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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to not overshare

158 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 01:55

This is really hard for me .

I met someone very recently. We had 3 dates - I'm really picky . This was a big deal for me nd more so when we slept together. It was really passionate and a real turn on .
He says he wants to see me again , arranged to stay with me and also arranged a weekend away .
We'd exchanged some flirty texts both before we slept together and since .
He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80% . I haven't a clue what % im at - I just wanted him to know it had meant something to me .

Im now just feeling really quite silly .
We do talk and are really open with each other and honest - I've said that it's probably better that he just takes the lead and if im not happy I'll say .
But it's made me feel small and silly . This was not his intention I know that it's more baggage fro my lady relationship - but I want something long term and while he says he does he's approaching it very differently.
I only bloody said I'd enjoyed the sex because he mentioned something about looking o to each other's eyes blah blah blah . And so i opened up and said what it meant to me .
Im not in love .
Im happy alone .
I'd be happy alone again .
But I felt like there was potential to fall in love here , potential for a long term relationship.we live about 90 mins apart so spending time together takes planning.

I feel silly I opened up . He says I shouldn't and he's attracted to me both in mind and body but I can't help feeling stupid that I overshared .
He wants to keep seeing me . But im wary now of saying the wrong thing . One minute the conversation is sexually charged , the next - I've said too much .
Wtf is wrong with me for Christ sake . When am I ever going to learn ? How do I navigate this ? I really like this bloke and I like he says he does t need his ego boosting or anything but it's left me feeling a bit daft that I tried to tell him the sex was good and what it meant for me .

He's text twice saying he is really interested blah blah and goodnight but I didn't reply . I'm clearly looking too eager . Which is weird ....because I'm happy alone . I'd be disappointed if he called it off but not devastated.

I fear I've come across as needy . How do I pull this back .
He was meant to be staying here in a couple of weeks and I did say if he felt things were just going too fast we could back off - he didn't want that .

Help . I'm clueless at this shit .

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 09/01/2022 17:14

I think there's a more important side to think about:

He's made you feel 'daft', 'silly' 'small' and 'stupid' yet you're asking how YOU can 'pull this back?'

Why do you feel responsible for putting everything right after the comment HE made?

Whatabambam · 09/01/2022 17:19

I'm sorry but he sounds like a twat. Just because he's spiritual doesn't make him an authority on the percentage of feelings that you are allowed to express. A word of caution but sometimes the people that reach out to spirituality are often the ones with the most baggage.

Flyinggeese1234 · 09/01/2022 17:37

He’s sending dick pics? Oh, classy!

Pinkbonbon · 09/01/2022 17:45

Tbh op I think you've taken his behaviour as romantic when actually it was about dominance. Telling you to look at him during sex, telling you he likes being inside you (porn language) sending you dick picks...all about dominance not romance. Not saying there anything wrong with that during sex but it's not romantic or about making a connection. And dick pics...eww. You were meant to feel subjugated, not equal.

Pinkbonbon · 09/01/2022 17:47

(And because you romanticised it instead of feeling dominated by it, he didn't like that, it broke his fantasy).

stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 17:48

Just spoke to my friend - she said he's spoilt it - totally knocked the shine off me .

I'm not going to say anything tonight . I need to think about how to extract myself with some dignity in tact .

I am going to just say he's taken the shine off it for me and I do t want to go away with him . I do t actually want to have sex again . I'm quite body conscious and I told him that so this feels like a rebuff after the fact .

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 17:52

Yes he does use porn . He told me that . It didn't really bother me overly. But hey ho. You live and learn .
It's one of two things now for me - we either take it right back to dates and no sex or it's done . I think given how I feel , it's done . I feel a prize pillock .

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/01/2022 18:00

Yeah I mean I enjoy a bit of dirty talk personally, but I think someone using it when we've just started to sleep together...probably not a keeper. It's too presumptios. And I can see why you could mistake it for him attempting to foster closeness. But really, it's more like trampling boundaries.

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 18:07

After all this, you're still planning to see him. Why?

whistleryukon · 09/01/2022 18:20

He's a typical 'spiritual fuckboy'. They are two a penny.

What the fuck did he think your response should have been when he initiated the conversation about how hot the sex was? Because your response to me certainly seems to be along the same frequency. He's managed to be faux put off by it though. He probably would have found a problem with any response you had given him in order either to find a reason to bin you off now that he's had his hot sex, or to begin to train you into a lifetime of having fault picked at you every which way you turn.

