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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mum wants to stay with us, but my partner doesn't want her to.

142 replies

SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 08:48

My mum is 74 and my step dad left her out of the blue 4 years ago. Since then she has gone down hill emotionally and physically. The house that my mum and step dad owned together was sold and my mum has moved in with my brother in a flat in London. I live with my partner in a 3 bedroomed house with a lovely garden. My mum would like to come and stay with us for maximum of 2 weeks to have a break and a change of scenery. I would love my mum to come and stay (as I'm very close to her), but my partner isn't too keen. He says that she interfers when she stays and feels like an outsider. I don't see that my mum interfers, she just keeps herself occupied by cleaning our house and gardening whilst we are at work. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

backtolifebacktoreality · 10/01/2022 23:05

Why don't you and your mum go away on holiday together?

saraclara · 10/01/2022 23:08

@BashStreetKid

.....and yet can you imagine the thread if a DM or DMiL comes to stay for a fortnight and didn't try and help out ??

There's a difference between helping out with, say, the washing up after a meal, or maybe offering to do a bit of weeding, and regularly cleaning the house and gardening when left on your own every day. I would find it really intrusive if a guest was doing that, and I would always be worrying that they'd do something wrong or that it was some sort of implied criticism of my failure to do whatever it was.

There is no indication that OP's DM is taking over the housework in any way. And she's not a 'guest', she's OP's mum.

If OP normally does all the housework, and she's happy with her mum helping out, then there's no problem is there? Her DH doesn't involve himself in housework so why should he care what she does?

RantyAunty · 11/01/2022 00:06

Please tell me this isn't the controlling twat who was still married to someone else?

Hotyogahotchoc · 11/01/2022 02:29

Would you have your MIL stat with you for two weeks?

My first thought was that your partner is being a bit mean and you should be able to have your mum over but I also think two weeks is a long time to have someone stay with you and I have friends who wouldn't let their MIL stay for two weeks.

Can she stay out of your partner's way?

I also think it's wrong of you to say she doesn't interfere if that's how he feels.

turnaroundtime · 11/01/2022 07:01

All the people from cultures where we look after and love family from cradle to grave are weeping at these comments. It's not a wonder western society js so broken. 2 weeks is nothing.

SallyWD · 11/01/2022 07:31

I'm white British but married to an Indian. His mind would be blown if he read these comments. 2 weeks is nothing! You look after fanily because that's what families do.

SallyWD · 11/01/2022 07:41

My MIL comes to stay for 2 to 3 weeks at a time. Yes if I'm honest I'd prefer it if she came for a long weekend (she's a perfect guest but I like my space) however i do it for her, for my DH and my children. I know she's old and very lonely and struggles alone. For me to say no would be very selfish. Likewise my DH welcomes and encourages my parents to stay. I'm sure it's not always easy for him but he values family and duty. He's not selfish.

Thewookiemustgo · 11/01/2022 09:10

@THisbackwithavengeance

“Come on OP, you knew better than to ask on MN where everyone hates their MIL or DM and would rather poke their own eyes out than host anyone for more than 1 night.

It's your mum. It would be nice to give her a break. She will be helpful. My mum died when she was a little younger than your mum, I would give anything to be able to host her again.

I would let her stay the full 2 weeks. It would be hurtful to curtail her visit; that would send a message that you didn't want her in the 1st place. It is true that there may be moments of irritation and annoyance but as an adult, you suck those up and do the right thing.

Take some time off work and spend some quality time with her. Save up some ironing/mending/baking for her to keep her feeling useful. Make sure she can work the telly and find her some decent programmes.

Tell your DH that you would do the same for his parents and you expect the same courtesy.”

Absolutely this. It’s two weeks, she needs support, she’s your mum. Any supportive partner can suck up two weeks of MIL in the house. There are active independent 74 year olds and there are 74 year olds with poor health or who have lost their confidence and struggle after a huge shocking life event. My mum became depressed and eventually suffered from dementia after my father (they were married over 50 years) and then my brother died within 12 months of each other. She dealt really well with my father’s death despite the grief, she saw it as ‘the natural order of things’ but my brother’s death was totally unexpected and it pretty much broke her. We all supported her in any way we could. Lord knows she did more than enough for us. She was a similar age when it happened. She was also of a generation who didn’t think you sat on your arse to get waited on hand and foot when she stayed with you and would constantly offer to help in any way she could. Even he finds it irritating, it’s still a kind gesture.
No, not everyone has a good relationship with their parents or in-laws and no, it’s not easy sometimes to be around depressed people, but two weeks? In the age of #be kind and supporting and uplifting women generally, I just don’t get some of the stuff I’ve read on here. Does it not apply to older women too? Old age will come to us all.

liveforsummer · 11/01/2022 11:44

I think the fact he happily lived with her on his terms when it was saving you money is a very important factor here. To refuse a 2 week break under these circumstances is very unreasonable and I'd be questioning how I felt about this man. Agree with pp's that he likely feels Shen up as he doesn't do anything to help himself

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 11/01/2022 11:57

Ooh, unfair of your partner - he was happy to live with your mum to suit him, but is now not happy for her to come and stay with you? Not on at all.

Anon2022 · 11/01/2022 12:00

I do think 6 months is tough and always wonder how Asian families manage ?
It must be a different dynamic ! My kids would be in best behaviour and very engaging for a week, amd a weeks holiday but after that it would be very tricky to accommodate everyone unless we had a huge house . It’s bad enough having multiple kids argue over tv / watching the football but the olds wouldn’t share their interests and it would be worse for sure

I am full of admiration tho
Wish I could have my parents full time as they age- but it’s unlikely to be allowed by DP

Anon2022 · 11/01/2022 12:02

This ! How can society be so fractured ? It’s a Mum!

I initially thought it might be a mixed race relationship to have such divergent views

Anon2022 · 11/01/2022 12:05

@sallywd
Also in a mixed heritage relationship and also notice a cultural difference which makes me sad … we are all human

Anon2022 · 11/01/2022 12:07

Imagine the reverse post from OP
“ my mum lives with DP and me all year. We have a flat and it is cramped, no garden. We asked my brother - who has a lovely big house amd garden- if she could go to him for 2 weeks to give mum, me and DP a break. Brother is happy but SIL says NO. Mum is lovely when she visits and has been troubled by ill health and a recent divorce . Is SIL being reasonable?”

We all Know the MN answer to this angle !

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2022 16:38

@cptartapp

It's not her place to be cleaning your house and doing your garden. I suspect she's lining herself up for a more permanent move in the future. Not to be encouraged. How long does she plan on living with your brother? Not on really. And yes, two weeks is too long. Would she not realise that? Does she has friends of her own, hobbies?

Not her place?

Is she not allowed to be helpful? Perhaps as a Thank you to her daughter? Who doesn't seem to mind?

She's 74 and been left on her own. And there's nothing to suggest she's aiming to move in.

Does your family not care for each other?

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2022 16:40

@Hotyogahotchoc

Would you have your MIL stat with you for two weeks?

Can she stay out of your partner's way?

I also think it's wrong of you to say she doesn't interfere if that's how he feels.

She doesn't interfere in what he does as he does very little!

So if the OP's happy to have help...

Anon2022 · 11/01/2022 17:59

Agree

It’s not even a payback .. it’s just what we do for those we love

We pick up our partners dry cleaning when they are working late, we do DS his fave dinner when his girls friend leaves him and he wants to come see you for some comfort , we pop round to grandads and now his lawn when he breaks his leg

It’s just love and care and is not part of any transaction or obligation

I can’t understand many of the other comments here

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