Page 2 | How to not overshare

Monty27 · 09/01/2022 03:24

Get him gone. Surely you're not going to fall for that stuff
Or maybe you're not really matched

CookieCrunch123 · 09/01/2022 03:46

Dunno he said he wants Ming term so doesn't wan the focus to be sex or flattery. Says he's been alone more than not and so it doesn't come easy and he's learning

I’d slow things down and be a bit wary of this guy for sure.

What’s he said about flattery? That sounds a bit odd too.

Monty27 · 09/01/2022 03:47

Your life is none of his business anyway. Clearly he's not interested in being bombarded with your back story.
Step back at the very least.

Vapeyvapevape · 09/01/2022 03:52

What did you actually say to him?

caringcarer · 09/01/2022 14:34

All I can advise is what I told each of my own kids. Never change yourself for another person. Only change if it is for you. Nothing wrong with what you said op. Don't allow him to make you feel bad about yourself.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 14:46

@Vapeyvapevape

What did you actually say to him?

That's the thing - nothing sappy - I didn't say anything that I felt was rushed - certainly haven't mentioned long term plans like love or living together! I'm a nutshell id said couldn't wait for a repeat, found the sex amazing and a brief description about what id do when he got here ! I thought it would have been a turn on . He seems to think I'm stroking his ego or something. Anyway I basically txt saying I felt embarrassed - that at least my sharing wasn't to say he was crap in bed ! I don't know maybe he found it insincere or something. He messaged back (only reason it's txt not talking is im working today and he is with his adult dd ) anyway he messaged back saying he shouldn't have said anything and I shouldn't feel embarrassed. I think when I speak to him I'll explain that sex IS a big deal for me and there are reasons for that . I've been single now for 2.5 years so I didn't think I'd find anyone after my last relationship, and he had been the only man id enjoyed sex with so the fact id had such a good time here was a relief, and a release . Then again - that's probably more sharing than he wants too. I'm just confused. He'd sent stuff just as flirty , I suppose I was enjoying the dirty talk as much as anything else . Anyway not his bag clearly . So I won't do it . Weird thing is he'd sent sexy pics and asked the same . Seems I can overshare my body but not what it's thinking ! Nope . That's not happening. Let's see how long it takes him moan about that . Im inclined to think ....tosser . Which is a shame . It's very rare I fancy anyone .

OP posts:

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 09/01/2022 15:07

He's playing games, OP. And trying to control you. Look at what he's managed just three dates in - manipulating you into feeling 'small and silly' and second guessing yourself all over the place. I would move very, very cautiously from now on, and seriously consider moving on from him. As another poster has said, if you can't be yourself with him, that's not good.

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 15:07

Have you dumped him yet?

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 09/01/2022 15:10

He's affected your confidence so much, so soon. How do you come back from that? And what's that nonsense about percentages?? How the hell do you quantify something like that? More red flags to come if you continue with this relationship, guaranteed.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 15:13

Yes - I agree . Is it even worth "over sharing " why with him if I call it a day ?

OP posts:

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 09/01/2022 15:17

Reading between the mins it seems he's maybe not wanting too much in the way of commitment.
Initially what he said was really sensible.
Something about staking small steps and being balanced rather than jumping in with both feet and falling over . That sounded ok .
But has he interpreted what I said as a marriage proposal or something! Bloody hell. Anyway I my one txt back I said it had been 3 dates and that I didn't feel I'd lost perspective.

He's messaged and I massaged very politely back but kept it short and sweet and about my day / his day .

I could do to talk to someone about it I think before I make a decision.

OP posts:

LookslovelyinSpringtime · 09/01/2022 15:17

It’s all about what he wants. He’s setting the agenda and telling you what’s acceptable. You’re already trying to twist yourself into what he wants. This would put em right off .

LookslovelyinSpringtime · 09/01/2022 15:17

Me

MsBananas · 09/01/2022 15:18

Nah. He is being controlling. More will follow, I’m sure, if you allow it.

What a dick to start talking about oversharing and percentages after a few dates.

I’d be too irritated by this behaviour to continue with him.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 09/01/2022 15:21

Apologies, im not 100% clear on what you said so I do have one 'maybe'.

I notice that you summarised it as 'I said I enjoyed it too etc and then I told him what I would do when he next got here'.

I'm just wondering, did that latter part get a bit graphic maybe? If so, maybe he wasn't so comfortable with that aspect of what you said?

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 15:26

A few dates and he's already caused this much hassle that you're 2nd guessing yourself, posted a thread about him, and want to talk to someone about him.

Great sex doesn't override all the glaring red flags of still pretty much a stranger.

2Rebecca · 09/01/2022 15:27

I agree with Ionlysomassiveones. This is weird, particularly him giving you percentages. Once you start having sex relationships for many people become intense very quickly. I'm wary of people who describe themselves as deep and spiritual. It's often a euphemism for moody and pretentious.
I'd be concerned he's not as in to the relationship as you are and draw back a bit.

