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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mum wants to stay with us, but my partner doesn't want her to.

142 replies

SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 08:48

My mum is 74 and my step dad left her out of the blue 4 years ago. Since then she has gone down hill emotionally and physically. The house that my mum and step dad owned together was sold and my mum has moved in with my brother in a flat in London. I live with my partner in a 3 bedroomed house with a lovely garden. My mum would like to come and stay with us for maximum of 2 weeks to have a break and a change of scenery. I would love my mum to come and stay (as I'm very close to her), but my partner isn't too keen. He says that she interfers when she stays and feels like an outsider. I don't see that my mum interfers, she just keeps herself occupied by cleaning our house and gardening whilst we are at work. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

Tilltheend99 · 10/01/2022 09:22

Some people are saying two weeks is two long.

You said yourself that your elderly mother is no longer in good health. There are no guarantees about how much longer you will have together.

If you have previously had a good relationship I would spend the two weeks with her (if you are working etc it’s not like you are seeing her nonstop all day) as once she is gone you don’t get these opportunities back again.

Ask your partner to bite their tongue and enjoy making memories with your mother.

MrsClatterbuck · 10/01/2022 09:24

I mean it's not like her doing the cleaning is interfering with his way of doing things if he actually doesn't do it in the 1st place.

Just10moreminutesplease · 10/01/2022 09:24

@SugarBabe18

The thing is, my partner lived with me and my mum whilst we were selling the house with no issues, and he was perfectly happy. But now the table has turned, he doesn't like it and it seems a bit unfair.

Normally I’d say two weeks is a long time to expect someone to host… but if he was happy to take your mum’s hospitality when you were selling your house it feels really rude not to repay the favour for two weeks.

And if he doesn’t do his fair share of housework he doesn’t really get a say in whether your mum helps you out.

ParkingDiagram · 10/01/2022 09:24

I would hate having my mum or mil staying with us for two weeks and I agree with your partner - doing your cleaning and washing would piss me off too.

If you’re insistent on her coming to stay, I would compromise with one week and make sure you’re doing stuff with her so she isn’t doing your cleaning to keep occupied.

Original poster

SugarBabe18 · 10/01/2022 09:27

Thank you all for your messages!

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 10/01/2022 09:32

Hi OP,
Your mum needs to decide the region she would like to live and you and your brother can then support her to find a property to rent (might be worth asking housing associations as properties for older people can be easier to get than general property), or property to buy (also consider ringfenced for older people and shared ownership properties).

Your mum sounds capable and active. Living permanently with your brother or you doesn’t sound like good solutions. If your mum is on a low income she will be able to claim help with her rent (when her capital has gone below a certain level) and to claim help with her council tax. If she buys she needs to consider how she will maintain the property on a low income ..boiler breaks down, leaking roof etc.

Broads93 · 10/01/2022 09:43

Have to say I'm with him on this one, I absolutely hate having people in my space, never mind people to who like to interfere with my life.
My solution would be to either take her to a hotel for a week or let her stay max 2 nights. It's your DP's home too, not just yours.

nuancedcloud · 10/01/2022 09:52

He sounds a bit mean…. It’s ok fir you two to stay at here but not when he has to host?

More discussion required…

BarbedButterfly · 10/01/2022 09:52

2 weeks would be too long for me with my mum or MIL and her cleaning or gardening would not be okay at all. Especially the gardening. My ex MIL always used to go into our room and do our washing which I found really intrusive and so eventually I said no to visits too. I would also be worried that she would want to make a habit of it or extend her stay.

That being said, a week would be a good start with clear boundaries in place.

BlingLoving · 10/01/2022 09:53

Mmm, while I am sympathetic to anyone not wanting someone else in their house for 2 week, I think your DH is being a bit of a twat. For a start, she is struggling and a bit of time where you take on the responsibility vs your brother (who does it the other 50 weeks of the year) doesn't seem unreasonable. The thing about being married is that you have to take on some responsibility for the other person's family - doesn't mean you have to be a walkover, but it's a bit naive to expect your partner to have no baggage.

Also, if he was quite happy to live in HER house for weeks (months?) at a time, it's completely unfair to be unwilling the other way.