It's been 3 dates. A quick 'not for me' and block would suffice. Or just block.

coconuthead · 09/01/2022 18:23

It's not up to him to dictate how much you share with him, he's a twat.

whistleryukon · 09/01/2022 18:25

This is your spiritual guy and his MO.

How to not overshare
Jsku · 09/01/2022 18:25

Whether or not you ever see him again, this probably won’t get fixed given how much thinking/overthinking went into the first night you had sex.

But for the future - I am not sure you need to inform men about you being body conscious. Not when you are barely started being each other.

coconuthead · 09/01/2022 18:25

Also, he sounds cringey and yuk.

coconuthead · 09/01/2022 18:26

@whistleryukon

He's a typical 'spiritual fuckboy'. They are two a penny.

What the fuck did he think your response should have been when he initiated the conversation about how hot the sex was? Because your response to me certainly seems to be along the same frequency. He's managed to be faux put off by it though. He probably would have found a problem with any response you had given him in order either to find a reason to bin you off now that he's had his hot sex, or to begin to train you into a lifetime of having fault picked at you every which way you turn.

It's been 3 dates. A quick 'not for me' and block would suffice. Or just block.

Spiritual fuckboy, this is the perfect description for this kind of twat.
RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 18:29

The Spiritual fuck boy types are mentioned in Lundy Bancroft book, Why Does He Do That

www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-mr-sensitive/

stripeyflowers · 09/01/2022 18:32

Was seriously messed up by a 'spiritual' man in my 40s.

An example:

We were in France, he was driving, his mate was next to him and I was in the back with the mate's girlfriend, my own friend. Suddenly he lost control of the car because there was gravel on the road. After, he said it was the universe warning him about me, basically, not to be with me. Extremely laughable now, in hindsight, he thought the warning was to protect HIM!

He'd spent a lot of time travelling the world and some time living with monks in Thailand. Worse mistake I ever made.

firecracker69 · 09/01/2022 19:03

I thought I'd heard about every possible fucked up type of man.... it seems not. "The spiritual fuck boy" is brand spanking new information for me tonight. Surely true spiritually people wouldn't send dick pics after three dates..... or possible ever?

You sound well rid OP, he sounds sleazy and controlling. 🤢🤮

Ohyesiam · 09/01/2022 19:19

Op this is so ringing bells for me of when I dated a Buddhist.
He was all very level and measured, yet passionate and sincere. But he was bloody terrified of feeling anything, and being dragged down into some fleshy feeling realm, so he would pull stunts like you are describing. Getting passionate and connected and then pulling away with lots of measured, reasonable chilly responses.
It totally shredded my self confidence, and I had to end it.
Look after yourself here op,

BiscuitLover3678 · 09/01/2022 19:21

@stillvicarinatutu

He enjoyed the eye contact- he asked me to look at him . And I loved it .

It think I've been a bit too gushing about it . But it was a first for me - and really meant something. I've come on too strong.

I’m sorry op but he’s really coming off as a a bit of a twat!
BiscuitLover3678 · 09/01/2022 19:22

You’re not a pollock. Honestly op, when you meet the right guy it’ll feel easy and he’ll like you no matter how much you share or don’t.

RoyKentsChestHair · 09/01/2022 19:25

Honestly don’t worry about extricating yourself with dignity. Send him the pic whistlery posted and tell him the 90% thing you said above Grin

relaxandchill · 09/01/2022 19:33

Oh OP you've done nothing wrong. If he's put you in a position now where you'll constantly be second guessing whether you should have said things or not, you'll never be able to relax with him etc. Your friend is right, he's spoilt it! Bin him off and find someone who is more in tune with you x

LightSpeeds · 09/01/2022 19:35

I think what you're saying is he wants the sex but nothing emotional at this point? And also that you're already more emotionally invested than he is and he doesn't really want to hear about it.

Personally, if you're not feeling things equally and you're already feeling small and silly then you should probably consider ditching this if you can't get it onto an equal footing soon (which I don't think you will).

He sounds quite emotionally independent or even cool and I'm wondering if you'll get the warmth and care I sense you want from him...

SwanShaped · 09/01/2022 19:39

So he’s allowed to talk about sex but not you? That’s fucked up. He’s gonna be one of those guys who confuse you coz he’s so spiritual and open, but then also manipulative and shaming. Get rid. Defo the 90% line. That’s hilarious. You haven’t been a pillock, don’t let him make you think that

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