Meowwwwwww · 09/01/2022 15:29

Sorry to say OP but your instincts are correct. How dare this man try to control and censor you? I thought you were going to say you said you were talking about your future children and seating arrangements for the wedding.
As far as the dirty talk it sounds like you read the situation correctly as he had already been sexy and flirty. Most adult men who gave those signals would be thrilled to know how much you’d enjoyed it and look forward to doing it again assuming you didn’t suggest weeing on each other or licking Marmite out of his bum . Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt —which I wouldn’t, he is clearly an asshole— you and he are clearly not a match. You should never ever have to censor yourself to please a man.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 09/01/2022 15:30

@stillvicarinatutu

This is really hard for me .

I met someone very recently. We had 3 dates - I'm really picky . This was a big deal for me nd more so when we slept together. It was really passionate and a real turn on .
He says he wants to see me again , arranged to stay with me and also arranged a weekend away .
We'd exchanged some flirty texts both before we slept together and since .
He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80% . I haven't a clue what % im at - I just wanted him to know it had meant something to me .

Im now just feeling really quite silly .
We do talk and are really open with each other and honest - I've said that it's probably better that he just takes the lead and if im not happy I'll say .
But it's made me feel small and silly . This was not his intention I know that it's more baggage fro my lady relationship - but I want something long term and while he says he does he's approaching it very differently.
I only bloody said I'd enjoyed the sex because he mentioned something about looking o to each other's eyes blah blah blah . And so i opened up and said what it meant to me .
Im not in love .
Im happy alone .
I'd be happy alone again .
But I felt like there was potential to fall in love here , potential for a long term relationship.we live about 90 mins apart so spending time together takes planning.

I feel silly I opened up . He says I shouldn't and he's attracted to me both in mind and body but I can't help feeling stupid that I overshared .
He wants to keep seeing me . But im wary now of saying the wrong thing . One minute the conversation is sexually charged , the next - I've said too much .
Wtf is wrong with me for Christ sake . When am I ever going to learn ? How do I navigate this ? I really like this bloke and I like he says he does t need his ego boosting or anything but it's left me feeling a bit daft that I tried to tell him the sex was good and what it meant for me .

He's text twice saying he is really interested blah blah and goodnight but I didn't reply . I'm clearly looking too eager . Which is weird ....because I'm happy alone . I'd be disappointed if he called it off but not devastated.

I fear I've come across as needy . How do I pull this back .
He was meant to be staying here in a couple of weeks and I did say if he felt things were just going too fast we could back off - he didn't want that .

Help . I'm clueless at this shit .

Just tell him to bugger off, you should be able to say what you want. Be yourself.

LeifSan · 09/01/2022 15:35

Riiiiight. So it’s ok for him to sleep with you, ask for intense eye contact and send flirty texts and tell you he enjoyed the sex bit when you reply with similar and say what you’d like to do in bed that’s too much?

And instead of you immediately going hang on he’s creating a big power imbalance here around sex, you’re doubting yourself and worrying.

This guy sounds like he very much wants to be in control of the sexual element of dating and unable to accept a woman stating her own passion and desire. Grim. Chuck him back, he’s not mature when it comes to sex or emotional intimacy.

firecracker69 · 09/01/2022 15:36

So he wants to take small steps but is happy to have sex with you? He can speak his mind but you need to tone it down 10%? This does not sit right with you if you're asking for opinions. Who the fuck is he to dictate to you, especially after knowing each other's for such a short time?

FatFucker · 09/01/2022 15:39

He's making you doubt yourself after only 3 dates. It won't get better.

Throw this one back in. He's not for you.

Get someone who deserves you.

ManchesterTartwithCustard · 09/01/2022 15:40

Its all about him isn't it. He can give it out but can't take it. He'll tie you in knots. Should I, shouldn't I,? did I, didnt I?
I think you need somebody much more laid back. Somebody that can cope with being told something as simple as you thought the sex was great. Jeez, most men would find that such a compliment and a turn on you'd be beating them off at the door.

MMmomDD · 09/01/2022 15:42

OP - you said you rarely meet someone you are attracted to. So why not give this a little bit of a chance? In the early days people don’t yet know each other well - and communication style could differ so much. And neither of you know each other history or triggers.

Personally - if I were dating - and someone went on about how sex is a big deal to them; how they haven’t slept with anyone in over 2 years; how amazing it was with me - I’d get weirded very quickly.
Without knowing you better - this all can sound like red flags or a potential bunny boiler. It’s too much too soon.

If you make it to something longer term - sharing it then is OK - as you’ll actually know each other.

At only a few dates - I think one needs to keep it light and flirty. With him, on anyone else, really.
You seem to be overthinking a lot. And it’s a shame - given what you said about not liking many people.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 15:45

@MMmomDD

OP - you said you rarely meet someone you are attracted to. So why not give this a little bit of a chance? In the early days people don’t yet know each other well - and communication style could differ so much. And neither of you know each other history or triggers.

Personally - if I were dating - and someone went on about how sex is a big deal to them; how they haven’t slept with anyone in over 2 years; how amazing it was with me - I’d get weirded very quickly.
Without knowing you better - this all can sound like red flags or a potential bunny boiler. It’s too much too soon.

If you make it to something longer term - sharing it then is OK - as you’ll actually know each other.

At only a few dates - I think one needs to keep it light and flirty. With him, on anyone else, really.
You seem to be overthinking a lot. And it’s a shame - given what you said about not liking many people.

By your reckoning it's the k to have sex with a very new partner but not talk to them about said sex.

That is the most messed up take on dating I've stumbled across. I mean wtf