I would say that if your mum makes little digs at him etc (and if he doesn't do anything around the house, I can see why she might), it is up to you to make sure that stops. It's also up to you to bear the brunt of entertaining her etc.

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 09:55

I wouldn't want my MIL in my house for 2 weeks. We get on really well but I'd just feel like I was treading on eggshells.

If she wants a change on scenery can't she go on holiday?

Bananarama21 · 10/01/2022 09:56

There's a thread here about having visitors and visiting other people and the general consensus was that people don't like to visit or have others staying too long. 2 weeks is far too long as is 1 week tbh for some people it alters the dynamics and I imagine he can't relax in the same way if mil wasn't there. I couldn't cope with someone staying a week nm two.

Ragruggers · 10/01/2022 10:03

Do you have any days holiday that you could use?could she stay with you for a few days then the 2 of you find a cheap Airbnb for a long weekend. I like to be helpful when I stay with family,a bit of gardening,cleaning etc but we all get on well together.She maybe feels. she is paying you back in kind for food etc.Your OH sounds mean one day he will be older and look back on this.Also why doesn’t he do much around the house?You need to deal with this .Good luck you sound very caring.

Chloemol · 10/01/2022 10:14

Gosh lots of posts on her saying she shouldn’t stay for two weeks, it’s the ops mother,!

All I can say is I hope you are never in this position and your kids don’t want you to stay with them when you have issues and need their support

PinchOfVom · 10/01/2022 10:15

Compromise - make it a week

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2022 10:18

Why doesn't your partner do much in the house and garden, do you stay home while he works ?

Thatsplentyjack · 10/01/2022 10:29

God your partner sounds really selfish. Its 2 weeks ffs and he will be workj g most of the time.
My kum had to move in with us for 6 months. At the time we had nonodea how long she would be with us, it could have been a couple of years. My partner was great about it. Never complained. I was the one complaining.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/01/2022 10:31

@Chloemol

Gosh lots of posts on her saying she shouldn’t stay for two weeks, it’s the ops mother,!

All I can say is I hope you are never in this position and your kids don’t want you to stay with them when you have issues and need their support

Yes, people on here seem to be really selfish.

grapewine · 10/01/2022 10:34

@Broads93

Have to say I'm with him on this one, I absolutely hate having people in my space, never mind people to who like to interfere with my life. My solution would be to either take her to a hotel for a week or let her stay max 2 nights. It's your DP's home too, not just yours.

This. Sorry, but she needs a long term plan.

whynotwhatknot · 10/01/2022 10:34

He sounds lazy why does he get a say in the housework if he doesnt any in the first place

FinallyFluid · 10/01/2022 10:35

Two weeks is too long, also to be blunt I would be concerned she was unconsciously looking to move in by stealth for longer periods, when your brother needs a break.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 10/01/2022 10:36

He was happy to stay with her for however long it took to sort the house sale, but now she needs some support it’s a no?

Ffs.

Smashedavacado · 10/01/2022 10:42

A long term plan is really important if it doesn't look like she can afford somewhere on her own.
Have you discussed this with your brother?
If my DM lived with my brother I would expect to have her to stay regularly to give him a break. One week in four maybe.

Ijustreallywantacat · 10/01/2022 10:44

Really surprised by some of these answers. There's no question my mum would be welcome to stay in my house for however long she needed if she's having a hard time. Our parents raise us, feed us and house us for usually 20ish years and then 2 weeks is too much? My DH would have to find a way to suck it up.

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/01/2022 10:46

Come on OP, you knew better than to ask on MN where everyone hates their MIL or DM and would rather poke their own eyes out than host anyone for more than 1 night.

It's your mum. It would be nice to give her a break. She will be helpful. My mum died when she was a little younger than your mum, I would give anything to be able to host her again.

I would let her stay the full 2 weeks. It would be hurtful to curtail her visit; that would send a message that you didn't want her in the 1st place. It is true that there may be moments of irritation and annoyance but as an adult, you suck those up and do the right thing.

Take some time off work and spend some quality time with her. Save up some ironing/mending/baking for her to keep her feeling useful. Make sure she can work the telly and find her some decent programmes.

Tell your DH that you would do the same for his parents and you expect the same courtesy.

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