to suck it up and not be so selfish after previously accepting his MILs hospitality ..... would you be this selfish?

BellaChagall · 10/01/2022 13:52

If my partner wouldn't allow my mum (no longer with us, but if she was) to stay in our home for 2 weeks he wouldn't be my partner for much longer. I can't believe the replies on here, so many saying they wouldn't allow their elderly mum to come and stay for a 2 week break.

BoredZelda · 10/01/2022 14:03

I would remind him that she helped him out when he needed it and now you are going to do the same.

This would be non negotiable for me.

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2022 14:10

Move your 'partner' out and your mother in.

He sounds like a waster. Do you enjoy being with him?

Conspiracyornotr · 10/01/2022 14:12

That's your mother I would definitely be having words with him and make him see that your mother needs a place to stay and feel loved and wanted . We only get 1 mum cherish her x

Conspiracyornotr · 10/01/2022 14:15

All.mums interfier that's what us mums do we worry and only want the best for our children. I wouldn't be having this fuck the partner your mother was their throughout all your life ?

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