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Original poster

How to not overshare

158 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 01:55

This is really hard for me .

I met someone very recently. We had 3 dates - I'm really picky . This was a big deal for me nd more so when we slept together. It was really passionate and a real turn on .
He says he wants to see me again , arranged to stay with me and also arranged a weekend away .
We'd exchanged some flirty texts both before we slept together and since .
He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80% . I haven't a clue what % im at - I just wanted him to know it had meant something to me .

Im now just feeling really quite silly .
We do talk and are really open with each other and honest - I've said that it's probably better that he just takes the lead and if im not happy I'll say .
But it's made me feel small and silly . This was not his intention I know that it's more baggage fro my lady relationship - but I want something long term and while he says he does he's approaching it very differently.
I only bloody said I'd enjoyed the sex because he mentioned something about looking o to each other's eyes blah blah blah . And so i opened up and said what it meant to me .
Im not in love .
Im happy alone .
I'd be happy alone again .
But I felt like there was potential to fall in love here , potential for a long term relationship.we live about 90 mins apart so spending time together takes planning.

I feel silly I opened up . He says I shouldn't and he's attracted to me both in mind and body but I can't help feeling stupid that I overshared .
He wants to keep seeing me . But im wary now of saying the wrong thing . One minute the conversation is sexually charged , the next - I've said too much .
Wtf is wrong with me for Christ sake . When am I ever going to learn ? How do I navigate this ? I really like this bloke and I like he says he does t need his ego boosting or anything but it's left me feeling a bit daft that I tried to tell him the sex was good and what it meant for me .

He's text twice saying he is really interested blah blah and goodnight but I didn't reply . I'm clearly looking too eager . Which is weird ....because I'm happy alone . I'd be disappointed if he called it off but not devastated.

I fear I've come across as needy . How do I pull this back .
He was meant to be staying here in a couple of weeks and I did say if he felt things were just going too fast we could back off - he didn't want that .

Help . I'm clueless at this shit .

OP posts:
Littlefish · 09/01/2022 01:58

So he's already finding fault with you and trying to change you?

That's no basis for a relationship.

Monty27 · 09/01/2022 02:02

Nah just don't over share so soon
Enjoy the romance. I've made this mistake time and time again.
Have fun OP 😃

RoyKentsChestHair · 09/01/2022 02:02

It’s not up to him to dictate how fast this is moving. Don’t step back and allow him to tell you when it’s too much etc. It does sound like it’s a lot for just a few dates in, so just try and slow it down in your heart and mind as well as out loud.

His comments have made you second guess yourself and you’re now playing the game of “well if you think I’m too much, now I’ll be too little and make you come running” which is a dangerous game to play.

If he doesn’t like you how you are then maybe he’s not the one for you?

Fishlipandtoeface · 09/01/2022 02:03

I’d say this call one a day. If you can’t be yourself what’s the point.

Fishlipandtoeface · 09/01/2022 02:03

*call this one a day I meant

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 02:09

I don't think he's finding fault as such - he's really into meditation and quite spiritual and believes his happiness is his responsibility etc etc so he's not looking to me to boost his ego . He's quite confident and knows who he is .
He's not been out off - yet .
I'm just not sure how to be .
Do I just stop sharing my thoughts - he says he doesn't want that .but he is feeling a bit overwhelmed I think that I've told him how I feel - and that's not to say I've declared undying love or anything- just told him what the sex had meant to me I guess . He doesn't want casual . He just clearly doesn't want marriage and living together either which is fine because I haven't gone there either ! I think if I'm honest he is someone I COULD fall in love with but I haven't said that obviously and wouldn't now that the mere fact I told him how much I'd enjoyed the intimacy has made him back off ....well not back off - I don't know . He hasn't backed off - he's said he loves spending time with me and is really interested in more . But maybe I've read into something by the fact we had sex , not just a shag , intimate loving sex ....or maybe I misunderstood?

OP posts:
user33323 · 09/01/2022 02:15

I don't understand what's happened OP. You said he mentioned looking into each others eyes during sex, and you told him you enjoyed the sex, and he told you that you were coming on to strong by 10%? How exactly did the conversation go? Was he telling you he was uncomfortable with the eye contact or that he enjoyed it?

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 02:18

He enjoyed the eye contact- he asked me to look at him . And I loved it .

It think I've been a bit too gushing about it . But it was a first for me - and really meant something. I've come on too strong.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 09/01/2022 02:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 02:21

He had rung me and said it was hot ....
I'd said I'd loved it and it was amazing sex . He seemed to feel this wasn't necessary after the event . I think I've made him feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
user33323 · 09/01/2022 02:24

But intense eye contact during sex IS passionate, and he was the one that initiated it and then brought it up afterwards. Therefore it's really weird of him to then embarrass you and play games with you about toning it down in response to him bringing it up. I think the only way to recover this is the be upfront. When he inevitably asks if you are ok because you haven't replied to him, tell him you are embarrassed he told you that you were coming on too strong, and now you are second guessing yourself and not sure what it acceptable. Either he massively apologises, or he's a twat you don't need to waste anymore time on. I reckon he's insecure and deflecting, but you don't need mind games like that.

lifeissweet · 09/01/2022 02:25

@stillvicarinatutu

He had rung me and said it was hot .... I'd said I'd loved it and it was amazing sex . He seemed to feel this wasn't necessary after the event . I think I've made him feel uncomfortable.
Yeah. This is not good. I would wonder about his attitude to women and sex. Are you supposed to allow him to have sex with you, but not have your own desires? This needs unpicking.

You don't know this man at all yet. It's way, way too soon to know anything of any importance.

What you do know about are his actions up to this point and this one was strange.

Don't try to change your behaviour for him. You are who you are. He can take that or leave it.

Ionlydomassiveones · 09/01/2022 02:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Rebeccasmoonnecklace · 09/01/2022 02:28

Look how much this man has knocked your confidence and is making you second guess your own thoughts @stillvicarinatutu. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who I couldn’t be my authentic self with. He sounds like he’s trying to manipulate and control you and ultimately make you doubt yourself. I’m sure you deserve better Flowers

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 02:32

Oh he's into meditation is he but he feels the need to control how much feeling you can have. Interesting. Clearly not so at peace with the world after all.

That was such an unnecessary thing to say and the only reason could be for him to crush you a little. Jerk.

Tell him you don't appreciate him telling you how to behave let alone in percentages. Then see how he squares that with The Universe. Maybe he could chant for a solution.

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 02:50

He's a twat. A decent person wouldn't criticize your for sharing that you liked the sex.
Next,

madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 02:57

You've been on three dates. You're making him uncomfortable by coming on too strong. When women are uncomfortable beacons they think that men are coming on too strong early in a relationship, it's pretty much declared to be a red flag. But here it's the man that's in the wrong because he feels uncomfortable. It's difficult to fathom MN sometimes.

RoyKentsChestHair · 09/01/2022 02:58

So he’s allowed to say that the sex was “hot”. But you’re not allowed to say how you felt about it. Hmm Hmm

StrongSunglasses · 09/01/2022 03:03

He sounds a bit pretentious and judgemental tbh I was reminded of this Ben character off inbetweeners 😂

Owlink · 09/01/2022 03:09

He sounds like a tosser. He isn't in charge of who says precisely what. Don't believe blokes when they say this sort of nonsense.

Ionlydomassiveones · 09/01/2022 03:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FlowerArranger · 09/01/2022 03:11

@Rebeccasmoonnecklace

Look how much this man has knocked your confidence and is making you second guess your own thoughts *@stillvicarinatutu*. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who I couldn’t be my authentic self with. He sounds like he’s trying to manipulate and control you and ultimately make you doubt yourself. I’m sure you deserve better Flowers
This
Somechance · 09/01/2022 03:11

Oh get him to feck, OP. He sounds like a control freak. Honestly, so many red flags!

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 03:20

Dunno he said he wants Ming term so doesn't wan the focus to be sex or flattery. Says he's been alone more than not and so it doesn't come easy and he's learning.

OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 03:23

He says head and heart decisions - doesn't want to be led by the heart . Wants it to be balanced and sensible.

On the face of it - that's ok . Maybe I've just come on too strong . And the thing is - I'm happy alone ! If he called it off it wouldn't bother me unduly- I just wanted him to know how I felt and that seems to have been a bit of a trigger for him . I've suggested we take things back to dates and no sex .
Funny- he didn't like that idea .

OP posts: